Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off
Replies
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Big picture-eat and train with him youll find it works wonders0
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leave him, it's the only way
agreed
Why are people saying this?
"Just divorce him/her" is the go-to-answer on MFP whenever people post about relationship problems. 9x out of 10 they're just joking.0 -
Love this! Mine loved me when I was larger and I never go a day without being grateful for his love and support.im just glad that my husband loved me when i was 100 pounds over weight, just the same as he does now. if he didnt find me attractive then, he must have hid it pretty well, because he always told me how beautiful he thought i was... if my husband was turned off by me when i was 100 pounds over weight, i would have been so hurt and embarassed. our wedding vows were til death do us part, not until one of us gets too fat to love...0 -
wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)
That's the position I'm in. Weight isn't the only issue, but I'm SERIOUSLY not attracted to my wife and really don't like physical contact with her.0 -
tell him,,, mine is too,0
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I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*0
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You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
What??? Have we time warped back to the 1950's? Don't forget your pearls and high heels when you meet him at the door after work with his bourbon. Seriously.
OP, I get you all the way. I also completely agree with the advice to lead by example. You can't push too hard, it will make him angry and bitter. For better or worse, be supportive as you would expect him to be of you. Best of luck!0 -
I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*
I think it's ok to bounce things off anonymous strangers. It would be different if she were talking to her friends, people who knew him, family members and things of that nature. But in a place like this where (I assume) nobody really knows anybody it's different.0 -
I see a lot of posters slamming you for even coming to the boards. I disagree. Whether or not everyone understands or agrees with you, I think you did the right thing to get some ideas about how to approach this delicate subject before doing so.
I thought this was the place you could come with sensitive issues about weight- - -yours or how your views about weight may be affecting your relationships with others.
I do agree that some things about one's partner shouldn't be discusses in public but just don't think that this is one of them. If I remember correctly, your picture isn't showing in the OP. So, it's not like anyone is going to recognize you and know who you are talking about.0 -
I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*
When I saw the thread title yesterday, I was prepared to blast the OP. Then I read the post and it sounds to me that it's more about his complaining and then not doing anything about it that's the issue than his actual appearance. I haven't read through the thread and maybe I'm reading that wrong, but the impression I got was that it really was not about appearance and that's why I didn't comment because I simply don't know what to say.
Clearly, her husband is hurting emotionally, but she seems to have tried all the ways one can to motivate and help him and he's refusing to listen or make changes, yet still complaining. That would turn me off, too, no matter what he looked like.0 -
OP, you're only 22. How long have you been married and how much weight has he possibly gained? This is such a minor little bump. You can't let something as silly as a little weight gain cause marriage problems so early.
He may have gained a lot. When I was 20, my mom worked with a woman whose niece was a year behind me in high school. She wasn't a friend, but I knew who she was. She had always been TINY. By the time I saw her again (we ran into each other a couple times at my mother's place of work), the girl was at least 300 pounds. It's a whole lot easier to gain weight than to lose it.0 -
I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*
I think it's ok to bounce things off anonymous strangers. It would be different if she were talking to her friends, people who knew him, family members and things of that nature. But in a place like this where (I assume) nobody really knows anybody it's different.
I can agree to disagree.0 -
I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*
When I saw the thread title yesterday, I was prepared to blast the OP. Then I read the post and it sounds to me that it's more about his complaining and then not doing anything about it that's the issue than his actual appearance. I haven't read through the thread and maybe I'm reading that wrong, but the impression I got was that it really was not about appearance and that's why I didn't comment because I simply don't know what to say.
Clearly, her husband is hurting emotionally, but she seems to have tried all the ways one can to motivate and help him and he's refusing to listen or make changes, yet still complaining. That would turn me off, too, no matter what he looked like.
I'm not blasting. I'm just saying that one part about him turning her off is not something I would personally do. To each his/her own. I imagine when he is ready, he will get on board.0 -
I didn't think you were blasting her. It was just *my* first instinct and then I read the actual post. The title is not worded well. It really does sound to me more like it's his woe-is-me attitude combined with not being willing to actually try to fix the problem that's the issue. Plus she seems to feel bad that he feels bad and wants to help him.I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*
When I saw the thread title yesterday, I was prepared to blast the OP. Then I read the post and it sounds to me that it's more about his complaining and then not doing anything about it that's the issue than his actual appearance. I haven't read through the thread and maybe I'm reading that wrong, but the impression I got was that it really was not about appearance and that's why I didn't comment because I simply don't know what to say.
Clearly, her husband is hurting emotionally, but she seems to have tried all the ways one can to motivate and help him and he's refusing to listen or make changes, yet still complaining. That would turn me off, too, no matter what he looked like.
I'm not blasting. I'm just saying that one part about him turning her off is not something I would personally do. To each his/her own. I imagine when he is ready, he will get on board.
We're always saying around here that confidence and attitude can overcome looks. Her husband is lacking confidence and a good attitude. I have met men who I thought were very attractive until I got to know them and their personalities made them physically ugly to me. And I've met men who were not what anyone would call "hot," but their personalities made them so.0 -
I didn't think you were blasting her. It was just *my* first instinct and then I read the actual post. The title is not worded well. It really does sound to me more like it's his woe-is-me attitude combined with not being willing to actually try to fix the problem that's the issue. Plus she seems to feel bad that he feels bad and wants to help him.I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*
When I saw the thread title yesterday, I was prepared to blast the OP. Then I read the post and it sounds to me that it's more about his complaining and then not doing anything about it that's the issue than his actual appearance. I haven't read through the thread and maybe I'm reading that wrong, but the impression I got was that it really was not about appearance and that's why I didn't comment because I simply don't know what to say.
Clearly, her husband is hurting emotionally, but she seems to have tried all the ways one can to motivate and help him and he's refusing to listen or make changes, yet still complaining. That would turn me off, too, no matter what he looked like.
I'm not blasting. I'm just saying that one part about him turning her off is not something I would personally do. To each his/her own. I imagine when he is ready, he will get on board.
We're always saying around here that confidence and attitude can overcome looks. Her husband is lacking confidence and a good attitude. I have met men who I thought were very attractive until I got to know them and their personalities made them physically ugly to me. And I've met men who were not what anyone would call "hot," but their personalities made them so.
I would agree that confidence plays a huge role.0 -
My husband has done the same thing to me that you are doing to your husband... the gentle talks and nudges toward fitness and a better diet. It doesn't work. Your husband has to be ready to change for himself instead of feeling pressured to change to make you happy otherwise it's not going to feel like it was his decision in the first place... creating tension and resentment in your marriage. Lay off him. Lead by example. Prepare healthy meals that you can both enjoy instead of letting him starve himself all day until he ends up making bad food choices. Be supportive of the positive steps he does make and don't focus on the things he hasn't done yet. Quitting smoking is a HUGE accomplishment and he should get some credit for that.0
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No marriage will ever work if you air your business in public. This should be a private matter between you and him.0
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This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.
When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.
Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January
It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.
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Honestly, you can't do it for anyone else. You can only control yourself. You can encourage him without nagging, or try to get him involved in activity that he finds enjoyable. Look for healthy recipes you can cook together, or get his favorite salads from Panera. You have to be supportive and let him know that you love him no matter what, but you want him to be around for a long time with you. Good luck.0
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Coming from someone who used to be over weight and is now divorced, I can say this. I had to want to be healthier for myself. My ex wife was brutal about my weight and it didn't motivate me to lose at all. It was quite the opposite. It's a slippery slope for sure.0
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And you got it
I posted on this forum to receive some true insight,0 -
I only read page one of the replies here.
You've got a problem in that your husband has gained weight and you no longer find him physically attractive.
Part of being married is having open, honest communication, and you should tell your husband how you feel.
But here is another part of being married: You both will get older and ugly. No one will be beautiful forever.
You're married, and you are going to have to love the person you are with for who they are, not who you wish they were, nor who they were when you married them.
I think this is one of the major causes of divorce today. People forget the commitment they made to a person "through sickness and in health".
Another thing to remember here is you can want someone to do something all you want, but until they want it it won't matter.
All you can do is make your concerns known to your husband and be supportive in their efforts to change.
But if they don't want to change, you are stuck with that.0 -
When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. .....but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.
Help.
Don't sell your husband short. Quitting smoking is a huge sign that he's more in control of his life than you're giving him credit for. He really does need to spend some time readjusting to post-addiction life. He quite smoking the most addictive substance there is! That's harder to do than losing weight or building muscle.0 -
I never comment on most posts, but this one stood out to me based on the title. It broke my heart for him. It sounds like we are dealing with more of an immature marriage than anything. Marriage is not temporary and so the current state of his body does not give you a ticket out (the suggestion of many here - not necessarily your words). My husband never once mentioned the hideous hanging skin on my stomach after I gave birth to our 9 lbs son - and I love him for that. He never once told me to change the way that I ate or suggested I join a gym. He simply began asking me to walk after dinner with him and began helping with the grocery shopping. You have every right to address what you are feeling but you have to do it in love. If I opened my hubby's laptop and saw the title of this and that he was telling people publically that I "turns him off" I would be heartbroken. I imagine most people would be.0
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I've been that guy; maybe I still am.
The two things my wife has said/done that really help me are: 1. She loves me regardless of the weight; and, 2. she wants to be with me for as long as possible, so she hopes I'll make healthier choices.
Both of those help bridge the self-esteem gap that came with the realization that I'm a fat-@ss, and help me move beyond the pity party.0 -
I'm glad that even at my highest weight of 316lbs, my husband never thought I was so stupid that I didn't know I was a fatass and had to have "a talk" with me. Your husband knows he has a weight problem, give him a break. If you've already mentioned it to him once, don't mention it to him again. This is the kind of advice he needs to hear from a doctor and you can't take him to see someone like a child, he's a grown man. Weight loss takes time and inner motivation. You're either willing to stick through it until he finds that or not.0
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I like the idea of trying to help your husband by making healthy meals and packing lunches.0
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I'm glad that even at my highest weight of 316lbs, my husband never thought I was so stupid that I didn't know I was a fatass and had to have "a talk" with me. Your husband knows he has a weight problem, give him a break. If you've already mentioned it to him once, don't mention it to him again.
It's one thing to know you're doing something wrong. It's another thing when you know that other people notice too.
We can often live with our own personal failings, but when we realize we are letting someone else down we are often more motivated.0 -
wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)
I disagree and here is why:
A little over a month ago my husband and I were returning from a vacation and we were talking on the car ride home. He confided in me that he thought I needed to lose some weight. He told me that he was still attracted to me but that he was worried that if I continued on the path I was on that this could change. Of course I was hurt at first, but I realized he was right. I eventually came to appreciate this was coming from a good place- that he cared about our relationship and he wanted to make it better. As much as we don't want to pretend it's true, romantic love IS conditional. I'm thankful for him speaking up.
I agree with those who have said your husband needs to make the changes on his own accord. Until then, be supportive, lead by example and be very careful of how you phrase things if you talk to him about his weight again. Good luck!
Ummmmm what? I'm sorry....
If romantic love were unconditional, there would never be divorces. People fall out of love all the time - they grow less attracted to each other physically, people grow apart, life happens. That's why people in successful marriages work together to keep their relationships fresh and to stay connected. Too many people want to believe in some fairy tale when it comes to love and marriage. It's hard work, but it's worth it.0 -
Hey OP- this is not good. I have been through this. I am 52 and lifted weights, studied diet, etc for over 30 years. If you are like me you will never be able to accept a spouse that makes stupid decisions- ie. starves and then binges, and is unhealthy. It will get to the point where you will be eating separate meals. When you go out to eat, you will not be able to watch what he eats. I did that for over 20 years. Insensitive? Maybe. I would like to overeat pizza, beer, etc. but it is a choice to stay in shape. This time around will be different. I am currently dating a woman that eats very healthy and works out like me, which is far easier to be with. Good luck.0
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