The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living
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First AF Thanksgiving on the books. Phew! Not too hard, but not easy either. It helped that my sister is about 95% AF too and she said the wine wasn't very good (she didn't finish hers), plus we squeezed in 2 crazy tabata workouts in the garage. Sore is much better than hungover!
I hope you all were able to stick with your goals or plans. I know some of us have it harder than others. I know it sounds simple and/or crazy, but I'm just thankful to be alive and have a home and family and friends. So many in the world aren't so lucky.6 -
I started MFP 10 days ago knowing that eliminating alcohol was a great way to cut calories. I haven't been AF but I have limited it to a few glasses of red wine. Seeing this group makes me think of going AF.7
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lorrainequiche59 wrote: »
Home SWEET Home!! With my favorite canine pal!!
@RubyRed427 I watched the video accompanying the article...how sad!
@CarvedTones I too notice people drinking in pics....more than I did before I was AF...and when I see people frequently posting pics with alcohol in hand, I wonder if there is a problem lingering for them. I am definitely looking at things through a different lens...it 'seems' fun, but I also realize that things are not always as they 'seem.'
It will very soon be 6 months AF for me. This is now my life...a sober life. I love being freed from enslavement to alcohol, now I need to apply the same determination to my food issues!!
Hope everyone has a good week.
There is a gray area between responsible drinking and problem drinking, that's for sure.
There is a huge difference between someone having a beer with reheated pizza for dinner while watching the news then maybe having another while surfing the net, practicing an instrument or whatever and someone closet drinking with the sole purpose of getting buzzed. Both are drinking alone. In shows, it's often the detective looking through documents at home, pouring one or two fingers of liquor in a glass and also drinking alone. I could go on with examples of solo drinking that really don't seem to be causing problems.
I know people who rarely drink to excess and then it is usually not to extreme excess and it is in a safe setting - no driving will be needed, not public, etc. You see that sort of behavior in shows all the time.
Sometimes I am jealous of people who can do that without increasing in frequency or how much they drink at a time. Other times I think most of these people have a problem also. I definitely pick up on signs that people I know are outside the bounds of responsible drinking.
I definitely see things differently now.4 -
Thankyou @CarvedTones
I have a constant fight in myself. So i do c consider myself as a potential problem drinker. I was having it to shut everything out. Now just wish i could have it without the effects. I think ive heard myself say, "why it it so nice? If only i could have some without the **** that goes with it"
But now more to the point its the reponsibility i have that if i dont be responsible theres a lot of lives in my home at stake, and ill include mine. I dont want to loose what ive gainedeven if some people are critical of me.
Thanks again. Everything on here the sharing of experiences really helps.also to know none of us are alone..
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Thankyou @CarvedTones
I have a constant fight in myself. So i do c consider myself as a potential problem drinker. I was having it to shut everything out. Now just wish i could have it without the effects. I think ive heard myself say, "why it it so nice? If only i could have some without the **** that goes with it"
But now more to the point its the reponsibility i have that if i dont be responsible theres a lot of lives in my home at stake, and ill include mine. I dont want to loose what ive gainedeven if some people are critical of me.
Thanks again. Everything on here the sharing of experiences really helps.also to know none of us are alone..
I am glad you got something out of that. I felt like I wasn't really making my point. I think it is a little more black and white when we are in the gray area. If it is becoming a problem, I think most people know it even if they won't admit it.3 -
I am so glad that I am working remote today. There is a butter almond rum cake in the break room. That's a double whammy - I am too close to the top of my maintenance range for comfort and want to drop back some before Christmas plus the consternation over whether rum flavored cakes, which seem to be a Christmas staple, are okay. I think not, even though there is usually little or no alcohol content after baking. It's often rum flavoring instead of actual rum. Still sets my "bad idea" alarm off.4
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I`ve been thinking lately about those of you who have partners who drink & how that must be an extra challenge at times. I just wanted to put that out there cause I`m sure it has it`s own set of difficulties & I just want to say that I admire your determination to stay AF cause I think it might be harder than for those of us who are single. HUGS 7
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lorrainequiche59 wrote: »I`ve been thinking lately about those of you who have partners who drink & how that must be an extra challenge at times. I just wanted to put that out there cause I`m sure it has it`s own set of difficulties & I just want to say that I admire your determination to stay AF cause I think it might be harder than for those of us who are single. HUGS
My situation has some complexities to it. My wife and I have serious problems that were not all due to my drinking and they didn't magically go away. In fact, now that I am 17 months AF, she has pretty much lost the upper hand in being able blame our problems on my behavior. Now she says there is nothing I can do to regain her trust. Ever. So in an odd way, it is hastening the demise of our relationship. There was a glimmer of hope that is now gone.
She doesn't drink much or often, almost never at home. When our adult son is here for Christmas, they will probably make a couple of frozen fruity drinks. He approached me last year about whether or not it would bother me. I told him if I can't survive exposure, I am doomed to failure. BTW, this is an important point about the whole matter of going AF; if I can't get used to being around it without being tempted then my odds of staying alcohol free long term are low. Food for thought.
But my wife does have a glass of wine out with friends sometimes; not frequently but maybe every few weeks. Since I have been AF, I have become more aware of the little tells that it is sometimes more than one; enough to get a little buzz going. There have been a couple of times when she was probably slightly over the limit driving home. If I say anything, I can guarantee it will be taken (or at least portrayed) as an unfounded personal attack.
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if i learned anything, i learned i too had some sick tendencies to go along with my husband's drinking and using. he was changing in recovery and i could change with him or be stuck in the same old manure-by myself.
i still drank while my husband was sober. he said it was ok. there were times where he white knuckled it and i didn't have or drink alcohol around him then. but he said it was easier because we didn't drink the same things. he was a beer and Jack guy. i was wine and cider.
back in the day, i was a problem drinker keeping up with the alcoholics in my life but in the end i realized i didn't like the way it was affecting my life so i drink a few times a year now. hanging out with a lot of sober people and no one else drinking-i just don't feel the urge to have a drink either. (though they've too said it was ok).
from all appearances, i think i looked like an alcoholic but i still had choice. when my husband drank, he was off to the races. i could drink heavy or light depending on what i felt the need to do the next day or later in the day. if we had something to do early in the morning, i could have a cider and go to bed. he would have 2 fingers and then a 12 pack and then off to get some "outside issues" and smoke that and drink more and then he'd be too screwed up to do the morning thing.
it took me a long time to realize i could do our plans on my own, even if he couldn't.
(sorry-perspective from the other side of the table)5 -
Interesting ideas about partner/spouse issues... my former spouse tackled addiction issues prior to our meeting, and he was always able to keep alcohol under control and rarely drank to excess (if he did, it was very planned, not a "whoops" like me). Now, though, I can see that he may have tackled the substances, but that addictive behaviors are still there and in full force and manifest in food, denial, emotional issues, narcissism, victim-ness, etc. I feel bad for him as it has resulted in serious health and emotional issues, and in my mind, these are things we still have control over. At least... I do... and therein possibly lies the crux to many of our problems.3
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so true @joha5603 they say drinking and using is but a symptom.
before my husband relapsed he was so irritable and discontent and dry, you'd be afraid to have a smoke near him lest he go up in flames.
he became obsessive over exercise, computer or other games, inappropriate anger, victimhood, and chronic uniqueness.
the people i know who have most successfully recovered fill their lives with other fulfilling things. exercise, volunteering, adventuring, friends and family etc4 -
Great bunch! Me, too! I've been working to remain completely abstinent just for today. Where I come from, that's the world's record... today. Each day is all I need deal with. Has been a successful way to go for me since day one of the one-days, 12/25/76. So far, so good!12
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I have a spouse who drank in front of me the night I told him I had to quit drinking, while I was teary eyed expressing my anguish. The waiter then came up to the table after I told my spouse about my alcohol issue, and he ordered a glass of wine for himself.
I dont want him to quit drinking in front of me, because he doesnt have an issue stopping drinking once he starts like I clearly do..... but sometimes, I would feel more supported if he didn’t ALWAYS order a glass of wine with his dinner or have a beer while we eat dinner at the kitchen table. It’s during those times, I feel less supported. Because I am looking at him drinking that wine and thinking how good it smells and how much I used to like wine, etc.
I dont have the answer. I am the one with the problem with alcohol, but I would think that the spouse should try to support someone who has an addiction.
He does say to me that he is proud of me because I quit. That’s a nice gesture.10 -
@CarvedTones It’s sad to hear about your marriage. Sorry. Xo2
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@CarvedTones That is very sad.
I'm glad that you've been successfully AF through it all. Otherwise, it would just add to your unhappiness I'm thinking. Thank you for having the courage to share honestly & openly!!
@RubyRed427 That is a nice gesture that your hubby expressed his pride in your taking control of your life. I can understand how you feel a lack of support though especially right after pouring your heart out about your own drinking & he orders wine. My impression of that is he just doesn't get it. Like you said he has no problem controlling his intake so he can't relate.
@californiahombre So far so good...no kidding! Welcome to our group.4 -
Hi all, I posted in the less alcohol group but have been reading through your posts on this thread and so much of it range true with me too. The hiding, the tricks to drink more and think you're hiding it from people, the internal rationalization to justify it, the planning and isolation is all me. I am currently doing a less restrictive version of Whole30 (who really wants to give up cheese?), and alcohol is included in the list of no-nos. I have put on so much weight from my unhealthy habits I've developed around drinking and I need to get this under control. I want to be a person who can have one glass of wine and call it a night. Or ONE cider, not the whole six-pack. So I'm hoping that continuing to read and post here will help me get my thinking back in order. Congrats to everyone on your various lengths of sobriety-it's such an accomplishment!4
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I've recently become unable to run due to increased time with my kids. It's an odd thing to admit to: I of course adore them and they are my EVERYTHING! -- but I used the 50-50 custody schedule for self-care (exercise, solitude, getting the house back in order, etc) and I don't have that now.
Anyhow.... long story short: The only time I have to exercise is 6 AM and I've somehow lost my motivation for it. I used to swim at 530 AM, but recently gave that up, and was excited about my 3-mile runs and how easy and routine they had become. My kids are too young to leave alone so now I can only do my 6 AM living room workouts. Any tips for getting my motivation back? I do a 15-minute popsugar workout on YouTube followed by an 20-minute Tabata routine. Don't laugh! It's a good workout for me. (Side note: I call them my "Jane Fondas" and only ppl of a certain age find that as funny as me.)5 -
I've recently become unable to run due to increased time with my kids. It's an odd thing to admit to: I of course adore them and they are my EVERYTHING! -- but I used the 50-50 custody schedule for self-care (exercise, solitude, getting the house back in order, etc) and I don't have that now.
Anyhow.... long story short: The only time I have to exercise is 6 AM and I've somehow lost my motivation for it. I used to swim at 530 AM, but recently gave that up, and was excited about my 3-mile runs and how easy and routine they had become. My kids are too young to leave alone so now I can only do my 6 AM living room workouts. Any tips for getting my motivation back? I do a 15-minute popsugar workout on YouTube followed by an 20-minute Tabata routine. Don't laugh! It's a good workout for me. (Side note: I call them my "Jane Fondas" and only ppl of a certain age find that as funny as me.)
Yeah,...
Your story sounds a little like mine only im futher on, older kids. But yeah my motivation, selfesteem and the every thing i used to do in fitness was dying until i came across an personal trainer from another country thats keeping me on my toes.
I can say its working,... 3 -
@RubyRed427 - I understand what you are saying as well. You probably have said something to husband to the effect of, "Dear of Sweetums or....., lol, I don't want you to change having that glass of wine with dinner and when we are out. I just want to say that I can't stop at one and am trying hard to stick to that when you are having wine etc. when we are together. Do you have any ideas on how this can be easier for both of us--cuz I don't?" If not said something like this, maybe try it, I don't know. Continue to let us know how it is going. We are here for you.5
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salleewins wrote: »@RubyRed427 - I understand what you are saying as well. You probably have said something to husband to the effect of, "Dear of Sweetums or....., lol, I don't want you to change having that glass of wine with dinner and when we are out. I just want to say that I can't stop at one and am trying hard to stick to that when you are having wine etc. when we are together. Do you have any ideas on how this can be easier for both of us--cuz I don't?" If not said something like this, maybe try it, I don't know. Continue to let us know how it is going. We are here for you.
Insightful idea. Discuss it and not blame him but ask him if he has any ideas. Good thinking. Xo5 -
RubyRed427 wrote: »I have a spouse who drank in front of me the night I told him I had to quit drinking, while I was teary eyed expressing my anguish. The waiter then came up to the table after I told my spouse about my alcohol issue, and he ordered a glass of wine for himself.
I dont want him to quit drinking in front of me, because he doesnt have an issue stopping drinking once he starts like I clearly do..... but sometimes, I would feel more supported if he didn’t ALWAYS order a glass of wine with his dinner or have a beer while we eat dinner at the kitchen table. It’s during those times, I feel less supported. Because I am looking at him drinking that wine and thinking how good it smells and how much I used to like wine, etc.
I dont have the answer. I am the one with the problem with alcohol, but I would think that the spouse should try to support someone who has an addiction.
He does say to me that he is proud of me because I quit. That’s a nice gesture.
I just have to say it -- I am so impressed with you and the decision you made to stop drinking!
I (figuratively) fell down in April. Months in a stressful job, in a location that just lost its luster... and I was drinking more and more and hating everything around me. My anxiety was through the roof, and there were moments where I just could not get my brain to process a thought.
And when I stopped drinking, I started to think clearly again.
I hear you about catching that whiff of a good wine, or the citrus scent of a craft IPA. But you're doing something awesome with your life. Keep up the great work.5 -
RubyRed427 wrote: »I have a spouse who drank in front of me the night I told him I had to quit drinking, while I was teary eyed expressing my anguish. The waiter then came up to the table after I told my spouse about my alcohol issue, and he ordered a glass of wine for himself.
I dont want him to quit drinking in front of me, because he doesnt have an issue stopping drinking once he starts like I clearly do..... but sometimes, I would feel more supported if he didn’t ALWAYS order a glass of wine with his dinner or have a beer while we eat dinner at the kitchen table. It’s during those times, I feel less supported. Because I am looking at him drinking that wine and thinking how good it smells and how much I used to like wine, etc.
I dont have the answer. I am the one with the problem with alcohol, but I would think that the spouse should try to support someone who has an addiction.
He does say to me that he is proud of me because I quit. That’s a nice gesture.
I kept drinking after mine quit.
I think he understood how hard it is to quit, so he didn't complain very much or blame me. Like @mbaker566 I was cider and white / bubbly, he was red wine.
Earlier, I quit smoking cold turkey while he switched to vaping. A couple of times I complained about the smell of a flavour vapour he was using, but we sort of played tag with each other on our quitting. Since I've lost all the weight, he's started eating less and losing too.
Now we're both cigarette and alcohol free. We each got there on our own terms, but setting examples for each other.
I can't stand the smell of beer and wine any more. They remind me of sticky pub floors, depression, and anxiety.8 -
Hi everyone! I've been sick since the Friday after Thanksgiving so I have not had anything to add to the conversation but I've been reading everything. Welcome all new faces! We are happy to hear from you.7
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RubyRed427 wrote: »@CarvedTones It’s sad to hear about your marriage. Sorry. Xo
Thanks, and thanks to @lorrainequiche59 also.
There is a saying in BED treatment that in order to stop stuffing your face, you have to start facing your stuff. I can't think of a way to say that for drinking that is phrased so cleverly, but it is definitely true. I need to deal with the situation at home and move on. I can just about guarantee that my wife will say, and probably believe, that I want to separate so I can drink instead of doing it so I won't.1 -
Why I am going AF (or considering going AF... I'm still not sure how committed I am to it):
My daughter drew me this picture once when I had a bad hangover. Check out the matching dresses and necklaces. It's cute, right?!? And sad, too, and an excellent reminder.
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RubyRed427 wrote: »I have a spouse who drank in front of me the night I told him I had to quit drinking, while I was teary eyed expressing my anguish. The waiter then came up to the table after I told my spouse about my alcohol issue, and he ordered a glass of wine for himself.
I dont want him to quit drinking in front of me, because he doesnt have an issue stopping drinking once he starts like I clearly do..... but sometimes, I would feel more supported if he didn’t ALWAYS order a glass of wine with his dinner or have a beer while we eat dinner at the kitchen table. It’s during those times, I feel less supported. Because I am looking at him drinking that wine and thinking how good it smells and how much I used to like wine, etc.
I dont have the answer. I am the one with the problem with alcohol, but I would think that the spouse should try to support someone who has an addiction.
He does say to me that he is proud of me because I quit. That’s a nice gesture.
I kept drinking after mine quit.
I think he understood how hard it is to quit, so he didn't complain very much or blame me. Like @mbaker566 I was cider and white / bubbly, he was red wine.
Earlier, I quit smoking cold turkey while he switched to vaping. A couple of times I complained about the smell of a flavour vapour he was using, but we sort of played tag with each other on our quitting. Since I've lost all the weight, he's started eating less and losing too.
Now we're both cigarette and alcohol free. We each got there on our own terms, but setting examples for each other.
I can't stand the smell of beer and wine any more. They remind me of sticky pub floors, depression, and anxiety.CarvedTones wrote: »RubyRed427 wrote: »@CarvedTones It’s sad to hear about your marriage. Sorry. Xo
Thanks, and thanks to @lorrainequiche59 also.
There is a saying in BED treatment that in order to stop stuffing your face, you have to start facing your stuff. I can't think of a way to say that for drinking that is phrased so cleverly, but it is definitely true. I need to deal with the situation at home and move on. I can just about guarantee that my wife will say, and probably believe, that I want to separate so I can drink instead of doing it so I won't.
Before all this, I thought I might have to leave my husband. We quit cigarettes together when we just couldn't afford it anymore. That first month we went AF.
He was a grumpy drinker, and I was anxious. His grumpiness was affecting our family quite badly, and one day (when he hadn't had a drink yet) I managed to explain that him, sobbing uncontrollably.
He went back on the Zyban which helped him go AF for short periods before, and has now been good for 3 years. I'm up to 10 months.
My anxiety had meant I would criticise his grumpy complaints. A vicious circle, repeated every evening.
Tldr, We both made incremental changes, and as we overcame our own issues, we has less issues with each other.
There is something to be said for the MFP saying, "You do you", and for also knowing when it's time to speak up.
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The day after my son died at the age of 22, about 3 years ago now (I don't believe he had been drinking when he died in that accident), my daughter and I went to his apartment to get what we could of his things. He had been sick for days prior to the accident. My daughter cleaned out the dresser. I cleaned out the closet and what I could get that wasn't big furniture. In the closet on the top shelf was a huge empty container of bourbon. 2 of his roommates were there when we were doing this. The one said that my son and he had finished that off in the course of about a day a few days prior as if it was a great thing. Maybe that is why he was sick for days and had to call into work? His boss just told me about the calling in about a month ago. The day before his death, he came up to get the motorcycle, from my house, still sick. I don't know the specifics of why he was sick, but I do know that he had been throwing up. I can't honestly say it was due to drinking, but it looks like it. I know he must have been trying to quit. He had been in treatment. He knew for at least a couple of years that I had been struggling with quitting. If you ever wonder why you are going AF and if you should or should not stop and you know in your heart you have had a problem with not being able to stop at one drink, and you have kids, read what I just wrote again. God I miss him more than anyone on this earth knows. Only God does and He alone completely knows what this pain that I have every day is like. This will be my first Christmas Day not drinking since he passed and I hope and pray that I make it. For some reason that is one of the hardest holidays for me to not have him here. You know we had only been apart, at the most, one complete week his whole life, when he went to camp one year. I guess on the holidays, I for sure could count on seeing him and Christmas used to be my favorite. This year, I am going to do some volunteer work on that day to get my mind off of it. I hope the weather is not icy and/or snowy. I don't want to be stuck home.15
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@salleewins ... thank you for sharing that. I can't imagine, and I don't want to imagine... and yet, your darkness sheds a light. I hope it's okay to say that. I bet he was a great kid. I believe we are together in spirit with those we love, and I hope you feel him with you sometimes. My best to you. 4
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@salleewins - I am truly sorry for the pain you endure regarding your Son. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have a daughter who is 20 and away at college and a son who is 17 and a senior in high school. Neither of them seem to care for alcohol (even though they shouldn't yet anyway). I feel as though I have permanently damaged my relationship with my kids from my drinking. I was a very nasty drunk. They were afraid of me when I would start drinking at night. I am 30 days AF yesterday and I hope maybe my relationship with my kids will improve one day. I am happy for you to have had a beautiful relationship with your Son, and sad for you at the same time. Please stay strong and we will all lift you up through this difficult time.7
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