Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off
Replies
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I have the same isue with my wife. She is just now going to the gym, but won;t push herself. I try to be upfront, kind, straight forward.
I evn watched Forks over Knives with her, thatis what changed me by the way.
Bottom line is you can't make someone change, they have to want to change for themselves.0 -
wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)0
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Everything your saying is great and true but when it comes right down to the root of it, you can not change someone that isn't willing and ready to change themselves... My family watched over the better half of a decade while I slipped deeper and deeper into severe depression and continued to suppress my emotion with food til I was all but trapped in our home with severe social phobia and depression for over 2 years and had eaten myself to 560 lbs. My family tried hard over those years with interventions and trying tough love but every time they pushed on me, all it did was piss me off and made me resent them for it because even though I was hurting inside I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem so I viewed all there intervention as them having the problem not me... It wasn't until the thanksgiving before I start my journey back (in May of 2009) that I was sitting in my recliner working on my 6 plate of food that I heard laughing and joking and I looked up from my plate and realized my family was all out in the other room having fun and enjoying each other company... You see they had tried for so long that they had finally excepted the fact I was probably going to eat myself to death and the only thing left to do was love me from a far and go on with life... It was at that time that the light started to come on and I realized everything I was taking for granted and that was the first time in years that I truly felt all alone... the same thing happened again at Christmas and by May of that next year I had hit rock bottom and it was then I admitted I had a problem to my family and they all stepped up to the plate to help me. I would have never made it back from the depth's that I had created had they not been there when I was ready to do this of my own free will.... Especially my Best Friend and Love of my Life, My Wife..... She stood by my side patiently praying and hoping for me over all those years.... That is why I tell anyone that will listen that you can not change anyone, it has to be their decision and theirs alone and the best thing you can do is just "Lead by Example" it isn't the answer anyone wants to hear but I promise you it is the only thing you can do.... Best of Luck
Well said.0 -
Im thinking about taking him to see someone,
You're thinking about taking him to see someone. Sounds to me like you want to be in control. If he becomes motivated, he will see someone on his own. You'd better hope it's not a woman who appreciates him for what he is on the inside, instead of the way he looks.0 -
wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)
I suspect you are correct.0 -
bump to read later0
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I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.
Amen. I say just continue to be supportive and love him. I'm sure my husband wasn't happy at all that in the 9 years we've been together, I gained 40 pounds. I'm short so when I gain 10 it shows. I was heading down an unhealthy road, but what was he going to do? Confront me everyday about it? He never made comments and remarks. I dealt with my own issues and now that I'm losing weight, he is all over me. When I tell him how much weight I've lost or what I'm doing, he is supportive and encourages. We don't exactly see eye to eye on weight loss methods, but hey, we' can't always think alike. Because he never made comments to me about my weight, I don't resent him.
It sounds like your husband is going through something. He already quit smoking which is a great step in the right direction. I wish mine would stop! lol. Anyway, I understand your worry, but you can't make everyday about this. He quit smoking which means he's capable of self control. Just be there for him. In the end, my husband did nothing to influence my weight loss. I did.0 -
I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.
This. Oh and put the shoe on the other foot and think for a second.0 -
I believe you are getting some of the harshness due to the title of your post.
Perhaps there is something else troubling him. He may need counseling or perhaps you both should consider it.
I am a firm believer of the 3 C's. Communication, Collaboration, Cooperation. Talk to your husband and get to the heart of him. Be a good and attentive listener. You may be surprised at the things he will convey. Express your concerns in a way that he understands that you are genuinely concerned for him and you do not want to lose your life partner. If he is open and receptive, collaborate on how you can aide in his weight loss goals. Refrain from being pushy. You can cooperate by continuance of the healthy lifestyle you lead via example.
Marriage is hard work. You get into what you put into it.
I wish nothing but the best for you and your husband.0 -
I know this is the wrong forum but I'm not unattracted to chunky men! Probs says more about me.....think I'm weird!0
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Do you have any idea what has caused him to change his eating habits? Did something happen to him recently or when this started that may have triggered something in him? Financial concerns, job issues, family issues? You said you have thought about taking him to someone. Who are you thinking of a therapist? A physician? It's clear you care about him. I would try to find out more of what is going on with him. Go on dates where you can talk, walk and talk, walk on the beach together and open a dialog to see what's really going on with your husband. Liz0
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I don't have any real advice. But I wanted to say that it's possible you and your husband have vastly differing interests. I don't mind my partner not being on fire for fitness, but I DO need them to be interested in nerdy stuff like science fiction, gaming, and have a love of cats. (I have four of them and the cats aren't going anywhere.)
So someone who is not interested in all that probably wouldn't make it very far in the vetting process.
I'm not saying that you have to break up or anything. Just that a discussion about your priorities versus his might be in order.0 -
Read your profile. You are a body builder and in law enforcement. I'm guessing you're not a shy girly girl. I'm wondering if you take your work persona (your social role and character) home......0
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wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)
Clearly male privelidge striking again
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You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
This! I learned the hard way. Granted I was heavier when we met, but still. For 2 years I gained weight over my mom's death (it's what I blamed it on), and found out later on that he was starting to lose his attraction to me due to it, but was kinda scared to say anything. He still married me.
Now, his weight has been steady and he is 5'10" and 280, but has a lot of muscle in his legs. Do i find him unattractive? nope. Does he complain about his weight? yes. I encourage him to try and be healthy and I am proud of him. He did give up smoking because of our son, and while he doesn't exercise like he should be, i still encourage him to,
I am not always the wife that I should be (in that i don't like to be in the kitchen cooking) but i am improving and making sure that he doesn't end up with a depressed nag of a person. Marriage is work, and it's constant, that never changes. Make sure that you are everything to him, and that he is everything to you.0 -
Aww don't go down the sexist thing as what are the rates of men dying during childbirth?! Horses for courseswow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)
Clearly male privelidge striking again0 -
Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.
Yeah, how dare she judge her husband's attractiveness by common, perfectly normal, almost universally-accepted standards of attractiveness!
Come on, now... :huh:0 -
This will back fire on you unfortunately.
My friends are over weight as am I. I try and motivate them, point out all the wonderful things we can do and how many people we can prove wrong on the fat card. They just dont want to, then they find their own motivation, the motivation stops and they stop. i find the same thing for myself.
You just need to be honest with him.
Hey, i love you, but ive noticed the changes you have made in your life, your not happy with yourself and your not eating regularly so you binge. The hardest part is I have the abilities and dedication to making you happy and you don't want to know about it. You were a strong confident man and now your so insecure and I see it every day and it makes me sad that you wont take your shirt off at the beach.(add more examples etc)..its like you have stopped caring about your life. Get him to talk about it....
get him into a hobby?
Good luck.0 -
wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)
You'd be surprised. Many of the threads on this topic seem to involve blasting any that do the blasting. The vocal opinion seems to be that when you get married or together, you owe one another staying in the same basic physical shape as when you get together. This topic is pretty gender neutral here. (Of course some blasting, but this thread has and will have some backlash too.)0 -
He has to come to it on his own, however, you can sit down and voice your concerns to him. Don't push, don't be preachy, and if he get's defensive, that's fine, as long as he hears the truth from you, it'll sink in eventually, but don't push him up a mountain he's not ready to climb.
Rigger0 -
I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.
This. Oh and put the shoe on the other foot and think for a second.
Shoe on other foot = posting thread screaming "MY HUSBAND THINKS I'M FAT!!". I think we get a few of those each day already.
I agree with both you and the person you quoted, btw0 -
I know this is the wrong forum but I'm not unattracted to chunky men! Probs says more about me.....think I'm weird!
Same here! Then I look at myself and its like "like you can talk!"0 -
Why not try finding some activity that you can do together that won't make him feel uncomfortable? If he feels uncomfortable taking his shirt off at the beach and isn't interested in going to the gym -- why not go out for walks together? Or find out what kind of exercise he's interested in? Then you can both benefit from exercise and also get quality time together.
And if he turns to food like pizza and wings to binge on, why not ask him to cook with you sometimes so you can find healthy meals and snacks that you'll both enjoy, and make extra to keep in the freezer for when he wants something he can heat up quick at his night job? And help him understand that it's okay to have pizza or wings but that they're best eaten in moderation.
There's no easy fix and he's not going to lose all the weight overnight, but at least you can help by gently steering him in the right direction with positive encouragement.0 -
You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.
Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.
I agree, be the best wife that you can be.
Encouragement and love and nurturing is in the job description of womanhood.
As is in sickness and in health in your vows, if you used those.
Don't focus on the little things that turn you off here and there throughout the day.
That's what turns them into big things.
Best of luck!!0 -
meh- fat, overweight or just plain out of shape guys are kind of a turn off to me too. I don't think it's "just superficial" to not be aroused by something you don't like.
sure there is a certain amount of "love them for who they are as a person" but the reality is- sex is probably 10% of a relationship when you are having it... and 90% of a relationship when you aren't.
I have a hard time believing my absolutely wonderful doting boyfriend when he tells me I love you anyway and I don't care what you look like- because I know most men- they like what they see when they look at me- and if I don't look like X- then I don't feel attractive. I know what I look like and when I look good.
he doesn't care. which is nice and all- but I'd like him to take more pride in what he looks like... because IT MATTERS.
OP- good for you for acknowledging the issue- first step to solving a problem is to identify what it is. Unfortunately- we all know men are delicate little flowers about their egos... so don't go trashing it by telling him he is a turn off now- unforutnately as someone else said- you can't change someone's mind for them- they have to do it when they want- on their terms. Just keep leading by example and doing the best you can- encouraging good decisions and let that be that.
And when he comes asking why you aren't interested in fcking any more... THEN you can tell him.... shape or or you aint getting none.0 -
I do not think you are superficial at all.
I think you are a concerned wife.
I wish I had advice to give.
Good luck.
I agree.0 -
I get that this is a real problem. I'm not even going to play the nobility card and act like you shouldn't care what your husband looks like because that's a load of crap. But he's your husband, and by that virtue alone, he deserves more respect than to have his wife discussing their private business with total strangers on the Internet.
This. Oh and put the shoe on the other foot and think for a second.
Shoe on other foot = posting thread screaming "MY HUSBAND THINKS I'M FAT!!". I think we get a few of those each day already.
I agree with both you and the person you quoted, btw
^ This.0 -
Don't run to a forum and tell us. Tell him. Taking your relationship outside the relationship is a sure sign of disaster.0
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I've been on the other side, told to work out, to tone up by exes (I'm very flabby) and yes it really does hurt. For some reason athletic guys are attracted to me yet they want me to be super fit, which I'm working on though it takes some time to change. I came to the conclusion that I'm not going to change for anyone but for myself, and I'm on my way, I've been bullied enough my whole life as I was always a robust and chubby kid, bad eating habits transferred to adulthood and I always assumed this was the way to be, chubby.
I wasn't ready for a change until recently.
My advice is to encourage your hubby to change for his own self worth and health, not for you or anyone else. Encourage him to find a sport/activity he actually likes, as opposed to forcing himself to go to the gym and be very blah about it.
My advice is to come to an agreement of foods that are kept in the house and to approach the conversation on a health level, please don't tell him you're no longer attracted to him, the s%it hurts big time.
I somehow actually like running and biking, who knew? I still hate going to the gym but force myself in the winter and now I'm trying to do weight training.
Baby steps, encouragement.
Your hubby is a lucky guy to have you!0 -
It is a sensitive thing. We do like what we like. We can't help that.
Has he been to the doctor for a full physical recently? Sometimes new coming from a doctor is easier to handle than from a spouse.
OTOH I have known some super fit people deliberately pick someone really out of shape and overweight and then heap abuse on them for not meeting their standards. It is kind of like yeah I'm with you but I will let you know every day you aren't good enough.0
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