Was this an out of line question?

Hey all, I'm staying with my Mom for the time being while I work on some certifications for my next job. She lives up north and I have Seasonal Affective Disorder somewhat badly here. That's where a person gets symptoms such as fatigue and depression without enough light. It's been diagnosed by a doctor and I have a special therapeutic light I have to sit by 2+ hours a day.

It also causes other symptoms including carb cravings and weight gain. I've gained 5-6 lbs this winter and am trying to avoid any more. She keeps (white flour) biscuits that she makes and 3-4 types of sugary jam on the counter and I find this is a trigger for me when I'm having cravings. The kitchen is in the middle of the house and so I have to walk by it to get anywhere, not to mention when I get food.

I asked her if we could just put the jam somewhere out of sight because if I eat off this is usually what it is. Seriously, if I don't see it, I won't eat it. I know that may not make sense to some but that's just how I am. When I live on my own I just don't bring off-type foods into my house.

She seemed greatly put off by this. Was I out of line in asking? If I can't manage the symptoms well enough I'm going to have to move sooner than later perhaps but I am just trying to get by for now until I can get my certifications completed for my next job.

Replies

Athijade

Yes it was a bit out of line in my opinion. It is her home. Plus, you will deal with temptation day in and day out. Honestly, when you are staying in the home of another person, you don't ask that sort of thing and you just deal with it.

Karen_can_do_this

I'm sorry, but I have to take your Mum's side on this one.
You are a guest in her house. Yes she's your mum but geez.
That being said, I'm not an expert in the carb cravings of your condition so I can't really judge.
Try to exercise your willpower and just say no to them

SideSteel

Depends on how you approached it in my opinion.

If you were polite about and explained your issue I don't think you were out of line.
If you were a big doo doo head about it then yeah you were out of line.

For what it's worth, food environment can be a big contributor to calorie intake and cravings so from a behavioral perspective you're not off base by wanting the biscuits and jam to not be sitting out in the open. I wouldn't want it arranged that way either.

Ninkyou

I'd be on your mom's side. It's her house, she's allowed to put food wherever she likes.

It's not like she's leaving it out with a note saying "eat me", is it?
YOU need to control what YOU eat. I understand cravings can be really strong, so I'm going to say, if you know the food is there and there's an open invitation to eat it (I'd hope there is), and you know you will eat it, then pre-log it and fit it into your day. Don't let cravings control you. You control the cravings.

booksandchocolate12

There will always be temptations wherever you are. Will you tell co-workers that they can't have candy on their desks? Will you always get to decide where to go when your friends want to go out to dinner, because some places are too tempting for you? You have to learn to deal with the temptations and tell yourself no.

Lucille4444

You are an adult and she is opening her home to you. She doesn't deserve to be hassled. I'm sorry you have SAD, and hope you have a new job soon and a new place of your own that you can organize to your liking..

Kalikel

It was a little out of line. You're a guest in her home, so it's not really a good idea to suggest she start changing things for you.

I get why you'd ask and if she's throwing a fit about it, something else is up. Kids tend to think everything is about them and naturally assume that parents exist to do things for the kid, like "This is a problem for me, so of course my mom should change everything around to make it easier for me!" without ever considering that they're making things harder for mom or that mom might like doing things her way. Your mom should know that because she's a mom! Years of practice!

Treat your mom as you'd treat anyone else who took you in and allowed you to live in their house for free. It will get easier!

Larissa_NY

I don't know. I'm a mother of an adult daughter, and if she asked something like this of me, I wouldn't think it was that big a deal. Sure, she may not live with me now, but she did for 18 years, so I'm not unaccustomed to arranging things for the mutual benefit of two people sharing a house.

So no, speaking as a mom, I don't see a whole lot of difference between jam sitting on the counter and jam sitting out of sight in a cabinet eight inches above the counter. My guess is that the issue is more one of her not really being all that thrilled with sharing her space again. I had to live with my mother for a while and I will tell you for a fact that she resented the hell out of my very existence in her space. I hope that's not the case with you, but it does sound like this is about more than just jam from her perspective.

daniwilford

I am the Mother, of an adult daughter that lives in my home. If I am asked nicely and given an explanation, I comply with reasonable requests. Most parents want what is best for their children. Her intent might have been to give you easy access to something that brought you enjoyment. She may have felt unappreciated. I know sometimes my daughter misinterprets my actions, I am not trying to purposefully annoy her. It hurts my feelings, when I am accused of doing something unpleasant, when I think I am only trying to please her.

cafeaulait7

Let me guess: she doesn't think you should lose anymore weight?

But I don't think it's rude to request it politely of a parent you get along with, no.

The jam should probably be in the fridge anyway, unless it's those teeny, sealed servings, if it's going to be sitting out all day

I'd be super careful if you ever need to bring that up, though! People take offense easily during bacteria discussions, lol.

tahn1000

i think it sort of depends on many things whether you were really out of line. if your mother is aware of your condition and knows it's medical then maybe she would be sympathetic to you needing her help to resist temptation. but really, being your mum, i honestly doubt it would occur to her that it is an issue.

i don't live with my mum, but i go visit every weekend and i've never asked her to list down what she's put in the meals even though she knows i'm calorie counting, both because it would feel too awkward to ask and because these are meals my mum is preparing for me - ordinary healthy meals, plus the deserts, biscuits etc - and she shouldn't have to consider stuff like that (it's not as if i have food allergies or anything like that).

Ninkyou

125goals wrote: »

I don't see what the big deal of hiding food in the cupboard, out of site. I don't see why her

Ninkyou wrote: »

I'd be on your mom's side. It's her house, she's allowed to put food wherever she likes.

It's not like she's leaving it out with a note saying "eat me", is it?
YOU need to control what YOU eat. I understand cravings can be really strong, so I'm going to say, if you know the food is there and there's an open invitation to eat it (I'd hope there is), and you know you will eat it, then pre-log it and fit it into your day. Don't let cravings control you. You control the cravings.

So if your child asked you to put a jar away , out her sight you'd tell her no it's my house? You wouldn't help her out and do that little simple favour for her knowing it's important to her?

I don't see the big deal at all.

And, isn't a parents house suppose to be like a second home, not for you to take over but people are acting like she's staying at a distant cousins house or something.

Unless you gave her attitude about it OP I don't see why she would be taken back.

There may be a reason why she doesn't want to move it to the cupboard. We only have what the OP stated to go by. Perhaps she leaves it there to come back to later in the day and if she puts it away she'll forget about it and it goes to waste.

I think there's more to this story, to be honest. I can understand asking favors and all that. But OP also needs to have some personal responsibility.

mccindy72

As a mother of adult children, if my children were staying with me for a short time, I guess I wouldn't protest about putting a jar of jam in the cupboard if they asked me. It's not that big of a deal.
We all talk about not having our temptations in our own house, and this is her mother we are talking about. I love my children and want to do what I can to help them. It's not a hassle to do that.
She didn't ask her mom to rearrange furniture or anything.

Ninkyou

mccindy72 wrote: »

As a mother of adult children, if my children were staying with me for a short time, I guess I wouldn't protest about putting a jar of jam in the cupboard if they asked me. It's not that big of a deal.
We all talk about not having our temptations in our own house, and this is her mother we are talking about. I love my children and want to do what I can to help them. It's not a hassle to do that.
She didn't ask her mom to rearrange furniture or anything.

I agree that the request in itself is not that big of a deal. Perhaps the way the request was approached is at fault. Who knows.

azulvioleta6

Perfectly appropriate question, but ultimately, you are in charge of your self control.

Winter has just barely started...I think that you need to stop using this as an excuse ASAP.

Christine_72

I don't think it was an unreasonable request at all. No big deal for your mum to put the food in the pantry. If my daughter asked me this, i wouldn't have a problem with it at all. My mum would do it for me to if I asked her.

CoffeeNBooze

125goals wrote: »

her

Ninkyou wrote: »

I'd be on your mom's side. It's her house, she's allowed to put food wherever she likes.

It's not like she's leaving it out with a note saying "eat me", is it?
YOU need to control what YOU eat. I understand cravings can be really strong, so I'm going to say, if you know the food is there and there's an open invitation to eat it (I'd hope there is), and you know you will eat it, then pre-log it and fit it into your day. Don't let cravings control you. You control the cravings.

So if your child asked you to put a jar away , out her sight you'd tell her no it's my house? You wouldn't help her out and do that little simple favour for her knowing it's important to her?

I don't see the big deal at all.

And, isn't a parents house suppose to be like a second home, not for you to take over but people are acting like she's staying at a distant cousins house or something.

Unless you gave her attitude about it OP I don't see why she would be taken back.

Yeah this is where I'm coming from to. My mom wouldn't have cared at all if I just explained what was going on and asked if I could move it. For someone to take offense to that from their child, I have to believe something else is going on. Doesn't have to be anything major, but just a different type of relationship than one I have with my mom... a more uncomfortable one. Just imo

Cranquistador

Not sure how your relationship is so its hard to say.

Can you afford to remove yourself from the situation and stay somewhere where there will be no triggers for you?

KourtneyChristine

I think if you asked her nicely and politely then I don't see the problem. I think you should try to control your cravings and temptations but I know if I asked my mom to put something away or asked if I could find a spot where I don't see it and tempt me then she would totally put it away or find a better spot. My mom on the other hand struggles with temptation like I do so she knows what it's like but it you explained it to your mom I think she would understand more.
Also I don't think she should feel like a guest. Your parents home should feel like a second home to you. It's not like she's staying at an aunts or cousins house and has to walk on egg shells. She should express her concerns.

CurlyCockney

Whilst I understand the need to vent, it's your mum you should be asking this question. She's the only one who can answer with certainty and it can open up an opportunity to discuss what your reasons are and what hers are too. Hopefully, both of you will gain some understanding and the problem will be eased.

mccindy72

However, OP, looking at your profile, I'm led to ask, perhaps she's put off because you are in very good shape and she is concerned you are worrying overmuch about eating a bit of jam?

I do understand that SAD is a legitimate condition, but it does not have an effect of weight gain. Only eating excess calories does that, and you have the choice in that.

RiseHigher

OK first of all for those who mentioned personal responsibility. I'm not blaming anything but I do have a medical condition that is bad and causes these cravings which are a hallmark of the disorder. I don't have this issue - at all - in the summer or when I live farther south. In fact I'm getting a nutrition coach certification, it's not like I don't know how to eat healthy or have a desire to; healthy eating is how all my friends know me as. I'm doing all I can to manage the situation as it stands. And I'm not full out binging but I do want to avoid eating sugary goods as it contributes to the symptoms.

My doctor as well when I discussed it with him said a huge component of health is your environment and if the people around you propel unhealthy foods and eating, it will more likely be a fail.

She does love to make those biscuits, bread etc and yes to the person who said she doesn't like to see me lose weight - you were right. I don't know why she would rather see me overweight (I once was before I knew what this disorder was). I'm sometimes suspicious about why, such as I'm the last unmarried child and if she can keep it that way I'll always be there to keep her company, or something (I'm the only one who spends time with her). But I don't know. My sister lost weight before and she was critical too.

But that's really neither here nor there. Yes if it gets too bad I'll find a way to move before I get my next job. But relocating some jam I'd hope wouldn't be so bad. I do a LOT of work around here as well so it's not one sided.

I agree with the poster that I should ask her about it personally though. We were both tired to be honest (she has SAD too but won't admit or treat it) and it probably wasn't the time.

In fact you guys are right too, she may not have been put off by that it could have been that she was just tired or off about something else.

tonisha1821

I really don't see how this could have been turned into a big deal. It's literally just jam. It's not like you asked her to rearrange the entire house. It's 4 jars of jam.

dakotababy

Athijade wrote: »

Yes it was a bit out of line in my opinion. It is her home. Plus, you will deal with temptation day in and day out. Honestly, when you are staying in the home of another person, you don't ask that sort of thing and you just deal with it.

Typically I would agree, except in this case - the person is OPs mom. Mom should care enough about her daughters health and wellness to make the slight adjustment to her kitchen to help out her own child.

RiseHigher

^^^That's what I'm saying Tanisha, didn't think it would be such a thing. I'll ask her about it directly in the morning. But she's also the type who will say, "No, it didn't bother me, " when it did.

But she could also be frustrated with the situation in general. She has said before about me dealing with this that it's sometimes as hard to be a person watching your loved one suffer from something as it is for the person going through it.

SLLRunner

Athijade wrote: »

Yes it was a bit out of line in my opinion. It is her home. Plus, you will deal with temptation day in and day out. Honestly, when you are staying in the home of another person, you don't ask that sort of thing and you just deal with it.

I agree.

OP, temptations are all around you. While you choose not to have tempting foods in you house, you must allow mom to have the food wherever she chooses in her home. This is a good way to strengthen your willpower.

By the way, I used to do the same things-not have tempting food in my house and expect others to bend to my needs to not have tempting food around me. I strengthened my willpower by learning to just walk by the temptation while realizing it's all just food and I can choose to eat or not, and then I learned to eat all those same foods in moderation. It's been very freeing for me to just allow others to deal with food as they choose.

choppie70

I most likely would not even asked my mom to alter the way she does things just for me. I have ADD and OCD, but I don't ask people to straighten the rug that is a bit off center because it is literally making my insides churn.

Christine_72

Not to mention, My mums home will always be mine and my brother and sisters. Like someone else mentioned, it's a second home. We're not "guests" when we stay there

SLLRunner

dakotababy wrote: »

Athijade wrote: »

Yes it was a bit out of line in my opinion. It is her home. Plus, you will deal with temptation day in and day out. Honestly, when you are staying in the home of another person, you don't ask that sort of thing and you just deal with it.

Typically I would agree, except in this case - the person is OPs mom. Mom should care enough about her daughters health and wellness to make the slight adjustment to her kitchen to help out her own child.

But, it's just all food, and its a stretch saying mom not moving the food means she does not care about daughter's health. We are all responsible for the food we put in our mouths, medical issues or not.

kissedbythesunshine

I think it was unreasonable of you to ask. I went through this same situation with my husband continuing to buy all kinds of cookies, cakes, chips etc into the house. I realized it was unfair for me to have him alter his life because I want to lose weight. Solution...I learned to ignore the foods. They don't even bother me anymore. I'm guessing you will be able to do the same.