Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

neplainjanepas

My husband and I have had conversations about this, and I have conveyed my concerns and yes have been honest. I told him that I see how self conscious he is. I told him that when we went to the beach this summer, it hurt me to see that he was battling himself and was ashamed to take his shirt off. When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. He is always creating obstacles for himself that don't exist--and in turn is gaining weight. Working nights, eating late and not pushing himself to go to the gym is all contributing to this weight gain.

I am a bodybuilder, and I have to understand that he has different fitness goals. But I don't know what to do to motivate him. I tried compassionately talking to him about this, and since he has become so insecure he keeps asking if I still find him attractive. On top of that, yesterday he didn't eat until 2300 hours. He was so hungry from battling this all day that he binge ate pizza and wings.
Im thinking about taking him to see someone, but I would love some advice on what I can do. I do love my Husband and am willing to stand by him through this, but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.

Help.

lsmsrbls

I feel so bad for your husband. If I felt like my partner found me undesirable I'd want to spend all day in bed hiding under the covers. No wonder he is self conscious, unsure of himself, and unmotivated!

I think the best way you can help him is probably to think about all the things you do love about him. Compliment him. Remind him how strong he is - it's not easy to quit smoking!

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Sassyallday

First, I will confirm that everyone I know who ever stopped smoking gained some weight at first. It's real. It's true.

To address this, I think the first thing that has to happen is an attitude adjustment- - -yours. If you are judging and rejecting him, it is going to show even when you may be selective in the words you use to talk with him. He can feel how you feel about him. And it amplifies all of the insecurity he feels about himself. I, too, encourage you to consider what you DO still love about him so that you can remind yourself and him to highlight those qualities rather then the ones you don't like and with which he is struggling right now.

I think the second thing that would help him would be for you to recognize that the way you manage weight may not work for him. Invite him to so something you know he likes. Maybe he'd like to take a walk with you- - -and hold your hand. Or go for a swim before the pools all close- - -with you hanging close by so everyone knows he's your man.

He has an obligation to accept and work on himself. But you really can affirm his effort by accepting and appreciating him as a work in progress with some qualities that are good and others that need work- - -as we all are.

YoBecca

I feel so bad for your husband.

I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair. This is clearly more than just a superficial issue, as the OP stated. When a person is out of control, using food in unhealthy ways, unable to change habits or unwilling to do so, it's more than just an "oh, that's icky" situation.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a body builder, and have not met my goals yet, but I bust my *kitten* daily to get my workouts in, to eat right, and to work towards those goals. It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.

RainHoward

leave him, it's the only way

cacklingcat

My hubby always is telling me it dosent matter what my what is but how healthy i am. It made me think and start this journey. maybe if you talk to him about haw you want him to be healthy so you can spend your long life together. Maybe you could get him to work out with you under the pretex of spending time together. Good luck I have always found men to be more sensitive about these things than women.:drinker:

Mcgrawhaha

yes, i gained an extra 40 pounds in 2 years after i quit smoking!

First, I will confirm that everyone I know who ever stopped smoking gained some weight at first. It's real. It's true.

To address this, I think the first thing that has to happen is an attitude adjustment- - -yours. If you are judging and rejecting him, it is going to show even when you may be selective in the words you use to talk with him. He can feel how you feel about him. And it amplifies all of the insecurity he feels about himself. I, too, encourage you to consider what you DO still love about him so that you can remind yourself and him to highlight those qualities rather then the ones you don't like and with which he is struggling right now.

I think the second thing that would help him would be for you to recognize that the way you manage weight may not work for him. Invite him to so something you know he likes. Maybe he'd like to take a walk with you- - -and hold your hand. Or go for a swim before the pools all close- - -with you hanging close by so everyone knows he's your man.

He has an obligation to accept and work on himself. But you really can affirm his effort by accepting and appreciating him as a work in progress with some qualities that are good and others that need work- - -as we all are.

neplainjanepas

I feel so bad for your husband.

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Less superficial?

I am not sure where you get off saying something like this. Especially when gaining large amounts of weight is not HEALTHY. How could I not be concerned for the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he is not eating well and healthy?
I posted on this forum to receive some true insight, and if finding a way to bully people online is how you feel better about yourself Im truly sorry for you.

ValerieMartini2Olives

I do not think you are superficial at all.
I think you are a concerned wife.

I wish I had advice to give.

Good luck.

neplainjanepas

I feel so bad for your husband.

I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair. This is clearly more than just a superficial issue, as the OP stated. When a person is out of control, using food in unhealthy ways, unable to change habits or unwilling to do so, it's more than just an "oh, that's icky" situation.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a body builder, and have not met my goals yet, but I bust my *kitten* daily to get my workouts in, to eat right, and to work towards those goals. It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.

Thank you for going to bat for me. Without a doubt this stems from a true concern for his health. On a cosmetic point; I only mention that he himself is not happy with the way he looks and for that I also raise my concern. Its hard to see the people we love feel this way and I definitely want to help them. Good luck you you Becca.

ChristinaR720

For 10 years, I was just like your husband. I gained a crazy amount of weight and was in complete denial about how fat and unattractive I had become. My husband has always been very athletic and in great shape, so I know it could not have been easy for him to be with me when he probably wasn't physically attracted to me at all. He did everything he could to encourage me to be more active and healthy, but I always had an excuse as to why I couldn't exercise or why I needed to eat more. Nothing he could have said or done would have made me want to lose weight. I had to want it for myself. It took me 10 years to get there, but once I finally set my mind to it, I worked my *kitten* off and made it happen.

Keep encouraging your husband to be more active and make better choices. Keep leading by example and he'll come around. It will take lots of patience on your part, but it will happen!

Madame_Goldbricker

You stated this is only one example of how he's not in control of his life currently. If there's other issues overshadowing him then weight gain is probably wrapped up in this. Dropping the smoking is a big positive step though. Maybe seek professional guidance through family therapy as a couple. From the sounds of it you both have frustrations you need to resolve & a mediator can be effective in not falling into the blame game routine.

RonnieLodge

Argh, sadly I am in the same boat - husband hides himself under long sleeve shirts all summer and it is upsetting to me to see that he obviously isn't feeling good about his physique and doesn't want to do some stuff because of that.

This has been a bug bear for a while. I don't bring in junk food and I request that he doesn't bring junk food into the house (so that I don't eat it). But he does and I think he also hides some of it (going by the empty packages in the trash).

He is really quite sensitive about it and I have tried approaching it from all the angles I can think of - telling him about books I have read and leaving them about for him to read, letting him know what I am doing eating wise and trying to arrange for us to sit down to meals together instead of eating in front of a computer/tv screen - but after plenty of disagreements, barbed comments and hurt feelings I figured the best thing I can do is try to lead by example.

Just trying to force the issue will make him feel resentful and you feel like a frustrated nag. No one wants to be the person watching what someone else is eating.

Now you have expressed your concern, it is matter of keeping schtum and waiting it out until he starts asking what you are doing that is making you happy, confident and energetic. It is a loooooong game. Luckily you have the rest of your lives to play it.

Sometimes it fcuks me right off, though.

peleroja

I feel for you, I do. Part of romantic love is physical attraction, and anyone who denies that is deluding themselves. Yes, personality plays a big part, but it can't completely override biological impulse. Nor should it have to.

My boyfriend is super fit and really enjoys exercise and healthy eating- his dad runs marathons and does triathlons and he was just raised to take really good care of himself. I'm not like that at all. I hate to work out.. It is such a struggle for me every day to eat well and exercise, but I do it. However, I don't do it because of him. I love him and I would do anything for him, but I know taking care of myself has to be something I do for myself.

Unfortunately, there isn't an easy way to say "honey, you're getting fat and I don't think it's sexy." However, if you say nothing, he might not realise what's going on, and that's not fair either. I don't think there's an easy answer but I think you know your relationship best and what kind of approach he responds well to. I would be devastated if my guy said something like to me, but when he says "you going for a run today?" Or "maybe we should stay in and make a big salad and some grilled fish..." I can take it as encouragement and a boost without hurting my feelings. But that's me. You know him best. I'm certain you can find a way to encourage him to take care of himself without hurting him.

mnxl

leave him, it's the only way

agreed

lsmsrbls

I feel so bad for your husband.

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Less superficial?

I am not sure where you get off saying something like this. Especially when gaining large amounts of weight is not HEALTHY. How could I not be concerned for the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he is not eating well and healthy?
I posted on this forum to receive some true insight, and if finding a way to bully people online is how you feel better about yourself Im truly sorry for you.

You didn't title the thread "husband is gaining weight and I'm worried about his health", you called it "husband is gaining weight and its [sic] turning me off." You don't mention being concerned about his health in your post at all. I took you at your word instead of trying to read your mind.

I certainly wasn't trying to bully you and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I really do wish you and your husband the best.

keithmustloseweight

Better to tell him your concerns than just up and leave him one day.

He might need some help or tips about sorting himself out, but give him a fair chance first.

If he doesn't do it after a reasonable amount of time then there's no point being with someone you're not attracted to anymore

KathleenMurry

I'm in the same boat in a similar way, but my boyfriend is extremely thin. But as I get more fit, clean up my eating, quit drinking and focus on a healthy lifestyle...he seems to be drinking more, smoking more etc. I'm concerned about him. It's like self-sabotage and yes, that is unattractive. I don't choose to be less attracted to him, it just happens and I can't help it. I have posted in here before about how our difference in lifestyle doesn't make any difference in our relationship because he is supportive of me, an that counts for a lot, but slowly....my interest is fading. And my concern is growing.

I know how you feel.....and I look forward to reading people's responses.

snazzyjazzy21

I feel for you, I do. Part of romantic love is physical attraction, and anyone who denies that is deluding themselves. Yes, personality plays a big part, but it can't completely override biological impulse. Nor should it have to.

This. Physical attraction is important. But you also can't control what you find attractive. Unfortunate but true. Unless you can talk to him and find some sort of middle ground, I feel leaving him would be best.

michellekicks

You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.

Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.

ItsCasey

I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.

RekindledRose

I feel so bad for your husband.

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Less superficial?

I am not sure where you get off saying something like this. Especially when gaining large amounts of weight is not HEALTHY. How could I not be concerned for the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he is not eating well and healthy?
I posted on this forum to receive some true insight, and if finding a way to bully people online is how you feel better about yourself Im truly sorry for you.

Listen, OP. You stated that your husband's weight gain was turning you off. You didn't mention any health concerns you had about him, but you did state how you were a body-builder and your husband is feeling insecure and worried you don't find attractive. You also stated that you are thinking about taking him to 'see somebody', as if he is a car that can be 'fixed', and you mentioned one incident where your husband tried not to eat all day and then he binged at 11pm.

The person who stated that she hopes you are able to become less superficial also said some very kind, loving things in her post that were certainly meant to be helpful. If all you do is dwell on the 'superficial' aspect of her post then I'd like to suggest to you that she hit a nerve with you.

You are turned off by your husband's weight gain. Those are your words. You were given advice to focus on the things about your husband that you love, and in that respect to help him to feel loved by you, which may help him to become more self-confident and maybe then he can start taking control of all the aspects of his life that you think he's lost control of.

Bottom line; you can't change someone else. Perhaps you ARE superficial. Sometimes you need to be willing to look in the mirror and figure out if there might be things about your own attitude you can change, before you try to 'fix' your spouse. This is a support and motivation thread, but if you can't take a little bit of gentle criticism from others here then maybe, just maybe, it's because their insight is too close to the mark.

Your husband needs to know that you love him and will stay with him through this time of his life; not that you're affection for him is based solely on what size pants he wears.

Suck it up.

CyberEd312

I feel so bad for your husband.

I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair. This is clearly more than just a superficial issue, as the OP stated. When a person is out of control, using food in unhealthy ways, unable to change habits or unwilling to do so, it's more than just an "oh, that's icky" situation.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a body builder, and have not met my goals yet, but I bust my *kitten* daily to get my workouts in, to eat right, and to work towards those goals. It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.

Thank you for going to bat for me. Without a doubt this stems from a true concern for his health. On a cosmetic point; I only mention that he himself is not happy with the way he looks and for that I also raise my concern. Its hard to see the people we love feel this way and I definitely want to help them. Good luck you you Becca.

Everything your saying is great and true but when it comes right down to the root of it, you can not change someone that isn't willing and ready to change themselves... My family watched over the better half of a decade while I slipped deeper and deeper into severe depression and continued to suppress my emotion with food til I was all but trapped in our home with severe social phobia and depression for over 2 years and had eaten myself to 560 lbs. My family tried hard over those years with interventions and trying tough love but every time they pushed on me, all it did was piss me off and made me resent them for it because even though I was hurting inside I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem so I viewed all there intervention as them having the problem not me... It wasn't until the thanksgiving before I start my journey back (in May of 2009) that I was sitting in my recliner working on my 6 plate of food that I heard laughing and joking and I looked up from my plate and realized my family was all out in the other room having fun and enjoying each other company... You see they had tried for so long that they had finally excepted the fact I was probably going to eat myself to death and the only thing left to do was love me from a far and go on with life... It was at that time that the light started to come on and I realized everything I was taking for granted and that was the first time in years that I truly felt all alone... the same thing happened again at Christmas and by May of that next year I had hit rock bottom and it was then I admitted I had a problem to my family and they all stepped up to the plate to help me. I would have never made it back from the depth's that I had created had they not been there when I was ready to do this of my own free will.... Especially my Best Friend and Love of my Life, My Wife..... She stood by my side patiently praying and hoping for me over all those years.... That is why I tell anyone that will listen that you can not change anyone, it has to be their decision and theirs alone and the best thing you can do is just "Lead by Example" it isn't the answer anyone wants to hear but I promise you it is the only thing you can do.... Best of Luck

aetzkorn14

I think the judgmental people who commented need to understand where you come from being a bodybuilder. Your mindset is on the other side of the spectrum than just physical change. I am by no means a fitness guru but I can relate when it comes to a spouse not fixing their health. My bf is a food addict, always has been. Everywhere we go he is talking about food or showing me junk food and has zero self control which puts a lot of temptation my way. I get very annoyed, almost pissed when he talks about how good something tastes or "have you tried this little Debbie". I have made progress and he is in the gym but he does stay inside his comfort zone and has an extremely bad connotation with weightlifting. What I would give for him to clean up his food, or at least track what he eats, and lift with me. I wish he would research and understand what he is eating but in the end it is up to him. I will say every time I say "you shouldn't eat that" it usually starts an argument, however I cook all the time and I can control his diet to a degree. I started experimenting a lot with food to keep him entertained and content and I always have prepped food cooked so when he is "hungry" he resorts to the easier option.

gonnamakeanewaccount

Just break up.

ldrosophila

So how would you feel if this weight gain was from a medical condition? In a way it is, he has stopped smoking so his brain is no longer getting nicotine which it used as an appetite suppressant now he has quit (and good for him smoking is much more dangerous than weight) and now his brain has to adjust not having a chemical crutch.

You just need to support him. Continue to live your life in health. Give him time. Do not over talk he issue or keep "encouraging" him sometimes this pushes people in the opposite direction especially if they have a natural rebellious streak.

If you cant be with him physically through sickness and health then there is nothing wrong with divorce.

mnxl

my wife looks like shes 8 months pregnant, i get asked all the time, when is she due? for some reason I don't care, i love her no matter what, i really love the belly she has. she complains sometimes, i just tell her i think she is amazing the way she is and i am crazy about her. and i truly am, we have an amazing love life.. could care less if she was 300 lbs... yey there is a health concerns, thats life, she is very intelligent and knows the health risks, she doesn't need me preaching at her.

Capt_Apollo

I feel so bad for your husband. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

that glass ceiling of yours must be pretty high.

tworthen79

I do find the title of this post to be superficial.

It's one thing to be truly concerned for your spouse and then saying he's turning you off.
Every relationship is different, but no matter what my husband looks like he will always be sexy to me. Because I love who he is inside, not the outside. I would have him try seeking profession help, maybe a dietitian or a counselor. But like any addiction, HE has to want it, not you reminding him, or telling him he should do it. And if you have said it here that he's a turn off, I pray you've never conveyed that in person to him. All that does is make him depressed more, which in turn makes him eat. Good Luck.

mrdexter1

I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.

well said and quite right ...

MadDogManor

Listen to Ed - he always has the best insight, knowledge and advise on these boards. Good luck to you and your husband.