So you got called fat.

LaurenAOK

Here, I just thought of a better example.

Say you have a friend who was describing you to someone else. You overhear them. Let's say they say, "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually." You probably wouldn't be upset at all.

But now let's say their description of you was: "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually, kind of fat." Suddenly, you're heartbroken. Right? But why? Why is that so insulting? I understand it might be a little hard to hear, but if you realize you actually ARE overweight - could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do.

My point is that in circumstances like this, "fat" is not an insult and we shouldn't give it the power to be one. Being fat does not mean you are lazy, or gross, or any of the other things people like to associate "fat" with. It just means you physically have a lot of fat. I know not everyone sees it that way, and that's fine. I just wish more people would, because there would be less hurt feelings in the world.

Does that make sense?

pcastagner

Pointing out where I feel OP's saying "If you're fat, it's fact. Accept it and move on.": (emphasis mine)

Stop letting the word "fat" hurt you. Yes, you are fat. Okay. Big whoop.

I understand not giving words power to hurt, but some do to some people and you can't change that. I don't tell LGBT folks to get over being called f@gs, or PoC being called n*ggers because they're facts, big whoop.

First of all, you quoted that part completely out of context. Right after that part of the post, I went on to list a bunch of positive things about the potential person. What I was getting at was that who cares if you have one "negative" thing about you - in this case your weight - you're still wonderful. Of course if you take it out of context it sounds bad.

The metaphor you made is not applicable. The "f" word and "n" word are horrible, derogatory terms. "Fat" is not. That's my opinion. Now if you called someone a whale, or called them disgusting, or called them "piggy" or whatever - that's totally different. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the word FAT. That's all.

Calling a black person a black person is totally different then calling a black person the "n" word. Calling a fat person a fat person is totally different then saying "oink oink, lose some weight."

in my humble opinion, once you have gone down the road of needing to argue why what you said is not, in fact, offensive, you have probably said something that is, in fact, offensive.

How can you, on the one hand, be on MFP, and on the other hand, deny the importance to human beings of body composition and how others perceive it? Look at all the traffic here. Would so many people be here counting calories if how you look were not somehow relevant to how happy they are?

Being called fat cuts deep for some. For others, something else might cut them deep. Everyone's got something. That's why it's best to encourage each other to be thoughtful and careful about the words we use.

operation_cute

I call my self fat lol my boyfriend always responds "you are not!" lol but the fact is I am, when I say it I'm not feeling bad about myself, I'm just at a point of realization that, that's what I am right now. If I didn't know that I wouldn't be here trying to fix it I've never been called fat by anyone else (other than my kids goofing around) but I have gotten judgemental looks, implied my appearance isn't as wonderful as someone else's because of my weight, (told I was a 3 on a scale of 1-10 and that I know why) <

---

thats one of my biggest motivations now though, that and being yummy eye candy for the man who tells me all the time I'm NOT fat lol And even though I Know I'm fat, and even though I know I'm not as hot as I used to be (but for being a bigger girl I'm kinda cute in my opinion ) It still hurts when people look at me judgeing eyes, and manage to call me fat without actually using the word fat. Honestly though, actually being called fat would be easier to handle, because that, yes, is just a noun

LorinaLynn

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

You didn't answer the question. Whether it's sturdy, as yours is, or not -- what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

NOTHING gives them that right. But when you realize that someone who just goes around randomly and/or purposefully insulting people isn't worth any amount of anguish, it stops crushing you.

Edited to add: And while nothing gives them that right, nothing is going to stop mean people from being mean. No matter how much you weigh or what you look like, someone, somewhere will find something negative to say about you.

Learning skills to cope with negativity is a much healthier option than wishing the world would change.

operation_cute

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

You didn't answer the question. Whether it's sturdy, as yours is, or not -- what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

NOTHING gives them that right. But when you realize that someone who just goes around randomly and/or purposefully insulting people isn't worth any amount of anguish, it stops crushing you.

pcastagner

Edited to add: And while nothing gives them that right, nothing is going to stop mean people from being mean. No matter how much you weigh or what you look like, someone, somewhere will find something negative to say about you.

Learning skills to cope with negativity is a much healthier option than wishing the world would change.

it's not one or the other, and actually, social pressure DOES stop mean people from being mean. When you take some of the social pressure away (for instance when people interact on a forum like this one and can't see the people with whom they are interacting), people get meaner.

deeohcee

That's exactly right. I grew up in a culture where fat is the compliment and skinny was a huge insult (clearly I didn't grow up here in America lol). However, it would be foolish of the women who have always been proud of their bodies where I grew up to come here and suddenly feel insulted by the same thing they loved to hear in the past. Wouldn't it? Or the skinny here moving there and suddenly hating themselves or however you flip it. The point is, don't let someone else decide whether you should be happy or not about what you are. Some people do it because they know it hurts those they target. The best defense is to not let it hurt. It's easier said that done, I'm sure, but it's good advice.

tequilasunris3

But now let's say their description of you was: "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually, kind of fat." Suddenly, you're heartbroken. Right? But why? Why is that so insulting? I understand it might be a little hard to hear, but if you realize you actually ARE overweight - could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do.

Although you say that your post wasn't in retaliation my post, you read mine, and then you posted yours.
If my friend described me as or told me I was "short, short brown hair, freckly, a bit fat" which is what I am, then I would not, repeat, would not bat an eyelid. However In my post I explained that my "friend" called me fat with intention of offending me infront of a group of people in a public place and lots of people laughed. I AM overweight, but I'd rather not be picked out and told I am fat infront of a load of people. It's personal, humiliating and yes it is offensive.

LaurenAOK

But now let's say their description of you was: "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually, kind of fat." Suddenly, you're heartbroken. Right? But why? Why is that so insulting? I understand it might be a little hard to hear, but if you realize you actually ARE overweight - could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do.

Although you say that your post wasn't in retaliation my post, you read mine, and then you posted yours.
If my friend described me as or told me I was "short, short brown hair, freckly, a bit fat" which is what I am, then I would not, repeat, would not bat an eyelid. However In my post I explained that my "friend" called me fat with intention of offending me infront of a group of people in a public place and lots of people laughed. I AM overweight, but I'd rather not be picked out and told I am fat infront of a load of people. It's personal, humiliating and yes it is offensive.

I completely understood the situation in your post, and I assure you, again assure you, that this post was not in reference to that. I have been wanting to make a similar post to this for a while, and just found the time to write it out last night. Please do not take it personally. I can completely understand why you were upset about what happened to you. I'm sorry the timing of my post made it look like it was in reference to yours. I promise you that it wasn't.

If you wouldn't bat an eyelid if your friend described you as fat, that's awesome. Many people would, though, and many people do. I would never describe a friend as "fat" for that very reason. But when you really think about it, it seems silly that that's offensive, you know?

morkiemama

Thank you for posting this. I don't get called fat really (I am blessed with the ability to carry my weight well), but I find this really empowering in general. It is a great way to look at things.

pcastagner

That's exactly right. I grew up in a culture where fat is the compliment and skinny was a huge insult (clearly I didn't grow up here in America lol). However, it would be foolish of the women who have always been proud of their bodies where I grew up to come here and suddenly feel insulted by the same thing they loved to hear in the past. Wouldn't it? Or the skinny here moving there and suddenly hating themselves or however you flip it. The point is, don't let someone else decide whether you should be happy or not about what you are. Some people do it because they know it hurts those they target. The best defense is to not let it hurt. It's easier said that done, I'm sure, but it's good advice.

No, it would not be foolish of them.

If you take any group of humans, then divide them up arbitrarily into attractive and unattractive, with social advantages for the desirable ones and penalties for the undesirable ones, the pain felt by the undesirable group will be real even though the weapon is only an illusion.

There is nothing silly about feeling like **** because you belong to the less desirable group. Not giving a rat's *kitten* because you are strong and rise above is awesome, but not everyone can be strong all the time. I wasn't. So I did what was easier than being strong and changed my body.

LorinaLynn

Edited to add: And while nothing gives them that right, nothing is going to stop mean people from being mean. No matter how much you weigh or what you look like, someone, somewhere will find something negative to say about you.

Learning skills to cope with negativity is a much healthier option than wishing the world would change.

it's not one or the other, and actually, social pressure DOES stop mean people from being mean. When you take some of the social pressure away (for instance when people interact on a forum like this one and can't see the people with whom they are interacting), people get meaner.

I disagree. Mean people will always be mean. Clueless, oblivious and ignorant people might change, but if someone is a hurtful and hateful person, they don't care. They don't care if they hurt you, because they WANT to hurt you.

For instance, I'm friends now with some of the very same people who were mean to me in Junior High. They weren't mean because they were bad people. The majority of them were mean because they were insecure, immature and didn't now any better. When they grew up, when they saw more of the world around them, they stopped being mean.

Which goes back to what I was saying earlier about wanting to know the motivation behind someone being mean. Sometimes, they're just trying to be funny. (IE, my husband's friends call each other fat all the time, and it's all meant in jest) Sometimes, it's their own insecurities, like the kids in junior high. Sometimes, it's being completely oblivious and not thinking before they speak, and/or not knowing that they're hitting a sensitive button. And sometimes, they're just plain toxic people. Those you aren't going to change.

Kinda like on Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray told his Dad that calling someone "a Nancy" was offensive. "Yeah," replied Frank. "That's what makes it a good insult."

danofthedead1979

Here, I just thought of a better example.

Say you have a friend who was describing you to someone else. You overhear them. Let's say they say, "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually." You probably wouldn't be upset at all.

But now let's say their description of you was: "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually, kind of fat." Suddenly, you're heartbroken. Right? But why? Why is that so insulting? I understand it might be a little hard to hear, but if you realize you actually ARE overweight - could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do.

My point is that in circumstances like this, "fat" is not an insult and we shouldn't give it the power to be one. Being fat does not mean you are lazy, or gross, or any of the other things people like to associate "fat" with. It just means you physically have a lot of fat. I know not everyone sees it that way, and that's fine. I just wish more people would, because there would be less hurt feelings in the world.

Does that make sense?

'could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do'

- ok so you've now gone from condescending to downright patronizing about people you dont even know.

'I know not everyone sees it that way, and that's fine. I just wish more people would, because there would be less hurt feelings in the world.

Does that make sense?'


- IMO you still dont get it. i understand what your saying. that a factual description of you in the context you describe above is not offensive, and i agree. but what you are saying (as a whole) still doesnt feel right, i still dont get the impression that you appreciate how powerfull this small 3 letter word can be on some people.
The CONTEXT (not the message) you are trying to put across on your original post and subsequent posts seem to me a little confused. Why would someone be upset that a factual physical description is given of them in the right context by a friend?
The point is, I dont need someone telling ME how to feel and what to feel. im a grown man with all my faculties, i experience the world in my own unique way, and have my own unique experiences from which i draw upon which in turn informs my outlook on life. If i'm sensitive about being called fat, that is just a fact, im not going to apologise for it, nor suppress it on here just to be polite or for vanity. Because that is how i really feel.
i know i said i woudnt post on this thread again, i lied. :happy:

Krista916

The word fat can be hurtful. Any way you use it. Would it be fair to call a little person a midget, just because they are? Would it be OK to call a mentally challanged person a retard? I understand the whole take the power back and don't let it hurt your feelings, but bottom line is that it's hurtful, period. I know I'm fat, I don't need you or anyone else to bring it to my attention. Believe it or not there CAN be reasons other then overeating and laziness to weight. Hormone imbalances, PCOS, IDDM, NIDDM to name a few. Before you start using words like fat just to be descriptive go back to your childhood and remember "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"

People don't realize how that might effect someone long term. It is 15 years now that I've been out of high school and the very last day of my senior year I heard a boy say (to my crush about me) "she'd be hot if she wasn't so fat.'' I'm 36 and still remember exactly where we were, the time of day and even the dress I had on. It was devistating! I would kill for my "fat" high school body now (OK, maybe not kill, but you know).

Just think before you speak. Harsh word ring loud and clear for a long time.

tjthegreatone

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

tjthegreatone

Learning skills to cope with negativity is a much healthier option than wishing the world would change.

There is no reason why both cannot occur. You can change the world if you care to...enough.

Calliope610

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

The point is that I don't get "crushed" by strangers who say mean things, so whether or not they have the "right" to do so is a completely moot point to me.

pcastagner

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

The point is that I don't get "crushed" by strangers who say mean things, so whether or not they have the "right" to do so is a completely moot point to me.

so because it isn't a problem for you, it's not an important problem?

LorinaLynn

It's like racism and bigotry. Societal pressure may get some people to stop saying the certain words. But it won't change the people who need changing the most.

When my grandfather was a kid (he was born in 1903) he had a dog named the N-word. He wasn't a racist. He was a product of his time. The civil rights movement changed things, and it changed the habits of people who were just clueless or ignorant, but it hasn't erased racism. That goes deeper.

No one is saying suffer in silence. If you want to tell someone to shut their trap or insult them right back if they insult you, go right ahead. If it's someone you think you can reach by explaining that what they said is hurtful, go right ahead. If you think ignoring the comment is the way to go, do that.

But don't let it infect you. Because then they win. That's what they want. Don't give them what they want.

danofthedead1979

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

The point is that I don't get "crushed" by strangers who say mean things, so whether or not they have the "right" to do so is a completely moot point to me.

I dont consider people who are confident enough in themselves to admit a "percieved" weakness in their psyche to be frail. infact quite the opposite. I would say its reasonable to think that shows some bravery and humility to admit you are only human and dont posses a magic shield to fend off all the negative bollocks that comes your way in life. its sad that some of the comments on here (when taken to their natural conclusion) appear to conclude that if you cant deal with being fat and called/described as fat then thats ultimately your fault, you're the weak one, you cant cope with the big bad world boo hoo. because all you have to do is think positively and then multi-coloured bunny rabbits will suddenly jump out of your *kitten*, a big smiley sun will appear singing Stevie Wonder classics and everythings hunky-dory.
meanwhile back in the real world......
(btw, i know im a sanctimonious ****)