Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off

slim4health56

I don't know if this has been suggested as there are just way too many responses to go through...

My husband has made some amazing progress since I got him a FitBit.

He loves gadgets, it links to his phone, he can see throughout the day how he is doing 'movement' wise. he even loves that it tracks his sleep.

It has inspired him to park farther away, walk around the building at work, up and down the stairs, etc. At the end of the day he will even go out and get those last 2500 steps in if he's shy for the day just because. LOL

He's had multiple surgeries over the years due to a motorcycle accident two decades ago that has left him with plates and screws in his arm and leg, plus last year was a total knee replacement at 43 years old, so he is definately no stranger to hardcore physio and weight training.

This FitBit has upped his NEAT activity in a nice simple way and he loves the 'competition' with himself. Plus he thinks it's a riot when it tells him that 'he rocks' and such. He also loosely logs in MFP for a general idea of what he's eating now.

This has all given him an 'awareness' that I don't even have to talk about with him. We've just agreed to do the Primal Blueprint 21 day challenge and started yesterday. I cook and shop so he is really good at eating whatever I put in front of him. Otherwise, he knows where the kitchen is. LOL

Brilliant! Proactive behavior at its best!

Camera_BagintheUK

My advice is to go back to some old fashion family values when it comes to food. In the uk we have a saying "a family that eats together stays together". Making time to eat meals together with no distraction like TV, at a table gives time to put life in order. You will be closer and you can take control of when he eats and what he eats. It's hard in a busy would but I know getting up 15 minutes earlier and having breakfast together is a great start.

I've never heard that saying before!

colligan88

Is the OP's title superficial? Maybe a little.

Is it unreasonable. No

Is it uncommon? I don't think so.

I think we all have to remember sometimes that we human beings are, in fact, human animals. Romantic love is mostly a human being thing. Physical attraction is very animal, instinctual.

As human animals we are wired to select mates who will be capable of assisting our survival, producing offspring, and ensuring the survival of those offspring. A mate who appears to be physically fit is desirable because he conveys the ability to physically complete the act of mating as well as the ability to provide protection and sustenance for his mate and their offspring. He also appears capable of maintaining his own survival so he can continue to assist his mate throughout child rearing and beyond.

A fit male is more likely capable of hunting down a meal to share with his mate when she is physically burdened with the task of carrying the fetus and nursing the infant. He appears more able to help fight off threats from predators, help to find and/or create shelter from the elements, look after the child when mother has her own survival tasks to complete, and demonstrate all these things for the offspring to learn, thus ensuring their continued survival.

We human beings often get so wrapped up in our superior thought processes that we forget some of our "superficial" feelings can't be helped because they're biological, not intellectual.

That said, I wish I had some useful advice, but I ended up on this thread because I'm in the same situation and looking for some guidance. I'm almost tempted to simply leave this thread open on the laptop for him to find, but I know that would be just as harsh a blow to his ego and self confidence as simply blurting out to his face that his growing gut is grossing me out.

I guess what I'm taking from this thread is that our best bet is to continue leading by example, standing by their side, reinforcing healthy choices with encouragement, and loving them for all those human emotional and intellectual reasons while they find their own motivation to care about themselves as much as we do. It's a such a multi-faceted problem for us human beings, there is no animalistically simple answer.

Liftng4Lis

This thread is over a year old, he probably left her by now.

mockchoc

This thread is over a year old, he probably left her by now.

I hope he has. I haven't read the whole thing but he deserves way more than a self absorbed person. It's what is inside that counts.

darrensurrey

When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that.

He's right, though. He has an "addictive personality" as the layman might call it. He needs to deal with the underlying issues creating this addiction. I expect he quit smoking through the usual means which didn't involve looking at the underlying issues - or they were not properly addressed.

EvgeniZyntx

This thread is over a year old, he probably left her by now.

I hope he has. I haven't read the whole thing but he deserves way more than a self absorbed person. It's what is inside that counts.

Can you send me pictures of your intestines?

Dead thread is dead (apparently not) - all those "self-absorbed" people giving advice to someone who moved on after page 1 and never came back.

kaimi2011

wow, I feel sorry for him and I hope he doesn't read this. I'm almost in tears as to how someone could be so CRUEL and INSENSITIVE.

JimmyfromNYC

Food is the most addictive thing you can imagine. You cant just quit cold turkey like drugs or alcohol. Bottom line is if doesnt want to lose weight himself, he probably won't. There is very little you can do. Try to encourage him is about all. I hope this doesnt have an unhappy ending. Good luck to both of you. Jim

beth4326

stopping habitual problems is difficult. The person has to want to do it for themselves, spouses maybe the worst people to convince them to stop. I think keep ones house in order, and being hapy doing it, is the best thing someone can do.

SaintGiff

My husband and I have had conversations about this, and I have conveyed my concerns and yes have been honest. I told him that I see how self conscious he is. I told him that when we went to the beach this summer, it hurt me to see that he was battling himself and was ashamed to take his shirt off. When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. He is always creating obstacles for himself that don't exist--and in turn is gaining weight. Working nights, eating late and not pushing himself to go to the gym is all contributing to this weight gain.

I am a bodybuilder, and I have to understand that he has different fitness goals. But I don't know what to do to motivate him. I tried compassionately talking to him about this, and since he has become so insecure he keeps asking if I still find him attractive. On top of that, yesterday he didn't eat until 2300 hours. He was so hungry from battling this all day that he binge ate pizza and wings.
Im thinking about taking him to see someone, but I would love some advice on what I can do. I do love my Husband and am willing to stand by him through this, but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.

Help.

You do you. He does him. You have every right to feel what you feel and want what want. You have an obligation to articulate that to him, and to allow and assist him to try and become what you need. If he chooses to not do that then he is the one rejecting you and your needs, not the other way around. People grow apart. There doesn't have to be a bad guy.

sonyahadder42

You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.

Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.

Kate7294

Coming from someone who once weighed 262 lbs. and been married for 20 yrs. I'm thankful my husband always found me attractive. Even when I didn't feel sexy or attractive. Thanks for your post. Makes me appreciate him even more.

Francl27

One year old thread people... hurray for new posters necro'ing threads.

Miss_1999

I only read page one of the replies here.

You've got a problem in that your husband has gained weight and you no longer find him physically attractive.

Part of being married is having open, honest communication, and you should tell your husband how you feel.

But here is another part of being married: You both will get older and ugly. No one will be beautiful forever.

You're married, and you are going to have to love the person you are with for who they are, not who you wish they were, nor who they were when you married them.

I think this is one of the major causes of divorce today. People forget the commitment they made to a person "through sickness and in health".

Another thing to remember here is you can want someone to do something all you want, but until they want it it won't matter.

All you can do is make your concerns known to your husband and be supportive in their efforts to change.

But if they don't want to change, you are stuck with that.

I've been reading through this entire thread, and so far- this is by far one of the best posts I've read. It's hit the nail on the head. OP, you're only 22. You've got a LONG way to go, girl. I have no idea how long you've been married, But I'm going to guess it's not longer than maybe 4 years? You two are still practically newlyweds. You've got a LONG way to go. When you made your vows to one another, you vowed to love one another for better or worse, in sickness and in health. As we get older, our bodies change, we age, lines will begin to show on our faces, for some of us, we'll give birth. Our bodies will change. We'll have stretch marks where our babies lived for nine months. Some may have scars on our abdomens from the birth, others may have injuries from giving birth. We will stand by our spouses, and they will stand by us during the loss of a loved one, and provide us with comfort in times of grief.

They will be there to celebrate times of joy, birthdays, milestones, promotions at work, and you'll make life long memories on vacations together/family vacations. You wouldn't be able to imagine doing these things without your spouse.

I'm 36 years old. I've been married for 12 years, been with my husband for 15 years. I've been with my husband when he was 400lbs, and now that he's 230lbs. I loved him just as much then as I did now. It didn't change. I was attracted first to him mind, to the way he cared for me, and yes, I did think he was attractive physically.

As you grow in your marriage, there will come a point when looks and attraction aren't going to play a part, and there needs to be more to it, make sure you're nurturing that part of your marriage.

As far as health goes, health is very important, You want your spouse to be around with you for the long haul, encouraging good health out of love, and because you want your spouse to be with you, will typically get better results. Giving praise for small victories, and being their biggest supporter and cheerleader will mean the world.


***Edit... OMG. I got sucked in, read this whole damn thread, and didn't even pay any attention to the fact that it said 2013 NOT 2014 UGH!!! Zombie thread attacks again! ***

BinaryPulsar

Yeah, this is an old thread. But, you won't accomplish anything if your partner has reduced self-esteem or feels undesired by you.

QueenBishOTUniverse

You are your husband's wife. It is your job to encourage him, show him respect, be his cheerleader, go out of your way to initiate sex with him and keep your eyes only on him. Don't compare him to anyone else. You can't be dissatisfied with him if you make him your only desire. He is obviously hurting in some way, and you need to help him by encouraging him, helping him to figure it out and loving him unconditionally for who he is today.

Before you go saying he's not the husband you want, make sure you're being the wife he deserves.

This! I learned the hard way. Granted I was heavier when we met, but still. For 2 years I gained weight over my mom's death (it's what I blamed it on), and found out later on that he was starting to lose his attraction to me due to it, but was kinda scared to say anything. He still married me.

Now, his weight has been steady and he is 5'10" and 280, but has a lot of muscle in his legs. Do i find him unattractive? nope. Does he complain about his weight? yes. I encourage him to try and be healthy and I am proud of him. He did give up smoking because of our son, and while he doesn't exercise like he should be, i still encourage him to,

I am not always the wife that I should be (in that i don't like to be in the kitchen cooking) but i am improving and making sure that he doesn't end up with a depressed nag of a person. Marriage is work, and it's constant, that never changes. Make sure that you are everything to him, and that he is everything to you.

I know it's a necro thread, but these two posts right here....:noway: :sick: (mostly the first, but I had to include the in the kitchen bit....)

Any man that needs that much coddling can Get Right TFO!

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I feel so bad for your husband.

Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.

Less superficial?

I am not sure where you get off saying something like this.

I mean, your topic is "Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off"


ETA: FAKING ZOMBIES

Derpes

My husband and I have had conversations about this, and I have conveyed my concerns and yes have been honest. I told him that I see how self conscious he is. I told him that when we went to the beach this summer, it hurt me to see that he was battling himself and was ashamed to take his shirt off. When I first met him he smoked and has since quit. Im not sure if that has anything to do with it but he blames alot of his weight gain on that. He is always creating obstacles for himself that don't exist--and in turn is gaining weight. Working nights, eating late and not pushing himself to go to the gym is all contributing to this weight gain.

I am a bodybuilder, and I have to understand that he has different fitness goals. But I don't know what to do to motivate him. I tried compassionately talking to him about this, and since he has become so insecure he keeps asking if I still find him attractive. On top of that, yesterday he didn't eat until 2300 hours. He was so hungry from battling this all day that he binge ate pizza and wings.
Im thinking about taking him to see someone, but I would love some advice on what I can do. I do love my Husband and am willing to stand by him through this, but his weight is only one example of how he is currently not in control of his life.

Help.

Weight is the wrong thing to focus on....it is a symptom of other things that are happening. Is he stressed out?

rosebette

This may be an old thread, but the resurgence of interest in it shows that this is a common problem with a couple, especially if one is fit and committed to maintaining health and the other is not. I don't find OP's concern to be completely superficial. Her husband's lifestyle will have longterm health effects. I have been married over 30 years, and my husband has had a weight issue through most of them. I accepted him as a "big guy" or just "cuddly" and for a couple years even got a bit cuddlier myself. He was also someone who was a workaholic and traveled a lot for a living, so his work life was contributing to the problem. Without my nagging, he wouldn't have gotten a full checkup around 7 years ago, when he was diagnosed as diabetic. Since then, I've done as much as I can to maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle while he's home and encourage him to walk and do other exercise. Now that we're in our 50s and the kids are grown, we enjoy vacations and our time together. There are many aspects of a person besides the purely physical; my hope is that our remaining years together are healthy ones.