Dad Jokes/Bad Jokes...

Diatonic12

I couldn't remember where I hid my boomerang...

And then it hit me.

Miss_Chiev0us

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

Diatonic12

I'm reading a book on the history of glue.

I just can't seem to put it down.

glassyo

What did the flags say to each other?

Nothing. They just waved.

ermengarde22

iMago wrote: »

you know what the worst thing about wearing crocs is?

when its raining outside your socks get wet

FeelinFooFoo wrote: »

iMago wrote: »

you know what the worst thing about wearing crocs is?

when its raining outside your socks get wet

But this isn't a joke is it ?

This is just what happened to you today, isn't it ??

Diatonic12

Yesterday, I saw a man spill all of his scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, "So what's the word on the street?"

Diatonic12

A woman in labor shouted, "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't! "

"Don't Worry, said the Doc." Those are just contractions.

B_Plus_Effort

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

Diatonic12

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whiskey and....... coke."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure. I was born with them."

Diatonic12

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Diatonic12

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

piggy_smalls

I don't mean to brag but I just put a puzzle together in one day! And the box said 2-4 years, ha!

Diatonic12

I don't trust stairs.

They're always UP to something.

Diatonic12

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

Diatonic12

What's the best way to watch a fishing tournament?

Live stream.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwRrKaq0IyY&list=PLE0A43174444193E3&index=39

piggy_smalls

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.

piggy_smalls

Why is it a good idea to keep libraries in prisons? Because the prose outweigh the cons.

piggy_smalls

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by it's diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

Diatonic12

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...

They would be called cellfies

Diatonic12

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

Diatonic12

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums

I need HELP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4KvafPbauw

alteredsteve175

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

It's easy. Unique up on it.


How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way. Unique up on it.

Diatonic12

Every time a bell rings my dog comes out swinging.

He's a boxer.

Diatonic12

"If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything."
So of course a young boy goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy".
The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 200 bucks and says "Please don't tell daddy".
Then the bell rings, and the kid opens the door to find the mailman outside. The kid tells him "I know about it all".
The mailman happily drops the package he's holding and yells "Well say hello to daddy!

Diatonic12

Someone in my family smarted off to the kids. Ooo, look kids, here comes your father. It was the Schwann man. He said that man is here more than I am. The kids all started crying and bawling their heads off, then he gave them each a popsicle.

piggy_smalls

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

Diatonic12

Too bad you can't get abs from laughing at your own jokes.

I'd have a 10 pack.

Diatonic12

If Elon Musk has bodyguards and doesn't name them Musketeers...

He's missing a golden opportunity.

Diatonic12

What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

Put it on my bill.

Diatonic12

How often do you like jokes about elements?

Periodically.