Wrong answers ONLY!

nossmf

This example is why you don't construct your PBJ until right before you're ready to eat it. By keeping the bread, peanut butter and jelly in separate containers, you retain options. For example, in this scenario you could construct a PB-only sandwich and drink the jelly directly from the jar. As a bonus, once the jelly jar is empty, you now have a convenient holder for whatever drinks the plane does happen to have in stock. Trust me, you haven't lived until you experience cheap champagne drunk out of a (mostly) empty jelly jar at 30 thousand feet.

Our workplace drinking fountain is out of commission due to somebody attempting to pour coffee grounds into the drain and clogging the pipes. This has happened several times in the last month. The big boss wants somebody's head on a platter, and I'd rather it not be mine. Since I never drink coffee, I know it's not me, but I'm at a loss whether I should assist in the investigation or keep my head down until this all blows over. Any advice? (True story, btw.)

Cat0703a

You should hang out for your entire shift every day at this water fountain and chit chat with all that use it. Your boss won’t mind your drop in productivity since you with either catch the culprit or save him the constant repair of the pipes. You’ll have to work on your office small talk since you are now the official water cooler chit chatter.

I’ve been practicing for my duet and future new career as singer all day. Thank you for the advice!! My new boss was less than thrilled when I told her she may need to repost my job so soon but I’m certain she’ll get over it once she gets front row tickets to see the great @nossmf and the former politician in their warm up acts.

It’s finally feeling like fall (autumn) here after a long late summer. Soon it will be months of grey sky and rain. How do I avoid the winter blues that come from this blah weather?

Mtn_hikin

Just wear shorts all year round. If it’s cold you can add a hoodie but commit to shorts.

How can we include more bacon in the comments ?

frankwbrown

Have you not heard of the new bacon-tinted sunglasses? Through the miracle of modern optics and artificial intelligence, these glasses will randomly replace words in your visual field with bacon. You can adjust the percentage of words to be randomly replaced, depending on your preferences. Technically, this bacon through bacon bacon and so bacon end result. The inventor has filed a bacon, and intends to license bacon to bacon bacon.

Why is it still Thursday where I am, and yet it is Friday elsewhere?

nossmf

Whoa...through the power of bacon, you have discovered time travel! Either that, or you've eaten a bad batch of bacon which has induced hallucinations. But since there's no such thing as bad bacon, it must be the first option.

My fantasy football team is doomed to a losing season since almost 2/3 of my players are injured. How can I predict which NFL players will get injured so I don't add them to my team next year?

frankwbrown

As one who has never played fantasy football, I can offer you expert advice:
Obviously, predicting player injuries is challenging to say the least. Until someone understands chaos theory sufficiently to apply it in computing the effect of chaos on football, you'll need to apply a little guesswork. So, let's minimize risk: the less a player plays, the less chance of their injury, so build your team from bench warmers. Bench warmers should remain fairly injury-free. Alternatively, build your team to consist exclusively of kickers. A team consisting of bench warmers and kickers is your best bet for an injury-free season.
(You may need to tweak this strategy a bit if your goal is to win, but this is a good starting point.)

How much candy should I buy, and what kind, in anticipation of Halloween?

paperpudding

But who really wants the little blighters coming knocking at your door?

They will whether you like it or not this year - so strategy is to avoid them coming next year. If they have such a bad experience this year they will spread word to avoid your place next year - doesn't matter what sort of candy you buy - but I suggest lacing with some sort of emetic.

timing is crucial here - you dont want it acting so fast that the kids vomit on your porch or even your front yard but you want it fast enough that they know it was candy from you.

you may need to experiment a bit first - try out different amounts on work colleagues or family members first.
teenage children or mothers in laws are good candidates



I am having a bbq today but it is starting to rain.
Are there any rain dances in reverse that can halt this water in its tracks?

nossmf

My first thought was for you to invite me to dance at your BBQ, because my dancing is guaranteed to drive ANYTHING away...rain, ex-girlfriends, future-girlfriends, mosquitos, extraterrestrials, weird uncles named Steve... But unfortunately, I've already been asked to crash @cmsienk's party and start dancing when it's time for everybody to go home. In my absence, perhaps you could play a video of me dancing with the screen pointing upwards towards the rain.

Why am I able to think of several intelligent questions to ask in this thread when I'm offline doing something else, but when I have the opportunity to post one of them here, my mind often forgets the question until AFTER I have posted something far more inane?

_Dan1985

@nossmf The reason you are only able to think of intelligent questions when you are offline is clearly because you aren't spending enough time on the internet. You need to move into a basement apartment, no windows or sources of natural light. Next stop all exercise, and strictly no healthy food whatsoever. We need you on a diet of cheetos, full sugar cola and little else for maximum focus. Spend at least 15 hours a day online, especially on sites like 4chan and reddit. I am led to believe that people who spend all of their time on those sites, arguing about politics and gaming are by far the most intelligent and witty that the world has to offer. You'll soon be able to think of the best questions for this thread if you follow those simple steps.

I'm thinking of going camping before the weather gets too cold, what are some essentials to take with me that are often overlooked for such trips?

cmsienk

People always forget to bring slower friends 😉 for any bears that might be encountered while camping. Make sure you load up on those before you go.

I'm just leaving a baby shower for my nephew and his wife where we ate food, watched presents being opened and played a few standard baby shower games (word unscramble, bingo, etc). Those games, while better than nothing to pass the time, could use an overhaul. Any good suggestions?

Cat0703a

How about “guess the number of stretch marks” or pin the tail on the baby? What mother to be wouldn’t appreciate such thoughtful games.

I’ll be on a ferry shortly for approximately 2 hours in order to get home. What should I do while on my “cruise”?

_Dan1985

Cat0703a wrote: »

How about “guess the number of stretch marks” or pin the tail on the baby? What mother to be wouldn’t appreciate such thoughtful games.

I’ll be on a ferry shortly for approximately 2 hours in order to get home. What should I do while on my “cruise”?

Y'know I don't think I've ever heard of piracy aboard a ferry, you could be a trailblazer. Head for the bridge, seize control then set course for open waters. A life of piracy on the high seas awaits.

As my parents get older, they often struggle with modern technology. What would be a good, old-person friendly gadget I could get them this Christmas?

cmsienk

May I suggest a new slide rule and abacus for your parents? These can be used to illustrate their colorful stories told during Christmas dinner. "You know, back in my day..." (Also, there may or may not be a fellow MFPer who can tell you where to pick up these vintage Christmas gifts.) Cough cough @frankwbrown.
🤣😇

I had the craziest dream last night but 15 minutes after I woke up I couldn't remember a thing about it. Are you able to remember your dreams? If so, what's your trick for being able to do so?

paperpudding

The trick is to wake your partner immediatly you wake up - better yet, in that twilight zone when you are not yet fully awake and ask him/her an aggressive question.

If it is , for example, 3 am, you can then go peacefully back to sleep and your partner can remember the details for you in the morning.

Incidentally this suggestion is based on a true story - Paperpudding had a dream about her husband cutting down all the trees on our property and, half awake, woke him at 3 am to demand why he had done so.


What should you do if your partner brings up the suggestion of separate bedrooms?

asking for a friend

cmsienk

Tell your friend to tell his or her partner he or she is more than willing to agree to separate bedrooms as long as they are in separate domiciles... and (let's just assume your "friend" is a woman) she gets to pick the location of her domicile. I'd go with somewhere exotic - like Fiji.

What was your first job out of high school?

_Dan1985

I wanted to be a pirate but instead volunteered at the local circus, my job was to be fired out of a cannon. I landed on my head but as far I'm concerned, I'm absolutely fine and not at all whacky.

What's an exotic but unusual location to visit next summer?

Cat0703a

I think Cheadle, Alberta, Canada would be an interesting choice. One definition of exotic is “strikingly unusual or strange in effect or appearance”. While I’m not exactly sure where you are from, I’m fairly certain you do not have a 5m tall statue of a hand holding a Cheeto complete with cheese dust on the fingers.

I’m planning on winning the lottery next week. How should I spend my millions?

_Dan1985

I heard that pyramid schemes and Herbalife are fabulous ways of making easy money; just buy a few million dollars of their 'fat melting tea' for resale and you'll double your money in no time. Failing that, I think you should invest the money in diverse holdings, I believe the startup company 'Dan's retirement fund financial holdings will gladly make your money work for you! and absolutely not buy a yacht in the Carribean.

Okay, so I had to Google the statue, that is sensational! I am from Cornwall in the far west of England, it's quirky here too, but you're absolutely right, there's no such statue.

What's a good way to endear myself to the Canadian locals when I'm there?

Cat0703a

Oh it’s really simple. Ask where the igloos we live in are and call us American. You’ll have new friends galore!!

What should else should Dan do when visiting Canada?

cmsienk

I've heard it's a law that visitors to Canada must participate in the annual bathtub race while drinking the national drink (which includes clam juice) so Dan should be prepared to participate or face jail time.

I'm wearing my gray suede wingtip shoes today. Why are they called wingtips?

frankwbrown

Did you not find the magic button on the heel that causes the wings to appear?
If not, you may have malfunctioning wingtips, in which case you should return the shoes and explain to them, in the most exasperated tone possible, just exactly why you are so upset. If they look at you with bewilderment, tell them you will accept 10 pairs of shoes of your choosing in lieu of a functioning pair of wingtips.

How many pairs of shoes does one need in these modern times?

_Dan1985

The answer to this question depends on who you ask, according to many of my ex girlfriends, no fewer than 56 pairs. Each pair representing an occasion or event that my primitive male brain could not forsee. I've noticed a trend however of men wearing sneakers with suits 🤮 - so it's possible that you only need the one pair; the sneakers will cover you for leisurewear, weddings, funerals, sports and gym!

What's a polite and gentlemanly way to turn down a date?

Cat0703a

I’m not a gentleman but I’m fairly certain the only way to do this politely is to move to another continent and tell her you have no plans to return. If she decides to follow you, I’m afraid you’ll probably need to marry her and hope she tires of you quickly. Let us know how that goes for you.

Speaking of shoes, tell us about your favourite pair and why they are.

_Dan1985

It's hard to choose because I have many pairs of shoes that I've stolen from the needy and deprived. It used to be a hobby of mine: In my possession I have a brand new pair of kicks that I took from the back of a truck full of overseas aid boxes and some scuffed up old boots that I removed from a sleeping hobo, but I suppose if I had to choose a favourite pair, it'd be the shoes that I took directly from Santa's sleigh at an altitude of 16,000ft over London on Christmas eve 2008. That bearded old man in the red suit puts up one hell of a fight when he's angry!

Were I to follow @Cat0703a 's stellar advice, and flee to another continent to avoid going on a date, where might be the best place to find a fake bride (and ideally fake family) I could masquerade with?

cmsienk

Didn't we establish earlier (or maybe that was in another thread 🤔) that you can get anything from Amazon? Look for the new filter where you are able to specify your preferences with regard to hair and eye color, height, age (not weight - no one gets to ask that), the number of children in your instant family, etc. The best part of all? If you're a Prime member, your new family will be shipped overnight to any address you provide.

Halloween is fast approaching. What's your favorite Halloween tradition?

nossmf

I'm always amazed by the generosity of the neighborhood kids bringing me candy. They ring my doorbell, hold out their bags, and ask, "Trick or Treat?" I always feel such a rush of warmth that they brought me treats as I reach into their bags and pick out something special. The looks on their faces as I close the door is priceless.

My teenage daughter has been invited to a Halloween party with her friends. Being a loving father, I plan to go with her as chaperone. What shall I wear? Should I have a costume to match hers so everyone will know we're there together, or will something else be more appropriate?

Cat0703a

I think you should dress as a scrapbook of her life complete with photos from the time she had bubbles on her head in the bath to the horrible braces pic, to the awkward haircut phase and everything in between. You’ll meet so many of her friends as they want to check out the photos more closely!!

I’m now one month into my new job and it seems like the right time to make it mine by making major changes. What should I change?

frankwbrown

Change EVERYTHING! The best way to endear yourself to your underlings is to fill them with shock and awe, so your changes should be surprising and totally inspired. So, for example, if you previously had a casual Friday dress code, you should change it to black tie and gown. If you have a conveniently located water dispenser, move it to the most inaccessible part of the office. And most importantly, if you have a break room, convert it to a fully equipped coffee bar complete with a full-time barista (on the company dime, of course).

Who else has more suggestions for Cat?

cmsienk

I think you should institute naptime as part of the day - much like preschool days. Remember how much energy you had then? I'm sure that's totally attributable to those afternoon naps. You can convert one of the larger offices into a space for this, complete with blackout curtains and little cots.

Anyone else?

nossmf

Point out to the boss how much productivity went DOWN after you started working there. Let him/her know that, for the good of the company, you are willing to NOT come to the office, and instead agree to be paid to remain home. He/she will be so amazed at your willingness to take responsibility for company profits slipping that you're sure to get a pay raise AND, by staying home, the rest of the staff will be so much more productive. Bonus all around!

My daughter's high school marching band team just competed at state, which also means their season is over. What shall she do with all the free time now that she won't have practice and weekly competitions for the rest of the school year?