Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

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  • TribeHokie
    TribeHokie Posts: 711 Member
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    This thread makes me so happy that I don't judge my bf on hotness, and that he is the same way toward me. He and I have both gained some weight (me much more than him) in the 6 years we've been together, but our attraction to each other has never been a problem. I feel sorry for the OP that she can't enjoy her husband as a person and I feel sorry for her husband that his wife is telling the internet that she isn't attracted to him anymore because he has put on some weight. I do understand being concerned for his long term health, but let's be honest OP, your Topic line makes it quite obvious that his health is not your only problem.
  • alimak21
    alimak21 Posts: 20
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    wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)


    I disagree and here is why:

    A little over a month ago my husband and I were returning from a vacation and we were talking on the car ride home. He confided in me that he thought I needed to lose some weight. He told me that he was still attracted to me but that he was worried that if I continued on the path I was on that this could change. Of course I was hurt at first, but I realized he was right. I eventually came to appreciate this was coming from a good place- that he cared about our relationship and he wanted to make it better. As much as we don't want to pretend it's true, romantic love IS conditional. I'm thankful for him speaking up.


    I agree with those who have said your husband needs to make the changes on his own accord. Until then, be supportive, lead by example and be very careful of how you phrase things if you talk to him about his weight again. Good luck!
  • TribeHokie
    TribeHokie Posts: 711 Member
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    wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)


    I disagree and here is why:

    A little over a month ago my husband and I were returning from a vacation and we were talking on the car ride home. He confided in me that he thought I needed to lose some weight. He told me that he was still attracted to me but that he was worried that if I continued on the path I was on that this could change. Of course I was hurt at first, but I realized he was right. I eventually came to appreciate this was coming from a good place- that he cared about our relationship and he wanted to make it better. As much as we don't want to pretend it's true, romantic love IS conditional. I'm thankful for him speaking up.


    I agree with those who have said your husband needs to make the changes on his own accord. Until then, be supportive, lead by example and be very careful of how you phrase things if you talk to him about his weight again. Good luck!

    Ummmmm what? I'm sorry....
  • CarolElaine25
    CarolElaine25 Posts: 102
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    I feel so bad for your husband.

    Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.
    Less superficial?

    I am not sure where you get off saying something like this. Especially when gaining large amounts of weight is not HEALTHY. How could I not be concerned for the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he is not eating well and healthy?
    I posted on this forum to receive some true insight, and if finding a way to bully people online is how you feel better about yourself Im truly sorry for you.

    You didn't title the thread "husband is gaining weight and I'm worried about his health", you called it "husband is gaining weight and its [sic] turning me off." You don't mention being concerned about his health in your post at all. I took you at your word instead of trying to read your mind.

    I certainly wasn't trying to bully you and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I really do wish you and your husband the best.
    That's how I read the OP's post, lsmsrbls. Frankly, if the OP feels your original comment was "bullying,' she's quite the delicate little flower.

    Sorry, OP, disagreeing with you is not bullying. Pointing out how you might be able to buoy your husband's spirits while he goes through a change that is worrying him is not bullying. I don't know if you've ever actually been bullied in real life, but trust me, it leaves a much more lasting psychological mark on you than, "Oh, somebody hurt my widdle feewings."

    You love your husband. You want the best for him and are looking for ways to motivate him. I truly get that - good for you. But if lsmsrbls's perfectly reasonable comments cause you to feel bullied, you might want to grow a thicker skin.
  • angel79202
    angel79202 Posts: 1,012 Member
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    For better or for worse..talk to him..not the forums..good luck
  • Beastette
    Beastette Posts: 1,497 Member
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    Congrats to him for making the attempt to quit smoking. That's hawt.

    Is he kind to you? Does he show you respect? Does he even, dare I ask, do the dishes on occasion?

    Sexy.
  • alliemarie77
    alliemarie77 Posts: 378 Member
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    My husband and I both started losing weight together. He fell off and I kept going. I have asked him several times to jump back on. When he says "I will later", or whatever his excuse is, I move on. I don't push the issue because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I love this man! I try to tell him, and show him as often as I can. I know that when he is ready he will make a choice and he will join me.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    OP, you're only 22. How long have you been married and how much weight has he possibly gained? This is such a minor little bump. You can't let something as silly as a little weight gain cause marriage problems so early.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    This:
    I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.

    And this:
    OP, you're only 22. How long have you been married and how much weight has he possibly gained? This is such a minor little bump. You can't let something as silly as a little weight gain cause marriage problems so early.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,026 Member
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    I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.

    This. Oh and put the shoe on the other foot and think for a second.

    Shoe on other foot = posting thread screaming "MY HUSBAND THINKS I'M FAT!!". I think we get a few of those each day already.

    I agree with both you and the person you quoted, btw

    ^ This.

    +3
  • madtownjeremy
    madtownjeremy Posts: 249
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    Ummmmm what? I'm sorry....

    Right?!
  • tootchute
    tootchute Posts: 392 Member
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    I thought when you get married you loved the person for better or worse. Is there any other reason then his gaining weight that is turning you off?
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
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    There will always be times in serious relationships when you feel turned off by one thing or another. But out of love, I've always felt that it's important to still make my man feel attractive and desirable, even if that means telling him a few white lies. It makes me happy when he feels attractive, even if there's room for improvement.
  • AbsyPernet
    AbsyPernet Posts: 145
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    Don't run to a forum and tell us. Tell him. Taking your relationship outside the relationship is a sure sign of disaster.



    I totally agreed, speak to him! Encourage him! Love him! For better or for worst:heart:
  • MrGonzo05
    MrGonzo05 Posts: 1,120 Member
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    If he is doing it for you, he will certainly fail. You are not in control of this. The best you can do is support his goals. Move on if you can't deal with whatever person that makes him.
  • MakingAChoice
    MakingAChoice Posts: 481 Member
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    My husband and I have had conversations about this, and I have conveyed my concerns and yes have been honest. I told him that I see how self conscious he is. I told him that when we went to the beach this summer, it hurt me to see that he was battling himself and was ashamed to take his shirt off. When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. He is always creating obstacles for himself that don't exist--and in turn is gaining weight. Working nights, eating late and not pushing himself to go to the gym is all contributing to this weight gain.

    I am a bodybuilder, and I have to understand that he has different fitness goals. But I don't know what to do to motivate him. I tried compassionately talking to him about this, and since he has become so insecure he keeps asking if I still find him attractive. On top of that, yesterday he didn't eat until 2300 hours. He was so hungry from battling this all day that he binge ate pizza and wings.
    Im thinking about taking him to see someone, but I would love some advice on what I can do. I do love my Husband and am willing to stand by him through this, but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.

    Help.

    There is really not much you can do but be supportive. At least until he is ready to stop making excuses (i.e. quitting smoking) and taking charge of his own health. Nobody can make another do something that they are not willing to commit to. Even if he did something to make you happy it would only be temporary. he has to get to a place where he wants to do it for himself. It is possible that your being a bodybuilder could make him feel bad about himself. Bad food choices can also be a direct result of that feeling bad. Bad food choices can also be partially due to not getting the vitamins and minerals the body needs. So be supportive, but also try to see if he will just start with small steps like taking vitamins daily. Help him work on building good habits one small step at a time. Once the habits are built they will come as second nature. Eating healthy is a habit, it just requires re-training the brain over a few months.
  • misti777
    misti777 Posts: 217 Member
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    It is really hard to quit smoking and not put on weight. I used to chain smoke marijuana. When I quit I gained 80 pounds in 8 months. The problem is is that when a person cuts out one form of coping(in this case smoking) they find another form. Binge eating is an extremely hard thing to quit, because you can't just stop eating and never eat again. You will always need food. Give your husband time, try to find something fun and distracting to do that will relieve stress. Some sort of sport that is not too difficult. Walking and talking, maybe biking together. Please be patient with your husband... he is going through a tough time. I asked my sister to help me with my eating problem and she took it the wrong way. She forcefully takes my food from me and yells at me and if she sees me eat something she assumes I'm binging. It does not help but kind of makes me want more food. And when I say that she says that is an excuse. It is hard. Eating to cope with stress is a tough habit to kick. Be patient and if he asks for help then do it gently. Once he is ready he will kick himself in the butt and get going.
  • onepillarofsalt
    onepillarofsalt Posts: 37 Member
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    This thread makes me so happy that I don't judge my bf on hotness, and that he is the same way toward me. He and I have both gained some weight (me much more than him) in the 6 years we've been together, but our attraction to each other has never been a problem. I feel sorry for the OP that she can't enjoy her husband as a person and I feel sorry for her husband that his wife is telling the internet that she isn't attracted to him anymore because he has put on some weight. I do understand being concerned for his long term health, but let's be honest OP, your Topic line makes it quite obvious that his health is not your only problem.

    Absolutely this.
  • blah2989
    blah2989 Posts: 338 Member
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    My immediate thought, first went to food. I think if you made him breakfast, lunch dinner, and packed his lunches/ dinners for work, that would help. Make sure you tell him you love him and SHOW him you are attracted to him. When you go out together make sure you hold his hand and show affection. Confidence is a BIG part of it and love/support is key. He cant be losing weight for YOU. He has to do it for himself. It is the only way he will care enough to lose the weight. If he does it for you, it will continue on like it has been, starving himself, binge eating, feeling depressed/ unmotivated- and finding excuses not to exercise because he feels so poorly. Insecure about himself, wondering if you still love him for what he is now. My fiance has ALWAYS told me " I love you for who you are, not what you" meaning i love you for you, not what assets you have/ dont have. I can sympathize with your hubby. I felt the same way after I had our first child. My belly sagged, I had gained weight, gotten stretch marks, my boobs stretched out. I felt very undesirable ( not including how I dressed and moodiness from lack of sleep that first week or two) But he was just very supportive, showed me how much he loved me, cuddled with me, kissed me took me out was very affectionate. That all really helped. In the end I had to find my own reason and lose weight for me, not him; but the support and affection he showed me REALLY made a difference in how I felt about myself. I believe it will be similar for your hubby. He feels very pressured when you talk to him about it. Just show him love and support. Set an example, but dont push. ( make heathy meals, invite to go on an hour leisurely walk with you) that kind of stuff. Just take baby steps. I really hope that helps you, good luck to you and hubby.

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