Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

JaxDemon

I have to ask was you a bodybuilder when you first met? If not he's most likely being turned off by your changes. No matter what anyone says no man wants to be weaker than his female partner it's a egotistic thing for a male to be the dominant one in any relationship.

Maybe there's other issues as to why he's gaining weight, He could be depressed or just unhappy at work etc..

Imo instead of going gung ho you should have a sit down and find out what's actually bothering him and then go on to support him in whatever he wants to do.

I do get the impression though that you're controlling and he's under constant scrutiny.

moonshine_betty

I have been in your situation before, with an ex-boyfriend. He was already about 35 lbs overweight when we started dating but throughout our seven-year relationship he gained weight to the point where he was a stone's throw from 300 lbs at 6'1". I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me; I wasn't turned off so much by the physical changes but by the lifestyle changes that went with the weight gain...he'd binge on food, play video games for hours on end, drink to excess, smoke and then complain about how dissatisfied he was with his body. I'd encourage him to eat healthier meals, I'd pack his lunches for him when he asked me to give him healthier options and I frequently encouraged him to get exercise. But in the end, nothing really worked because he wasn't ready to lose weight for himself.

I also gained weight during our time together, to the tune of 30 lbs and while I'm sure he noticed, he never ever said a thing about my body for which I am very grateful, as that would have crushed me. I can only imagine your husband would feel the same if you were to tell him his weight gain was a turnoff so I'd advise not to go there. You may just have to accept that there is really nothing you can do about this situation...he absolutely HAS to want this for himself and do what it takes to get it. You can encourage and support him when he reaches that point but until he does, anything you say or do to nudge him in that direction will only be seen as nagging and he will resent you for it. It sucks, but sadly, this is the reality of relationships...the two of you didn't cease being individuals when you got married and you can't control what he does/doesn't do about his weight no matter how much it frustrates you.

That said, if he does continue to whine about his body and how dissatisfied he is with it, I see nothing wrong in telling him that he can either choose to do something about it or learn to live with it. Obviously, in a less harsh way, lol.

thesophierose

I feel bad for your husband...

WillowWindow

You've got a lot of perspectives here and I'm not sure that I have any advice for you but thought I would mention my experience with quitting smoking in case it's of help. I smoked on and off for about 20 years, but when my dad ( who was also a smoker) died after a years' long bout with heart disease I saw the writing on the wall and stopped for good. It was extremely challengiing, not because of the physically addictive nature of nicotine, though that was hard as well, but because as I experienced my life post-smoking I started to realize that I had used it as a stress-coping behaviour. In effect, I had to learn to cope with all the situations where I had used cigarettes before by developing new stress-busting stategies. One crutch I used successfuly was to chew gum rather than turn exclusively to food or candies, but that alone did not stop me from gaining some weight. I don't know how long it's been since your husband quit smoking, but he may be dealing with this issue by stress-eating and if so junk food may be filling this need. Of course, if he could recognize this (if indeed it is a factor for him) he might be more willing to do things that de-stress him, like walking, playing sports, listening to music, meditation, or anything else that gets him away from the table and makes him feel good. It should be his choice what these things are and he will need trial and error to find out what works best for him. Someone else mentioned depression and that is also somethhing that he might explore -- it often presents in sneaky ways. And I'd like to mention that gaining excess weight usually goes along with decreased self-esteem; that's not unusual in the least. Anyway the best to you and him -- I hope you find a way to communicate your caring to him and he accepts it in the loving way I think you mean it. I wish the best in health and happiness to you both.

Retiredmom72

I posted on this forum to receive some true insight.

Then remember that a person must motivate himself. You cannot do it for your husband. You can help with menu planning, ask him to go for a walk with you or to the gym (friendly, non-competitive workout session)., etc. He has to do it for himself.

Also I have found that posting like this on mfp is like blood in the water for sharks. You don't attract the type of responses you want. You may want post comments like this on your mfp home rather than as a post in the thread. Unless you need motivation, then don't ask how to motivate someone else.

TKRV

I understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend has gained some weight over the course of our relationship and it does worry me some. The thing that bothers me the most is his own attitude. He is still extremely attractive to me and I love him to death. It hurts that he can't see that himself and it hurts more when he walks away disappointed after weighing himself. What is frustrating is that only hours after feeling down about himself, he will want to eat pizza or wings or some other unhealthy concoction. I just don't understand.

With that out of the way, I have had success in motivating him. Pestering him and trying to get him to do things I thought he should do, like join a gym or find a way to track the food he eats, failed every time. I have found the most success in offering him encouragement. And, by encouragement, I mean telling him as often as I can how great he looks to me, how much I love him and want him to be with me for a lifetime. IF the topic of weight or weight loss comes up, I tell him I could care less about his weight and only want him to be healthy so I can have him for as long as possible.

I join him with physical activities that he enjoys - biking is his favorite thing. Sometimes, I use that to motivate him to do other things. I'll tell him I know a great DVD or machine at the gym that might help him perform better riding the bike. I tell him I want him to be safe and make sure his muscles are balanced so he doesn't hurt himself.

Positivity works, but it works slowly. You are more or less trying to help him find out what makes him feel happy and alive. Being bigger than he wants to be does not make him happy and there are things he can decide to do to change that. You have to use what you know already makes him happy as a way to motivate him to have a healthier lifestyle.

Boogage

You can't change someone or do all the hard work for them you can only talk to them and guide them if they want it.

I hope you mean't that his attitude to life currently was turning you off rather than his body as that would be pretty unkind. I had a bf say that he no longer found me attractive because I'd gained weight and to be honest it just made me more depressed and I looked to the fridge for comfort. I was so hurt by his words that we eventually broke up and I found someone who loves me through fat and thin (but hopes I won't get rid of all my wobbley bits hehe).

Ultimately only he can decide when the time is right to tackle his problems and too much interference and pushing may just push him further away from you. Many people on this site have tried to diet many times before but without the success they hoped to achieve, simply because they weren't able at the time to fully put their hearts and minds into losing weight. Something has to click in an individual that, 'now is the time'. Hope you get my meaning as I'm not sure I put it across very articulately.

Beastmode454

I think i could be that he is a emotional eater. or maybe he see's your dedicated to your fitness and eats out of a attempt to get your focus off of weight lifting, or he is trying to feel a void. I can eat really bad sometimes when i feel stressed.. High amounts of carbs and sugars give you a kinda high.. maybe he is so used to a relaxed feeling or that kinda high and now when he eats alot he gets the same feeling but through a different means. Or he is self distructive.. cuz smoking is bad for your health and weight gain can be bad as well if it gets out of hand. just random thought of what it could be of course. Good luck:)

JoRocka

I did not mean what I said in a go put on an apron and please your man (although I happen to love when I have time for that). I don't care if you are man, woman, gay, straight or whatever. If your partner is feeling body conscious and worried that you are unattractive to them, and in turn making more bad choices because they're feeling down, sex helps! I don't mean you put on an act and do what you think they want. I mean really show them you care. Show them that you still find them sexy. Show them they're wanted.

I speak from experience when I say that negative reinforcement doesn't work. You will just push the other person away if you make them feel like they have to change for you to be happy with them.

so you're saying to lie.

she doesn't find him sexy... i get it sex = more sex = more feelings of sexy... but really... "don't put on an act- don't fake it- but fake it because you aren't turned on"

that's the point- SHE DOESN'T"T still find him sexy- that was the whole point. <<Facepalm>> seriously. facepalm. you're telling her to lie to him- which is fine- but don't say "do it honestly and really mean it" because that's the whole point of this.

RockinTerri

First off, I know for a fact that gaining weight after smoking is real. It happened to my Dad - before the cancer took over that is.

Now that that's out of the way - I don't think you're being superficial at all. If you're concerned about his weight, I can completely understand. It sounds like it's a two-fold thing for you - his being healthy as well as his appearance.

I am no skinny-mini by any means, but I am working hard to become more fit and healthy. My husband had lost 30+ pounds 2 years ago, and now has gained it back plus some. I think saying that it's turned me off wouldn't be right - he's still the same man I married almost 15 years ago, and no matter what his size is, he's still that same guy. But at the same time, I want him to be healthy, of which I know he is not.

Pearsquared

Have you talked to him about this? I think it's his attitude that bothers you more than his body, and that's something that needs to be talked about for your relationship to survive. He doesn't care about himself and that makes you not care about him.

himilayaneyes

Physical attraction is definitely a part of the marital relationship along with open communication lines, and emotional/physical intimacy. I'm married and I'm in the process of losing weight. My husband has never talked down to me about my weight, but has only encouraged me and told me how beautiful I am. I decided to lose weight for myself and also believe that it's unfair to him if I let myself go. However, I made the decision myself. He never told me to lose weight. As a wife, try to support and encourage your husband to be the best possible person he can be. As so many others have said on here, make him feel like the luckiest man in the world by showing how much you love him. I believe that you are concerned about his health and I also believe that his appearance is turning you off. However, love is a choice, not a feeling. Choose to love him despite his flaws. You mentioned that he recently quit smoking (major accomplishment) so he is taking steps in the right direction concerning his health. However, getting healthy is a process. I am confident that neither one of you is perfect and that you both have issues that could be worked on in counseling as you mentioned, but counseling for both of you. I also highly recommend the book "Five Love Languages." Good luck.

P.S. When you post on here, don't expect everyone to be encouraging because it's not going to happen. Sad, but true.

Raclex

I feel so bad for your husband.

I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair. This is clearly more than just a superficial issue, as the OP stated. When a person is out of control, using food in unhealthy ways, unable to change habits or unwilling to do so, it's more than just an "oh, that's icky" situation.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a body builder, and have not met my goals yet, but I bust my *kitten* daily to get my workouts in, to eat right, and to work towards those goals. It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.

This. Exactly. Hubby and I are both on the same jurney of getting fit and strong. It's a HUGE turn-on :blushing: . he ran Spartan Sprint with me this year for the first time and he amazed me! I watched him clim the rope like a true rock star! I cannot imagine if he were not along for the ride. And it has nothing to do with being superficial. He's getting healthier and so am I. So it is a two way street. I wish I could offer some smart advice... The only thing I can tell you is the way you feel is normal. I'm not liking people being judgemental on you. Not fair. And not cool. You have to be honest with him about the way you feel. If it were me, I would like to know. because he cannot guess how you feel inside.

SDkitty

I did not mean what I said in a go put on an apron and please your man (although I happen to love when I have time for that). I don't care if you are man, woman, gay, straight or whatever. If your partner is feeling body conscious and worried that you are unattractive to them, and in turn making more bad choices because they're feeling down, sex helps! I don't mean you put on an act and do what you think they want. I mean really show them you care. Show them that you still find them sexy. Show them they're wanted.

I speak from experience when I say that negative reinforcement doesn't work. You will just push the other person away if you make them feel like they have to change for you to be happy with them.

so you're saying to lie.

she doesn't find him sexy... i get it sex = more sex = more feelings of sexy... but really... "don't put on an act- don't fake it- but fake it because you aren't turned on"

that's the point- SHE DOESN'T"T still find him sexy- that was the whole point. <<Facepalm>> seriously. facepalm. you're telling her to lie to him- which is fine- but don't say "do it honestly and really mean it" because that's the whole point of this.

I'm pretty sure that OP was quite clear in the fact that she didn't actually mean that he grossed her out but YES, you are correct, if she flat out doesn't like his looks at all anymore and is so disgusted by his weight gain to the point that she doesn't even want to give him physical love, then my advice is pointless.

If you can't bear to even get into bed with your partner, you have bigger problems then a little extra around the middle.

JUDDDing

I have to ask was you a bodybuilder when you first met? If not he's most likely being turned off by your changes. No matter what anyone says no man wants to be weaker than his female partner it's a egotistic thing for a male to be the dominant one in any relationship.

LOL.

I'd be cool with my wife being stronger than me.

In fact, I have a list of chores she can start on any time!

tabooski

Leave him, judging from your disgusting attitude towards him, he'd probably be better off. Honestly, if my wife decided to air this problem public I'd dump her on the spot. If you made the title of this "Husband is gaining weight, and he needs help." that would be a different story. Hook up with another bodybuilder, then when you realize hes cheating on you go ahead and reminisce about the husband you could of had but didn't deserve. People like are you are the reason people are self-conscious about their weight. I feel terrible for him.

Camera_BagintheUK

im just glad that my husband loved me when i was 100 pounds over weight, just the same as he does now. if he didnt find me attractive then, he must have hid it pretty well, because he always told me how beautiful he thought i was... if my husband was turned off by me when i was 100 pounds over weight, i would have been so hurt and embarassed. our wedding vows were til death do us part, not until one of us gets too fat to love...

Love this! Mine loved me when I was larger and I never go a day without being grateful for his love and support.

Same here. My husband never judged me or tried to tell me I should change, he put up with me feeling unbelievably crap about myself, appallingly negative self image, no confidence, and I questioned how he could find me attractive - to the point where I started to think there's something wrong with him if he can find me attractive! He was so patient, and never never made any kind of judgemental comment to me. He never got irritated or impatient all the years that I wailed "I'm fat and ugly" - just carried on loving me and telling me I'm beautiful. I'm so proud that his patience has paid off and now I'm starting to feel like the woman he's been telling me he sees when he looks at me.

So all I can suggest OP is that your husband needs your love whatever else you do or say.

moonshine_betty

Leave him, judging from your disgusting attitude towards him, he'd probably be better off. Honestly, if my wife decided to air this problem public I'd dump her on the spot. If you made the title of this "Husband is gaining weight, and he needs help." that would be a different story. Hook up with another bodybuilder, then when you realize hes cheating on you go ahead and reminisce about the husband you could of had but didn't deserve. People like are you are the reason people are self-conscious about their weight. I feel terrible for him.

Oh my god, overreact much? I don't understand why people are giving OP such a hard time for posting on a forum about this. So what was she supposed to do, talk to her family and friends about it? IMO, THAT would be airing their dirty laundry in public. Would you rather she sit on her feelings and not talk about it to anyone? Excellent, sounds like a wonderful recipe for a healthy relationship. I'm happy so many virtuous people exist on this thread who love everything about their significant other all the time....great for you, gold stars and cookies all around. But the rest of us are human and consequently, flawed. OP is not perfect in her reaction to her husband's weight gain but it is obviously a distressing issue for both of them and I get the sense she is trying to be understanding and figure out how to help him along in his efforts.

Sheesh...tough crowd.

Jennloella

I feel so bad for your husband.

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Less superficial?

I am not sure where you get off saying something like this. Especially when gaining large amounts of weight is not HEALTHY. How could I not be concerned for the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he is not eating well and healthy?
I posted on this forum to receive some true insight, and if finding a way to bully people online is how you feel better about yourself Im truly sorry for you.

to be fair: your post title was not "my husband is gaining and I'm concerned for him" your title was "it's turning me off", I suppose that's where she got the idea? Didn't say I agreed, just saying choose your words lest you want the wrong idea formed.

If he recently quit smoking then maybe it will all even out on it's own. When my sister quit she gained quite a bit but went back down. Also, if he's feeling bad about himself, he may very well decide to do something about it on his own. Try to only talk about it if he brings it up. He may want your help but not know how to ask for it