Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

neplainjanepas

My husband and I have had conversations about this, and I have conveyed my concerns and yes have been honest. I told him that I see how self conscious he is. I told him that when we went to the beach this summer, it hurt me to see that he was battling himself and was ashamed to take his shirt off. When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. He is always creating obstacles for himself that don't exist--and in turn is gaining weight. Working nights, eating late and not pushing himself to go to the gym is all contributing to this weight gain.

I am a bodybuilder, and I have to understand that he has different fitness goals. But I don't know what to do to motivate him. I tried compassionately talking to him about this, and since he has become so insecure he keeps asking if I still find him attractive. On top of that, yesterday he didn't eat until 2300 hours. He was so hungry from battling this all day that he binge ate pizza and wings.
Im thinking about taking him to see someone, but I would love some advice on what I can do. I do love my Husband and am willing to stand by him through this, but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.

Help.

lsmsrbls

I feel so bad for your husband. If I felt like my partner found me undesirable I'd want to spend all day in bed hiding under the covers. No wonder he is self conscious, unsure of himself, and unmotivated!

I think the best way you can help him is probably to think about all the things you do love about him. Compliment him. Remind him how strong he is - it's not easy to quit smoking!

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Sassyallday

First, I will confirm that everyone I know who ever stopped smoking gained some weight at first. It's real. It's true.

To address this, I think the first thing that has to happen is an attitude adjustment- - -yours. If you are judging and rejecting him, it is going to show even when you may be selective in the words you use to talk with him. He can feel how you feel about him. And it amplifies all of the insecurity he feels about himself. I, too, encourage you to consider what you DO still love about him so that you can remind yourself and him to highlight those qualities rather then the ones you don't like and with which he is struggling right now.

I think the second thing that would help him would be for you to recognize that the way you manage weight may not work for him. Invite him to so something you know he likes. Maybe he'd like to take a walk with you- - -and hold your hand. Or go for a swim before the pools all close- - -with you hanging close by so everyone knows he's your man.

He has an obligation to accept and work on himself. But you really can affirm his effort by accepting and appreciating him as a work in progress with some qualities that are good and others that need work- - -as we all are.

YoBecca

I feel so bad for your husband.

I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair. This is clearly more than just a superficial issue, as the OP stated. When a person is out of control, using food in unhealthy ways, unable to change habits or unwilling to do so, it's more than just an "oh, that's icky" situation.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a body builder, and have not met my goals yet, but I bust my *kitten* daily to get my workouts in, to eat right, and to work towards those goals. It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.

RainHoward

leave him, it's the only way

cacklingcat

My hubby always is telling me it dosent matter what my what is but how healthy i am. It made me think and start this journey. maybe if you talk to him about haw you want him to be healthy so you can spend your long life together. Maybe you could get him to work out with you under the pretex of spending time together. Good luck I have always found men to be more sensitive about these things than women.:drinker:

Mcgrawhaha

yes, i gained an extra 40 pounds in 2 years after i quit smoking!

First, I will confirm that everyone I know who ever stopped smoking gained some weight at first. It's real. It's true.

To address this, I think the first thing that has to happen is an attitude adjustment- - -yours. If you are judging and rejecting him, it is going to show even when you may be selective in the words you use to talk with him. He can feel how you feel about him. And it amplifies all of the insecurity he feels about himself. I, too, encourage you to consider what you DO still love about him so that you can remind yourself and him to highlight those qualities rather then the ones you don't like and with which he is struggling right now.

I think the second thing that would help him would be for you to recognize that the way you manage weight may not work for him. Invite him to so something you know he likes. Maybe he'd like to take a walk with you- - -and hold your hand. Or go for a swim before the pools all close- - -with you hanging close by so everyone knows he's your man.

He has an obligation to accept and work on himself. But you really can affirm his effort by accepting and appreciating him as a work in progress with some qualities that are good and others that need work- - -as we all are.

neplainjanepas

I feel so bad for your husband.

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Less superficial?

I am not sure where you get off saying something like this. Especially when gaining large amounts of weight is not HEALTHY. How could I not be concerned for the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he is not eating well and healthy?
I posted on this forum to receive some true insight, and if finding a way to bully people online is how you feel better about yourself Im truly sorry for you.

ValerieMartini2Olives

I do not think you are superficial at all.
I think you are a concerned wife.

I wish I had advice to give.

Good luck.

neplainjanepas

I feel so bad for your husband.

I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair. This is clearly more than just a superficial issue, as the OP stated. When a person is out of control, using food in unhealthy ways, unable to change habits or unwilling to do so, it's more than just an "oh, that's icky" situation.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a body builder, and have not met my goals yet, but I bust my *kitten* daily to get my workouts in, to eat right, and to work towards those goals. It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.

Thank you for going to bat for me. Without a doubt this stems from a true concern for his health. On a cosmetic point; I only mention that he himself is not happy with the way he looks and for that I also raise my concern. Its hard to see the people we love feel this way and I definitely want to help them. Good luck you you Becca.

ChristinaR720

For 10 years, I was just like your husband. I gained a crazy amount of weight and was in complete denial about how fat and unattractive I had become. My husband has always been very athletic and in great shape, so I know it could not have been easy for him to be with me when he probably wasn't physically attracted to me at all. He did everything he could to encourage me to be more active and healthy, but I always had an excuse as to why I couldn't exercise or why I needed to eat more. Nothing he could have said or done would have made me want to lose weight. I had to want it for myself. It took me 10 years to get there, but once I finally set my mind to it, I worked my *kitten* off and made it happen.

Keep encouraging your husband to be more active and make better choices. Keep leading by example and he'll come around. It will take lots of patience on your part, but it will happen!

Madame_Goldbricker

You stated this is only one example of how he's not in control of his life currently. If there's other issues overshadowing him then weight gain is probably wrapped up in this. Dropping the smoking is a big positive step though. Maybe seek professional guidance through family therapy as a couple. From the sounds of it you both have frustrations you need to resolve & a mediator can be effective in not falling into the blame game routine.

RonnieLodge

Argh, sadly I am in the same boat - husband hides himself under long sleeve shirts all summer and it is upsetting to me to see that he obviously isn't feeling good about his physique and doesn't want to do some stuff because of that.

This has been a bug bear for a while. I don't bring in junk food and I request that he doesn't bring junk food into the house (so that I don't eat it). But he does and I think he also hides some of it (going by the empty packages in the trash).

He is really quite sensitive about it and I have tried approaching it from all the angles I can think of - telling him about books I have read and leaving them about for him to read, letting him know what I am doing eating wise and trying to arrange for us to sit down to meals together instead of eating in front of a computer/tv screen - but after plenty of disagreements, barbed comments and hurt feelings I figured the best thing I can do is try to lead by example.

Just trying to force the issue will make him feel resentful and you feel like a frustrated nag. No one wants to be the person watching what someone else is eating.

Now you have expressed your concern, it is matter of keeping schtum and waiting it out until he starts asking what you are doing that is making you happy, confident and energetic. It is a loooooong game. Luckily you have the rest of your lives to play it.

Sometimes it fcuks me right off, though.

peleroja

I feel for you, I do. Part of romantic love is physical attraction, and anyone who denies that is deluding themselves. Yes, personality plays a big part, but it can't completely override biological impulse. Nor should it have to.

My boyfriend is super fit and really enjoys exercise and healthy eating- his dad runs marathons and does triathlons and he was just raised to take really good care of himself. I'm not like that at all. I hate to work out.. It is such a struggle for me every day to eat well and exercise, but I do it. However, I don't do it because of him. I love him and I would do anything for him, but I know taking care of myself has to be something I do for myself.

Unfortunately, there isn't an easy way to say "honey, you're getting fat and I don't think it's sexy." However, if you say nothing, he might not realise what's going on, and that's not fair either. I don't think there's an easy answer but I think you know your relationship best and what kind of approach he responds well to. I would be devastated if my guy said something like to me, but when he says "you going for a run today?" Or "maybe we should stay in and make a big salad and some grilled fish..." I can take it as encouragement and a boost without hurting my feelings. But that's me. You know him best. I'm certain you can find a way to encourage him to take care of himself without hurting him.

mnxl

leave him, it's the only way

agreed

lsmsrbls

I feel so bad for your husband.

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Less superficial?

I am not sure where you get off saying something like this. Especially when gaining large amounts of weight is not HEALTHY. How could I not be concerned for the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he is not eating well and healthy?
I posted on this forum to receive some true insight, and if finding a way to bully people online is how you feel better about yourself Im truly sorry for you.

You didn't title the thread "husband is gaining weight and I'm worried about his health", you called it "husband is gaining weight and its [sic] turning me off." You don't mention being concerned about his health in your post at all. I took you at your word instead of trying to read your mind.

I certainly wasn't trying to bully you and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I really do wish you and your husband the best.

keithmustloseweight

Better to tell him your concerns than just up and leave him one day.

He might need some help or tips about sorting himself out, but give him a fair chance first.

If he doesn't do it after a reasonable amount of time then there's no point being with someone you're not attracted to anymore

KathleenMurry

I'm in the same boat in a similar way, but my boyfriend is extremely thin. But as I get more fit, clean up my eating, quit drinking and focus on a healthy lifestyle...he seems to be drinking more, smoking more etc. I'm concerned about him. It's like self-sabotage and yes, that is unattractive. I don't choose to be less attracted to him, it just happens and I can't help it. I have posted in here before about how our difference in lifestyle doesn't make any difference in our relationship because he is supportive of me, an that counts for a lot, but slowly....my interest is fading. And my concern is growing.

I know how you feel.....and I look forward to reading people's responses.

snazzyjazzy21

I feel for you, I do. Part of romantic love is physical attraction, and anyone who denies that is deluding themselves. Yes, personality plays a big part, but it can't completely override biological impulse. Nor should it have to.

This. Physical attraction is important. But you also can't control what you find attractive. Unfortunate but true. Unless you can talk to him and find some sort of middle ground, I feel leaving him would be best.

michellekicks

You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.

Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.

ItsCasey

I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.