"Asking if I've lost weight isn't a compliment"
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ncboiler89 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »barbecuesauce wrote: »
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
If I'm unsure, they get a generic "happy holidays" because there are many happening in a short time period,
so pick your favorite and assume I'm talking about that.
The one I have trouble with is people wishing me a happy mother's day.
First, from a stranger you're just assuming that since I look middle-aged I must have a child.
Second, that stranger is assuming that my relationship with the child they can't be sure I have is a happy one.
I've learned not to break into tears in front of people, but it still hurts. They mean well, but it hurts.
Same. I don't want to talk about why I hate this personally, but it's a hard day for many women. And it's a weird thing to presume, that someone must have a child because she's a female in her late 20s and above. Just don't do this.
I do not get why anyone would wish anyone they do not have a maternal connection to a happy mothers day.
You think too hard about this
Really? I just find it weird. Same with Valentines Day. When I was in the States I was wished a Happy Valentines by so many random people. Here at home, unless you're boinking, or seriously considering boinking, someone valentines day doesn't really come up between people.0 -
thinnforever wrote: »99 percent of people look better when they lose weight.
The article pissed me off. Boo Hoo. Cry me a river. Society loves thin over fat. Get over it.
I like you, your turn of phrase and your realism0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »ncboiler89 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »barbecuesauce wrote: »
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
If I'm unsure, they get a generic "happy holidays" because there are many happening in a short time period,
so pick your favorite and assume I'm talking about that.
The one I have trouble with is people wishing me a happy mother's day.
First, from a stranger you're just assuming that since I look middle-aged I must have a child.
Second, that stranger is assuming that my relationship with the child they can't be sure I have is a happy one.
I've learned not to break into tears in front of people, but it still hurts. They mean well, but it hurts.
Same. I don't want to talk about why I hate this personally, but it's a hard day for many women. And it's a weird thing to presume, that someone must have a child because she's a female in her late 20s and above. Just don't do this.
I do not get why anyone would wish anyone they do not have a maternal connection to a happy mothers day.
You think too hard about this
Really? I just find it weird. Same with Valentines Day. When I was in the States I was wished a Happy Valentines by so many random people. Here at home, unless you're boinking, or seriously considering boinking, someone valentines day doesn't really come up between people.
Mother's day is less personal than valentine day. Wishing someone a happy mother's day is more of a sign of respect. Damn now I'm thinking too much about it!!0 -
ncboiler89 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »barbecuesauce wrote: »
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
If I'm unsure, they get a generic "happy holidays" because there are many happening in a short time period,
so pick your favorite and assume I'm talking about that.
The one I have trouble with is people wishing me a happy mother's day.
First, from a stranger you're just assuming that since I look middle-aged I must have a child.
Second, that stranger is assuming that my relationship with the child they can't be sure I have is a happy one.
I've learned not to break into tears in front of people, but it still hurts. They mean well, but it hurts.
Same. I don't want to talk about why I hate this personally, but it's a hard day for many women. And it's a weird thing to presume, that someone must have a child because she's a female in her late 20s and above. Just don't do this.
I do not get why anyone would wish anyone they do not have a maternal connection to a happy mothers day.
You think too hard about this
Some people just without thinking wish people a happy whatever holiday it is. It's something I wouldn't do but, again, wouldn't hold against anyone who meant well.0 -
*thanReady2Rock206 wrote: »Discussing my weight at all is not acceptable. It is a horribly rude topic and I'd rather be punched in the face then discuss my weight with random people with no social skills who think it is an acceptable topic.
Otherwise you are saying that first you would like to be punched in the face
Thennnn discuss your weight.
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Waaaa someone complimented me, waaaaaa I'm entitled to be insulated from the observations of other people, waaaaaaaaa... I didn't even read the article but that's my official response to it.0
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afatpersonwholikesfood wrote:HAES, at its simplest, is about choosing to eat better, exercise, and do
things that are good for you regardless of what you weigh.
Yeah, what he said.Mr_Knight wrote:That's the first time I've heard it described like that.
The message I've always gotten is "I'm healthy even though I'm obese".
Interesting. What you said, I can agree with.
.
Hormones. Really, it's hormones. Weepy, angry, whatever, it will eventually go away.kjm wrote:Right now I'm pregnant and any and every comment about how I look is annoying to me whether
it be a compliment or the dumbass woman at target who asked if I was having twins.
Meanwhile, everyone should realize that pregnant women are hormonally volatile, and do
absolutely nothing that could possibly in any way cause any emotional reaction. (Other than
perhaps family & close friends hugging you, that sort of thing.)
I think the only person who really shocked me was the (complete stranger) who had come to
speak with the class I was helping with (about her religion... it was a comparative religion class
for the church I used to attend) ran over to me as I entered the room, a look of complete
joy on her face, grabbed my belly, and made Happy Sounds [TM] about me being pregnant.
(While looking at my abdomen.)
I was not happy, about her or about being pregnant, but I didn't kill her. Didn't even hurt her.
Why is it strangers feel compelled to touch a pregnant belly?
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Cranquistador wrote: »
*thanReady2Rock206 wrote: »Discussing my weight at all is not acceptable. It is a horribly rude topic and I'd rather be punched in the face then discuss my weight with random people with no social skills who think it is an acceptable topic.
Otherwise you are saying that first you would like to be punched in the face
Thennnn discuss your weight.
Maybe it would be a good distraction from the upcoming weight talk?
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If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...0
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ImpracticalGirl wrote: »
Me thinks that if a person chooses to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for themselves, they'd end up losing weight. QED.afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »HAES, at its simplest, is about choosing to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for you regardless of what you weigh.
What if they don't weigh their food?!?0 -
I haven't read the thread, has someone used this gif yet?Alatariel75 wrote: »Cranquistador wrote: »
*thanReady2Rock206 wrote: »Discussing my weight at all is not acceptable. It is a horribly rude topic and I'd rather be punched in the face then discuss my weight with random people with no social skills who think it is an acceptable topic.
Otherwise you are saying that first you would like to be punched in the face
Thennnn discuss your weight.
Maybe it would be a good distraction from the upcoming weight talk?
Srsly though, you're damned if do compliment , and you're damned if you don't.
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Cranquistador wrote: »
I haven't read the thread, has someone used this gif yet?Alatariel75 wrote: »Cranquistador wrote: »
*thanReady2Rock206 wrote: »Discussing my weight at all is not acceptable. It is a horribly rude topic and I'd rather be punched in the face then discuss my weight with random people with no social skills who think it is an acceptable topic.
Otherwise you are saying that first you would like to be punched in the face
Thennnn discuss your weight.
Maybe it would be a good distraction from the upcoming weight talk?
Srsly though, you're damned if do compliment , and you're damned if you don't.
People always looking for a reason to *kitten* and be a victim.0 -
Depends on the situation, but the 'how much do you weigh now?' seems out of bounds.dramaqueen45 wrote:I generally don't mind if people who know me well and know I've been trying to eat healthy
and lose weight if I have lost- it's nice that they notice my efforts. On the other hand if it's someone
I don't know well and they start asking personal questions like - so how much do you weigh
now? Or how much have you lost? That's really none of their business and makes me a bit uncomfortable.
'How much have you lost?' is safer. I'm quite willing to brag, to anyone.
But if it's a friend, s/he had darn well better be saying something about how great I look now!
I've put a lot of time & effort into this.
.
I went to an annual meeting this spring, and 2 guys who hadn't seen me since the last one saidtriciab wrote:People routinely do not recognize me if they have not seen me since the weight loss
they weren't quite sure it was me.
That was great. Then some people who didn't know me
quite as well started commenting on how great I looked, and that was nice too.
There's a guy I see only a couple times a year at most, and I took some goodies to him in Dec.
(he celebrates Christmas, so that's what it was for). When I walked in, he didn't seem to
know it was me at first. Then he got that look on his face & walked across the room looking a
bit shellshocked.
"You look great! How do you feel?" Wonderful, never better.
And after a little while, "how much have you lost?" At that point, 60 lb, which was still good.0 -
barbecuesauce wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »barbecuesauce wrote: »salembambi wrote: »I remember last Christmas when i showed up to Family Christmas crap after losing about 150 pounds ........not a single person said a damn thing about it or complimented or anything...they had not seen me in a year ......
i was like wtf is happening...
That's actually batsh%t crazy. 150 pounds is enough to render some people unrecognizable, and is certainly not easily ignored. I'd break my own rule of not making unsolicited remarks on others' bodies for that kind of loss.
Yup, especially with family.
Thinking a little more about it, it actually reminds me of a cousin of mine who had two breast implant surgeries in a year (surgeons don't perform massive increases at once, I think). Only the twentysomething cousins knew she'd had them, none of the "grownups." When she showed up, absolutely nothing was said. (There was no missing the change--she went from mosquito bites to looking like she had been drawn by a 13-year-old boy.) But I was hanging out with all of the elderly relatives and they would start up as soon as she left the room. At one point, she must have known she was being discussed or something because she came back in. Topic changed. She leaves. Back on her enhancement. This repeated a couple of times.
It's a weird dynamic in both cases but I guess that's family for you.
I don't know, complimenting/commenting on your cousin or neices breast is a bit different then weight loss
"Hey cousin, nice boobs" seems a little creepy for anyone outside Tasmania and swampy areas.
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Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
how is saying merry Christmas imposing a religion on someone?
Again it's like saying good morning, am I imposing a good morning on you or are you free to have what ever sort of morning you choose?
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salembambi wrote: »I remember last Christmas when i showed up to Family Christmas crap after losing about 150 pounds ........not a single person said a damn thing about it or complimented or anything...they had not seen me in a year ......
i was like wtf is happening...
What!! Wow! I would be the same way ... confused and angry lol.0 -
Honestly sometimes I wonder how we get here.
This is myfitness pal in the diet and weightloss section and the topic, atleast in part, being discussed is whether merry Christmas is appropriate.0 -
christinev297 wrote: »
I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.
Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
I...don't celebrate Christmas.0 -
How do you know I recognize your time system? Maybe in my world it's evening.
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
how is saying merry Christmas imposing a religion on someone?
Again it's like saying good morning, am I imposing a good morning on you or are you free to have what ever sort of morning you choose?
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I think the argument being made by the blogger is that looking good/better is an artificial social construct that is unfair to those who don't fit the arbitrary criteria.If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...
I could see how someone could argue the above. (However I would argue that the above is irrelevant and the unfair part would be treating people differently based on looks alone.)
I'm not sure how anyone can possibly argue that being healthier is not better, or that quality of life (even if you lived on a deserted island with nobody to judge your weight) would not be better at a more "ideal" weight compared to being significantly overfat.
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Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
It's not really a "fact", it's more like a choice.
Sometimes the 25th is Ramadan. And quite often it's Hannukah. Those are also choices.
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LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »
I think the argument being made by the blogger is that looking good/better is an artificial social construct that is unfair to those who don't fit the arbitrary criteria.If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...
I could see how someone could argue the above. (However I would argue that the above is irrelevant and the unfair part would be treating people differently based on looks alone.)
I'm not sure how anyone can possibly argue that being healthier is not better, or that quality of life (even if you lived on a deserted island with nobody to judge your weight) would not be better at a more "ideal" weight compared to being significantly overfat.
What I kind of took from it is that she's arguing that saying "you look good, did you lose weight?" is like asking "you look good, did you get work done?" i.e. inferring that the only way that person could have improved their looks is to have lost weight (not that maybe they're wearing something flattering, took extra care on their makeup, etc.)0 -
LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »
I think the argument being made by the blogger is that looking good/better is an artificial social construct that is unfair to those who don't fit the arbitrary criteria.If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...
Well I for sure don't agree with the "artificial social construct" bit, for any number of reasons.
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Right. But what "looks good" is an opinion and a function of personal preference.Alatariel75 wrote: »LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »
I think the argument being made by the blogger is that looking good/better is an artificial social construct that is unfair to those who don't fit the arbitrary criteria.If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...
I could see how someone could argue the above. (However I would argue that the above is irrelevant and the unfair part would be treating people differently based on looks alone.)
I'm not sure how anyone can possibly argue that being healthier is not better, or that quality of life (even if you lived on a deserted island with nobody to judge your weight) would not be better at a more "ideal" weight compared to being significantly overfat.
What I kind of took from it is that she's arguing that saying "you look good, did you lose weight?" is like asking "you look good, did you get work done?" i.e. inferring that the only way that person could have improved their looks is to have lost weight (not that maybe they're wearing something flattering, took extra care on their makeup, etc.)
Being offended that someone thinks "x looks better than y" still attaches a value judgment to "looking good" which is the very thing she's complaining about.
Best I can tell her proposed solution is to attempt to redefine everyone else's tastes by yelling at them.0 -
LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »
Right. But what "looks good" is an opinion and a function of personal preference.Alatariel75 wrote: »LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »
I think the argument being made by the blogger is that looking good/better is an artificial social construct that is unfair to those who don't fit the arbitrary criteria.If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...
I could see how someone could argue the above. (However I would argue that the above is irrelevant and the unfair part would be treating people differently based on looks alone.)
I'm not sure how anyone can possibly argue that being healthier is not better, or that quality of life (even if you lived on a deserted island with nobody to judge your weight) would not be better at a more "ideal" weight compared to being significantly overfat.
What I kind of took from it is that she's arguing that saying "you look good, did you lose weight?" is like asking "you look good, did you get work done?" i.e. inferring that the only way that person could have improved their looks is to have lost weight (not that maybe they're wearing something flattering, took extra care on their makeup, etc.)
Being offended that someone thinks "x looks better than y" still attaches a value judgment to "looking good" which is the very thing she's complaining about.
Best I can tell her proposed solution is to attempt to redefine everyone else's tastes by yelling at them.
You mean that doesn't work?? Dagnabbit.0 -
Spreyton22K wrote: »I honestly believe that the sentiments expressed in the article are reflecting modern day attitudes that have changed over time.
I'm 52......I grew up in Australia, back in my younger days, it WAS common practice for every man and his dog to make comments about weight/appearance.....looking hotter/not so hot/have YOU lost weight or the other have you GAINED..... whatever.
It was an expected part of the culture and in the most part never meant to be rude or provocative except of course if you knew my Mother (then the spite was real).
Nowadays we have so much more awareness and organised movements for Body Positivity, Health at Every Size etc etc......which in general is empowering and positive, although I do not believe that obesity can be healthy, despite perfect blood work, Bp's etc etc there is just too much science-based evidence to confirm that obesity will impact negatively upon your life and lifespan. There I have said it - Shoot me down if you want.
I have to agree with Peachy - before we get our panties in a twist over such comments, we should take time to:
Look at the age/generation the person came from.
Are they being genuine or is it a back-handed comment meant to make you feel uncomfortable.
Be aware of cultural influences as well....not all Cultures as as A'hem 'polite' or shy expressing their thoughts.
It could be that you are just looking extra fab in your outfit of the day and weight is the 1st thing that comes to mind.
Or.....maybe they are just socially inept and doing the best they can.
We are ALL so diverse, what someone else craves and would find inspiring (those that have said they were thrilled when someone noticed and commented on their loss) others find insulting and intrusive.
@Spreyton22K, That's really interesting!
I've met quite a few Aussies born in that generation and they've always been very polite, if not though, quite straight forward in their opinions and viewpoints without being incredibly rude (like my gen Y batch who can be very rude, but very PC or very detached, not particularly polite but VERY non-PC).
I actually do enjoy speaking to them because it's quite refreshing to have someone speak their mind. These days we've lost the ability to agree to disagree. Freedom of speech also means letting someone air their view even if its stupid/silly/offensive so long as its not say for example a call to arms or spewing absolute hatred with violence as an intention - some might even argue that is also ok in a way so long as that person takes accountability for the consequences that come AFTER they have spewed that hatred because you can't punish someone for thinking something if they haven't committed it (aka minority report).
What you've described is VERY COMMON in Asian communities where EVERYTHING is up for commentary. This is not limited to family. Even strangers, friends. But the closer the familial relation the more barbs you get.
Its really common to meet a relative after a while and them saying things like "OMG LOOK AT YOU, YOU HAVE GROWN *SO FAT* HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND!!" and later in the day they are putting food in your bowl telling you to eat more. Moms would say the above, and then maybe go as far as to take the rice bowl away from you saying "Oh that's enough, you will get fat!"
Its not usually meant as a put down (maybe except green-eyed relatives) and they usually mean it in a very pragmatic way...but it really gets to the young Asians who are either brought up in the West or brought up in a Westernised manner.
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"A few years ago, I finally stopped worrying about the kilos and focused on just being happy and healthy. I don't know what I weigh anymore, but I do know what I'm worth."
Oh come on, you can't be healthy if you are overweight. Does the media have such a negative portrayal on body image? Yes. But that doesn't mean you should rebel by being obese and saying it's fine. It's not. I know. I was obese. I knew it wasn't healthy. It did not make me truly happy, just superficially happy when I'd eat a lot of food. Losing weight has been a lot better for me. It's not easy, but it's the way to go. Fat people need to ease up on the I'm beautiful the way I am mantra. Yes, it's fine to be curvy. But I've seen people with guts that just hang over their pelvis or have clothes that barely fit them and that is not fine. They aren't beautiful, but they can be if they put the time and energy into healthy eating rather than yelling at society to accept their unhealthy lifestyle.0 -
ImpracticalGirl wrote: »
Me thinks that if a person chooses to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for themselves, they'd end up losing weight. QED.afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »HAES, at its simplest, is about choosing to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for you regardless of what you weigh.
What if they don't weigh their food?!?
This is the most entertaining thread I've read in days. So much more fun than all the "Help!" and "I'm so confused!" threads.0 -
"A few years ago, I finally stopped worrying about the kilos and focused on just being happy and healthy. I don't know what I weigh anymore, but I do know what I'm worth."
Oh come on, you can't be healthy if you are overweight. Does the media have such a negative portrayal on body image? Yes. But that doesn't mean you should rebel by being obese and saying it's fine. It's not. I know. I was obese. I knew it wasn't healthy. It did not make me truly happy, just superficially happy when I'd eat a lot of food. Losing weight has been a lot better for me. It's not easy, but it's the way to go. Fat people need to ease up on the I'm beautiful the way I am mantra. Yes, it's fine to be curvy. But I've seen people with guts that just hang over their pelvis or have clothes that barely fit them and that is not fine. They aren't beautiful, but they can be if they put the time and energy into healthy eating rather than yelling at society to accept their unhealthy lifestyle.
That's true to a large degree I guess.
I notice we tend to gravitate towards either crazy almost ANA obsession or just I love being super obese and I'm still healthy. Both are not healthy. But isn't it always the case with everything. Too much of a "healthy" thing is unhealthy. Too much of an unhealthy thing is also (obviously) unhealthy.
Its about balance. But balance is subjective, and its up to us to find that sweet spot which will work long term and effectively along with the rest of the commitments and everything else in our lives. But that's the hardest part, isn't it.
The biggest thing I get from all of this is that we need to be body positive and work together to encourage one another, provide empathy and support and not cut each other down. Negativity adds (too many) pounds or takes away (too many) pounds on individuals who really need support and understanding.0
This discussion has been closed.
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