Was this an out of line question?
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It has little to do with the candy and more to do with the attitude that you have a right to rearrange your dad's things. Why? Because you're his darling little girl?
Let your dad arrange his home the way he wants. Unless....you'd be fine with it if he came into your home and hid things?0 -
christinev297 wrote: »Not to mention, My mums home will always be mine and my brother and sisters. Like someone else mentioned, it's a second home. We're not "guests" when we stay there
My mother's house was a second home for me too.....to a point.
I had a key, I could show up unannounced (even if she wasn't home), let myself in, fix myself something to eat.
But hiding things? Rearranging things? No. The idea that I could make myself at home in my mother's house didn't change the fact that it was my mother's house and she could arrange it and live in it as she saw fit.
I am sooo curious to know how people who feel that it's OK to do that to their parents would react if their parents did it to them. I'm guessing there'd be a lot of "I'm an ADULT. This is MY HOME. You have NO RIGHT".
Well, that goes both ways.
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »Not to mention, My mums home will always be mine and my brother and sisters. Like someone else mentioned, it's a second home. We're not "guests" when we stay there
My mother's house was a second home for me too.....to a point.
I had a key, I could show up unannounced (even if she wasn't home), let myself in, fix myself something to eat.
But hiding things? Rearranging things? No. The idea that I could make myself at home in my mother's house didn't change the fact that it was my mother's house and she could arrange it and live in it as she saw fit.
I am sooo curious to know how people who feel that it's OK to do that to their parents would react if their parents did it to them. I'm guessing there'd be a lot of "I'm an ADULT. This is MY HOME. You have NO RIGHT".
Well, that goes both ways.
Mom rearranged my spices. I couldn't find a dang thing. Moved 'em back...
You're jumping right for the petulant child angle. That could swing both ways. Is Dad gonna die because his precious candy was moved into a cupboard for a few weeks?
I don't think the question was out of line. I don't know about the Mom getting upset. I'm human and could get upset about anything at any time for any reason. Sorry not sorry.
It's also the Mom's perogative to say no. Now the OP must figure out some other solution
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »Not to mention, My mums home will always be mine and my brother and sisters. Like someone else mentioned, it's a second home. We're not "guests" when we stay there
My mother's house was a second home for me too.....to a point.
I had a key, I could show up unannounced (even if she wasn't home), let myself in, fix myself something to eat.
But hiding things? Rearranging things? No. The idea that I could make myself at home in my mother's house didn't change the fact that it was my mother's house and she could arrange it and live in it as she saw fit.
I am sooo curious to know how people who feel that it's OK to do that to their parents would react if their parents did it to them. I'm guessing there'd be a lot of "I'm an ADULT. This is MY HOME. You have NO RIGHT".
Well, that goes both ways.
Mom rearranged my spices. I couldn't find a dang thing. Moved 'em back...
You're jumping right for the petulant child angle. That could swing both ways. Is Dad gonna die because his precious candy was moved into a cupboard for a few weeks?
And I'm sure you were really happy that mom rearranged your spices, and were hoping that she'd do it every time she came over, right?
No, dad isn't going to die because his "precious candy" was moved. But you're missing the point. IT'S HIS HOME. Why does anyone, even his kid, have the right to rearrange things.
What would your response be if she said, "My Dad INSISTS that I keep candy in my home for when he comes to visit"? Would it be something like, "It's your home, and if you don't want to keep candy around, you don't have to "?
Hmmmmm.....
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OP is in her 40s ...her mother has probably not had to adjust to her living there for a couple of decades
So she's a guest, but family
Guests, like fish, go off after 3 days0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »Not to mention, My mums home will always be mine and my brother and sisters. Like someone else mentioned, it's a second home. We're not "guests" when we stay there
My mother's house was a second home for me too.....to a point.
I had a key, I could show up unannounced (even if she wasn't home), let myself in, fix myself something to eat.
But hiding things? Rearranging things? No. The idea that I could make myself at home in my mother's house didn't change the fact that it was my mother's house and she could arrange it and live in it as she saw fit.
I am sooo curious to know how people who feel that it's OK to do that to their parents would react if their parents did it to them. I'm guessing there'd be a lot of "I'm an ADULT. This is MY HOME. You have NO RIGHT".
Well, that goes both ways.
Mom rearranged my spices. I couldn't find a dang thing. Moved 'em back...
You're jumping right for the petulant child angle. That could swing both ways. Is Dad gonna die because his precious candy was moved into a cupboard for a few weeks?
And I'm sure you were really happy that mom rearranged your spices, and were hoping that she'd do it every time she came over, right?
No, dad isn't going to die because his "precious candy" was moved. But you're missing the point. IT'S HIS HOME. Why does anyone, even his kid, have the right to rearrange things.
What would your response be if she said, "My Dad INSISTS that I keep candy in my home for when he comes to visit"? Would it be something like, "It's your home, and if you don't want to keep candy around, you don't have to "?
Hmmmmm.....
What are you on about? All the OP did was "ask" if the Mom could move the stuff. Where are all these demands coming from, and even repetitive ones? My Mom didn't even ask and it wasn't a big deal at all. I just couldn't find things for a minute and resolved that. Over all, I was happy she took time out of her life to spend some of it with me. A relative comes to visit and from some of you it's almost like this massive inconvenience. Don't worry, one day we'll all be dead and gone and you can have your candy exactly where you want it
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »Not to mention, My mums home will always be mine and my brother and sisters. Like someone else mentioned, it's a second home. We're not "guests" when we stay there
My mother's house was a second home for me too.....to a point.
I had a key, I could show up unannounced (even if she wasn't home), let myself in, fix myself something to eat.
But hiding things? Rearranging things? No. The idea that I could make myself at home in my mother's house didn't change the fact that it was my mother's house and she could arrange it and live in it as she saw fit.
I am sooo curious to know how people who feel that it's OK to do that to their parents would react if their parents did it to them. I'm guessing there'd be a lot of "I'm an ADULT. This is MY HOME. You have NO RIGHT".
Well, that goes both ways.
Mom rearranged my spices. I couldn't find a dang thing. Moved 'em back...
You're jumping right for the petulant child angle. That could swing both ways. Is Dad gonna die because his precious candy was moved into a cupboard for a few weeks?
And I'm sure you were really happy that mom rearranged your spices, and were hoping that she'd do it every time she came over, right?
No, dad isn't going to die because his "precious candy" was moved. But you're missing the point. IT'S HIS HOME. Why does anyone, even his kid, have the right to rearrange things.
What would your response be if she said, "My Dad INSISTS that I keep candy in my home for when he comes to visit"? Would it be something like, "It's your home, and if you don't want to keep candy around, you don't have to "?
Hmmmmm.....
What are you on about? All the OP did was "ask" if the Mom could move the stuff. Where are all these demands coming from, and even repetitive ones? My Mom didn't even ask and it wasn't a big deal at all. I just couldn't find things for a minute and resolved that. Over all, I was happy she took time out of her life to spend some of it with me. A relative comes to visit and from some of you it's almost like this massive inconvenience. Don't worry, one day we'll all be dead and gone and you can have your candy exactly where you want it
Umm....I'm clearly not referring to the OP here, but to the poster who goes into her dad's house and hides his candy. Cuz, you know. It's her right as his daughter to do that, apparently.
ETA: My mom and I were very close and spent a lot of time together, while I was living at home and after I moved out. Oddly, we were able to spend time together and enjoy each other without rearranging each other's belongings. I guess we hard a weird relationship.0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
Yes, this. Exactly.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »Not to mention, My mums home will always be mine and my brother and sisters. Like someone else mentioned, it's a second home. We're not "guests" when we stay there
My mother's house was a second home for me too.....to a point.
I had a key, I could show up unannounced (even if she wasn't home), let myself in, fix myself something to eat.
But hiding things? Rearranging things? No. The idea that I could make myself at home in my mother's house didn't change the fact that it was my mother's house and she could arrange it and live in it as she saw fit.
I am sooo curious to know how people who feel that it's OK to do that to their parents would react if their parents did it to them. I'm guessing there'd be a lot of "I'm an ADULT. This is MY HOME. You have NO RIGHT".
Well, that goes both ways.
Mom rearranged my spices. I couldn't find a dang thing. Moved 'em back...
You're jumping right for the petulant child angle. That could swing both ways. Is Dad gonna die because his precious candy was moved into a cupboard for a few weeks?
And I'm sure you were really happy that mom rearranged your spices, and were hoping that she'd do it every time she came over, right?
No, dad isn't going to die because his "precious candy" was moved. But you're missing the point. IT'S HIS HOME. Why does anyone, even his kid, have the right to rearrange things.
What would your response be if she said, "My Dad INSISTS that I keep candy in my home for when he comes to visit"? Would it be something like, "It's your home, and if you don't want to keep candy around, you don't have to "?
Hmmmmm.....
What are you on about? All the OP did was "ask" if the Mom could move the stuff. Where are all these demands coming from, and even repetitive ones? My Mom didn't even ask and it wasn't a big deal at all. I just couldn't find things for a minute and resolved that. Over all, I was happy she took time out of her life to spend some of it with me. A relative comes to visit and from some of you it's almost like this massive inconvenience. Don't worry, one day we'll all be dead and gone and you can have your candy exactly where you want it
Umm....I'm clearly not referring to the OP here, but to the poster who goes into her dad's house and hides his candy. Cuz, you know. It's her right as his daughter to do that, apparently.
Lol, I move stuff around at my in laws all the time. Every time we go over. They don't make a big deal about it!!!
(because I have a two year old and we'd all love for him not to get cut on broken glass or choke to death on small things)
Yeah. There are acceptable ways to behave in the homes of relatives and then there's hiding candy without a word...0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
I don't completely disagree with the self control thing. But, some people do better when they don't have to practice it all the time and can manipulate their environment so that temptation isn't constant. A lot of people do this. OP isn't visiting for a few days. I thought it was an extended stay. I see nothing wrong with asking, as long as it was respectful.
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CoffeeNCardio wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »Not to mention, My mums home will always be mine and my brother and sisters. Like someone else mentioned, it's a second home. We're not "guests" when we stay there
My mother's house was a second home for me too.....to a point.
I had a key, I could show up unannounced (even if she wasn't home), let myself in, fix myself something to eat.
But hiding things? Rearranging things? No. The idea that I could make myself at home in my mother's house didn't change the fact that it was my mother's house and she could arrange it and live in it as she saw fit.
I am sooo curious to know how people who feel that it's OK to do that to their parents would react if their parents did it to them. I'm guessing there'd be a lot of "I'm an ADULT. This is MY HOME. You have NO RIGHT".
Well, that goes both ways.
Mom rearranged my spices. I couldn't find a dang thing. Moved 'em back...
You're jumping right for the petulant child angle. That could swing both ways. Is Dad gonna die because his precious candy was moved into a cupboard for a few weeks?
And I'm sure you were really happy that mom rearranged your spices, and were hoping that she'd do it every time she came over, right?
No, dad isn't going to die because his "precious candy" was moved. But you're missing the point. IT'S HIS HOME. Why does anyone, even his kid, have the right to rearrange things.
What would your response be if she said, "My Dad INSISTS that I keep candy in my home for when he comes to visit"? Would it be something like, "It's your home, and if you don't want to keep candy around, you don't have to "?
Hmmmmm.....
What are you on about? All the OP did was "ask" if the Mom could move the stuff. Where are all these demands coming from, and even repetitive ones? My Mom didn't even ask and it wasn't a big deal at all. I just couldn't find things for a minute and resolved that. Over all, I was happy she took time out of her life to spend some of it with me. A relative comes to visit and from some of you it's almost like this massive inconvenience. Don't worry, one day we'll all be dead and gone and you can have your candy exactly where you want it
Umm....I'm clearly not referring to the OP here, but to the poster who goes into her dad's house and hides his candy. Cuz, you know. It's her right as his daughter to do that, apparently.
Lol, I move stuff around at my in laws all the time. Every time we go over. They don't make a big deal about it!!!
(because I have a two year old and we'd all love for him not to get cut on broken glass or choke to death on small things)
Yeah. There are acceptable ways to behave in the homes of relatives and then there's hiding candy without a word...
Haha yup. Honestly booksandchoc, I did think you were referring to the OP as well, since rearranging things was also mentioned. I provided an example of my Mom moving my stuff (without telling me, to be clear) and no cows were had! And if I were to stereotype men for a minute, the Dad probably didn't even notice his candy had been moved. Just a random, possibly ignorant guess!!!
Someone earlier mentioned part of it could be cultural. Another take on this doesn't necessarily have to do with taking offense to things. It's just, when you're used to extended family either living in the same house or visiting for such an extended basis (complete their studies, etc), you're already used to them being a part of your household, and the idea of hey you can have a comfortable room in my house but no this table is off limits - in some cases it does not even compute. And when said person comes back after being away for so long, I'm not saying it's necessarily all rainbows and sunshine, but this sort of thing ain't really that high on the list. All that said, if I could tell I was offending my host with certain behavior, definitely quit it. It's their house. I'm just answering things from the host perspective
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »The issue really isn't, "Jeez, it's just jam; what mother wouldn't move a jar of jam for her daughter".
It's more about how the OP can't control herself around a few jars of jam. How is she going to function outside her mother's home, where the food temptations are myriad and thrown at you often?
The issue is exactly what the OP originally asked about, which was not "How do I function around jam," but "Here's a thing that is affecting me right now, I tried to resolve it and my mother got upset, was I being unreasonable?" We have zero information about how the OP copes with jam, or any other sort of food, outside her mother's house. If her avatar photo is current, I think it's safe to say that she functions as well as anyone else and better than many. She's not obese or even overweight, so the odds seem pretty good that she's not losing control of herself every time she sees food she wants. I think there's a lot of projection going on here on that front.
So yes, when you put it in the context of the original post, it's just jam, and what mother wouldn't move a jar of jam for her daughter? The answer appears to be "The type of mother who invests food with huge amounts of surplus meaning around autonomy and control and all sorts of other things that food should frankly not be associated with."
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I live with both of my grown children and my 72-year-old mother. First rule of survival: lighten UP. Just because your mom wants to leave the jam out doesn't mean she's going to chase you around with a spoonful and shove it down your throat.0
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I don't think the request was out of line, but neither am I surprised at the mother's response. My mother always kept pastries out on the counter. I can guarantee you, if I had asked her to put them elsewhere so I would not be tempted, she would have told me to get over it. In my case, it would be more about mum's expectations of me than inconvenience to her. Perhaps OP's mother is also concerned that her daughter needs to develop the willpower to resist temptation so she can function more comfortably in the outside world.0
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Sorry but if i walk into my dads house and he has candy lying around and i do not want to see it i will stash it and not even tell him i did it till i am getting ready to leave. It is your parent they'll live.
agreed... i also have a very awesome relationship with my mom if she left a cake out and i put it away and said "i cant see the cake il eat it" shed be like cool! and she probably wouldnt even ask if she saw it moved anyway.. man this thread is making me even more appreciative of my amazing giving caring understanding easy going mom. By the way i own a house and would not care if a stranger said please hide the candy. and ALSO everyone saying "self control" if it were that easy then none of us would have ever gotten over weigt thus this site wouldnt exist.0 -
Larissa_NY wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »The issue really isn't, "Jeez, it's just jam; what mother wouldn't move a jar of jam for her daughter".
It's more about how the OP can't control herself around a few jars of jam. How is she going to function outside her mother's home, where the food temptations are myriad and thrown at you often?
The issue is exactly what the OP originally asked about, which was not "How do I function around jam," but "Here's a thing that is affecting me right now, I tried to resolve it and my mother got upset, was I being unreasonable?" We have zero information about how the OP copes with jam, or any other sort of food, outside her mother's house. If her avatar photo is current, I think it's safe to say that she functions as well as anyone else and better than many. She's not obese or even overweight, so the odds seem pretty good that she's not losing control of herself every time she sees food she wants. I think there's a lot of projection going on here on that front.
So yes, when you put it in the context of the original post, it's just jam, and what mother wouldn't move a jar of jam for her daughter? The answer appears to be "The type of mother who invests food with huge amounts of surplus meaning around autonomy and control and all sorts of other things that food should frankly not be associated with."
In my opinion, there is no projection going on here. If you believe there is, can you please be more specific?0 -
CoffeeNCardio wrote: »If it went down like you said it did, then no I don't think that was out of line. My mother would do it for me. I would do it for my son. Hell, I'd do it for my friends and acquaintances too. But I also believe we're not getting the full story here. Much as I'd love to believe everyone is quirky and nuts like me, the reality is that if your mom was upset, there is probably something else at work.......unless she has some sort of unhealthy obsession with the placement of jam, in which case you got bigger problems girl.
Agreed.0
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