Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

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  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    OP, you're only 22. How long have you been married and how much weight has he possibly gained? This is such a minor little bump. You can't let something as silly as a little weight gain cause marriage problems so early.

    He may have gained a lot. When I was 20, my mom worked with a woman whose niece was a year behind me in high school. She wasn't a friend, but I knew who she was. She had always been TINY. By the time I saw her again (we ran into each other a couple times at my mother's place of work), the girl was at least 300 pounds. It's a whole lot easier to gain weight than to lose it.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*

    I think it's ok to bounce things off anonymous strangers. It would be different if she were talking to her friends, people who knew him, family members and things of that nature. But in a place like this where (I assume) nobody really knows anybody it's different.

    I can agree to disagree.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*

    When I saw the thread title yesterday, I was prepared to blast the OP. Then I read the post and it sounds to me that it's more about his complaining and then not doing anything about it that's the issue than his actual appearance. I haven't read through the thread and maybe I'm reading that wrong, but the impression I got was that it really was not about appearance and that's why I didn't comment because I simply don't know what to say.

    Clearly, her husband is hurting emotionally, but she seems to have tried all the ways one can to motivate and help him and he's refusing to listen or make changes, yet still complaining. That would turn me off, too, no matter what he looked like.

    I'm not blasting. I'm just saying that one part about him turning her off is not something I would personally do. To each his/her own. I imagine when he is ready, he will get on board.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*

    When I saw the thread title yesterday, I was prepared to blast the OP. Then I read the post and it sounds to me that it's more about his complaining and then not doing anything about it that's the issue than his actual appearance. I haven't read through the thread and maybe I'm reading that wrong, but the impression I got was that it really was not about appearance and that's why I didn't comment because I simply don't know what to say.

    Clearly, her husband is hurting emotionally, but she seems to have tried all the ways one can to motivate and help him and he's refusing to listen or make changes, yet still complaining. That would turn me off, too, no matter what he looked like.

    I'm not blasting. I'm just saying that one part about him turning her off is not something I would personally do. To each his/her own. I imagine when he is ready, he will get on board.
    I didn't think you were blasting her. It was just *my* first instinct and then I read the actual post. The title is not worded well. It really does sound to me more like it's his woe-is-me attitude combined with not being willing to actually try to fix the problem that's the issue. Plus she seems to feel bad that he feels bad and wants to help him.

    We're always saying around here that confidence and attitude can overcome looks. Her husband is lacking confidence and a good attitude. I have met men who I thought were very attractive until I got to know them and their personalities made them physically ugly to me. And I've met men who were not what anyone would call "hot," but their personalities made them so.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    I too am a bodybuilder and my guy isn't in tip top shape. His health and health alone are my only concerns for him. Thankfully, I do still find him attractive and if I didn't, I wouldn't be on a public forum telling all of you strangers how he now turns me off.... *shrugs*

    When I saw the thread title yesterday, I was prepared to blast the OP. Then I read the post and it sounds to me that it's more about his complaining and then not doing anything about it that's the issue than his actual appearance. I haven't read through the thread and maybe I'm reading that wrong, but the impression I got was that it really was not about appearance and that's why I didn't comment because I simply don't know what to say.

    Clearly, her husband is hurting emotionally, but she seems to have tried all the ways one can to motivate and help him and he's refusing to listen or make changes, yet still complaining. That would turn me off, too, no matter what he looked like.

    I'm not blasting. I'm just saying that one part about him turning her off is not something I would personally do. To each his/her own. I imagine when he is ready, he will get on board.
    I didn't think you were blasting her. It was just *my* first instinct and then I read the actual post. The title is not worded well. It really does sound to me more like it's his woe-is-me attitude combined with not being willing to actually try to fix the problem that's the issue. Plus she seems to feel bad that he feels bad and wants to help him.

    We're always saying around here that confidence and attitude can overcome looks. Her husband is lacking confidence and a good attitude. I have met men who I thought were very attractive until I got to know them and their personalities made them physically ugly to me. And I've met men who were not what anyone would call "hot," but their personalities made them so.

    I would agree that confidence plays a huge role.
  • pinkledoodledoo
    pinkledoodledoo Posts: 290 Member
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    My husband has done the same thing to me that you are doing to your husband... the gentle talks and nudges toward fitness and a better diet. It doesn't work. Your husband has to be ready to change for himself instead of feeling pressured to change to make you happy otherwise it's not going to feel like it was his decision in the first place... creating tension and resentment in your marriage. Lay off him. Lead by example. Prepare healthy meals that you can both enjoy instead of letting him starve himself all day until he ends up making bad food choices. Be supportive of the positive steps he does make and don't focus on the things he hasn't done yet. Quitting smoking is a HUGE accomplishment and he should get some credit for that.
  • 13ftw67
    13ftw67 Posts: 35 Member
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    No marriage will ever work if you air your business in public. This should be a private matter between you and him.
  • SDkitty
    SDkitty Posts: 446 Member
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    This is going to sound like a joke but I am totally serious. Have sex more.

    When I started to lose my weight and made a lot of huge lifestyle changes (including getting sober) my then boyfriend did not want to workout or change his eating habits and did gain a little extra "cake" around the middle. He started to get really self-concious as if I wouldn't want him anymore.

    Nothing gives a man his confidence back better then a wife (or fiance in my case) who wants to tumble with him. It gets his heart rate up and makes him (and you I hope lol) feel good! He loves to workout with me now and I've even got him doing the Tinkerbell 10k with me in January :love:

    It's not a perfect answer. He still eats too much junk food. But he knows I love him and he is working on it.

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  • Suzyqall72
    Suzyqall72 Posts: 105
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    Honestly, you can't do it for anyone else. You can only control yourself. You can encourage him without nagging, or try to get him involved in activity that he finds enjoyable. Look for healthy recipes you can cook together, or get his favorite salads from Panera. You have to be supportive and let him know that you love him no matter what, but you want him to be around for a long time with you. Good luck.
  • lorenzovonmatterhorn7549
    lorenzovonmatterhorn7549 Posts: 495 Member
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    Coming from someone who used to be over weight and is now divorced, I can say this. I had to want to be healthier for myself. My ex wife was brutal about my weight and it didn't motivate me to lose at all. It was quite the opposite. It's a slippery slope for sure.
  • eric_sg61
    eric_sg61 Posts: 2,925 Member
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    I posted on this forum to receive some true insight,
    And you got it
  • maillemaker
    maillemaker Posts: 1,253 Member
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    I only read page one of the replies here.

    You've got a problem in that your husband has gained weight and you no longer find him physically attractive.

    Part of being married is having open, honest communication, and you should tell your husband how you feel.

    But here is another part of being married: You both will get older and ugly. No one will be beautiful forever.

    You're married, and you are going to have to love the person you are with for who they are, not who you wish they were, nor who they were when you married them.

    I think this is one of the major causes of divorce today. People forget the commitment they made to a person "through sickness and in health".

    Another thing to remember here is you can want someone to do something all you want, but until they want it it won't matter.

    All you can do is make your concerns known to your husband and be supportive in their efforts to change.

    But if they don't want to change, you are stuck with that.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. .....but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.

    Help.

    Don't sell your husband short. Quitting smoking is a huge sign that he's more in control of his life than you're giving him credit for. He really does need to spend some time readjusting to post-addiction life. He quite smoking the most addictive substance there is! That's harder to do than losing weight or building muscle.
  • kaleiangel
    kaleiangel Posts: 23 Member
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    I never comment on most posts, but this one stood out to me based on the title. It broke my heart for him. It sounds like we are dealing with more of an immature marriage than anything. Marriage is not temporary and so the current state of his body does not give you a ticket out (the suggestion of many here - not necessarily your words). My husband never once mentioned the hideous hanging skin on my stomach after I gave birth to our 9 lbs son - and I love him for that. He never once told me to change the way that I ate or suggested I join a gym. He simply began asking me to walk after dinner with him and began helping with the grocery shopping. You have every right to address what you are feeling but you have to do it in love. If I opened my hubby's laptop and saw the title of this and that he was telling people publically that I "turns him off" I would be heartbroken. I imagine most people would be.
  • PaulHalicki
    PaulHalicki Posts: 576 Member
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    I've been that guy; maybe I still am.

    The two things my wife has said/done that really help me are: 1. She loves me regardless of the weight; and, 2. she wants to be with me for as long as possible, so she hopes I'll make healthier choices.

    Both of those help bridge the self-esteem gap that came with the realization that I'm a fat-@ss, and help me move beyond the pity party.
  • BunBun85
    BunBun85 Posts: 246 Member
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    I'm glad that even at my highest weight of 316lbs, my husband never thought I was so stupid that I didn't know I was a fatass and had to have "a talk" with me. Your husband knows he has a weight problem, give him a break. If you've already mentioned it to him once, don't mention it to him again. This is the kind of advice he needs to hear from a doctor and you can't take him to see someone like a child, he's a grown man. Weight loss takes time and inner motivation. You're either willing to stick through it until he finds that or not.
  • alimak21
    alimak21 Posts: 20
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    I like the idea of trying to help your husband by making healthy meals and packing lunches.
  • maillemaker
    maillemaker Posts: 1,253 Member
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    I'm glad that even at my highest weight of 316lbs, my husband never thought I was so stupid that I didn't know I was a fatass and had to have "a talk" with me. Your husband knows he has a weight problem, give him a break. If you've already mentioned it to him once, don't mention it to him again.

    It's one thing to know you're doing something wrong. It's another thing when you know that other people notice too.

    We can often live with our own personal failings, but when we realize we are letting someone else down we are often more motivated.
  • alimak21
    alimak21 Posts: 20
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    wow. if this was the other way around. A man posting that his wife is gaining weight and struggling with self esteem and he's turned off by her and doesn't find her attractive, he'd get blasted! (well I hope he would!)


    I disagree and here is why:

    A little over a month ago my husband and I were returning from a vacation and we were talking on the car ride home. He confided in me that he thought I needed to lose some weight. He told me that he was still attracted to me but that he was worried that if I continued on the path I was on that this could change. Of course I was hurt at first, but I realized he was right. I eventually came to appreciate this was coming from a good place- that he cared about our relationship and he wanted to make it better. As much as we don't want to pretend it's true, romantic love IS conditional. I'm thankful for him speaking up.


    I agree with those who have said your husband needs to make the changes on his own accord. Until then, be supportive, lead by example and be very careful of how you phrase things if you talk to him about his weight again. Good luck!

    Ummmmm what? I'm sorry....

    If romantic love were unconditional, there would never be divorces. People fall out of love all the time - they grow less attracted to each other physically, people grow apart, life happens. That's why people in successful marriages work together to keep their relationships fresh and to stay connected. Too many people want to believe in some fairy tale when it comes to love and marriage. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
  • patentguru
    patentguru Posts: 312 Member
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    Hey OP- this is not good. I have been through this. I am 52 and lifted weights, studied diet, etc for over 30 years. If you are like me you will never be able to accept a spouse that makes stupid decisions- ie. starves and then binges, and is unhealthy. It will get to the point where you will be eating separate meals. When you go out to eat, you will not be able to watch what he eats. I did that for over 20 years. Insensitive? Maybe. I would like to overeat pizza, beer, etc. but it is a choice to stay in shape. This time around will be different. I am currently dating a woman that eats very healthy and works out like me, which is far easier to be with. Good luck.

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