All of my friends are getting bigger............
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I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Sooo... other people should have taken responsibility for you, because you weren't taking it for yourself?
Absolutely not, it was my problem. That statement was a rebuttal to the people who think that "mind your own business" is the preferred approach to friendship, when in reality, it tends to just enable bad habits and situations.
I still think none of your business. Just because you wished someone had said it to you doesn't mean that everyone ought to feel that same way, or would. If one of my friends pointed out I've gained weight (and I have), my answer would be "no shiz, sherlock" and irritation that they thought I was clueless enough not to have noticed.Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Doesn't excuse what? The transgression of weight gain? Lol...
You quit caring about your appearance and that was not acceptable to you. Not everyone feels the same.
I'm at a normal BMI for the first time in my adult life. At times I've thought, man, I wish someone would've said something. But I doubt it would've mattered. I needed to be ready to change & I wasn't for a long time. Interestingly, once I lost a lot of weight, everyone felt it was their place to comment on my body, my weight loss & different specific features of the new me. And I hate it. I wish people would keep their comments to themselves. (I'm not talking about simple compliments, either.) I bet they all think they're doing me a huge service by sharing their perspectives of my body & fitness with me, too.
As I said before, I do think some relationships are the kind that could take that kind of conversation without negatively affecting the relationship. But in general (and especially with regard to the OP) sharing your own experiences when solicited is as far as it should go.
It doesn’t excuse taking another person’s attraction to me for granted and lowering my fitness standards by letting myself go.
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Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Sooo... other people should have taken responsibility for you, because you weren't taking it for yourself?
Absolutely not, it was my problem. That statement was a rebuttal to the people who think that "mind your own business" is the preferred approach to friendship, when in reality, it tends to just enable bad habits and situations.
I still think none of your business. Just because you wished someone had said it to you doesn't mean that everyone ought to feel that same way, or would. If one of my friends pointed out I've gained weight (and I have), my answer would be "no shiz, sherlock" and irritation that they thought I was clueless enough not to have noticed.Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Doesn't excuse what? The transgression of weight gain? Lol...
You quit caring about your appearance and that was not acceptable to you. Not everyone feels the same.
I'm at a normal BMI for the first time in my adult life. At times I've thought, man, I wish someone would've said something. But I doubt it would've mattered. I needed to be ready to change & I wasn't for a long time. Interestingly, once I lost a lot of weight, everyone felt it was their place to comment on my body, my weight loss & different specific features of the new me. And I hate it. I wish people would keep their comments to themselves. (I'm not talking about simple compliments, either.) I bet they all think they're doing me a huge service by sharing their perspectives of my body & fitness with me, too.
As I said before, I do think some relationships are the kind that could take that kind of conversation without negatively affecting the relationship. But in general (and especially with regard to the OP) sharing your own experiences when solicited is as far as it should go.
It doesn’t excuse taking another person’s attraction to me for granted and lowering my fitness standards by letting myself go.
Maybe loving the person and not the package is what the difference is, here?
Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly goes straight to the bone.20 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
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Katiebear_81 wrote: »I don't owe anyone "thin" or "fit" or "pretty". I am my own human being and if I get married and gain weight then I don't "owe" it to my spouse to lose that weight. If he doesn't like it and it becomes a deal-breaker for him, then that is that - he is also his own human being and gets to determine the terms of his own life. If we have a discussion and I decide to lose weight, I'd do it for my own goddamned self, not because he wants me to.
I freakin hate the term "let herself go", like she *kitten* owed anyone anything. Because we are only talking about looks, here. And women (and men!) do not owe anyone any kind of aesthetic.
To a point it's only about looks. But if the weight gain continues at some point it will also become about health. And that's a big one. Expecting someone who loves you to sit by quietly while you knowingly ruin your healthy is a big expectation.2 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
I haven't found life to be so neatly black and white that I know for certain whether to have a talk with a friend about an issue or to just let things go. I would rather a friend engage me in an uncomfortable conversation today than having a related uncomfortable conversation at some point in the future with a doctor, lawyer, financial planner, my supervisor, etc...4 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
I haven't found life to be so neatly black and white that I know for certain whether to have a talk with a friend about an issue or to just let things go. I would rather a friend engage me in an uncomfortable conversation today than having a related uncomfortable conversation at some point in the future with a doctor, lawyer, financial planner, my supervisor, etc...
I'm firmly on team 'don't bring it up unless they ask' because they know. No adult gains weight and doesn't know it. Your clothes get tight, you have to let your belt out a notch, etc. If they want advice they'll ask is my motto.
That said, my husband and his male friends have no problem telling each other about weight gain.1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
I haven't found life to be so neatly black and white that I know for certain whether to have a talk with a friend about an issue or to just let things go. I would rather a friend engage me in an uncomfortable conversation today than having a related uncomfortable conversation at some point in the future with a doctor, lawyer, financial planner, my supervisor, etc...
I'm firmly on team 'don't bring it up unless they ask' because they know. No adult gains weight and doesn't know it. Your clothes get tight, you have to let your belt out a notch, etc. If they want advice they'll ask is my motto.
That said, my husband and his male friends have no problem telling each other about weight gain.
I have to wonder, given the drift in this conversation, if this is something that men and women are fundamentally different about (generally speaking, there are bound to be exceptions).
I find the idea that there's only one right way to be a friend possibly one of the strangest things I've read in this thread, and there's been a lot of strangeness.
Being a good friend means knowing what your particular friends are like, knowing their personalities and relating to each other within the parameters dictated by decency, mutual respect, and an intuitive understanding of each other. To suggest that a uniform set of standards should apply to all friendships outside of the context of individual, unique relationships is baffling to me.19 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
I haven't found life to be so neatly black and white that I know for certain whether to have a talk with a friend about an issue or to just let things go. I would rather a friend engage me in an uncomfortable conversation today than having a related uncomfortable conversation at some point in the future with a doctor, lawyer, financial planner, my supervisor, etc...
I'm firmly on team 'don't bring it up unless they ask' because they know. No adult gains weight and doesn't know it. Your clothes get tight, you have to let your belt out a notch, etc. If they want advice they'll ask is my motto.
That said, my husband and his male friends have no problem telling each other about weight gain.
I have to wonder, given the drift in this conversation, if this is something that men and women are fundamentally different about (generally speaking, there are bound to be exceptions).
I find the idea that there's only one right way to be a friend possibly the strangest things I've read in this thread, and there's been a lot of strangeness.
Being a good friend means knowing what your particular friends are like, knowing their personalities and relating to each other within the parameters dictated by decency, mutual respect, and an intuitive understanding of each other. To suggest that a uniform set of standards should apply to all friendships outside of the context of individual, unique relationships is baffling to me.
Well said, I was thinking the same thing. It's not all black and white.2 -
2
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piperdown44 wrote: »@jospen83 your shirt had me laughing out loud IRL! Co-workers wondered what was so funny
#teampluto
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This seems cruel. There are a multitude of reasons people gain weight and if it bothers you so much, perhaps you should move on to a skinnier crew.9
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piperdown44 wrote: »@jospen83 your shirt had me laughing out loud IRL! Co-workers wondered what was so funny
And I just choked on my coffee reading it 2 -
No idea if this is even still the conversation i got tired of reading the fights lol. But my thoughts...
I have noticed that on a third/fourth date im much more willing to eat tons (And im plenty happy on a first date to mow down, But for sake of the conversation i am more comfortable doing it)
So I imagine finding someone who loves you could easily lead to more dates out and comfort eating watching tv together and stuff like my exs family bringing me cake and chocolate on my birthday. So more people= more food and more comfort knowing someone loves you could lead to gain. For sure.
Partly why im not kind of a picky *kitten* when dating. I dont want to be this girl but when i meet people i make it clear im active and i want someone also working on being active and fit. I feel judgemental but to me its important not to backtrack, And its VERY easy to do if you get comfortable with someone who tends to overeat or not care. I work hard, Id just like someone who has the same priorities.
Iv found men who are totally down for meeting and having coffee/long walks, Who then turn around and ruin it thinking its funny to try and tempt me relentlessly to "cheat" and go get drinks and a big greasy dinner and dessert. Which im down for but if thats your idea for a first date and clearly find tempting me when i say no thanks funny i see you as someone who will be bad for me long term and tend to move on. Sorry not really sorry.
Not even sure im making any sense to the conversation, My point is yes its easy to backtrack and slip into being totally comfortable putting weight on. Especially with a partner by your side loving you no matter what, And complimenting you often. I actively seek people who i wont do that with. Not everyone does, And if you fall in love your in love. Its great and no judgement. Life happens. Id just like to avoid the temptation, Sort of like an ex smoker dating a smoker. Or walking your butt into a delicious smelling bakery daily just to look. You know its bad news for you, But cant always avoid the temptation forever. Best to try and minimize it before it starts sometimes lol2 -
kshama2001 wrote: »piperdown44 wrote: »@jospen83 your shirt had me laughing out loud IRL! Co-workers wondered what was so funny
#teampluto
Yeeesss1 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?
Because men have higher muscle mass, yes, men will always be able to eat more, unless you happen to be considerably larger than the man. Given a woman and man of the same size, the man is biologically designed to have more muscle per pound, while the woman will have more fat, so the man can eat more.0 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »It doesn’t excuse taking another person’s attraction to me for granted and lowering my fitness standards by letting myself go.
Agree to disagree. If my husband puts on 20 pounds because he skips the gym so he can spend more time hanging out with me watching tv or skips the gym because he has to start working a second job to make ends meet or starts booking a weekly babysitter so we can go out to eat more often or orders pizza more often to relieve me from making dinner every night or picks up fast food more often because he's working crazy hours & doesn't have time to meal prep, I'm not going to sit him down & let him know he's taking me for granted by packing on the pounds. But that's me.
Edited for spelling18 -
OP why didnt you ask your HUGE Friends this question when you saw them?10
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It's natural to want to help them out and to see the light...but none of my business really. It hurts to see them destroy their health with bad choices but I was there once. But as another mentioned, I don't know their possible medical situations so I should not judge. I'm a work in progress!0
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rainbowbow wrote: »HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This has happened to me twice, but was easily stopped when i realized portion sizes for men and women simply can't be the same (even if i want them to).
me too!
first two boyfriends i put on quite a bit of weight over the years. did it again the 3rd time just last year... and right now im working it off! the difference this time is im losing the weight the right way, and my boyfriend is super supportive with cooking healthy stuff and not suggesting junk food like the first 2.
relationship weight, ugh, been there done that!1 -
[/quote] Sometimes I intend to do some yoga after an hour of TV but get sucked into that cuddling vortex.[/quote]
I've lost many workout hours because of the damnable cuddle vortex!!!1
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