Dad Jokes/Bad Jokes...

piggy_smalls

A man is being taken to the gallows for his execution. The Executioner asks if he has any last requests. The man says that he would like a high-five. The Executioner left him hanging.

slimgirljo15

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean

LegionOfZoom

What day do potatoes hate the most?

Fry day

LegionOfZoom

Why was the letter damp?

It had postage dew

piggy_smalls

What's the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

piggy_smalls

I went for a job interview and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said, "I don't know, but I can give Bohemian Rhapsody a good go."

piggy_smalls

A fortune teller told me that in twelve years, is suffer a horrible heartbreak. So to cheer myself up, I adopted a puppy.

Diatonic12

I make bad chemistry jokes because all of the good ones argon. Ar

Diatonic12

I have a great joke about HIPAA but I can't tell you.

Diatonic12

Farm girls have great calves.

Diatonic12

Good moms let you lick the beaters.

Great moms turn them off first.

Diatonic12

I am acute math teacher with problems.

piggy_smalls

I went bald years ago but I still carry around an old comb. I just can't part with it.

foster1503

I bumped into an old mate today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive cars.
Then he pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician."

foster1503

A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2020 six nations Wales v England Executive box seats. He paid £500 each but he didn't realise last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St. Michael’s Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Sandra. She's 5'7” about 8st, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress😂

Theotherwhiteclint

foster1503 wrote: »

I bumped into an old mate today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive cars.
Then he pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician."

Savage

piggy_smalls

An old woman came up to me at the ATM and asked if I'd help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

piggy_smalls

The swordfish has no known natural predators. Save--perhaps--the penfish, which is said to be even mightier.

slimgirljo15

piggy_smalls wrote: »

An old woman came up to me at the ATM and asked if I'd help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

😂

piggy_smalls

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette

piggy_smalls

A friend of mine named his dog "5 Miles" so that he could tell people he walked 5 Miles every day. Well, today he ran over 5 Miles.

piggy_smalls

My wife and I share the same sense of humor. We have to, she doesn't have one.

piggy_smalls

[At my boss's funeral, kneeling beside the casket and whispering]

Who's thinking outside the box now, David?

piggy_smalls

I just found out my grandfather is addicted to Viagra. Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

glassyo

@piggy_smalls That'll do, pig. That'll do.

piggy_smalls

A Roman walks into a bar, raises two fingers to the bartender and says, "five beers, please".

PaintedPlay

What superpower does a parent bestow on their child...





Supervision

piggy_smalls

We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius. But did you know that his brother, Frank, was a monster?

getitamb

What is et short for?




It’s because he has small legs.

piggy_smalls

The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for eight years... I had no idea he was a barber.