"Asking if I've lost weight isn't a compliment"
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cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
Going shopping isn't exactly an accomplishment worth mentioning IMO.0 -
Just wait for the mindful seeing movement where everyone casts down their glasses and millions die in car crashes.PeachyCarol wrote: »DeguelloTex wrote: »
Because it's not about health at any size; it's about rationalization and framing the issue to make anyone who disagrees look bad. It's similar to showing how tolerant you are by shouting down as a bigot anyone who disagrees with your worldview. It's Newspeak in real life.PeachyCarol wrote: »I had a random thought this morning... given the underlying vitriol in the piece that seemed to stem from the HAES framework, I'm confused by something. If the battlecry is Health At ANY Size, why is there no respect for people like me who chose to benefit from weight reduction for medical reasons?
I tend to agree, but I doubt that its proponents examine their side of things closely enough to see things that way.
I had a poke around a few sites this morning. Contrary to a few assertions posted upthread, I did not see an emphasis on healthy food at all. I saw an emphasis on choosing food you liked, and allowing for what you wanted and a whole bunch of honoring your body and stuff like that.
Another thing I found disturbing was the link to the mindful eating movement. A lot of overweight people have BROKEN hunger signals due to emotional and deeply ingrained behavioral issues which could be corrected, and ... hey, it's okay to just HONOR them? Total BS.
And the "healthy at any number of packs per day" movement.
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Because the changes give the appearance of weight loss? Because weight changes are harder and take more effort? Because they view weight as more important than the clothes or hairstyle? I mean, bad hair or clothes rarely put people in an early grave.cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)0 -
Well for me they don't just ask. They ask how much weight I have lost because people I care about already see that I am losing weight.0
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cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
Right, so she's totally fine with thinking that looks are important, even virtuous, and it's just swell to treat people differently based on their "looks" and she just wants to redefine what everyone likes so she fits in the "good" category.0 -
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Societies going to get to the point where we can't say anything because everyone is offended by everything ....
I get the writers point (just say I look good) but it's stupid, be less crazy! be less offended by everything these days!!! A new era is rolling in and it's full of people who love to *kitten* and complain about everything.. including a compliment that is meant to acknowledged hard work and effort.0 -
cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
I see what you mean, yet when someone upgrades their wardrobe(or whatever) it can make them look thinner, hence an innocent comment.
You cannot control perception, then get upset about it. If you make changes and people notice isn't that good no matter how other people see what the change is.
(I also take it as a compliment
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It's not an issue of social skills as much as plain old manners. One of the reasons you don't talk about people losing weight is that it may be because they're sick. The other big one would be that it's just wildly inappropriate to walk up to someone and start talking about their body.It feels like sometimes people want everyone to just sit still and if you do engage in conversation don't discuss anything other than the weather or other neutral topics.
Because heaven forbide you touch on a unpleasant or embarrassing topic.
People say that asking about weight etc shows poor social skills, seems like not being able to handle a touchy subject is the real lack of social skills.
I imagine for most people losing weight is a positive thing, they aimed to lose weight, get healthier and if they achieve it then why can't people compliment them.
Should we eliminate entire topics from discussion just because some people may have lost weight for bad reasons like illness?
If that's the case we can't talk about people's children since they might be sick, we can't talk about their friends or family in case one is sick or dying, don't even ask about sports in case their team lost on the weekend. Don't ask how they are going even if they look sad or depressed cause you might get a bad response or rub salt in a wound. Don't congratulate someone for getting a first aid certificate in case they don't renew it when it expires.
So are people too sensitive? Assuming the worst of people, thinking compliments are backhanded insults?
Most of us have eyes, are very visual so why is physical appearance such a sore area. What will you notice first, a new hair cut, losing 20kg or a change to your personality or intellect? Got to start the conversation somewhere?
Wonder how much flack I'll get for this.
It's much easier when everyone follows the same guidelines. When people do what we are seeing here, with everyone making up their own set of rules and demanding that the rest of the world behave their way and making themselves the arbiters of what is and isn't okay...it doesn't work. You end up with a bunch of pissed off people. A bunch of people being offensive, maybe without meaning to be, and a bunch of people being offended, maybe without the right to be.
When everyone follows the guidelines, nobody has to ask the questions you ask because everyone already knows the answers. No offense is taken where it wasn't intended, etc. It's just easier.0 -
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I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that I've had more people walk up to me and start talking about my body than probably any five of you put together. I'll grant that it's tiresome hearing the same questions and comments over and over and over, but it's just really not that big of a deal to me.
It's not an issue of social skills as much as plain old manners. One of the reasons you don't talk about people losing weight is that it may be because they're sick. The other big one would be that it's just wildly inappropriate to walk up to someone and start talking about their body.It feels like sometimes people want everyone to just sit still and if you do engage in conversation don't discuss anything other than the weather or other neutral topics.
Because heaven forbide you touch on a unpleasant or embarrassing topic.
People say that asking about weight etc shows poor social skills, seems like not being able to handle a touchy subject is the real lack of social skills.
I imagine for most people losing weight is a positive thing, they aimed to lose weight, get healthier and if they achieve it then why can't people compliment them.
Should we eliminate entire topics from discussion just because some people may have lost weight for bad reasons like illness?
If that's the case we can't talk about people's children since they might be sick, we can't talk about their friends or family in case one is sick or dying, don't even ask about sports in case their team lost on the weekend. Don't ask how they are going even if they look sad or depressed cause you might get a bad response or rub salt in a wound. Don't congratulate someone for getting a first aid certificate in case they don't renew it when it expires.
So are people too sensitive? Assuming the worst of people, thinking compliments are backhanded insults?
Most of us have eyes, are very visual so why is physical appearance such a sore area. What will you notice first, a new hair cut, losing 20kg or a change to your personality or intellect? Got to start the conversation somewhere?
Wonder how much flack I'll get for this.
Also, calling something "wildly inappropriate" doesn't really mean that it is, does it? The fact that it happens so commonly kind of argues that, from a societal perspective, wigging out over it is more wildly inappropriate than the comments themselves.
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I think the girl in the article should seek some help. She seems a little off.0
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It's not an issue of social skills as much as plain old manners. One of the reasons you don't talk about people losing weight is that it may be because they're sick. The other big one would be that it's just wildly inappropriate to walk up to someone and start talking about their body.It feels like sometimes people want everyone to just sit still and if you do engage in conversation don't discuss anything other than the weather or other neutral topics.
Because heaven forbide you touch on a unpleasant or embarrassing topic.
People say that asking about weight etc shows poor social skills, seems like not being able to handle a touchy subject is the real lack of social skills.
I imagine for most people losing weight is a positive thing, they aimed to lose weight, get healthier and if they achieve it then why can't people compliment them.
Should we eliminate entire topics from discussion just because some people may have lost weight for bad reasons like illness?
If that's the case we can't talk about people's children since they might be sick, we can't talk about their friends or family in case one is sick or dying, don't even ask about sports in case their team lost on the weekend. Don't ask how they are going even if they look sad or depressed cause you might get a bad response or rub salt in a wound. Don't congratulate someone for getting a first aid certificate in case they don't renew it when it expires.
So are people too sensitive? Assuming the worst of people, thinking compliments are backhanded insults?
Most of us have eyes, are very visual so why is physical appearance such a sore area. What will you notice first, a new hair cut, losing 20kg or a change to your personality or intellect? Got to start the conversation somewhere?
Wonder how much flack I'll get for this.
It's much easier when everyone follows the same guidelines. When people do what we are seeing here, with everyone making up their own set of rules and demanding that the rest of the world behave their way and making themselves the arbiters of what is and isn't okay...it doesn't work. You end up with a bunch of pissed off people. A bunch of people being offensive, maybe without meaning to be, and a bunch of people being offended, maybe without the right to be.
When everyone follows the guidelines, nobody has to ask the questions you ask because everyone already knows the answers. No offense is taken where it wasn't intended, etc. It's just easier.
Meh. So we should follow the guidelines you think are appropriate even though the majority of the people in the thread disagree and don't take offense.
Well yes, because if 2 people are offended 50 have to change and create guidelines. smh.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Boo fricking hoo.
"I like your new hairstyle." "Why did you remind me of my old, terrible one?!!?!?!"
What a way to go through life.
This. In fact it's even more comparable to "Did you change your hair?" vs "I like your new hairstyle".
If someone wants to know if you've lost weight, why can't they ask that? They don't necessarily mean "You look nice today". Why would anyone assume that's what they mean? It's best to assume people mean what they say instead of wanting to believe they mean something different. When they say "Have you lost weight?" They mean "Have you lost weight?"
Asking "Have you lost weight?" can't even be said to mean "Have you lost weight? Good for you!" - They didn't say that. So don't assume they mean it. So "Have you lost weight?" Isn't even a compliment. It's simply a question.
If you interpret it differently (especially from family or friends), isn't that on you, not the person who said it?0 -
I'm from europe and would have SO much trouble with my social skills in the US (to me) you are offended over some very confusing things.
If asked in europe about weightloss, most people would take it as a compliment.0 -
On one hand, it's annoying when people take offense to everything people say. Get over yourself.
On the other hand, I don't think anyone should be making comments about other people's bodies. However, if it's meant as a compliment, and it's the thought that counts, it's really not worth getting worked up about it.
When I get comments like, "you're so tiny" or "you're so skinny," I just smile with that polite little half-laugh thing and go about my business. I prefer getting comments like, "you look strong" or "you look fit," but we can't pick and choose what compliments people are giving us. The comments that bother me are, "you're getting too skinny - you need to stop" or "you're looking awfully thin...are you healthy?" or "oh, so you decided to eat today?" These comments are just ignorant and misinformed. I eat plenty, I'm at a healthy weight for my height, and I'm no longer seeking to lose weight. However, I wouldn't write an article about it. In the end, who the hell cares? Just brush it off.0 -
Outside of fitness sites full of like minded individuals, unsolicited comments about my body make me very uncomfortable. I personally would never ask anyone if they've lost weight. I don't know if I'd call it inappropriate or offensive, but I definitely don't like it.0
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TL;DR all the comments... But the author is whiny. Your friends thought you looked good but didn't know how to communicate that so they think, "Oh she must have lost weight." Take the compliment and move on with your life.0
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People working pretty hard to get offended. That energy would be better spent elsewhere.0
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Boo fricking hoo.
"I like your new hairstyle." "Why did you remind me of my old, terrible one?!!?!?!"
What a way to go through life.
Haha I agree. What? Should we just not say anything to anyone ever?
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It's not an issue of social skills as much as plain old manners. One of the reasons you don't talk about people losing weight is that it may be because they're sick. The other big one would be that it's just wildly inappropriate to walk up to someone and start talking about their body.It feels like sometimes people want everyone to just sit still and if you do engage in conversation don't discuss anything other than the weather or other neutral topics.
Because heaven forbide you touch on a unpleasant or embarrassing topic.
People say that asking about weight etc shows poor social skills, seems like not being able to handle a touchy subject is the real lack of social skills.
I imagine for most people losing weight is a positive thing, they aimed to lose weight, get healthier and if they achieve it then why can't people compliment them.
Should we eliminate entire topics from discussion just because some people may have lost weight for bad reasons like illness?
If that's the case we can't talk about people's children since they might be sick, we can't talk about their friends or family in case one is sick or dying, don't even ask about sports in case their team lost on the weekend. Don't ask how they are going even if they look sad or depressed cause you might get a bad response or rub salt in a wound. Don't congratulate someone for getting a first aid certificate in case they don't renew it when it expires.
So are people too sensitive? Assuming the worst of people, thinking compliments are backhanded insults?
Most of us have eyes, are very visual so why is physical appearance such a sore area. What will you notice first, a new hair cut, losing 20kg or a change to your personality or intellect? Got to start the conversation somewhere?
Wonder how much flack I'll get for this.
It's much easier when everyone follows the same guidelines. When people do what we are seeing here, with everyone making up their own set of rules and demanding that the rest of the world behave their way and making themselves the arbiters of what is and isn't okay...it doesn't work. You end up with a bunch of pissed off people. A bunch of people being offensive, maybe without meaning to be, and a bunch of people being offended, maybe without the right to be.
When everyone follows the guidelines, nobody has to ask the questions you ask because everyone already knows the answers. No offense is taken where it wasn't intended, etc. It's just easier.
So you think the earlier poster's family was right to completely ignore her 150 lb loss and pretend like they didn't notice?
And what "the" guidelines are you talking about? Citation please.0 -
I thought the article was overly militant but I kind of get where the author is coming from.
Many people assign high value or social status to being slender or good looking. It is not so much about congratulating someone for making themselves healthier but rather it can be more like " congratulations, you are one of the club now and you don't offend my eyes" It can also include moral attitudes about worth as people simply due to the way they look.
With enough time prejudice and bias can shift but the status quo tends to change more quickly if challenged.0 -
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
how is saying merry Christmas imposing a religion on someone?
Again it's like saying good morning, am I imposing a good morning on you or are you free to have what ever sort of morning you choose?
I don't recognize mornings at all.0 -
LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »
It's not an issue of social skills as much as plain old manners. One of the reasons you don't talk about people losing weight is that it may be because they're sick. The other big one would be that it's just wildly inappropriate to walk up to someone and start talking about their body.It feels like sometimes people want everyone to just sit still and if you do engage in conversation don't discuss anything other than the weather or other neutral topics.
Because heaven forbide you touch on a unpleasant or embarrassing topic.
People say that asking about weight etc shows poor social skills, seems like not being able to handle a touchy subject is the real lack of social skills.
I imagine for most people losing weight is a positive thing, they aimed to lose weight, get healthier and if they achieve it then why can't people compliment them.
Should we eliminate entire topics from discussion just because some people may have lost weight for bad reasons like illness?
If that's the case we can't talk about people's children since they might be sick, we can't talk about their friends or family in case one is sick or dying, don't even ask about sports in case their team lost on the weekend. Don't ask how they are going even if they look sad or depressed cause you might get a bad response or rub salt in a wound. Don't congratulate someone for getting a first aid certificate in case they don't renew it when it expires.
So are people too sensitive? Assuming the worst of people, thinking compliments are backhanded insults?
Most of us have eyes, are very visual so why is physical appearance such a sore area. What will you notice first, a new hair cut, losing 20kg or a change to your personality or intellect? Got to start the conversation somewhere?
Wonder how much flack I'll get for this.
It's much easier when everyone follows the same guidelines. When people do what we are seeing here, with everyone making up their own set of rules and demanding that the rest of the world behave their way and making themselves the arbiters of what is and isn't okay...it doesn't work. You end up with a bunch of pissed off people. A bunch of people being offensive, maybe without meaning to be, and a bunch of people being offended, maybe without the right to be.
When everyone follows the guidelines, nobody has to ask the questions you ask because everyone already knows the answers. No offense is taken where it wasn't intended, etc. It's just easier.
So you think the earlier poster's family was right to completely ignore her 150 lb loss and pretend like they didn't notice?
And what "the" guidelines are you talking about? Citation please.
THE guidelines, silly.0 -
cordreyrich wrote: »
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
how is saying merry Christmas imposing a religion on someone?
Again it's like saying good morning, am I imposing a good morning on you or are you free to have what ever sort of morning you choose?
I don't recognize mornings at all.
I agree with this! My neighbor wishes me a happy Eid at-Fitr and I wish her a merry Christmas. We're wishing each other happiness, what's so wrong with that?0 -
Kennethxyz wrote: »I'm from europe and would have SO much trouble with my social skills in the US (to me) you are offended over some very confusing things.
If asked in europe about weightloss, most people would take it as a compliment.
Most people in the US do too.
It's just that's not interesting to talk about, so the outliers get the attention.
I do think a lot of this is that there are competing ideas about what's socially acceptable--some think it's rude not to notice and comment on something like a new haircut or weight loss, while others think it's rude to comment. I've posted about how the most off comments I've received about weight loss (the did you have WLS one, among others) were from our Polish cleaning woman at work, and I just assumed it was different cultural ideas about etiquette and no big thing. She perhaps thought my reluctance to talk much about it and refusal to say precisely how much I've lost was weird.
Given that most of us probably live in places where there are competing ideas about social etiquette, I think the thing to do is to do your own best not to offend others (again, why I am happy to say "happy holidays," as I know lots of people I interact with are not Christian and do not celebrate Christmas) and also not to get needlessly offended by people who mean well (and this is why I'm happy to be wished a happy specific holiday I don't celebrate or be told I look great after losing weight and also understand why many people will never mention my weight). I think it's good manners to try and treat others as they would like to be treated (and that means ma'aming those who prefer it and not using ma'am with those who dislike it, if you know), but is generally rude to make a big thing of being offended when you know or should know it was meant well. Much of the time that seems intended to be a show of power or passive aggressive behavior or simply to hurt or belittle someone else.0 -
People these days cry way to much about being offended or having their feelings hurt. Chill out people, don't take everything so seriously.0
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lemurcat12 wrote: »Kennethxyz wrote: »I'm from europe and would have SO much trouble with my social skills in the US (to me) you are offended over some very confusing things.
If asked in europe about weightloss, most people would take it as a compliment.
Most people in the US do too.
It's just that's not interesting to talk about, so the outliers get the attention.
I do think a lot of this is that there are competing ideas about what's socially acceptable--some think it's rude not to notice and comment on something like a new haircut or weight loss, while others think it's rude to comment. I've posted about how the most off comments I've received about weight loss (the did you have WLS one, among others) were from our Polish cleaning woman at work, and I just assumed it was different cultural ideas about etiquette and no big thing. She perhaps thought my reluctance to talk much about it and refusal to say precisely how much I've lost was weird.
Given that most of us probably live in places where there are competing ideas about social etiquette, I think the thing to do is to do your own best not to offend others (again, why I am happy to say "happy holidays," as I know lots of people I interact with are not Christian and do not celebrate Christmas) and also not to get needlessly offended by people who mean well (and this is why I'm happy to be wished a happy specific holiday I don't celebrate or be told I look great after losing weight and also understand why many people will never mention my weight). I think it's good manners to try and treat others as they would like to be treated (and that means ma'aming those who prefer it and not using ma'am with those who dislike it, if you know), but is generally rude to make a big thing of being offended when you know or should know it was meant well. Much of the time that seems intended to be a show of power or passive aggressive behavior or simply to hurt or belittle someone else.
Polish cleaning woman at work never hold back. They go right to the core. Feels bad.0 -
cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
Honestly - lots of people don't notice changing ones clothes - few people are up to date on their fashion knowledge. Maybe all they could really discern is that the clothes fit better. Usually when that person see that, they don't think "Oh so and so is upgrading her wardrobe" (Which implies them also thinking you have a small fortune to spend on new clothes) they think "Those clothes fit nicely... maybe she lost weight?" Unless you told them you got all new clothes, people don't generally make that conclusion.0 -
I've lost almost 50lbs and people have really started to notice now and I love it!! Every time someone mentions my weight loss, a huge grin spreads across my face. I actually had a colleague say he noticed a while ago but didn't want to say anything in case it came across as rude, I actually told him to not worry about coming across as rude and that I really appreciated his comments.0
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