Was this an out of line question?
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RiseHigher wrote: »
I asked her if we could just put the jam somewhere out of sight because if I eat off this is usually what it is. Seriously, if I don't see it, I won't eat it. I know that may not make sense to some but that's just how I am. When I live on my own I just don't bring off-type foods into my house.
She seemed greatly put off by this. Was I out of line in asking? If I can't manage the symptoms well enough I'm going to have to move sooner than later perhaps but I am just trying to get by for now until I can get my certifications completed for my next job.
I don't think it is unreasonable to ask if you can put the jam in the cupboard or something but it depends on the tone and why your mom keeps jam there. I would ask her why she puts the jam out or why 4 kinds every day.
It is her house though and if she prefers all her jam to sit on the counter all day you kind of have to practice some control. Maybe you can agree to put a towel over it so it is on the counter in her accustomed spot but you don't see it? Or get some sugar free jam or something you are okay with munching to put out on the counter too?
Chew some gum and keep walking by.
I like putting food away except fruit so it would kind of bug me to see it too but I'd deal with it in someone else's house.0 -
I probably would put it away and not say anything, but I would think it. My son is an adult and when he visits, he is definitely a guest. A beloved guest, of course.....:)0
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It was a little out of line. You're a guest in her home, so it's not really a good idea to suggest she start changing things for you.
I get why you'd ask and if she's throwing a fit about it, something else is up. Kids tend to think everything is about them and naturally assume that parents exist to do things for the kid, like "This is a problem for me, so of course my mom should change everything around to make it easier for me!" without ever considering that they're making things harder for mom or that mom might like doing things her way. Your mom should know that because she's a mom! Years of practice!
Treat your mom as you'd treat anyone else who took you in and allowed you to live in their house for free. It will get easier!
Do you have problems with your kids?
Seriously. This seems really harsh, and like my parents- like after I had surgery I was being selfish by being in bed like the doctor ordered.0 -
I'm sorry that your parents weren't nice to you when you were recovering, but your issue is with them, not me.It was a little out of line. You're a guest in her home, so it's not really a good idea to suggest she start changing things for you.
I get why you'd ask and if she's throwing a fit about it, something else is up. Kids tend to think everything is about them and naturally assume that parents exist to do things for the kid, like "This is a problem for me, so of course my mom should change everything around to make it easier for me!" without ever considering that they're making things harder for mom or that mom might like doing things her way. Your mom should know that because she's a mom! Years of practice!
Treat your mom as you'd treat anyone else who took you in and allowed you to live in their house for free. It will get easier!
Do you have problems with your kids?
Seriously. This seems really harsh, and like my parents- like after I had surgery I was being selfish by being in bed like the doctor ordered.
No, I don't have any trouble with my son. The only problem I have is getting him to come to Florida in the summer. Not sure what his problem is. Seem to recall something about it being "hellahot", whatever that is, but at least he comes in the winter.
It's not really about me or you, though. It's about the OP and her mom. Some people have warm, welcoming families, where Mom & Dad's house is always home. Other people are different and maintain a distance, especially if there are relationship issues.
We don't know the story or the history. I gave the best advice I have. I encourage you to do the same.
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When my adult daughter stayed with us at one point she asked if we might turn up the thermostat a little? I told her to put on a sweater.
She did not have the background. I'd been watching my husband for several years through our dating period and he obsesses over that thermostat. He's a walking polar bear. I knew from the start that the thermostat would be out of bounds.
@risehigher you might try an index card you can hold up when you pass the kitchen counter. Block the view. It might sound silly but it might be worth a try.0 -
I understand why you don't want to see the jam.0
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Lmao uh no you weren't out of line.
Do you know what my Mom did for me living together to support my journey?
Of course we butted heads at first because its Moms house and Moms ways..
But she supported it no matter what.
I'm the same way with bringing certain foods into my house, and Moms alllllways have and bring the best/ worst foods ever Lol.
Don't think too much about it honey.
I don't think it was out of line Lol.0 -
If it went down like you said it did, then no I don't think that was out of line. My mother would do it for me. I would do it for my son. Hell, I'd do it for my friends and acquaintances too. But I also believe we're not getting the full story here. Much as I'd love to believe everyone is quirky and nuts like me, the reality is that if your mom was upset, there is probably something else at work.......unless she has some sort of unhealthy obsession with the placement of jam, in which case you got bigger problems girl.0
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i get why everyone is on your moms side, because her house and all that... buuuut. My mom is the type of mom who would have no issue accommodating me if i had an issue with something like that. If i were working on my health and my mom had a trigger food on the counter and i asked her to keep it out of my sight she would have no issue. Not sure if i have a special kind of mom but yea i dont get why its rude.0
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CoffeeNCardio wrote: »If it went down like you said it did, then no I don't think that was out of line. My mother would do it for me. I would do it for my son. Hell, I'd do it for my friends and acquaintances too. But I also believe we're not getting the full story here. Much as I'd love to believe everyone is quirky and nuts like me, the reality is that if your mom was upset, there is probably something else at work.......unless she has some sort of unhealthy obsession with the placement of jam, in which case you got bigger problems girl.
Note that when I say something else, I'm leaving that wide open. For all anyone knows, her upsetness could have had nothing to do with you and something to do with a nasty comment from the mailman earlier that day. So I'm not implying it was a "you asked wrong thing" either. It could be anything.0 -
I don't get how anyone can say it was out of line to ask. It is perfectly acceptable to ask someone, even a person whose house you are a guest in (let alone a parent) if they can move something. Asking, however, is different from demanding. It is the original poster's (OP) mom's house. The mom has final say. But there is absolutely nothing wrong for the OP to ask the mom if she can move something. Asking and demanding are not the same.
OP, sit down with your mom and try to work it out. If she is letting you live with her, she will likely be amenable to minor inconveniences. I mean having you in her house is much more of a burden than moving a few things around. If she says no, you will have to figure out how you want to deal with the cravings (i.e. move out or figure out some other way to manage the cravings or putting your weight loss goals on hold). Good luck.0 -
If I had a child, I would want to do anything to make him/her happy - for me, I never get annoyed if someone asks me to stop doing something...let alone if it was my child.
However, one could ask rudely, or one could ask nicely. Sometimes we get frustrated and ask a bit less nice then we would have liked. Maybe it's just the way my mother raised me, but if someone asked me that question (my child or not my child), I would have replied with a "of course honey"!
I think it also depends on the culture. I think North Americans get very offended very easily and are always worrying about being "politically correct" and being polite; a stepping on egg shells sort of mentality. So you're going to get a lot of varied answers - because it honestly depends on how your own mother is.0 -
If I had a child, I would want to do anything to make him/her happy - for me, I never get annoyed if someone asks me to stop doing something...let alone if it was my child.
However, one could ask rudely, or one could ask nicely. Sometimes we get frustrated and ask a bit less nice then we would have liked. Maybe it's just the way my mother raised me, but if someone asked me that question (my child or not my child), I would have replied with a "of course honey"!
I think it also depends on the culture. I think North Americans get very offended very easily and are always worrying about being "politically correct" and being polite; a stepping on egg shells sort of mentality. So you're going to get a lot of varied answers - because it honestly depends on how your own mother is.
That's odd, Europeans accuse us of being overly friendly and unconscious of how impolite we are...0 -
So what are you doing to treat your SAD? CBT, light, anti-D? Because that's the issue not your mothers reaction to your request0
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OP is this you in the photo? If yes, I am guessing your mother does not consider it reasonable for you to try to lose more weight?0
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To really answer this question i think we would really have to know the whole story and what was said.
I actually dont think the request is a big deal, depending on how you asked. If your mum said no then its her house nothing you can do about it.0 -
herI'd be on your mom's side. It's her house, she's allowed to put food wherever she likes.
It's not like she's leaving it out with a note saying "eat me", is it?
YOU need to control what YOU eat. I understand cravings can be really strong, so I'm going to say, if you know the food is there and there's an open invitation to eat it (I'd hope there is), and you know you will eat it, then pre-log it and fit it into your day. Don't let cravings control you. You control the cravings.
So if your child asked you to put a jar away , out her sight you'd tell her no it's my house? You wouldn't help her out and do that little simple favour for her knowing it's important to her?
I don't see the big deal at all.
And, isn't a parents house suppose to be like a second home, not for you to take over but people are acting like she's staying at a distant cousins house or something.
Unless you gave her attitude about it OP I don't see why she would be taken back.
i kinda agree with this, but we do need to know the full history and story
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azulvioleta6 wrote: »Perfectly appropriate question, but ultimately, you are in charge of your self control.
Winter has just barely started...I think that you need to stop using this as an excuse ASAP.
This I think is the bigger problem here. No, I do not think the request was unreasonable nor do I think her answer was unreasonable because it is her house. But the fact that you're blaming SAD on your supposed lack of control is setting you up for failure. I can understand how difficult it can be because I have also been diagnosed with SAD as well as bipolar, and depression since I was 9, but not once did it cross my mind to blame these things for gaining weight. You will never escape temptation. Consider biscuits with jam to be a "pretest" for the rest of your life. And who says you can't enjoy one in moderation? It appears that you more need to take a step back and really reevaluate how you are going to successfully tackle temptation because "out of sight, out of mind" just isn't always a plausible option. I wish you the best, especially with winter slowly creeping up.
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I think whether or not you were out of line depends on the relationship you have with your mother. My mother tends to be quite melodramatic, but we also have a very good and open relationship. I could very easily ask my mum to put the stuff out of sight if I was really struggling, and she would do it. But, she would make a big production out of it. I'd thank her profusely, tell her she was the best mum in the world, and then she'd beam. We're 42 and 66. It may be a bit messed up, but it works for us.
I am aghast that you need to spend two hours a day under your happy light. I have to spend 45 minutes under mine, first thing in the morning, and it drives me nuts. I know how badly SAD effects me, and I can only assume that the length of time you spend under your light is an indication that your symptoms are much worse than mine. It takes the happy light and high doses of vitamin D to make me even remotely human. Even then, motivation and will power are low.
I start to plummet mid-September here in Calgary. I start to perk up again at the beginning of March.0 -
This seems so weird to me, if my DD1 was staying over and wanted something out of sight she would just move it. This didn't stop being her home when she moved out.
I guess it is down to different relationships.0 -
Doesn't really matter what others think. They don't own the house. As between someone who owns the house and is providing a place to live and someone whose free will is overpowered by a jar of jam, it's not a tough choice for me, though.0
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DeguelloTex wrote: »Doesn't really matter what others think. They don't own the house. As between someone who owns the house and is providing a place to live and someone whose free will is overpowered by a jar of jam, it's not a tough choice for me, though.
You. I like you!0 -
OP, talk to your mother. I'd guess she made the stuff for you and might be upset that you don't even want to see them. Or something. I know that there'll be temptations everywhere but let's face it, some of us are better at ignoring them than others.
And no, I really don't see the big deal in asking your mom to put that stuff out of sight.0 -
The issue really isn't, "Jeez, it's just jam; what mother wouldn't move a jar of jam for her daughter".
It's more about how the OP can't control herself around a few jars of jam. How is she going to function outside her mother's home, where the food temptations are myriad and thrown at you often?
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »The issue really isn't, "Jeez, it's just jam; what mother wouldn't move a jar of jam for her daughter".
It's more about how the OP can't control herself around a few jars of jam. How is she going to function outside her mother's home, where the food temptations are myriad and thrown at you often?
Absolutely.
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OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible when you have a diagnosed condition with legitimate symptoms and those that are supposed to love you unconditionally don't show that they should. Maybe you could toss a tea towel over the jars just to create the tiniest of mental barriers between you and your craving.
Good luck!0 -
Sorry but if i walk into my dads house and he has candy lying around and i do not want to see it i will stash it and not even tell him i did it till i am getting ready to leave. It is your parent they'll live.0
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One could also argue that you'll live if you're in the same room with a bowl of candy in front of you.
I love people who think that their parents have to do everything the way THEY want to accommodate THEM.
Grow up, already. You're an adult. Stop acting like a petulant child.
"Daddy! Hide the candy NOW!!! I don't want to see it! It hurts me!!!"
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Not stashing candy does not an adult make. Please0
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