Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

RekindledRose

I feel so bad for your husband.

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Less superficial?

I am not sure where you get off saying something like this. Especially when gaining large amounts of weight is not HEALTHY. How could I not be concerned for the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he is not eating well and healthy?
I posted on this forum to receive some true insight, and if finding a way to bully people online is how you feel better about yourself Im truly sorry for you.

Listen, OP. You stated that your husband's weight gain was turning you off. You didn't mention any health concerns you had about him, but you did state how you were a body-builder and your husband is feeling insecure and worried you don't find attractive. You also stated that you are thinking about taking him to 'see somebody', as if he is a car that can be 'fixed', and you mentioned one incident where your husband tried not to eat all day and then he binged at 11pm.

The person who stated that she hopes you are able to become less superficial also said some very kind, loving things in her post that were certainly meant to be helpful. If all you do is dwell on the 'superficial' aspect of her post then I'd like to suggest to you that she hit a nerve with you.

You are turned off by your husband's weight gain. Those are your words. You were given advice to focus on the things about your husband that you love, and in that respect to help him to feel loved by you, which may help him to become more self-confident and maybe then he can start taking control of all the aspects of his life that you think he's lost control of.

Bottom line; you can't change someone else. Perhaps you ARE superficial. Sometimes you need to be willing to look in the mirror and figure out if there might be things about your own attitude you can change, before you try to 'fix' your spouse. This is a support and motivation thread, but if you can't take a little bit of gentle criticism from others here then maybe, just maybe, it's because their insight is too close to the mark.

Your husband needs to know that you love him and will stay with him through this time of his life; not that you're affection for him is based solely on what size pants he wears.

Suck it up.

CyberEd312

I feel so bad for your husband.

I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Well, hello there Judgey McJudgerson. Glad you're here to "help." This is harsh, and unfair. This is clearly more than just a superficial issue, as the OP stated. When a person is out of control, using food in unhealthy ways, unable to change habits or unwilling to do so, it's more than just an "oh, that's icky" situation.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a body builder, and have not met my goals yet, but I bust my *kitten* daily to get my workouts in, to eat right, and to work towards those goals. It's hard to see my hubs make none of those choices, and to see the effect it's having on his body. It's not about being superficial for me - this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. But for that to happen, I need him to not have a heart attack at 45. And I want to continue to live an active, outdoors life, and I see the things we used to do together get harder for him as he gets heavier. And, yes, it turns me off - mostly b/c I know how hard I work to "preserve the sexy," and I'd appreciate the same from him. That's not unreasonable. I haven't talked to him about it yet, b/c I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful - but I want to.

Thank you for going to bat for me. Without a doubt this stems from a true concern for his health. On a cosmetic point; I only mention that he himself is not happy with the way he looks and for that I also raise my concern. Its hard to see the people we love feel this way and I definitely want to help them. Good luck you you Becca.

Everything your saying is great and true but when it comes right down to the root of it, you can not change someone that isn't willing and ready to change themselves... My family watched over the better half of a decade while I slipped deeper and deeper into severe depression and continued to suppress my emotion with food til I was all but trapped in our home with severe social phobia and depression for over 2 years and had eaten myself to 560 lbs. My family tried hard over those years with interventions and trying tough love but every time they pushed on me, all it did was piss me off and made me resent them for it because even though I was hurting inside I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem so I viewed all there intervention as them having the problem not me... It wasn't until the thanksgiving before I start my journey back (in May of 2009) that I was sitting in my recliner working on my 6 plate of food that I heard laughing and joking and I looked up from my plate and realized my family was all out in the other room having fun and enjoying each other company... You see they had tried for so long that they had finally excepted the fact I was probably going to eat myself to death and the only thing left to do was love me from a far and go on with life... It was at that time that the light started to come on and I realized everything I was taking for granted and that was the first time in years that I truly felt all alone... the same thing happened again at Christmas and by May of that next year I had hit rock bottom and it was then I admitted I had a problem to my family and they all stepped up to the plate to help me. I would have never made it back from the depth's that I had created had they not been there when I was ready to do this of my own free will.... Especially my Best Friend and Love of my Life, My Wife..... She stood by my side patiently praying and hoping for me over all those years.... That is why I tell anyone that will listen that you can not change anyone, it has to be their decision and theirs alone and the best thing you can do is just "Lead by Example" it isn't the answer anyone wants to hear but I promise you it is the only thing you can do.... Best of Luck

aetzkorn14

I think the judgmental people who commented need to understand where you come from being a bodybuilder. Your mindset is on the other side of the spectrum than just physical change. I am by no means a fitness guru but I can relate when it comes to a spouse not fixing their health. My bf is a food addict, always has been. Everywhere we go he is talking about food or showing me junk food and has zero self control which puts a lot of temptation my way. I get very annoyed, almost pissed when he talks about how good something tastes or "have you tried this little Debbie". I have made progress and he is in the gym but he does stay inside his comfort zone and has an extremely bad connotation with weightlifting. What I would give for him to clean up his food, or at least track what he eats, and lift with me. I wish he would research and understand what he is eating but in the end it is up to him. I will say every time I say "you shouldn't eat that" it usually starts an argument, however I cook all the time and I can control his diet to a degree. I started experimenting a lot with food to keep him entertained and content and I always have prepped food cooked so when he is "hungry" he resorts to the easier option.

gonnamakeanewaccount

Just break up.

ldrosophila

So how would you feel if this weight gain was from a medical condition? In a way it is, he has stopped smoking so his brain is no longer getting nicotine which it used as an appetite suppressant now he has quit (and good for him smoking is much more dangerous than weight) and now his brain has to adjust not having a chemical crutch.

You just need to support him. Continue to live your life in health. Give him time. Do not over talk he issue or keep "encouraging" him sometimes this pushes people in the opposite direction especially if they have a natural rebellious streak.

If you cant be with him physically through sickness and health then there is nothing wrong with divorce.

mnxl

my wife looks like shes 8 months pregnant, i get asked all the time, when is she due? for some reason I don't care, i love her no matter what, i really love the belly she has. she complains sometimes, i just tell her i think she is amazing the way she is and i am crazy about her. and i truly am, we have an amazing love life.. could care less if she was 300 lbs... yey there is a health concerns, thats life, she is very intelligent and knows the health risks, she doesn't need me preaching at her.

Capt_Apollo

I feel so bad for your husband. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

that glass ceiling of yours must be pretty high.

tworthen79

I do find the title of this post to be superficial.

It's one thing to be truly concerned for your spouse and then saying he's turning you off.
Every relationship is different, but no matter what my husband looks like he will always be sexy to me. Because I love who he is inside, not the outside. I would have him try seeking profession help, maybe a dietitian or a counselor. But like any addiction, HE has to want it, not you reminding him, or telling him he should do it. And if you have said it here that he's a turn off, I pray you've never conveyed that in person to him. All that does is make him depressed more, which in turn makes him eat. Good Luck.

mrdexter1

I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.

well said and quite right ...

MadDogManor

Listen to Ed - he always has the best insight, knowledge and advise on these boards. Good luck to you and your husband.

poedunk65

I have the same isue with my wife. She is just now going to the gym, but won;t push herself. I try to be upfront, kind, straight forward.

I evn watched Forks over Knives with her, thatis what changed me by the way.

Bottom line is you can't make someone change, they have to want to change for themselves.

CraftyWeeWifey

wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)

ChristineinMA

Everything your saying is great and true but when it comes right down to the root of it, you can not change someone that isn't willing and ready to change themselves... My family watched over the better half of a decade while I slipped deeper and deeper into severe depression and continued to suppress my emotion with food til I was all but trapped in our home with severe social phobia and depression for over 2 years and had eaten myself to 560 lbs. My family tried hard over those years with interventions and trying tough love but every time they pushed on me, all it did was piss me off and made me resent them for it because even though I was hurting inside I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem so I viewed all there intervention as them having the problem not me... It wasn't until the thanksgiving before I start my journey back (in May of 2009) that I was sitting in my recliner working on my 6 plate of food that I heard laughing and joking and I looked up from my plate and realized my family was all out in the other room having fun and enjoying each other company... You see they had tried for so long that they had finally excepted the fact I was probably going to eat myself to death and the only thing left to do was love me from a far and go on with life... It was at that time that the light started to come on and I realized everything I was taking for granted and that was the first time in years that I truly felt all alone... the same thing happened again at Christmas and by May of that next year I had hit rock bottom and it was then I admitted I had a problem to my family and they all stepped up to the plate to help me. I would have never made it back from the depth's that I had created had they not been there when I was ready to do this of my own free will.... Especially my Best Friend and Love of my Life, My Wife..... She stood by my side patiently praying and hoping for me over all those years.... That is why I tell anyone that will listen that you can not change anyone, it has to be their decision and theirs alone and the best thing you can do is just "Lead by Example" it isn't the answer anyone wants to hear but I promise you it is the only thing you can do.... Best of Luck

Well said.

siqiniq

Im thinking about taking him to see someone,

You're thinking about taking him to see someone. Sounds to me like you want to be in control. If he becomes motivated, he will see someone on his own. You'd better hope it's not a woman who appreciates him for what he is on the inside, instead of the way he looks.

Contrarian

wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)

I suspect you are correct.

Fit_Content

bump to read later

rosellasweet

I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.

Amen. I say just continue to be supportive and love him. I'm sure my husband wasn't happy at all that in the 9 years we've been together, I gained 40 pounds. I'm short so when I gain 10 it shows. I was heading down an unhealthy road, but what was he going to do? Confront me everyday about it? He never made comments and remarks. I dealt with my own issues and now that I'm losing weight, he is all over me. When I tell him how much weight I've lost or what I'm doing, he is supportive and encourages. We don't exactly see eye to eye on weight loss methods, but hey, we' can't always think alike. Because he never made comments to me about my weight, I don't resent him.

It sounds like your husband is going through something. He already quit smoking which is a great step in the right direction. I wish mine would stop! lol. Anyway, I understand your worry, but you can't make everyday about this. He quit smoking which means he's capable of self control. Just be there for him. In the end, my husband did nothing to influence my weight loss. I did.

shutupandlift13

I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.

This. Oh and put the shoe on the other foot and think for a second.

caramelgyrlk

I believe you are getting some of the harshness due to the title of your post.

Perhaps there is something else troubling him. He may need counseling or perhaps you both should consider it.

I am a firm believer of the 3 C's. Communication, Collaboration, Cooperation. Talk to your husband and get to the heart of him. Be a good and attentive listener. You may be surprised at the things he will convey. Express your concerns in a way that he understands that you are genuinely concerned for him and you do not want to lose your life partner. If he is open and receptive, collaborate on how you can aide in his weight loss goals. Refrain from being pushy. You can cooperate by continuance of the healthy lifestyle you lead via example.

Marriage is hard work. You get into what you put into it.

I wish nothing but the best for you and your husband.

debbash68

I know this is the wrong forum but I'm not unattracted to chunky men! Probs says more about me.....think I'm weird!