Dad Jokes/Bad Jokes...

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  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    Iamonthemoonandthereusnoplacetogetabeer.

    Thereisnospacebar.
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  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    edited October 2020
    My daughter asked if all fairy tales start with, "Once upon a time...".

    I told her, "No... there's a whole series of fairy tales that start with, 'If elected, I promise...'".
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  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    Last night I asked, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

    She responded, "I'm Alexa, you moron!"
  • foster1503
    foster1503 Posts: 391 Member
    I asked my Barbour the other day "what cut would make me look handsome"
    A power cut was not the answer I was hoping for xx
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    A group of butts is walking and the smallest is struggling to keep up.

    "Sorry, I'm a little behind."
  • r4swaney
    r4swaney Posts: 749 Member
    What’s worse than ants in your pants?


    ..... uncles in your pants!
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    edited October 2020
    You know it's time to lose weight when:

    Your family has to stop half way to the powwow to replace the springs on your car

    * The car naturally tilts downward on the side you always ride on

    * The youngest kid with the shortest legs has to sit behind your seat, because you have to have the seat pulled all the way back to fit your beefy legs into the car

    * You eat Indian Tacos like potato chips

    * You don't even feel your mosquito bites

    * You have to "rock" a few times to get up out of your chair

    * People mistake you for a teepee when you wear a white tshirt

    * You have to "lift" your stomach to show off your new beaded belt buckle

    * You order a coke and the waitress asks, "Diet?"

    * You almost pass out in the sweathouse using only one rock

    * You get scared your belly button might come untied

    * In a powwow crowd of 1,000 people, everyone stops you to ask your advice about the best food stands AND where's the best fry bread stand

    * Other dancers use you for shade in grand entry line

    * You lose a $1,000 dance contest because your excess didn't stop in time with the drum

    * Your buckskin dress looks like you're still sitting down even if you're up walking around

    * You have to have your parade horse backed up next the car so you can climb up on the hood of the car and get on

    * Your parade horse is a "Clydesdale"

    Happy Halloween, you're a lovely bunch of coconuts.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    In college, I used to boat sit, and started dating the girl next door. But eventually we drifted apart.
  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,456 Member
    piggy_smalls wrote: »
    In college, I used to boat sit, and started dating the girl next door. But eventually we drifted apart.

    You are wayyyy too good at these :D
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    I haven't spoken to my wife in years.

    I didn't want to interrupt her.

    - Rodney Dangerfield
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

    - Rodney D.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.

    He told me to wear a brown tie.

    - Rodney D.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    It's tough to stay married.

    My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

    - R.D.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out.

    I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

    - R.D.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.

    Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

    - Steven Wright
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.

    They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

    - Steven Wright
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    edited November 2020
    I went to San Francisco.

    I found someone's heart.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6DUwMnDxEs
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    edited November 2020
    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".

    So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.



    mbb8ta3m1i7m.png


    - S.W.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.

    The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

    - S.W.
  • hawkeye45_
    hawkeye45_ Posts: 812 Member
    I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a lady who would be really upset if she heard me say that.
  • drmwc
    drmwc Posts: 1,051 Member
    Albert Einstein had a brother called Frank.

    He was a monster.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    My aunt is a smoker and loves David Bowie. We call her Ciggy Stardust.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    hawkeye45_ wrote: »
    I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a lady who would be really upset if she heard me say that.

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  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    I've got this weird fetish for figuring things out. Matter of fact, I just came to that conclusion.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with a mad cow?

    Two animals in a baaaaad moooood.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    My ex tried to humiliate me in front of her friends by saying I was bad in bed. You should've seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.
  • piggy_smalls
    piggy_smalls Posts: 1,771 Member
    I'm pissed at my neighbor. He keeps playing Lionel Richie at max volume. Normally I wouldn't mind but it's been All Night Long.

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