WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR JUNE 2018

pipcd34

Ppp

okiewoman510

Machka - That's what we are here for. We will listen when you need to vent. Unfortunately our replies aren't in real time. It's not the same, but it is what we can offer.

Lisa - In my case, my hubs has friends that he talks to, but it is normally sports, cars, work or something along those lines. My friends all say about the same thing. I think boys are just wired differently. For the most part, they don't do the emotional talking that we do.

Okie

SophieRosieMom

Lisa -- same here, my DH says I'm his best friend and he doesn't want or need anyone else. The dogs and me are his whole life. We used to do things with couples all the time before we moved into this rural area, and as his arthritis worsened he has became more and more isolated and depressed.

No wonder he gets grumpy, lol. At least he does speak to his brother on the phone about once a month and I'm grateful for that after not having much contact with his family for decades it seems.

I think it places a lot of responsibility on us wives to be their "everything" like that - now then, I'm glad to be there for him and do what I can to care for him and let him know he's special and loved.

These loners do depend on us more and more as they get older... at times, I feel like I'm more his mom and caretaker than the fun wife I once was.

I try not to get resentful, I think it's one of the stages of life. But I am thankful for female friends and again, this group to be able to be among humans now and then and not just the dogs and my grumpier old man, lol.

Lanette
Pensive in SW WA State

ryenday

LisaMy husband is the social one of our couple but that isn’t saying much.

John has one tried and true best friend (they often refer to themselves as siblings born to different families). She and DH have been best friends since just after college. She is the ultimate extrovert, social organizer, entertainer etc.

She, um, thinks I’m ok, I guess. I thought we were friends, but have finally figured out the signals (She is the person who hosts and plans surprise parties, gets the happy birthday texts out for long distance friends and college buddies etc., passes along all the news (so and so’s book published, BiL passed away etc. )) but over 10 years running ‘forgot’ my birthday. I didn’t figure it out until this year when we visited and I realized the dynamic wasn’t friendly so much as tolerant for the sake of her friendship with John.

John has a few other very good friends - these tend to be guys with whom he has shared some adversity (often work related, like his partner in the ‘fix the y2k bug deal’ 20 years ago). These fellas become good friends and lasting friendships.

He is also a magnet for the ladies. Not superficially (he is very pleasant and average looking but no one is going to ask him to be a model or anything) but because he loves to talk about real things and emotions. I think that is rare.

I consider him a treasure.

Lucky for me, he also is not big on group social engagements - unless they are our old college crowd- he prefers a max of 5 or 6 people. 3 or 4 (including him and me) is better!

Unfortunately he is not so lucky in his spouse this way. As he recently said to me : “I didn’t realize when we married just how close to the Asperger’s spectrum you are”. I can manage one on one usually, but I do need many things spelled out. I just don’t pick up on social cues. My mind is very literal, and I need things spelled out, not polite and obscure.

John thinks that might be due to my impaired senses and disabilities - he said “you spend so much brain time on processing your impaired sensory information; trying to not fall down or walk into anything and trying to hide that: so I think you missed out on learning basic social cues. “.

It is far easier for me to learn a single person’s cues - over time, and lots of one on one interactions especially if they are patient and explain to me when they see I’m missing the point. But that it is a lot of work on my part and requires someone with excess patience and excellent social awareness. (Like my dear husband). I often prefer to keep things at a friendly acquaintance level as it is much easier and I am less likely to get hurt.

I do not think I am good for John socially. I think he would do more with friends and see more people if I were not in the picture. My awkwardness draws out his protectiveness and so we often just find it more pleasant to sit at home with the cats.

I’m going to take what Lisa and Lanette said to heart tho. I don’t want HIM to feel that he’s acting the father to this grumpy old woman! Maybe we should have his best friend from work and wife over for dinner soon! I’ll see what I can do. We both love to cook for others so it could even be fun on the whole!

Rye

SophieRosieMom

Rye - (((HUGS)))). There's a part of me a bit like you as well. When we were first married, he was the social Mr. Fun guy, ladies magnet and I was the rather-stay-at-home gal as I wasn't comfortable with crowds or people I didn't know or have much in common with.

To me, the thing about marriage and long term relationships (even friendships) is that it's never "even". As the years go by, we give different things in different amounts. I think my DH gets discouraged that in his eyes, it's not close to even anymore - but as long as I have other avenues (sometimes more than I'm comfortable with) to refresh my social energy when I need to, I'm fine.

Sending many good thoughts your way!! Your John is a treasure!

Lanette

LisaInAR

Kind of interesting that the conversation should go this way. Like Lanette, I do feel a little pressure. But I realized, hearing him talk to this family now that his dad has passed, that I have zero reference points for how he's feeling. I went to my father's funeral pretty much just to make sure he was dead--and my mother's death spiraled me into depression for nearly two years... with pretty much zero support from my now-ex-husband, in retrospect. My husband's grief lies somewhere in between those two extremes, and the best people he could possibly talk to now are those with the same relationship he had with his dad - his brothers and sisters.

Hope everyone's aware that there are no judgments here... just curiosity, as all I can do right now is make myself available to my husband for anything he needs as he processes his father's death. But, for a change, he's reaching out to his family, or at least open to long conversations with them, and I'm glad of it, as I said. I hadn't even really realized the extent of his dependence on me for an emotional outlet until he had others as that outlet for the first time.

It's also the first true test of his ability to process emotion without alcohol--he quit drinking hard liquor more than a year ago now. While he still drinks beer, it is no longer to excess, and doesn't open those emotional gates for him.

And, Lanette - I completely agree, both that Rye's John is a treasure, and that marriage is NEVER 50-50. The balance shifts all the time.

Interesting times...

Love y'all!
Lisa

pipcd34

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Katla49

Rebecca: I can't imagine getting along without Vitamin D3 in our region. After a person is so many miles from the equator and in an area that is often cloudy or overcast, it is a huge health helper. I've heard of it referred to as the sunshine vitamin. :flowerforyou:

JanetR: Thanks for good wishes for DD on the sale of her Colorado house. Her realtor tells her is should be a quick sale and good offer because it is in a sought after area. We are keeping our fingers crossed. Her DH has been working hard on renovations that should make it very attractive to buyers.

(((Machka in OZ))): I am so sorry that you are on your own in dealing with your DH's health situation. Like you, DH & I rely mostly each other. We are lucky to have family support from our adult children, although both live far away these days. Despite the physical distance, they supply a connection that I value. I am lucky to have them available by phone.


I have managed to take off a few of the pounds I regained and my knee is feeling better, but not quite as much better as I need for pain relief. I'd like to take off two or three pounds more. I will know that I have met my goal when my knee stops hurting.


Katla in beautiful NW Oregon

kevrit

I’ve not been very chatty lately, kind of down. Not sure why.....

Medicare paid for my implant removal. No questions. They were leaking and making me sick.

BFFs... I had one when I lived in TN. We still talk once in a while, but not that much. I’m not much for socializing. Have lots of acquaintances but no special friend. My DH is the same. We are kinda hermits. Lol

Today is hand washing clothes and sheets. Cleaning RV to prepare for next move to Bluewater State Park about 5 hours NorthWest from here.

Have to get going. Laters ladies!

RV Rita at Caballo Lake State Park in New Mexico

KetoneKaren

Kelly young adults make many blunders before they decide what kind of person they want to be. I wish your young friend had taken the olive branch. I would have.

I know two women, friends from HS, with a story like yours. It took years for the straight friend to forgive the gay friend for being gay, but she finally did, at the gay friend's father's funeral. Unfortunately, they had only a few years to be friends again, because the straight friend has Alzheimer's, and doesn't even know her own husband anymore.

These two women are part of a group of 5 of us who were good friends in HS. There are a couple of others who have joined in since then, and at least 4 of the group gets together every 6 months for the last 35 years to spend a weekend together and catch up. I am the farthest away, so don't get to go as often. My former best friend is not part of that group, but she is friends with some of them, so it's complicated.

Fortunately, all of my friends exept my best friend were unimpressed with my revelation that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a woman, and are perplexed that my former best friend would sacrifice a wonderful friendship instead of figuring out a way to adjust.

I am grateful that most of my old buddies don't care one way or the other.

This group is interesting; gay & straight, conservative & liberal, all levels of education, working & retired, single & married, religious & atheist...I really don't know why we are such good friends, but we are...I really cherish my relationships with other women, including those on this thread.

My partner has her own group of women friends and a best friend from HS.

Then we have some mutual friends, men and women. Lots of friends for two introverted people!

When I was married (twice), both husbands had buddies they spent time with. I liked that. I thought that their friendships and interests which did not involve me made them more interesting people.


Karen in Virginia

coastalgosgal

I sometimes will be talking to my husband about things like a girlfriend, then come to my senses! "Oh you don't want to hear that"! He says," that's ok"! "If I don't wish to listen, I will tell you".

I posted free boxes on a visual garage sale in Facebook. Had two ladies both wishing, so I told lady #1 that if I didn't hear back from her by 2pm, it would go to the next one waiting. Then lady #2 was really excited, insisting she could come asap! I stuck to my guns, thinking the first lady most likely was in route some where, and couldn't text me. She finally got back to me, and I told lady #2 the boxes weren't available. There are rules you need to follow, and most are just out of respect. Everyone needs patience.

I am still not at 100%, feeling dizzy and swirly now and then throughout the day with vertigo. It affects how I process my food most definitely. Always with a feeling of nausea just under the radar. No fun. Doing my exercises twice a day, and though they make me really nauseous, they do help.

Take care!
Rebecca
Whidbey island
Washington

cityjaneLondon

I'm getting very frustrated because my photos are not loading. Want to share with you all.
Love the best friend discussion, but typing on my phone is not easy.
Great day today. Went out on a boat to an old fishing island. 35 inhabitants. Bought sűrstromming - a fermented herring. Apparently smells foul and tastes good. Penny?????
We were shown around by the island's head honcho who is also a clown and internationally renowned. He took us to a famous wooden painted chapel, done in the 18th century by a local young man. Amazing! The king paid for it to be preserved, he liked it so much.
We were welcomed into port by a local jazz band and a red carpet. We liked the jazz band so much they have been invited on to the ship for a concert tonight at 6 with free champagne on deck.
Much love, Heather xxxxxxxx

KetoneKaren

Rebecca. Have you tried the Epley maneuvers someone mentioned? It might help your vertigo resolve.

cityjaneLondon

This loaded OK. Part of the painted Chapel.
Love Heather ☓

cityjaneLondon

At last, on the eighth try. Us at the formal evening yesterday. :laugh:
Heather ☓

1948Peachy

Karen in Va wrote: This group is interesting; gay & straight, conservative & liberal, all levels of education, working & retired, single & married, religious & atheist...I really don't know why we are such good friends, but we are...I really cherish my relationships with other women, including those on this thread.

So very true! Thank you Karen!

Carol in GA

1948Peachy

Heather ~ Y'all look very handsome.

KetoneKaren

Heather Fabulous.

janetr7476

Heather, I'm whistling my best "wheet whooo" at the two of you. You are a beautiful couple . I'm LOVING the photos!!

Janetr OKC

barbiecat

Heather, I am enjoying your adventures and your photos. It is fun to watch you and your husband having such a wonderful trip. It wouldn't work for me because I don't want to leave my dogs, don't want to be around a bunch of people, don't want to eat food prepared by other people, and don't want to have to dress up.

Barbie