Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off
Replies
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My husband and I have had conversations about this, and I have conveyed my concerns and yes have been honest. I told him that I see how self conscious he is. I told him that when we went to the beach this summer, it hurt me to see that he was battling himself and was ashamed to take his shirt off. When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. He is always creating obstacles for himself that don't exist--and in turn is gaining weight. Working nights, eating late and not pushing himself to go to the gym is all contributing to this weight gain.
I am a bodybuilder, and I have to understand that he has different fitness goals. But I don't know what to do to motivate him. I tried compassionately talking to him about this, and since he has become so insecure he keeps asking if I still find him attractive. On top of that, yesterday he didn't eat until 2300 hours. He was so hungry from battling this all day that he binge ate pizza and wings.
Im thinking about taking him to see someone, but I would love some advice on what I can do. I do love my Husband and am willing to stand by him through this, but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.
Help.
You do you. He does him. You have every right to feel what you feel and want what want. You have an obligation to articulate that to him, and to allow and assist him to try and become what you need. If he chooses to not do that then he is the one rejecting you and your needs, not the other way around. People grow apart. There doesn't have to be a bad guy.0 -
You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.0 -
Coming from someone who once weighed 262 lbs. and been married for 20 yrs. I'm thankful my husband always found me attractive. Even when I didn't feel sexy or attractive. Thanks for your post. Makes me appreciate him even more.0
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One year old thread people... hurray for new posters necro'ing threads.0
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I only read page one of the replies here.
You've got a problem in that your husband has gained weight and you no longer find him physically attractive.
Part of being married is having open, honest communication, and you should tell your husband how you feel.
But here is another part of being married: You both will get older and ugly. No one will be beautiful forever.
You're married, and you are going to have to love the person you are with for who they are, not who you wish they were, nor who they were when you married them.
I think this is one of the major causes of divorce today. People forget the commitment they made to a person "through sickness and in health".
Another thing to remember here is you can want someone to do something all you want, but until they want it it won't matter.
All you can do is make your concerns known to your husband and be supportive in their efforts to change.
But if they don't want to change, you are stuck with that.
I've been reading through this entire thread, and so far- this is by far one of the best posts I've read. It's hit the nail on the head. OP, you're only 22. You've got a LONG way to go, girl. I have no idea how long you've been married, But I'm going to guess it's not longer than maybe 4 years? You two are still practically newlyweds. You've got a LONG way to go. When you made your vows to one another, you vowed to love one another for better or worse, in sickness and in health. As we get older, our bodies change, we age, lines will begin to show on our faces, for some of us, we'll give birth. Our bodies will change. We'll have stretch marks where our babies lived for nine months. Some may have scars on our abdomens from the birth, others may have injuries from giving birth. We will stand by our spouses, and they will stand by us during the loss of a loved one, and provide us with comfort in times of grief.
They will be there to celebrate times of joy, birthdays, milestones, promotions at work, and you'll make life long memories on vacations together/family vacations. You wouldn't be able to imagine doing these things without your spouse.
I'm 36 years old. I've been married for 12 years, been with my husband for 15 years. I've been with my husband when he was 400lbs, and now that he's 230lbs. I loved him just as much then as I did now. It didn't change. I was attracted first to him mind, to the way he cared for me, and yes, I did think he was attractive physically.
As you grow in your marriage, there will come a point when looks and attraction aren't going to play a part, and there needs to be more to it, make sure you're nurturing that part of your marriage.
As far as health goes, health is very important, You want your spouse to be around with you for the long haul, encouraging good health out of love, and because you want your spouse to be with you, will typically get better results. Giving praise for small victories, and being their biggest supporter and cheerleader will mean the world.
***Edit... OMG. I got sucked in, read this whole damn thread, and didn't even pay any attention to the fact that it said 2013 NOT 2014 UGH!!! Zombie thread attacks again! ***0 -
Yeah, this is an old thread. But, you won't accomplish anything if your partner has reduced self-esteem or feels undesired by you.0
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You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
This! I learned the hard way. Granted I was heavier when we met, but still. For 2 years I gained weight over my mom's death (it's what I blamed it on), and found out later on that he was starting to lose his attraction to me due to it, but was kinda scared to say anything. He still married me.
Now, his weight has been steady and he is 5'10" and 280, but has a lot of muscle in his legs. Do i find him unattractive? nope. Does he complain about his weight? yes. I encourage him to try and be healthy and I am proud of him. He did give up smoking because of our son, and while he doesn't exercise like he should be, i still encourage him to,
I am not always the wife that I should be (in that i don't like to be in the kitchen cooking) but i am improving and making sure that he doesn't end up with a depressed nag of a person. Marriage is work, and it's constant, that never changes. Make sure that you are everything to him, and that he is everything to you.
I know it's a necro thread, but these two posts right here....:noway: :sick: (mostly the first, but I had to include the in the kitchen bit....)
Any man that needs that much coddling can Get Right TFO!0 -
I feel so bad for your husband.
Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.
Less superficial?
I am not sure where you get off saying something like this.
I mean, your topic is "Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off"
ETA: FAKING ZOMBIES0 -
My husband and I have had conversations about this, and I have conveyed my concerns and yes have been honest. I told him that I see how self conscious he is. I told him that when we went to the beach this summer, it hurt me to see that he was battling himself and was ashamed to take his shirt off. When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. He is always creating obstacles for himself that don't exist--and in turn is gaining weight. Working nights, eating late and not pushing himself to go to the gym is all contributing to this weight gain.
I am a bodybuilder, and I have to understand that he has different fitness goals. But I don't know what to do to motivate him. I tried compassionately talking to him about this, and since he has become so insecure he keeps asking if I still find him attractive. On top of that, yesterday he didn't eat until 2300 hours. He was so hungry from battling this all day that he binge ate pizza and wings.
Im thinking about taking him to see someone, but I would love some advice on what I can do. I do love my Husband and am willing to stand by him through this, but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.
Help.
Weight is the wrong thing to focus on....it is a symptom of other things that are happening. Is he stressed out?0 -
This may be an old thread, but the resurgence of interest in it shows that this is a common problem with a couple, especially if one is fit and committed to maintaining health and the other is not. I don't find OP's concern to be completely superficial. Her husband's lifestyle will have longterm health effects. I have been married over 30 years, and my husband has had a weight issue through most of them. I accepted him as a "big guy" or just "cuddly" and for a couple years even got a bit cuddlier myself. He was also someone who was a workaholic and traveled a lot for a living, so his work life was contributing to the problem. Without my nagging, he wouldn't have gotten a full checkup around 7 years ago, when he was diagnosed as diabetic. Since then, I've done as much as I can to maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle while he's home and encourage him to walk and do other exercise. Now that we're in our 50s and the kids are grown, we enjoy vacations and our time together. There are many aspects of a person besides the purely physical; my hope is that our remaining years together are healthy ones.0
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Okay so its an old thread but honestly ....
I gave up smoking about 3 years ago now and am am now winning the battle to lose the extra weight.
Smoking is an addiction and one of the hardest to give up, more so than heroin they say.
Be proud of him in knowing he has strength and will power,
maybe some positive affirmations and encouragement to help him push through this part of it and not talking to him compassionately like you would anyone, he's your husband, The man you love and married and with that love anything should be possible but with you doubting his ability he is possibly doing the same.
Eating together also has many positives and although our food intake is very different i enjoy preparing food and sitting down talking over a meal .. maybe thats old school but its a great time of day to connect and talk about the day .. It also encouraging to enjoy your food and offer a taste to introduce change ...0 -
I'm not through all the pages, and it's a PITA to read on my phone so I'll just slap down my 2c and be done with it.
My husband isn't skinny. Our doctor just ordered him to lose 25 pounds actually (to get it of the obese range). He comments on how fat he is, and while I do know he is overweight, that is not all I see. His sense of humor doesn't change because he's gained weight in our 9 years together. The color of his eyes haven't changed. Nor did his laugh. He still loves me and cares for me and our daughters regardless of what his weight is.
There is more to a person than the size of their pants or the numbers on a scale. My husbands physical appearances are only a small slice of why I love him. I want him to get healthy so I can be a crazy old lady with him. So he can be the awesome grandpa I know he'll be one day. The doctor gave him the last nudge he needed. It wasn't me. It wasn't our kids. I'm just glad he's making changes, even if it has taken awhile.
Edit because I can't type on my phone to save my life.0 -
You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
This! I learned the hard way. Granted I was heavier when we met, but still. For 2 years I gained weight over my mom's death (it's what I blamed it on), and found out later on that he was starting to lose his attraction to me due to it, but was kinda scared to say anything. He still married me.
Now, his weight has been steady and he is 5'10" and 280, but has a lot of muscle in his legs. Do i find him unattractive? nope. Does he complain about his weight? yes. I encourage him to try and be healthy and I am proud of him. He did give up smoking because of our son, and while he doesn't exercise like he should be, i still encourage him to,
I am not always the wife that I should be (in that i don't like to be in the kitchen cooking) but i am improving and making sure that he doesn't end up with a depressed nag of a person. Marriage is work, and it's constant, that never changes. Make sure that you are everything to him, and that he is everything to you.
I know it's a necro thread, but these two posts right here....:noway: :sick: (mostly the first, but I had to include the in the kitchen bit....)
Any man that needs that much coddling can Get Right TFO!
LoL. Had to quote you, so you can perhaps read your comment, absorb it, and hopefully, see the inanity of it.
The first quote nails exactly what it is to be a good wife, partner, and honestly, human being that has committed themselves to another. You see, that is what people do, when they honestly, truly and deeply love someone. There is valuable lesson in this wisdom. I'd wager, or at least it's my hope that you are young enough that you can change your opinion on what "coddling" means. If you're to old to change, well, then I'm sorry for the people that have treaded into your shallow pool.0 -
@Francl27:
NEWBZ ARE SO LAME!!!!
/sarcasm.
Who cares how old it is? There is still valuble and pertinant words contained within. You care so little about it, just had to comment?
By your line of thinking we should all be reading only some modern drivel by the flavor of the month in juvenile literature, and throw out all those dusty copies of War and Peace, eh?0 -
To be honest, this is one of the reasons why I'm losing weight. I want a partner that will be in the fitness lifestyle and in order to get one I have to be in that type of life style. I would appreciate if my significant other would give me heads up that I'm gaining weight or eating way too unhealthy. I gained 90lbs without noticing and I wish somebody had stepped in sooner to wake me up out of the daze I was in. I also want to feel and look sexy not only for myself, but for my soon to be significant other. I think your concerns are very real and I hope that you two have found a middle ground! :flowerforyou:0
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@Francl27:
NEWBZ ARE SO LAME!!!!
/sarcasm.
Who cares how old it is? There is still valuble and pertinant words contained within. You care so little about it, just had to comment?
By your line of thinking we should all be reading only some modern drivel by the flavor of the month in juvenile literature, and throw out all those dusty copies of War and Peace, eh?
I think you're overreacting a little there, the point is that people come in, thinking they are imparting all this awesome wisdom to the OP, only to realise that the OP hasn't even thought of this site for a year.0 -
Damn. I just realized this thread is older than dirt.0
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:drinker:I feel so bad for your husband. If I felt like my partner found me undesirable I'd want to spend all day in bed hiding under the covers. No wonder he is self conscious, unsure of himself, and unmotivated!
I think the best way you can help him is probably to think about all the things you do love about him. Compliment him. Remind him how strong he is - it's not easy to quit smoking!
Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.0 -
leave him, it's the only way
WOW!!! You can't be serious? Absolutely, Lets end a marriage over weight gain, doesn't matter if the relationship is emotionally fulfilling, has a strong history or is filled with love, the size of the waist and the definition of muscles are the real priorities! *she says sarcastically*
Look, everyone and I do mean everyone goes through highs and lows in their relationship. Can i take a stab and say that you are somewhere between being together 2-5 years? That's usually the phase where we try to "fix" all the things we think our partner does wrong and when they fall short, don't comply, or totally blow us off it's upsetting/frustrating. We blame them for not trying hard enough and use it as an excuse to do unreasonable things. like cheat or get a divorce.
You married your husband (hopefully) for his personality and not for his looks. I understand the need for physical attraction in a relationship but attraction like love changes over time. I don't think there is a girl on the planet that gets hot and bothered by ear hair, a colostomy bag, or the sounds of a wheezing walrus when trying to sleep next to your partner who needs a breathing machine but things happen.
Fill him with confidence!!! Tell him how STRONG he is for quitting smoking, complement him on other things like his eyes or the way a particular pair of jeans fit. Focus on the little things he does to show you how much he loves you, and in turn do those little things for him.
Help him stay on the nutrition track by helping him pack a lunch for work, making sure there are lots of quick fix healthy meal/ food options, find a fitness challenge you can do TOGETHER like a 5k for a foundation or charity you guys support, or a survival run to ensure your both ready for a zombie apocalypse.
Your problems with your husband have very little to do with his weight gain, don't let that be your excuse.0
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