Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

PaulHalicki

It will get to the point where you will be eating separate meals.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, depending on the reasons for it. My wife has several dietary restrictions due to fibromyalgia; there's lots of stuff that she can't eat. Sometimes we eat the same meals, but she's so much more restricted than I am, and I have other dietary needs that she doesn't have, that we often cook two totally different meals.

BinaryPulsar

This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.

When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.

Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January

It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.

I agree about the sex. If he feels unwanted by you, he will be depressed and unmotivated. Knowing that you want to have sex with him frequently, at anytime, expected that it will happen, unexpected of when. He will feel good and motivated in a lot of ways that extend into his life and he will start to see himself as a sexual being and will feel more motivated to be fit for a lot of internal reasons.

I think it's ok to seek advice, but what if her husband gets on board and even decides to join mfp and then someday he sees this. Maybe she will be over it by then. Relationship issues are transient, message board posts on the internet stick around.

rml_16

It will get to the point where you will be eating separate meals.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, depending on the reasons for it. My wife has several dietary restrictions due to fibromyalgia; there's lots of stuff that she can't eat. Sometimes we eat the same meals, but she's so much more restricted than I am, and I have other dietary needs that she doesn't have, that we often cook two totally different meals.

I'm vegetarian and my SO isn't. We eat completely different dinners. Also, I leave work at 3:30 and he gets off at 6, so I have usually eaten dinner before he even gets home.

It hasn't affected our relationship in the least.

Songbirdcw

My now husband quit smoking and gained weight as well. I did find the excess weight a little unattractive. Call it superficial if you want. However, I realized that if I was going to grow old with this person that I would have to take the good with the bad. I was patient with him. I also changed my eating and exercise habits. Now, he's actually taking steps on his own to be more healthier. He's not going to make the decision to lose weight and practice healthy eating and fitness habits until HE is ready. All you can do right now is encourage him, and let him know that you love him.

KarmaKills

Sadly, you can only do so much for your husband. He's gotta hit his "rock bottom" and only then will he make the changes he needs to make. Just keep doing what you're doing....loving and encouraging him.

weighlossforbaby

Have you suggested working out and losing weight together? My husband and I are losing weight together. When your husband wants bad food suggest a healthy alternative. Saying your husband is turning you off isn't the best way to go about it when he is your husband. If my husband ever thought or said that about me it would break my heart, not motivate me.

michellekicks

This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.

When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.

Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January

It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.

I agree about the sex. If he feels unwanted by you, he will be depressed and unmotivated. Knowing that you want to have sex with him frequently, at anytime, expected that it will happen, unexpected of when. He will feel good and motivated in a lot of ways that extend into his life and he will start to see himself as a sexual being and will feel more motivated to be fit for a lot of internal reasons.

I think it's ok to seek advice, but what if her husband gets on board and even decides to join mfp and then someday he sees this. Maybe she will be over it by then. Relationship issues are transient, message board posts on the internet stick around.

This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:

HikerRR50

I never comment on most posts, but this one stood out to me based on the title. It broke my heart for him. It sounds like we are dealing with more of an immature marriage than anything. Marriage is not temporary and so the current state of his body does not give you a ticket out (the suggestion of many here - not necessarily your words). My husband never once mentioned the hideous hanging skin on my stomach after I gave birth to our 9 lbs son - and I love him for that. He never once told me to change the way that I ate or suggested I join a gym. He simply began asking me to walk after dinner with him and began helping with the grocery shopping. You have every right to address what you are feeling but you have to do it in love. If I opened my hubby's laptop and saw the title of this and that he was telling people publically that I "turns him off" I would be heartbroken. I imagine most people would be.

^^^agree^^^ Also IMO it's easier for him to lose weight than for you to fix being shallow.

SDkitty

This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.

When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.

Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January

It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.

I agree about the sex. If he feels unwanted by you, he will be depressed and unmotivated. Knowing that you want to have sex with him frequently, at anytime, expected that it will happen, unexpected of when. He will feel good and motivated in a lot of ways that extend into his life and he will start to see himself as a sexual being and will feel more motivated to be fit for a lot of internal reasons.

I think it's ok to seek advice, but what if her husband gets on board and even decides to join mfp and then someday he sees this. Maybe she will be over it by then. Relationship issues are transient, message board posts on the internet stick around.

This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:

I did not mean what I said in a go put on an apron and please your man (although I happen to love when I have time for that). I don't care if you are man, woman, gay, straight or whatever. If your partner is feeling body conscious and worried that you are unattractive to them, and in turn making more bad choices because they're feeling down, sex helps! I don't mean you put on an act and do what you think they want. I mean really show them you care. Show them that you still find them sexy. Show them they're wanted.

I speak from experience when I say that negative reinforcement doesn't work. You will just push the other person away if you make them feel like they have to change for you to be happy with them.

jhiqui

I agree about having more sex! My bf is very sensitive and can be insecure about his weight/attractiveness, and the only thing that really convinces him that I still love or want him is having sex! Because I know how sensitive he is, I would never say anything to him about his weight, but I find that both my bf and our kids are more aware of what they are eating when I am eating healthily and talking about my choices. Cooking for him, making packed lunches etc. also makes a difference and is subtle enough to not make him feel like I am trying to change him, I'm just being considerate. We are now working out together, and it's a great help for my motivation as well! :happy:

lithezebra

This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.

When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.

Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January

It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.

I agree about the sex. If he feels unwanted by you, he will be depressed and unmotivated. Knowing that you want to have sex with him frequently, at anytime, expected that it will happen, unexpected of when. He will feel good and motivated in a lot of ways that extend into his life and he will start to see himself as a sexual being and will feel more motivated to be fit for a lot of internal reasons.

I think it's ok to seek advice, but what if her husband gets on board and even decides to join mfp and then someday he sees this. Maybe she will be over it by then. Relationship issues are transient, message board posts on the internet stick around.

This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:

The 1950s, 2013 style, are awesome. You win.

Toblave

You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.

Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.

What??? Have we time warped back to the 1950's? Don't forget your pearls and high heels when you meet him at the door after work with his bourbon. Seriously.

This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:

I think she missed the point and approached it a little narrow mindedly. IMO that is exactly what Husbands and Wives are to each other.

bartonjack

@neplainjanepa. Do a lot of PRAYING!! God may be the only one who can change his heart and mind. If he is willing to get some counseling, that would be great, too. I would say he has a serious problem. Keep doing what you are doing for yourself. Don't get sucked into his lifestyle. Your are looking great girl!!

ljdborton

You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.

Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.

^^^This I love this...what a great reminder for us wives, thank you

MyaPapaya75

I do have to agree on you being somewhat superficial but aren't we all to some extent. On the other hand just because you have decided its your time to shine OP this does not mean that your husband has reached this point in his life..it took me 37yrs to realize this..All you can do is lead by example and be a positive role model...he may or may not jump on this band wagon and in all honesty..everyone has different attractions in the end just as you don't find his weight gain an attraction he may not find a super fit woman an attraction....its just life....communication is key.

BinaryPulsar

You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.

Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.

What??? Have we time warped back to the 1950's? Don't forget your pearls and high heels when you meet him at the door after work with his bourbon. Seriously.

This is a big part of what I said way back in the beginning but then someone accused me of being from the 1950's :noway:

I think she missed the point and approached it a little narrow mindedly. IMO that is exactly what Husbands and Wives are to each other.

Yeah, I think the other poster misunderstood the meaning and intentions behind what you were saying. She interpreted it to mean something very specific (but was jumping to conclusions), and didn't listen when you tried to clarify. Or maybe it was two different people, I don't know.

cicisiam

You cannot change anyone, but yourself. It is up to him to want to change. An inside job for sure. Stand by your man, and continue to take care of what you can change...yourself & your attitude towards the situation.

ladymiseryali

@neplainjanepa. Do a lot of PRAYING!! God may be the only one who can change his heart and mind. If he is willing to get some counseling, that would be great, too. I would say he has a serious problem. Keep doing what you are doing for yourself. Don't get sucked into his lifestyle. Your are looking great girl!!

You're assuming the OP believes in your god.....

doorki

@neplainjanepa. Do a lot of PRAYING!! God may be the only one who can change his heart and mind. If he is willing to get some counseling, that would be great, too. I would say he has a serious problem. Keep doing what you are doing for yourself. Don't get sucked into his lifestyle. Your are looking great girl!!

You're assuming the OP believes in your god.....

holliebevineau

My hubby eats like crap when I am not around and has a cute round beer belly. I use HIS weight room more than he does. But Oh that man of mine is so freakin' sexy anyway!! Love Your husband. Make Love as often as possible!! Don't loose sight of why You married him. As soon as You see Your husband rip off Your clothes and let him gaze upon Your beautiful body and then give it to him like it's the very first time You did it. It burns calories too!!