What’s a red flag for you?
Replies
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I don’t think anything (aside from evil) is a red flag for me, I don’t expect things to always go smoothly. I can’t be hurt then.
I was like that too for the longest time, until I made myself start having faith in people outside myself. Sometimes they may let you down, yes, but the "fail safe" is always there as a cautionary tool to revert to automatically . The pain is less severe when you are prepped for the worst possible eventuality. Hugs.3 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.
I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.
Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.
Yeah I don’t look at it as a guy owes me, just a standard for how I want to be treated well. I don’t expect gifts and I am very appreciative.
Agree with you.
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An excessive use of selfie filters is not acceptable.8
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GymGoddessGoals wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I don't see those things as something expected so much as chivalry. Equality is one thing. However, being a gentleman is another. If you ask me out for dinner, then yes you should pay for dinner. Vice versa; if I asked you out then the expense of the date belongs to me. Chivalry also goes both ways. That is equality.
If we are walking into a building together then it's chivalrous to hold the door and allow me to walk in first. I don't need to be treated like a queen and I certainly wouldn't think I am owed those things. However, I wouldn't likely continue seeing a person who doesn't do these things. And I certainly would not go on a 2nd date with someone who asked me out but then expected that I paid half of the expenses for the date.
This👆 ... There are always chivalrous men out there who prefer to pay even if you ask them out. They're wired to not let a woman pay.5 -
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I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)7 -
CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.2 -
When they pathologically lie about having several diseases and illnesses and I find them constantly contradicting what they have previously said. Yeah a big fat red flag.
But then if someone can lie about having cancer you got to wonder wth else they lie about.10 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
Yeah, but if I am doing all the work to keep the interaction going... that's a statement. A couple of times I can see but if every interaction begins only because I made the contact, that's a huge red flag and I have to assume that person is not truly interested.4 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
Yeah, but if I am doing all the work to keep the interaction going... that's a statement. A couple of times I can see but if every interaction begins only because I made the contact, that's a huge red flag and I have to assume that person is not truly interested.
yep yep yep.
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your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
It's a hard balance for sure, but when it seems that I'm the only one trying to keep a connection alive, stepping back and seeing if they reach out is quite a good way to check if they're actually interested.
Maybe this is the reason why I don't have many friends 😅I'm good at giving up on people.3 -
CitrusMaiden wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
It's a hard balance for sure, but when it seems that I'm the only one trying to keep a connection alive, stepping back and seeing if they reach out is quite a good way to check if they're actually interested.
Maybe this is the reason why I don't have many friends 😅I'm good at giving up on people.
I’ve been accused of that.1 -
When you consistently take more from a relationship than you give to it.
I get that we all have bad days/weeks/whatever where we need a bit more or don't have as much to give... but if there's not some semblance of balance over time, then I'm over it. And no relationship is exempt from that.4 -
CitrusMaiden wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
It's a hard balance for sure, but when it seems that I'm the only one trying to keep a connection alive, stepping back and seeing if they reach out is quite a good way to check if they're actually interested.
Maybe this is the reason why I don't have many friends 😅I'm good at giving up on people.
I don't think its "giving up", if they were never really interested in the first place.... more like making room for better friends. haha2 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
Yeah, but if I am doing all the work to keep the interaction going... that's a statement. A couple of times I can see but if every interaction begins only because I made the contact, that's a huge red flag and I have to assume that person is not truly interested.
Or maybe just not a morning person?0 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
Yeah, but if I am doing all the work to keep the interaction going... that's a statement. A couple of times I can see but if every interaction begins only because I made the contact, that's a huge red flag and I have to assume that person is not truly interested.
Or maybe just not a morning person?
Sorry, I'm not a morning person and I still don't see your connection.1 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
Yeah, but if I am doing all the work to keep the interaction going... that's a statement. A couple of times I can see but if every interaction begins only because I made the contact, that's a huge red flag and I have to assume that person is not truly interested.
Or maybe just not a morning person?
Sorry, I'm not a morning person and I still don't see your connection.
Only that if you wake up every day at 7am raring to go, and the other person wakes up at 10 and can't function until they've had coffee, the sheer nature of the difference schedules/preferences will make you more apt to initiate conversation most days.
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CitrusMaiden wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
It's a hard balance for sure, but when it seems that I'm the only one trying to keep a connection alive, stepping back and seeing if they reach out is quite a good way to check if they're actually interested.
Maybe this is the reason why I don't have many friends 😅I'm good at giving up on people.
I don't think its "giving up", if they were never really interested in the first place.... more like making room for better friends. haha
That's one way to see it! 😁I'm generally quite good at leaving people behind when I realise that they're not good energy, but I think that's because I don't get attached easily (I can honestly only remember one person, that wasn't family, that I have gotten attached to, and that built up between age 8-12). It's a blessing and a curse, but as an optimistic, introverted loner, it's probably more of a blessing.0 -
CitrusMaiden wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
It's a hard balance for sure, but when it seems that I'm the only one trying to keep a connection alive, stepping back and seeing if they reach out is quite a good way to check if they're actually interested.
Maybe this is the reason why I don't have many friends 😅I'm good at giving up on people.
I don't think its "giving up", if they were never really interested in the first place.... more like making room for better friends. haha
That's one way to see it! 😁I'm generally quite good at leaving people behind when I realise that they're not good energy, but I think that's because I don't get attached easily (I can honestly only remember one person, that wasn't family, that I have gotten attached to, and that built up between age 8-12). It's a blessing and a curse, but as an optimistic, introverted loner, it's probably more of a blessing.
I tend to be the same, except for the optimistic part.
I spent far too long being far to attached to the wrong people. Now I tend to be more distant and self-contained. It can be pretty lonely at times, but it's better than the alternative.2 -
this is what makes me nervous because if people say “yes, it’s fine, i like hearing from you” but then don’t at least match my effort some of the time i think they’re just being polite or are afraid to tell the truth or whatever.tinkerhellraiser wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
oh no there’s so many other reasons people could be not texting u back or not texting first
they could be overwhelmed with work & life or if they are depressed or got anxiety they could be afraid of being a burden or withdrawing in general
like if u dont feel happy with someone or dont like talking to them, then ya dont reach out but tit-for-tat in who sends messages or calls first is dumb imo
eta: and i’m saying that as someone who is in the middle of withdrawing as we speak and trying hard not to1 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
Yeah, but if I am doing all the work to keep the interaction going... that's a statement. A couple of times I can see but if every interaction begins only because I made the contact, that's a huge red flag and I have to assume that person is not truly interested.
Or maybe just not a morning person?
Sorry, I'm not a morning person and I still don't see your connection.
Only that if you wake up every day at 7am raring to go, and the other person wakes up at 10 and can't function until they've had coffee, the sheer nature of the difference schedules/preferences will make you more apt to initiate conversation most days.
Again, if I am beginning "every" interaction regardless of the time of day then you certainly cannot expect me to continue doing so. Not being a morning person has nothing to do with my statements.1 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
Yeah, but if I am doing all the work to keep the interaction going... that's a statement. A couple of times I can see but if every interaction begins only because I made the contact, that's a huge red flag and I have to assume that person is not truly interested.
Or maybe just not a morning person?
Sorry, I'm not a morning person and I still don't see your connection.
Only that if you wake up every day at 7am raring to go, and the other person wakes up at 10 and can't function until they've had coffee, the sheer nature of the difference schedules/preferences will make you more apt to initiate conversation most days.
Again, if I am beginning "every" interaction regardless of the time of day then you certainly cannot expect me to continue doing so. Not being a morning person has nothing to do with my statements.
Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm not making my point well, or if I'm missing the bigger issue.
My point was simply that there are a number of circumstances that could lead to one person being far more apt to initiate conversation far more often than the other. The morning person thing was just one such example, but there are lots of reasons why it might happen that have nothing to do with affection or strength of the relationship.
But I agree that if it's ALWAYS one person ALL OF THE TIME, then that's probably not a good sign. Either the other person doesn't care as much, or doesn't have as much time/energy to put into the relationship.1 -
when ole girl want them texts ASAP first thing in the morning- ya'll know what it means
it's okay guys, i see ya'll out there nodding your heads in agreement you ain't got to say nothing we all been there before.3 -
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tinkerhellraiser wrote: »
oh no there’s so many other reasons people could be not texting u back or not texting first
they could be overwhelmed with work & life or if they are depressed or got anxiety they could be afraid of being a burden or withdrawing in general
like if u dont feel happy with someone or dont like talking to them, then ya dont reach out but tit-for-tat in who sends messages or calls first is dumb imo
I certainly understand this. We all go through this. And I wouldn't say that I am tit-for-tat on the subject. However, it is easily noticeable when a person is never the first to reach out. There is generally some give and take in any relationship.
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GymGoddessGoals wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CitrusMaiden wrote: »I'm not really looking for a partner, but red flags can be a general thing with friends as well:
- people who constantly talk about their issues (make them sound massive as well) but refuse to listen to any advice. To them everything is "useless" and their life is just supposed to be hell
- people that plan out activities, make you put it in the calendar etc, and then when it's supposed to take place, never show up or even inform you that they weren't coming
- people who get upset when your first priority isn't to say hello to them after getting home from a trip
I could probably think of more, but these are the ones that have stuck in my memory. None of these people remained as my friends for that long after these incidents (that were repeated).
Another, not the same category:
- when you are always the one sending the first text (I've stopped texting first after noticing this with people, and just like that, I've lost maybe 4 "friends". This one is more a sign of the friendship not being that valued from the other side, or maybe not being viewed as a friendship at all, and for that reason, it's more of a "letting go" and not an actual red flag)
That last one still gets me. Because I don’t want to be a needy pest but I also don’t want to keep score or play games at all.
Yeah, but if I am doing all the work to keep the interaction going... that's a statement. A couple of times I can see but if every interaction begins only because I made the contact, that's a huge red flag and I have to assume that person is not truly interested.
Or maybe just not a morning person?
Sorry, I'm not a morning person and I still don't see your connection.
Only that if you wake up every day at 7am raring to go, and the other person wakes up at 10 and can't function until they've had coffee, the sheer nature of the difference schedules/preferences will make you more apt to initiate conversation most days.
Again, if I am beginning "every" interaction regardless of the time of day then you certainly cannot expect me to continue doing so. Not being a morning person has nothing to do with my statements.
Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm not making my point well, or if I'm missing the bigger issue.
My point was simply that there are a number of circumstances that could lead to one person being far more apt to initiate conversation far more often than the other. The morning person thing was just one such example, but there are lots of reasons why it might happen that have nothing to do with affection or strength of the relationship.
But I agree that if it's ALWAYS one person ALL OF THE TIME, then that's probably not a good sign. Either the other person doesn't care as much, or doesn't have as much time/energy to put into the relationship.
I completely get your point. My point is aside of any number of circumstance as you state; its a red flag if every time, always, all of the time, its a one sided initiation of interaction.2 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »tinkerhellraiser wrote: »
oh no there’s so many other reasons people could be not texting u back or not texting first
they could be overwhelmed with work & life or if they are depressed or got anxiety they could be afraid of being a burden or withdrawing in general
like if u dont feel happy with someone or dont like talking to them, then ya dont reach out but tit-for-tat in who sends messages or calls first is dumb imo
I certainly understand this. We all go through this. And I wouldn't say that I am tit-for-tat on the subject. However, it is easily noticeable when a person is never the first to reach out. There is generally some give and take in any relationship.
I usually walk away when it's someone I am dating and it's been 3 weeks of me always being the one reaching out and him only responding when I do, but always having excuses to not see me. (this happened to me twice this year....)
For a friend, I will give it a few months to see if this is just bad timing or the normal behavior. After a few months, if I am the only one initiating anything, I'm out. It's too much work for someone who apparently isn't interested.
3 -
mattig89ch wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible.
Wow. Lol.
What?seltzermint555 wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.
I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.
Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.CoffeeAndContour wrote: »seltzermint555 wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.
I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.
Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.
I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.
I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.
Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.3
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