Wrong answers ONLY!

cmsienk

- Be fully caffeinated before making any major decision
- When in doubt, take a nap
- Avoid pickles
There must be more, but I'm going to have a cup of coffee and take a nap first...

Would anyone else like to chime in with some of their personal core values to help Cat out with her school assignment?

frankwbrown

@Cat0703a , I second @cmsienk's core values, and I will elaborate and add to them:

• Be fully caffeinated before making any major decision. Be at least half-caffeinated before making any minor decision.
• When in doubt, take a nap; if that doesn't help, take a couple more.
• Avoid pickles like the plague.
• Generosity core value: Always make a disingenuous offer to others, before eating all the ice cream.
• Sharing core value: Never be too hasty in doing something that needs to be done; give others the chance to do it first.
• Work ethic core value: Best expressed as "I love work. I can sit and watch it for hours."
• Time management core value: Never do anything before it absolutely has to get done (see also Sharing above).

What other core values are there to consider, I wonder?

nossmf

• Generosity addendum: be generous with the ice cream flavors you don't like. Speak loudly of your generosity to be sure it's noted.
  
• Sharing credit: I cannot accept all the credit for the team's success. Me and myself were equal contributors.
  
• Accepting blame: when something goes wrong, make sure the guilty party is identified and accepts the blame so the team can move on without the loser
  
• Fiscal core value: save money whenever possible by eating cheap, highly-processed fast food burgers and pizza rather than expensive sit-down restaurant offerings.
  
• Parental core value: equally share the responsibility of raising your children with your significant other. You are in charge of showing the angels how to celebrate life, he/she is in charge of teaching the imps responsibility.

How do you know when it's time to accept defeat in an argument?

cmsienk

It depends with whom you're arguing:

A. If it's your spouse, never accept defeat. This is not a partnership, two-way street relationship, blah, blah, blah. Dig your heels in until your opponent spouse gives in. But be civil; you have to sleep next to this person.

B. If it's your boss (manager, supervisor, client), see A. above. They are not the boss of you. Also, people with titles like 'manager' are thrilled when you repeatedly let them know how wrong they are. Colorful language is acceptable in this case.

C. If it's the IRS (tax authority), don't bother arguing with them. You're in the right and you know it. Ignore their letters and phone calls; don't engage. They'll realize by your non-response that they must be in the wrong.

D. If it's any company's Customer Service department and you're arguing about bad service, a payment, something broken or not delivered - give in immediately. There is no good service, you probably owe double, it'll never be fixed or replaced and your spouse accepted the delivery. You know she did - you should start an argument about it.

I still haven't donated those books. My excuse was the cold weather last week. For some reason I'm having trouble parting with them. How do I stop procrastinating?

frankwbrown

It's easy to stop procrastinating, but don't be in too much of a hurry to do so. I would recommend formulating a plan first. But don't do that today, do it tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever. There's no rush; time is just a concept.

Is there a quick and easy way to get caught up on all the chores I've been avoiding while I've been exercising my tail off?

nossmf

Do you have any phobias? Combine your phobia with those books, and you'll have no trouble letting them go in no time. For example, if you have arachnophobia (fear of spiders), put the box of books in an area infested with lots of webs overnight. If you have acrophobia (fear of heights) then place a tall ladder against the side of your house and climb as high as you can while both hands are holding the box of books. I guarantee you, in both cases, your interest in holding onto the box of books won't last long!

Grumble...simultaneous posting...grumble...

The fastest way to get caught up on chores which are your responsibility is to make them no longer your responsibility. Suggest to your spouse/roommate that, in the interest of keeping chores fresh and interesting, effective immediately you swap chores for the next week. As soon as they catch up on your their chores, demand to swap back to the ones you know how to do.

My kids don't believe my stories about growing up without the internet. How can I make them understand what it was like?

Cat0703a

Send them to a remote location without access to wifi or data, with a set of encyclopedias, a Walkman, and a rotary phone. I think they’ll learn to appreciate how lucky they are (recognize your pain) pretty quick. I recommend that you leave them there a couple of weeks at a minimum to ensure it’s a memory that lasts a lifetime.

I finally came home so I could eat but still need to work for a few hours more. What should I pack for my desk so I don’t run into this hangry situation again?

Cat0703a

(P.S. this thread has been an awesome distraction that has provided many a laugh recently so thank you to all the posters here for keeping the wrong answers so weirdly delightful!!)

cmsienk

I have a melty ice cream cake you could pack in your desk. I also have it on good authority that you're a fan of pickles. You could add to your desk snack stash every pickle I have ever turned down. That's at least 4,000 pickles of multiple varieties. I also just finished making a double batch of bird's nest soup. You made it sound so appetizing (who doesn't love soup made from the dried spit of the Swiftlet) that I made extra and would love to share with you. No more hangry situations.

ETA: No need for containers for any of that. Just throw it all loose in your desk. The flavors will be great all mixed together and just think how that will add to the usefulness of your office supplies!

How many friends should one have?

JolieSvelte

As many as you need to feel validated as a human being. This is usually reflected in the amount of friends you have on Facebook. Someone with the maximum 5,000 friends feels fully validated and worthy of being alive. Someone who is only friends with the maybe 25 people they actually know in real life will likely feel incredibly worthless. Acquiring friends should be at the top of the list of priorities so that one will always know that they are a loveable human being. Otherwise, it may be difficult to see the point in anything.

What should I do to acquire quality friendships?

s1im62

Talk to everyone you can about the important things in life like exploring pickle varieties, watching Netflix, and obsessing over your fantasy league NBA team. Only the truly quality friends will not disappear when you're in the vicinity, and those are the keepers. The only downside is that they will tend to talk about their own interests occasionally, which can be quite boring.

I was working in my attic today and it's hard to work efficiently because it's very cramped up there. How can I fix that?

cmsienk

Have you ever heard of an open air attic? Acquire something that could blow a large hole in your attic. Don't ask me what or where to get it - that's not the question I'm answering here. I suggest searching the internet for how much is necessary to blow off a roof - and then doubling that just to make sure.
Using your acquired contraband, take care of that pesky roof and voila! No more cramped space. You can now stand up in your attic to get your work done efficiently. Bonus - no more stuffy attic air - you'll have lots of fresh air up there now.

I'm looking for a handyman to get some work done around my house. Where's the best place to find someone reputable?

JolieSvelte

Go to Craigslist first, and pay $10 to post an ad in their "gigs" section. If you are offering at least $15 per hour your email inbox will be inundated with jobless, carless, and likely homeless people who might have experience hammering nails or unclogging drains, but will certainly have experience combating any pest problem you might have such as rats and cockroaches. If they have no experience they will do anything you ask them for a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of Jim Beam.

How can I get an extremely well-built and gorgeous man to date me? Note: I am overweight.

nossmf

Move to Samoan islands
Place a Craigslist ad

The easiest way is to go to any standard bar 30 minutes before closing and, using a megaphone, declare you will "date" the strongest man in the room. Then step back and watch the desperately lonely drunkards contest amongst themselves for your hand, and observe who's left standing after the ruckus dies down. Whether you deem this person gorgeous or not will depend on how long the row takes, thus how many drinks you've had a chance to down yourself while waiting.

I just put in a 14 hour day at the office, and am leaving for home at 11pm (true story). How late do you think I can get away with arriving to work tomorrow?

Cat0703a

Gosh, here I was thinking my day was long yesterday!! While I honestly feel for you, @nossmf I’m wondering why you aren’t up at 3:32am considering if you should tackle work now (true story here). You are entirely wrong thinking you should get to go in late tomorrow.

How many hours should nosmmf and I each work today?

frankwbrown

I don't know how many hours exactly you should work today, but it definitely shouldn't be over 24 hours. I would pledge to swim, in solidarity with you, an equal number of hours, but only if you limit your workday to no more than an hour and a half. One hour would be better. Fifteen minutes wouldn't be enough.

I have a doctor's appointment this morning. What is he going to tell me?

JolieSvelte

You need a colonoscopy immediately. Colonic hydrotherapy beforehand is recommended. Please do not eat fibrous foods or consume any laxatives 24 hours before your appointment, but make sure to have a bowel movement the morning of. Instead of being anxious, try to enjoy the experience.

What should I do as a side hustle? Note: I have sales experience.

cmsienk

I suggest starting a TMI website, encouraging people everywhere to divulge way too much personal information about themselves. Popular topics could include their dating and hygiene habits, information from their medical appointments, where they hide the spare key to their home and of course, all their passwords. You should be able to charge quite a premium for this as most people are clamoring to share personal details about themselves and their private lives.

How do you deal with an over-sharer?

nossmf

Hire a computer hacker to crash their TMI website.

Seems every website wants a password these days, from the bank to the grocery store. How can I remember all these passwords?

cmsienk

First - change all your current passwords to the same password and use it for everything. I'm surprised you don't already do this. Of course, you'll want to make it easy to remember, so I suggest your first name and the numbers 1-2-3-4. In case your memory is really bad, write your password down and post it everywhere you might use it - on your work and home computers, the TV, your phone case, steering wheel and back door come to mind. Use brightly colored sticky notes or better yet, a business card.

You'll also want to post your password in public places where you might use your phone or laptop. For instance, every grocery store bulletin board within 100 miles of your home, the waiting room at the auto service center, the post office... anywhere you go at least once a year. You can also choose to post it electronically. You know, on Facebook, Twitter, Craigslist... And don't forget to tell your kids and have them post it electronically.

May I also suggest changing your user name to your password on every site you visit. So, assuming Mork is your first name, for MFP, that would be changing both your user name and password from nossmf to Mork1234. This also solves the dilemma of needing eight characters, one capital letter, one number, etc. (If you need a special character, use the period at the end.) 😉 Problem solved.

I know people who are allergic to cats, which is pretty common. Do you know of any uncommon allergies?

frankwbrown

I've heard it's uncommon to be allergic to pickles and/or mustard. Personally, I don't believe it. I suspect 11 out of 10 people are allergic, even if they're unaware of it. It's probably uncommon to be allergic to air, as opposed to particles in the air, unless there are indeed life forms on other planets who don't much care for oxygen, hydrogen or nitrogen, in which case that might not be uncommon at all. I'm drawing a blank. Perhaps someone else knows of a couple, though how uncommon can it be if people know about it?

Assuming one has an uncommon allergy, what can one do about it?

nossmf

It's all in your head. You overcome your fears by facing your fears. Same principle applies here...overcome your allergies by facing your allergies. Show them who's boss. Immerse yourself in copious amounts of whatever it is you're allergic to, and then it's a case of mind over matter. Personally, I'm allergic to large amounts of cash, especially 20's and 100's, so if anybody wants to help me out of my allergy by delivering large amounts of my specific allergen, I'll be forever grateful.

How come alcohol is limited to adults if it makes adults act like children?

frankwbrown

Children already act like children, so it would be wasted on them.

I'm expecting the arrival of a friend who will be staying for several days. Is it best to tidy up a bit before he arrives, or should I let him see how much I haven't changed over the past couple years?

Cat0703a

Ummmm he’s staying, he cleans (and cooks)! 😆

I saw all the posts about friends yesterday, I think it was. How does one make friends in their 40s?

cmsienk

Play dates! Have your dad call another dad who has a kid around your age and set up a time for the two of you to get together. Do you like board games? Coloring books? Be sure to bring along your favourite treasures to show your new potential friend. No fighting and you must share. Make sure you have snacks. (I can give you my dad's number to give to yours. Hint, hint.)

How often do you wash your hair?

nossmf

I was going to say something about my receding hairline, but that would be cruel and insensitive. So instead I'll say it varies by time of year how often we wash our hare (you misspelled it, by the way). In the summer when his coat is already brown, it's hard to tell the difference from the dirt he enjoys hiding in, so we just spray him with a hose every couple weeks. But in the winter when his fur turns white as snow, every little bit of dirt verily screams for attention, so it's a daily bath for Mr. Long Ears. Our dog thinks this is hilarious, and often sits by the side of the tub observing. As I'm writing this I can see him grabbing carrots and parsley from the fridge to bring to the bathtub for Mr. Long Ears to nibble on, as well as turning up the heat to offset the lower temperatures outside. Our dog is so considerate of others.

Speaking of dogs, way back in history our caveman ancestors tamed wolves to become man's best friend. I wonder what cavewomen had in mind to become woman's best friend...do you know?

cmsienk

The transporter. Cavewomen were sick and tired of gathering, cooking without a working stove and bad coffee. Those cave drawings were the beginning plans of a transporter that could whisk them away to running water, electricity, lattes and pedicures. (You know - the necessities.)

Has anyone seen my key fob? It's been lost for a month. I drove home, so it's here somewhere, but I'm running out of places to look for it. I'd rather find it than replace it, as a new one will cost me $350.

np33441

Knitting sweaters out of eyelashes.
What's the last book you read?

cmsienk

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Now that I've gotten the nonsense answer, does anyone have a wrong answer to where my key fob might be?

awesomesue

Long live Leon the Lobster!

Why is rootbeer so delicious?