"Asking if I've lost weight isn't a compliment"
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PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »The writer is waaaaaaay overthinking the issue. "Have you lost weight" is just an observation (unless they're being sarcastic). At my heaviest, I'd get asked every now and then by people I hadn't seen in a while if I had lost weight. I hadn't, though they insisted that I had, but it was nice, for me, to think that for whatever reason, I didn't look like a big fat pig that day, or at least, as much of a big fat pig as usual. It was GOOD for my self image. If the writer has such a problem with her weight that even compliments sound like insults, then that is HER problem. She is devaluing HERSELF because of her weight and projecting her negativity onto other people. She either needs to get over it if she doesn't want to do anything about it, or she needs to pop on over to MFP and start herself a profile.
No, the author has separated her self worth from her weight and is bothered when it seems other people view anything positive or negative in terms of weight only. She concentrates on being happier and healthier, and therefore dresses better and takes more care to look good which helps her feel good. She thinks she has if anything probably gained a little weight, and she's ok with that. When people say, "You've lost weight, haven't you?" instead of "Wow, you look great in that color/style," or "That haircut really suits you," she feels as though the only currency for compliments is weight loss, and that's not a currency she possesses or values.
I've lost nearly 60 pounds, and people who haven't seen me in awhile usually mention it, and I'm fine with it. But there are people I see every week at church, people with whom I used to have genuinely interesting conversations. Now they greet me just about every Sunday with some version of, "Wow, you've really lost weight." It's just tedious, I haven't lost weight since last Sunday, can't we talk about the sermon or your grandchildren or ANYTHING REAL???0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
Because it's not about health at any size; it's about rationalization and framing the issue to make anyone who disagrees look bad. It's similar to showing how tolerant you are by shouting down as a bigot anyone who disagrees with your worldview. It's Newspeak in real life.PeachyCarol wrote: »I had a random thought this morning... given the underlying vitriol in the piece that seemed to stem from the HAES framework, I'm confused by something. If the battlecry is Health At ANY Size, why is there no respect for people like me who chose to benefit from weight reduction for medical reasons?
I tend to agree, but I doubt that its proponents examine their side of things closely enough to see things that way.
I had a poke around a few sites this morning. Contrary to a few assertions posted upthread, I did not see an emphasis on healthy food at all. I saw an emphasis on choosing food you liked, and allowing for what you wanted and a whole bunch of honoring your body and stuff like that.
Another thing I found disturbing was the link to the mindful eating movement. A lot of overweight people have BROKEN hunger signals due to emotional and deeply ingrained behavioral issues which could be corrected, and ... hey, it's okay to just HONOR them? Total BS.
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Oh, I think they have looked at it very closely. There's a growing tendency here to label things as "common sense" -- common sense gun control, common sense immigration reform, common sense tax reform -- because, hey, who's against common sense? It seems that the more indefensible something is, the more likely it is to be labeled "common sense." It's a way of trying to frame the issue so as to be able to dismiss any opponents as crackpots who are against common sense, and thereby avoid the sticky business of actually defending a position by trying to shut off debate as unnecessary. It's sort of a passive-aggressive ad hominem, really, to the extent it doesn't shut people up in the first place.PeachyCarol wrote: »DeguelloTex wrote: »
Because it's not about health at any size; it's about rationalization and framing the issue to make anyone who disagrees look bad. It's similar to showing how tolerant you are by shouting down as a bigot anyone who disagrees with your worldview. It's Newspeak in real life.PeachyCarol wrote: »I had a random thought this morning... given the underlying vitriol in the piece that seemed to stem from the HAES framework, I'm confused by something. If the battlecry is Health At ANY Size, why is there no respect for people like me who chose to benefit from weight reduction for medical reasons?
I tend to agree, but I doubt that its proponents examine their side of things closely enough to see things that way.
So, if you're against health at any size, you're clearly a loon who can and should be dismissed because you hate health. People who hate health should have no voice. It doesn't matter whether you really hate health; what matters is framing the issue. Again, I think they've made the very specific effort to try to avoid having to defend the actual content of the ideas by naming the ideas in certain ways.
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But the author isn't saying she feels people were trying to insult her; she's not talking about intent at all. She's saying, why are so many comments about appearance framed in terms of weight, when the change in appearance isn't to do with weight at all? She's saying many of us view positive or negative in terms of weight loss or gain only, when there is so much more to it. She has actively tried to get out of this mindset.ManiacalLaugh wrote: »I realize the author wasn't really trying to lose weight, and therefore, this might not mean the same to them, but it's still a remark intended on showing that person that "Hey, I can really tell that you're putting effort into trying to improve yourself." If they were trying to insult, there are a lot of other things they could've said. I've heard just about all of them.
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LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »I know! After I quit smoking someone asked me if I'd quit smoking, so naturally I pushed them into a rack of dumbells!
Lol.
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But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
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Life is just more pleasant in general if you assume good intentions until proven otherwise. Having lived with clinical depression since childhood, this was a skill I had to learn but it has made a world of difference.
This is my stance as well. Sometime almost had to go out of there way and literally say to me, "No, you idiot. That's an insult. "
Even then I might not realise it as such.0 -
A few years ago when I was at my fittest and thinnest I got comments from girls at my job all the time about my weight loss and even specific body parts but I took it as compliments and a chance to educate people about what I had learned about nutrition and getting back into lifting. Most where nice but one girl walked by me one day and said "Oh my God would you go eat a cheeseburger or something!" At first I thought it was rude but then I used it as more motivation in the gym. Haters gonna hate, right?
A few weeks later she said the same thing to me and I responded "Actually, I just had a double cheeseburger last night, but now that you mention it, I could totally go for another."
People are always going to over step boundaries, and make comments without thinking about how it may affect you. At my new job the cleaning lady has made comments to me about how I look like I'm getting "skinny." To me that is a little uncomfortable since I never talk to her and am also at the heaviest I've been in a long time but I know she's just trying to be nice so I say thank you and move on with my day.
Maybe I'm just used to my weight being a topic of discussion most of my life thanks to my mom but if you don't want people noticing and commenting on your weight loss then don't lose weight...or just never leave your house. Or just nut up and deal with it.0 -
cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
Going shopping isn't exactly an accomplishment worth mentioning IMO.0 -
Just wait for the mindful seeing movement where everyone casts down their glasses and millions die in car crashes.PeachyCarol wrote: »DeguelloTex wrote: »
Because it's not about health at any size; it's about rationalization and framing the issue to make anyone who disagrees look bad. It's similar to showing how tolerant you are by shouting down as a bigot anyone who disagrees with your worldview. It's Newspeak in real life.PeachyCarol wrote: »I had a random thought this morning... given the underlying vitriol in the piece that seemed to stem from the HAES framework, I'm confused by something. If the battlecry is Health At ANY Size, why is there no respect for people like me who chose to benefit from weight reduction for medical reasons?
I tend to agree, but I doubt that its proponents examine their side of things closely enough to see things that way.
I had a poke around a few sites this morning. Contrary to a few assertions posted upthread, I did not see an emphasis on healthy food at all. I saw an emphasis on choosing food you liked, and allowing for what you wanted and a whole bunch of honoring your body and stuff like that.
Another thing I found disturbing was the link to the mindful eating movement. A lot of overweight people have BROKEN hunger signals due to emotional and deeply ingrained behavioral issues which could be corrected, and ... hey, it's okay to just HONOR them? Total BS.
And the "healthy at any number of packs per day" movement.
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Because the changes give the appearance of weight loss? Because weight changes are harder and take more effort? Because they view weight as more important than the clothes or hairstyle? I mean, bad hair or clothes rarely put people in an early grave.cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)0 -
Well for me they don't just ask. They ask how much weight I have lost because people I care about already see that I am losing weight.0
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cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
Right, so she's totally fine with thinking that looks are important, even virtuous, and it's just swell to treat people differently based on their "looks" and she just wants to redefine what everyone likes so she fits in the "good" category.0 -
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Societies going to get to the point where we can't say anything because everyone is offended by everything ....
I get the writers point (just say I look good) but it's stupid, be less crazy! be less offended by everything these days!!! A new era is rolling in and it's full of people who love to *kitten* and complain about everything.. including a compliment that is meant to acknowledged hard work and effort.0 -
cparsons_60 wrote: »
But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
I see what you mean, yet when someone upgrades their wardrobe(or whatever) it can make them look thinner, hence an innocent comment.
You cannot control perception, then get upset about it. If you make changes and people notice isn't that good no matter how other people see what the change is.
(I also take it as a compliment
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It's not an issue of social skills as much as plain old manners. One of the reasons you don't talk about people losing weight is that it may be because they're sick. The other big one would be that it's just wildly inappropriate to walk up to someone and start talking about their body.It feels like sometimes people want everyone to just sit still and if you do engage in conversation don't discuss anything other than the weather or other neutral topics.
Because heaven forbide you touch on a unpleasant or embarrassing topic.
People say that asking about weight etc shows poor social skills, seems like not being able to handle a touchy subject is the real lack of social skills.
I imagine for most people losing weight is a positive thing, they aimed to lose weight, get healthier and if they achieve it then why can't people compliment them.
Should we eliminate entire topics from discussion just because some people may have lost weight for bad reasons like illness?
If that's the case we can't talk about people's children since they might be sick, we can't talk about their friends or family in case one is sick or dying, don't even ask about sports in case their team lost on the weekend. Don't ask how they are going even if they look sad or depressed cause you might get a bad response or rub salt in a wound. Don't congratulate someone for getting a first aid certificate in case they don't renew it when it expires.
So are people too sensitive? Assuming the worst of people, thinking compliments are backhanded insults?
Most of us have eyes, are very visual so why is physical appearance such a sore area. What will you notice first, a new hair cut, losing 20kg or a change to your personality or intellect? Got to start the conversation somewhere?
Wonder how much flack I'll get for this.
It's much easier when everyone follows the same guidelines. When people do what we are seeing here, with everyone making up their own set of rules and demanding that the rest of the world behave their way and making themselves the arbiters of what is and isn't okay...it doesn't work. You end up with a bunch of pissed off people. A bunch of people being offensive, maybe without meaning to be, and a bunch of people being offended, maybe without the right to be.
When everyone follows the guidelines, nobody has to ask the questions you ask because everyone already knows the answers. No offense is taken where it wasn't intended, etc. It's just easier.0
People can be really sensitive sometimes. People can take 'anything' out of context out as an insult these days. 
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