Celibacy for a set amount of time
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Well put that way.... Maybe. But ladies don't kiss and tell.... So if your out there getting yours..... Don't post it!! Lol...0
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lilkimi525 wrote: »Well put that way.... Maybe. But ladies don't kiss and tell.... So if your out there getting yours..... Don't post it!! Lol...
LMAO!0 -
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Suffice to say for me, I think the character of people is defined more in the humbleness of things they sacrifice and give up than the pride of what they readily take or have available to them. It is not about what is right and wrong or morality for me.0
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Ohhh benny.......you know how this is going to end right ???
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I am actually in a state of self-imposed celibacy presently.
It is difficult...nearly every day I think about unhiding my online dating account and starting all over again.
But I always have to remember why I decided to not do that in the first place.
I have so much more time for myself now. I go hiking, running, and hang out with friends instead. I am making a better situation for me in the long run and I am still able to work off some of the adrenaline at the same time.
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slimgirljo15 wrote: »Ohhh benny.......you know how this is going to end right ???
I sent you a message0 -
Brandisnaps wrote: »MalcolmX1983 wrote: »
I think I am just needing to reset myself. Empty sex isn't doing it for me anymore. I'm definitely tired of sharing and lack of connections.Thinking I might try this to clear my head. Any high sex drive people in here ever voluntarily go celibate for any significant amount of time (6 months-1yr)? And I mean voluntarily because you have a few options, not just some awkward FA, deployed, never tries or a person that is scared of rejection.
If so how did you not become angry and mean during that period?
Your thoughts gents and lasses?
You are 40...Well im 45 and its truly just a number..its hard to believe you have an issue with self esteem or even self worth...but if you TRULY want to do this, you need to do this for you...
Sex is nature....If you're used to it and its taken away. .even if by your own call...Your going to go through the emotions of Iose...that might sound stupid but look at all the comments....I'd go mad (anger) I failed (denial) I did_____ (acceptance).....
Think about WHY you want to be celibate....I dont know your stand on sex....
Are you love thy neighbor..and that neighbor and that neighbor. ....Or just feeling your getting to the point you want to be more selective in a partner. ..whether they are firvthe present or the future. .....
Dont worry about your age....4o is the new 3o...
The why? I have been very loose about who I slept with, as long as she was attractive I've went for it. My body has afforded me many extra opportunities to be with women for the short term. Now I'm tired of short term fb and realized that I can't find someone that I even remotely know that would actually take a chance and date me. I thought I would throw the celibacy idea out and get some feedback. I don't really have a lot of self-control unless I am committed to someone. I made this mess of my life with sex, it's bad enough I can't even get the friend part of a fwb. I was questioning if I messed everything up with sex, maybe no sex is the answer (temporarily at least). It's not something I want to do; I'm scared no one would even want me for a fb if I cut sex out, and I'm worried that I will never meet someone that I actually connect with on every level if I continue having empty meaningless sex
First off....You seem to think who YOU are revolves around sex....That's just part of the man. .You obviously are more or you wouldn't care....
If you were known as a use them and leave them kind of guy....Well the RIGHT one is going to be scared she's just a means to an end....
You need to work on self control...Do it for yourself. ..your self worth is shot in that department....shouldn't need to be attached to control yourself. ...
Maybe you need to think of why you do that...Im sure it feels great to be admired and so forth...I never had that problem so I cant relate...but I do know that I didn't like myself for a long time and I changed that....
Listen I dont know you but you reached out and I'm a great listener and I speak from the heart....
If you keep having empty meaningless sex...you aren't going to attract your forever....
Your right now. .absolutely but you seem to be getting tired of that menu......
I'm 32, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, you're in your shoes.
Being celibate might help or it might not,
I do think stopping this empty sex with different girls is a step in the right direction.
Take some time out bro, learn about yourself.
Find out who you are, sex is just a tiny part of life.
A woman should enhance your life, not fill a missing gap.
Why not do some travelling?
Write a bucket list and start ticking them off
Achievements and ambitions list.
There's a whole lot to you than just sex and women.
I definitely agree, the sex in a relationship is a million times better than random hookups.
For starters, there are no nagging guilty feelings afterwards, nor does it leave you feeling empty the morning after.
I agree with the poster above, if you're going to engage in this sorta behaviour, you'll keep on attracting those sort of women.
It's just the nature of the game.
Don't sell yourself short man, there are plenty of women who'll say that you are "relationship material" (wtf does this even mean though?), it's just going to be harder to find them, if you're sleeping with a bunch of different girls every other night.
Cliffs:
Time out
Stop the sex
Learn about self
Improve self.
Live life
Woman adds to life not fills missing gap.
Love this, thanks for the reply bro!
i agree with this.. plus your more likely to find someone who you can enjoy a relationship with when your not looking and just getting on with life and enjoying it. Dont do the celibacy thing though.. i dont see the point in setting a time to not have sex with anyone.. i believe in try before you buy ..so if its the right person then go for it.
Completely agree. I just don't have any right ones on the radar0 -
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mskessler89 wrote: »Reading through this thread, a couple of things struck me:
1) You keep going out and drinking, then going home with someone. This WHOLE area of your life, the drinking included, is keeping you from pursuits that could build your character and make your life feel less empty. Spend your time volunteering instead of in bars, or devote it to learning a new language or instrument, or take a night/online class on something you always wanted to know more about. Not at all judging you for the drinking, I do it too, but it sounds like you're unhappy with yourself right now and need to take a big step in a different direction.
My drinking is purely social, I have never needed to drink and don't do it unless the crowd I am with does.
2) You keep stressing about there not being opportunities in the future. My parents divorced at 57, and my dad spent 2 months wallowing before he got out there and started dating like crazy. My dad is not an attractive man, and I never really thought he had game, but he had no problem meeting women and having fun with them. Now, at 60, he's moved in with a girlfriend he loves and is very serious about. You're much younger and definitely more attractive. Are you worried about the random girls you might miss out on sleeping with if you give up sex for 6 months? They're not making you happy right now anyway, so you won't be missing anything.
I'm glad you wrote this, I needed to hear these type of answers
3) IMO, the issue for you is the empty sex, and I don't think giving up alone time with yourself would be required. Don't let yourself get overly *frustrated*, but don't keep putting yourself in situations that cause all the drama and unhappiness.
Well put, and you are definitely right on #30 -
Brandisnaps wrote: »Brandisnaps wrote: »MalcolmX1983 wrote: »
I think I am just needing to reset myself. Empty sex isn't doing it for me anymore. I'm definitely tired of sharing and lack of connections.Thinking I might try this to clear my head. Any high sex drive people in here ever voluntarily go celibate for any significant amount of time (6 months-1yr)? And I mean voluntarily because you have a few options, not just some awkward FA, deployed, never tries or a person that is scared of rejection.
If so how did you not become angry and mean during that period?
Your thoughts gents and lasses?
You are 40...Well im 45 and its truly just a number..its hard to believe you have an issue with self esteem or even self worth...but if you TRULY want to do this, you need to do this for you...
Sex is nature....If you're used to it and its taken away. .even if by your own call...Your going to go through the emotions of Iose...that might sound stupid but look at all the comments....I'd go mad (anger) I failed (denial) I did_____ (acceptance).....
Think about WHY you want to be celibate....I dont know your stand on sex....
Are you love thy neighbor..and that neighbor and that neighbor. ....Or just feeling your getting to the point you want to be more selective in a partner. ..whether they are firvthe present or the future. .....
Dont worry about your age....4o is the new 3o...
The why? I have been very loose about who I slept with, as long as she was attractive I've went for it. My body has afforded me many extra opportunities to be with women for the short term. Now I'm tired of short term fb and realized that I can't find someone that I even remotely know that would actually take a chance and date me. I thought I would throw the celibacy idea out and get some feedback. I don't really have a lot of self-control unless I am committed to someone. I made this mess of my life with sex, it's bad enough I can't even get the friend part of a fwb. I was questioning if I messed everything up with sex, maybe no sex is the answer (temporarily at least). It's not something I want to do; I'm scared no one would even want me for a fb if I cut sex out, and I'm worried that I will never meet someone that I actually connect with on every level if I continue having empty meaningless sex
First off....You seem to think who YOU are revolves around sex....That's just part of the man. .You obviously are more or you wouldn't care....
If you were known as a use them and leave them kind of guy....Well the RIGHT one is going to be scared she's just a means to an end....
You need to work on self control...Do it for yourself. ..your self worth is shot in that department....shouldn't need to be attached to control yourself. ...
Maybe you need to think of why you do that...Im sure it feels great to be admired and so forth...I never had that problem so I cant relate...but I do know that I didn't like myself for a long time and I changed that....
Listen I dont know you but you reached out and I'm a great listener and I speak from the heart....
If you keep having empty meaningless sex...you aren't going to attract your forever....
Your right now. .absolutely but you seem to be getting tired of that menu......
I'm 32, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, you're in your shoes.
Being celibate might help or it might not,
I do think stopping this empty sex with different girls is a step in the right direction.
Take some time out bro, learn about yourself.
Find out who you are, sex is just a tiny part of life.
A woman should enhance your life, not fill a missing gap.
Why not do some travelling?
Write a bucket list and start ticking them off
Achievements and ambitions list.
There's a whole lot to you than just sex and women.
I definitely agree, the sex in a relationship is a million times better than random hookups.
For starters, there are no nagging guilty feelings afterwards, nor does it leave you feeling empty the morning after.
I agree with the poster above, if you're going to engage in this sorta behaviour, you'll keep on attracting those sort of women.
It's just the nature of the game.
Don't sell yourself short man, there are plenty of women who'll say that you are "relationship material" (wtf does this even mean though?), it's just going to be harder to find them, if you're sleeping with a bunch of different girls every other night.
Cliffs:
Time out
Stop the sex
Learn about self
Improve self.
Live life
Woman adds to life not fills missing gap.
Love this, thanks for the reply bro!
i agree with this.. plus your more likely to find someone who you can enjoy a relationship with when your not looking and just getting on with life and enjoying it. Dont do the celibacy thing though.. i dont see the point in setting a time to not have sex with anyone.. i believe in try before you buy ..so if its the right person then go for it.
Completely agree. I just don't have any right ones on the radar
You dont need anyone to be on the radar .. stop looking ..put the blinkers on ..someone will stand out from the crowd eventually
Hope you are right, I'm losing faith in the process0 -
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Is this real life?
Seriously though, I'd choke the piss out of my husband and he knows this. Obviously since I'm married that changes things. I suppose if I were single at this age then I'd have a different view on it. I also have kids so there would be zero parading of men or women in and out of my life and my home.0 -
lilkimi525 wrote: »Well... I see we all have our different opinions which is necessary. But as for me.... I don't want to give it up! It doesn't reflect my character.. Or decide the woman I choose to be. It simply brings me joy and pleasure! That's all.... Why must people peg woman as sluts if the like sex?? That's a double standard.
Unfortunately people assume that if you are a woman and you like sex....Then you have had sex with many...You can have sex with the same person forever....they wouldn't know but wouldn't care either....
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I think I am just needing to reset myself. Empty sex isn't doing it for me anymore. I'm definitely tired of sharing and lack of connections.Thinking I might try this to clear my head. Any high sex drive people in here ever voluntarily go celibate for any significant amount of time (6 months-1yr)? And I mean voluntarily because you have a few options, not just some awkward FA, deployed, never tries or a person that is scared of rejection.
If so how did you not become angry and mean during that period?
Your thoughts gents and lasses?
First off....You seem to think who YOU are revolves around sex....That's just part of the man. .You obviously are more or you wouldn't care....
If you were known as a use them and leave them kind of guy....Well the RIGHT one is going to be scared she's just a means to an end....
You need to work on self control...Do it for yourself. ..your self worth is shot in that department....shouldn't need to be attached to control yourself. ...
Maybe you need to think of why you do that...Im sure it feels great to be admired and so forth...I never had that problem so I cant relate...but I do know that I didn't like myself for a long time and I changed that....
Listen I dont know you but you reached out and I'm a great listener and I speak from the heart....
If you keep having empty meaningless sex...you aren't going to attract your forever....
Your right now. .absolutely but you seem to be getting tired of that menu......
You are getting a lot of useful information....What you chose to do with this is your decision....I might be simple but just do it...You want to stop bed hoping...Then stop....
You don't want empty sex - Don't have it....
Unless you have a real health issue aka imbalance of some sort....then do it....
I don't like horrible burns....You will get one if you touch fire....I wouldn't put my hand in a flame...the end...
Sleeping around??....
Like the adrenaline rush at the moment......having fun....answers to no one but themselves.....were hurt before so this is safer.....Have a lot of self confidence.....Have no self confidence.....Simple they like it....
Makes NO difference...Everyone has their own reasons and that is personal to them...
But if you run around and have casual sex for years....It will become a part of you....Might not notice it but one day you will reflect....
Only you can finish that sentence....0 -
It doesn't show anything @tophermom0
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It doesn't show anything @tophermom
..have to click on show previous quotes....I am really long winded...Sorry...
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My drinking is purely social, I have never needed to drink and don't do it unless the crowd I am with does.mskessler89 wrote: »Reading through this thread, a couple of things struck me:
1) You keep going out and drinking, then going home with someone. This WHOLE area of your life, the drinking included, is keeping you from pursuits that could build your character and make your life feel less empty. Spend your time volunteering instead of in bars, or devote it to learning a new language or instrument, or take a night/online class on something you always wanted to know more about. Not at all judging you for the drinking, I do it too, but it sounds like you're unhappy with yourself right now and need to take a big step in a different direction.
Fair enough, and I didn't assume you didn't have it under control. Just that it seemed to be a contributing factor to the hookups, and if you're looking for a life with more... meaning? fulfillment? sense of self? you might spend time on activities that help others or develop one of your interests instead of keeping you in your current rut. If going to a bar is usually spent catching up with friends and doesn't tend to lead to hookups, then keep hanging out with your friends. Friends are important.
Curious... In your ideal world, what would your life be like in a year? We cut and bulk and lift and track our food on here because we've got goals for our bodies and that's what it takes to get there. What's your life/relationship goal, and what will it take to get there?
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I have been celibate since my (now) ex walked out on me. So just shy of three years now with the separation and divorce and the year since that was final...
Cannot say it is fully voluntary. As a single, working father with full custody I do not exactly have a ton of time on my hands to go out looking. Even if I did, I am a horribly introverted person and, not going to lie, have a damn near crippling self-confidence problem (10+ years in an abusive marriage will do that to you, though I was not exactly Johnny Partygoer before I got married). Hell... If we are throwing all our cards on the table, I am not even sure I know what a "healthy sexual relationship" is at this point which is another thing holding me back from even trying to put myself out there.
As far as what I do to keep sane... Pretty obvious that I develop an inferiority complex LOL. I also bake. A LOT!! Thankfully my coworkers eat everything I make so I do not have to worry about destructively eating myself to death0 -
mskessler89 wrote: »
My drinking is purely social, I have never needed to drink and don't do it unless the crowd I am with does.mskessler89 wrote: »Reading through this thread, a couple of things struck me:
1) You keep going out and drinking, then going home with someone. This WHOLE area of your life, the drinking included, is keeping you from pursuits that could build your character and make your life feel less empty. Spend your time volunteering instead of in bars, or devote it to learning a new language or instrument, or take a night/online class on something you always wanted to know more about. Not at all judging you for the drinking, I do it too, but it sounds like you're unhappy with yourself right now and need to take a big step in a different direction.
Fair enough, and I didn't assume you didn't have it under control. Just that it seemed to be a contributing factor to the hookups, and if you're looking for a life with more... meaning? fulfillment? sense of self? you might spend time on activities that help others or develop one of your interests instead of keeping you in your current rut. If going to a bar is usually spent catching up with friends and doesn't tend to lead to hookups, then keep hanging out with your friends. Friends are important.
It does lead to hookups
Curious... In your ideal world, what would your life be like in a year? We cut and bulk and lift and track our food on here because we've got goals for our bodies and that's what it takes to get there. What's your life/relationship goal, and what will it take to get there?
My personal life is about to go on hold for work (I really can't say why on a public forum). So in a year I will just be getting back to the States and most of my friends/coworkers won't be here anymore. Ideally, though, I would be returning to the arms of someone that loved me. Unfortunately that won't happen and I will be rebuilding my social circle from the ground up when I get back.
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WYMANT0004 wrote: »I have been celibate since my (now) ex walked out on me. So just shy of three years now with the separation and divorce and the year since that was final...
Cannot say it is fully voluntary. As a single, working father with full custody I do not exactly have a ton of time on my hands to go out looking. Even if I did, I am a horribly introverted person and, not going to lie, have a damn near crippling self-confidence problem (10+ years in an abusive marriage will do that to you, though I was not exactly Johnny Partygoer before I got married). Hell... If we are throwing all our cards on the table, I am not even sure I know what a "healthy sexual relationship" is at this point which is another thing holding me back from even trying to put myself out there.
As far as what I do to keep sane... Pretty obvious that I develop an inferiority complex LOL. I also bake. A LOT!! Thankfully my coworkers eat everything I make so I do not have to worry about destructively eating myself to death
Damn man, I feel bad for you!1 -
I was talking to a friend about this. She is in a celibate marriage. She doesn't sleep with her husband any more . She told me it had brought them closer in their relationship but I think she is fooling herself. She is just afraid of being alone so settles for a relationship devoid of passion and mutual attraction.
The problem is that if you give any aspect of life too much importance it will consume all the other aspects. If all you think about is sex (or NOT having sex) the outcome is the same. You miss out on many things. I see that for the OP he may want to stop an excess of meaningless encounters by giving up sex altogether, but I would recommend looking at sex like chocolate. If you're binging on crappy Hershey's bars every day it may help to give up chocolate for a few weeks . But ultimately you need to introduce small amounts of higher quality chocolate. You'll enjoy it more because you're consuming it mindfully.1 -
People make too many assumptions about women and sex in general...lilkimi525 wrote: »Well... I see we all have our different opinions which is necessary. But as for me.... I don't want to give it up! It doesn't reflect my character.. Or decide the woman I choose to be. It simply brings me joy and pleasure! That's all.... Why must people peg woman as sluts if the like sex?? That's a double standard.
Unfortunately people assume that if you are a woman and you like sex....Then you have had sex with many...You can have sex with the same person forever....they wouldn't know but wouldn't care either....
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »I was talking to a friend about this. She is in a celibate marriage. She doesn't sleep with her husband any more . She told me it had brought them closer in their relationship but I think she is fooling herself. She is just afraid of being alone so settles for a relationship devoid of passion and mutual attraction.
The problem is that if you give any aspect of life too much importance it will consume all the other aspects. If all you think about is sex (or NOT having sex) the outcome is the same. You miss out on many things. I see that for the OP he may want to stop an excess of meaningless encounters by giving up sex altogether, but I would recommend looking at sex like chocolate. If you're binging on crappy Hershey's bars every day it may help to give up chocolate for a few weeks . But ultimately you need to introduce small amounts of higher quality chocolate. You'll enjoy it more because you're consuming it mindfully.
Love the chocolate reference. I'll add slowing down vs abstinence to the mountain of things I have on my mind lol2 -
Damn man, I feel bad for you!
Bah! Do not feel bad for me. Sure it kinda sucks, but, like anything else in life, it is just a hurdle to clear. Day at a time, step at a time, get myself back together, get a little confidence and start trying to make new lady friends and see where life takes me.1 -
WYMANT0004 wrote: »Damn man, I feel bad for you!
Bah! Do not feel bad for me. Sure it kinda sucks, but, like anything else in life, it is just a hurdle to clear. Day at a time, step at a time, get myself back together, get a little confidence and start trying to make new lady friends and see where life takes me.
Good attitude. So many who get burned seem to embrace bitterness. You see them online banging on about how all women/all men are just users. A lot of the guys stray into downright misogyny, though I guess they may have started there for all I know.
Truth is there are some spectacularly crappy people out there of both sexes.
Sincerely wish you well transforming your life into one that makes you happy. I've been in your neighborhood myself; not the same address maybe, but definitely in the area.2 -
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Good attitude. So many who get burned seem to embrace bitterness. You see them online banging on about how all women/all men are just users. A lot of the guys stray into downright misogyny, though I guess they may have started there for all I know.
Truth is there are some spectacularly crappy people out there of both sexes.
Sincerely wish you well transforming your life into one that makes you happy. I've been in your neighborhood myself; not the same address maybe, but definitely in the area.
Yeah, there are a lot of bitter people out there but I certainly am not one of them. As you say, there are crappy people on both sides. But there are also good people on both sides too, just have to work myself up to the point were I can locate one of them,
I appreciate your sentiment. Hopefully one day you will see me moving out of that neighbourhood as well1 -
Thinking I might try this to clear my head. Any high sex drive people in here ever voluntarily go celibate for any significant amount of time (6 months-1yr)? And I mean voluntarily because you have a few options, not just some awkward FA, deployed, never tries or a person that is scared of rejection.
If so how did you not become angry and mean during that period?
Your thoughts gents and lasses?
I am actually on a no dating/sex/porn/*kitten* moratorium for about 6-9 months. I am doing it as a learning and healing experience. It has definitely helped me so far. I am about 13 days in and my mind feels clearer, don't think about sex as much, no compulsive *kitten*, I feel more confident, more masculine etc.1
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