Husband is gaining weight, and its turning me off
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Hubby has put on a few since we got married also. Sure he's not chiseled and his fitness goals are non-existent but he's funny and awesome and for some reason I don't see him as anything less than perfect physically. He never cared that I was heavy (well he probably did but he never let me know in ANY way) Could it be something else that is making you less attracted to him? I know plenty of 'hotties' that have really ugly personalities which make them grotesque to me, even looking at them physically. I'm not saying it has to be that extreme but it's been my experience that attraction is not purely physical, and I'd go as far as to say that beyond the initial courtship it's not as important as people sometimes make it out to be.0
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my wife looks like shes 8 months pregnant, i get asked all the time, when is she due? for some reason I don't care, i love her no matter what, i really love the belly she has. she complains sometimes, i just tell her i think she is amazing the way she is and i am crazy about her. and i truly am, we have an amazing love life.. could care less if she was 300 lbs... yey there is a health concerns, thats life, she is very intelligent and knows the health risks, she doesn't need me preaching at her.
You sound like my husband lol This is what he's said to me in the past when I've complained about my weight. In the end I had to want to change and lose the weight. He has NEVER told me I need to lose weight or that he doesn't find me unattractive etc. He has always said I love you just the way you are. I've even asked him how could he possibly find me attractive and he has always said because I love you and nothing else matters and that I'm the most beautiful women he's ever met.
My husband is not at all over weight now but when we met and married 8 months later he was quite large. I fell in love with him when he was large and I was extremely skinny.....as in I had to put on weight to get pregnant skinny. After each child I put on weight and had a hard time taking it off. Then I got sick and had to take massive amounts of steroid quite often. I felt horrible about myself and my larger body but he never put me down for it. He actually defended me to anyone who said anything negative about my weight gain. He told people I would like to see how you look after the hell she's been through!
Now that I've lost all of that weight after those treatments and then some he tells me how proud he is of me and all of the work I put into it but reminds me that thin or not he would still love me.
My husband is thin now but his blood work is terrible. I don't get on him about what he eats. I cook very healthy meals for him. If he wants to eat stuff that isn't good for him outside the house there isn't anything I can say or do that will change that. He has to want to be healthier for himself. I had my wake up call ... some day he'll have his. Nothing I say or do will change him till he wants to change. I love him more today than the day we married. I didn't think that was possible but after 20 years I wouldn't want it any other way. He gets lectures from his doctors. He doesn't need lectures from me too.0 -
Leave him, judging from your disgusting attitude towards him, he'd probably be better off. Honestly, if my wife decided to air this problem public I'd dump her on the spot. If you made the title of this "Husband is gaining weight, and he needs help." that would be a different story. Hook up with another bodybuilder, then when you realize hes cheating on you go ahead and reminisce about the husband you could of had but didn't deserve. People like are you are the reason people are self-conscious about their weight. I feel terrible for him.
Oh my god, overreact much? I don't understand why people are giving OP such a hard time for posting on a forum about this. So what was she supposed to do, talk to her family and friends about it? IMO, THAT would be airing their dirty laundry in public. Would you rather she sit on her feelings and not talk about it to anyone? Excellent, sounds like a wonderful recipe for a healthy relationship. I'm happy so many virtuous people exist on this thread who love everything about their significant other all the time....great for you, gold stars and cookies all around. But the rest of us are human and consequently, flawed. OP is not perfect in her reaction to her husband's weight gain but it is obviously a distressing issue for both of them and I get the sense she is trying to be understanding and figure out how to help him along in his efforts.
Sheesh...tough crowd.
You get the sense she is trying to be understanding by fat shaming her husband on an online forum by telling everyone shes turned off by him? Doesn't sound like shes trying to encourage him at all, in fact shes more likely doing the exact opposite. Instead of sitting him down and talking about ways they could reform his weight for fear of health risks, she decides to go online and tell an entire forum that her husband is getting fatter and turning her off. Not once in her post did she even mention his health. If my significant other did start gaining weight, that would be my first concern. What are we suppose to say to her? I honestly do feel bad for him, knowing that the woman he loves is going online and telling entire group of people that shes turned off by his weight gain, instead of sitting him down and talking it over with him like adults. She came off as a shallow person who cares more about how her husband looks than how he feels. that's probably the source of many of these negative reactions to this disgusting post.0 -
Anyone here claiming that they are NOT superficial, and that no matter what their spouse looks like they'll still find them sexy, etc is quite honestly full of BS. Either that, or you're all very special little snowflakes. I also think someone mentioned that OP is 22. It's not unreasonable for a young adult in a young marriage to want their spouse to look good. It's not like she's 60 and complaining that her hubby no longer has a hot bod.
OP I don't know if you'll read this or not, but the main thing is, don't give up. Judging by your post you seem to be trying to approach the situation delicately, which is good, but giving up on trying entirely may make your husband feel even more self conscious. There's a lot of good ideas on this thread about doing more of the (healthy) cooking, packing him lunches, finding an activity to do together that he enjoys (and that doesn't feel like a workout), etc. Lead by example.
Do you do all of the grocery shopping? Buy less junk food or replace snack foods with healthier alternatives. Limit the options he has to pig out at home. You do have to understand that he won't make any lasting changes until HE wants to, though. I know that can be very frustrating for you, but patience is extremely important.
If he gets to the point where health is a very real concern, and he's still not making any changes/progress, then going to talk to a doctor so he can get a reality check would likely be a good idea.
Overall, just make sure everything you say/do/suggest is for HIM, though. Not for you. If you want him to feel less self conscious, he needs to know that your concern does not stem from your own personal desires.
Good luck.0 -
How would your husband feel if he knew you were posting this about him on a public forum? How would you feel if your husband posted that he was turned off by your body and habits? I would think twice about posting very personal relationship matters on a website...god forbid your poor husband found this thread somehow. I hope you can look past any outer appearances and love your husband for who he is, and be concerned for his health and not his looks, it really and truly doesn't matter.0
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Anyone here claiming that they are NOT superficial, and that no matter what their spouse looks like they'll still find them sexy, etc is quite honestly full of BS. Either that, or you're all very special little snowflakes. I also think someone mentioned that OP is 22. It's not unreasonable for a young adult in a young marriage to want their spouse to look good. It's not like she's 60 and complaining that her hubby no longer has a hot bod.
OP I don't know if you'll read this or not, but the main thing is, don't give up. Judging by your post you seem to be trying to approach the situation delicately, which is good, but giving up on trying entirely may make your husband feel even more self conscious. There's a lot of good ideas on this thread about doing more of the (healthy) cooking, packing him lunches, finding an activity to do together that he enjoys (and that doesn't feel like a workout), etc. Lead by example.
Do you do all of the grocery shopping? Buy less junk food or replace snack foods with healthier alternatives. Limit the options he has to pig out at home. You do have to understand that he won't make any lasting changes until HE wants to, though. I know that can be very frustrating for you, but patience is extremely important.
If he gets to the point where health is a very real concern, and he's still not making any changes/progress, then going to talk to a doctor so he can get a reality check would likely be a good idea.
Overall, just make sure everything you say/do/suggest is for HIM, though. Not for you. If you want him to feel less self conscious, he needs to know that your concern does not stem from your own personal desires.
Good luck.
I can't say for sure because my spouse isn't really *that* overweight. He could maybe lose 20lbs but nothing major but I can't see myself feeling differently about him. When I was 22 I might have thought differently but I don't think it's fair to say it's BS. It may be for you, but there is something really hot about a man who is patient with his children and kind with his words. You never know... in a few years you might agree ;P0 -
Anyone here claiming that they are NOT superficial, and that no matter what their spouse looks like they'll still find them sexy, etc is quite honestly full of BS. Either that, or you're all very special little snowflakes. I also think someone mentioned that OP is 22. It's not unreasonable for a young adult in a young marriage to want their spouse to look good. It's not like she's 60 and complaining that her hubby no longer has a hot bod.
OP I don't know if you'll read this or not, but the main thing is, don't give up. Judging by your post you seem to be trying to approach the situation delicately, which is good, but giving up on trying entirely may make your husband feel even more self conscious. There's a lot of good ideas on this thread about doing more of the (healthy) cooking, packing him lunches, finding an activity to do together that he enjoys (and that doesn't feel like a workout), etc. Lead by example.
Do you do all of the grocery shopping? Buy less junk food or replace snack foods with healthier alternatives. Limit the options he has to pig out at home. You do have to understand that he won't make any lasting changes until HE wants to, though. I know that can be very frustrating for you, but patience is extremely important.
If he gets to the point where health is a very real concern, and he's still not making any changes/progress, then going to talk to a doctor so he can get a reality check would likely be a good idea.
Overall, just make sure everything you say/do/suggest is for HIM, though. Not for you. If you want him to feel less self conscious, he needs to know that your concern does not stem from your own personal desires.
Good luck.
I can't say for sure because my spouse isn't really *that* overweight. He could maybe lose 20lbs but nothing major but I can't see myself feeling differently about him. When I was 22 I might have thought differently but I don't think it's fair to say it's BS. It may be for you, but there is something really hot about a man who is patient with his children and kind with his words. You never know... in a few years you might agree ;P
This is an extreme example, but I'm going to say it anyway because some people (not saying you :flowerforyou:) are making it black and white- implying that *no matter what* you should find your spouse physically attractive. What if your hubby weighed 600lbs? I'm willing to bet you'd be less inclined to take a roll in the sheets with him (however, that is NOT to say you'd love him any less, just like I think OP doesn't love her hubby any less).
As for a man being patient with his children, etc, I know I'm young but I completely agree on things like this. I don't have any kids, but a man who's good with my dogs? My goddaughter? My siblings? Sign me up.
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I feel so bad for your husband. If I felt like my partner found me undesirable I'd want to spend all day in bed hiding under the covers. No wonder he is self conscious, unsure of himself, and unmotivated!
Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.
Seriously? Can we please stop pretending that sexual attraction has nothing to do with "superficial" things like looks? Maybe weight gain wouldn't bother everyone, but I think there are quite a few people, both men and women (myself included) that are turned off when the person we're with starts gaining a lot of weight. It doesn't mean she doesn't love him. If I felt like I had let myself go to the point where my husband no longer wanted to be intimate with me, I'd work my tail off to fix it. Not because of subserviance or anything, but because I'd want him to be happy. I'd want to be the person he fell in love with, looks and all. It's not superficial, it's human nature.0 -
my wife looks like shes 8 months pregnant, i get asked all the time, when is she due? for some reason I don't care, i love her no matter what, i really love the belly she has. she complains sometimes, i just tell her i think she is amazing the way she is and i am crazy about her. and i truly am, we have an amazing love life.. could care less if she was 300 lbs... yey there is a health concerns, thats life, she is very intelligent and knows the health risks, she doesn't need me preaching at her.
Wow. You are amazing. More people need to be like you. Your wife is very lucky to have someone who loves her so!0 -
I feel so bad for your husband. If I felt like my partner found me undesirable I'd want to spend all day in bed hiding under the covers. No wonder he is self conscious, unsure of himself, and unmotivated!
I think the best way you can help him is probably to think about all the things you do love about him. Compliment him. Remind him how strong he is - it's not easy to quit smoking!
Good luck to both of you. I hope you are able to be less superficial.
Lol. Wanting to be attracted to your husband does not make you superficial, neither does being concerned about his physical and mental health. Basing a relationship entirely on looks IS superficial. Learn the difference, you're rude as hell.0 -
It seems we have gotten off topic here. You were looking for some advice rather than others interpreting your intentions and committment to your husband and making judgments on you for your frustrations and how we define attractiveness. You had mentioned taking him to see someone and if he is open to that... that sounds like a great start and an additional support for him... especially if you've noticed more depressive sysmptoms (lack of motivation, avoiding activities he once enjoyed). His weight gain could be the smoking, or it cold be more than that, and although it sounds like you are trying everything in your ability to support him, talking to someone with a different perspective can sometimes be helpful, for him... or just for you if he is unwilling. And, yes, I agree that he needs to be ready for whatever chages he wants to make, but continue to encourage him by doing things together but in very clear and in much smaller doses than what you may be suggesting (for example... rather than lets go for a walk give a timeframe or distance... will you walk with me just around one block,, and if you happen to do more great... and if not he still accomplishes the original task). The other piece that can be helpful depending on his buddies and his competitiveness/their own health is comming up with a compitition and rewards system that gets them involved and picking prizes... just wanted to throw out some extra ideas rather than opinions.
Good luck to you and yours.0 -
Good intentions, terrible choice of a title.0
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Physical attraction is definitely a part of the marital relationship along with open communication lines, and emotional/physical intimacy. I'm married and I'm in the process of losing weight. My husband has never talked down to me about my weight, but has only encouraged me and told me how beautiful I am. I decided to lose weight for myself and also believe that it's unfair to him if I let myself go. However, I made the decision myself. He never told me to lose weight. As a wife, try to support and encourage your husband to be the best possible person he can be. As so many others have said on here, make him feel like the luckiest man in the world by showing how much you love him. I believe that you are concerned about his health and I also believe that his appearance is turning you off. However, love is a choice, not a feeling. Choose to love him despite his flaws. You mentioned that he recently quit smoking (major accomplishment) so he is taking steps in the right direction concerning his health. However, getting healthy is a process. I am confident that neither one of you is perfect and that you both have issues that could be worked on in counseling as you mentioned, but counseling for both of you. I also highly recommend the book "Five Love Languages." Good luck.
P.S. When you post on here, don't expect everyone to be encouraging because it's not going to happen. Sad, but true.
So well said. With that being said
If a man posted this and titled it as above about his wife..... Its a role of a spouse to support the other. It doesn't sound like you are as supportive as you can be. What if you found out your husband said "my wife became a body builder and it turns me off" wouldn't you be hurt.0 -
leave him, it's the only way
agreed
Why are people saying this?
They aren't being serious.
I probably should've realized this. I feel like such a blonde sometimes.0 -
I feel for you, I do. Part of romantic love is physical attraction, and anyone who denies that is deluding themselves. Yes, personality plays a big part, but it can't completely override biological impulse. Nor should it have to.
My boyfriend is super fit and really enjoys exercise and healthy eating- his dad runs marathons and does triathlons and he was just raised to take really good care of himself. I'm not like that at all. I hate to work out.. It is such a struggle for me every day to eat well and exercise, but I do it. However, I don't do it because of him. I love him and I would do anything for him, but I know taking care of myself has to be something I do for myself.
Unfortunately, there isn't an easy way to say "honey, you're getting fat and I don't think it's sexy." However, if you say nothing, he might not realise what's going on, and that's not fair either. I don't think there's an easy answer but I think you know your relationship best and what kind of approach he responds well to. I would be devastated if my guy said something like to me, but when he says "you going for a run today?" Or "maybe we should stay in and make a big salad and some grilled fish..." I can take it as encouragement and a boost without hurting my feelings. But that's me. You know him best. I'm certain you can find a way to encourage him to take care of himself without hurting him.
I agree with you 100%.0 -
For 10 years, I was just like your husband. I gained a crazy amount of weight and was in complete denial about how fat and unattractive I had become. My husband has always been very athletic and in great shape, so I know it could not have been easy for him to be with me when he probably wasn't physically attracted to me at all. He did everything he could to encourage me to be more active and healthy, but I always had an excuse as to why I couldn't exercise or why I needed to eat more. Nothing he could have said or done would have made me want to lose weight. I had to want it for myself. It took me 10 years to get there, but once I finally set my mind to it, I worked my *kitten* off and made it happen.
Keep encouraging your husband to be more active and make better choices. Keep leading by example and he'll come around. It will take lots of patience on your part, but it will happen!
The same has happened with my boyfriend and I. I denied my weight gain and I just didn't want to accept that I was gaining weight! I understand both the OP and her husband's standpoint and it can be a little frustrating at first because as we all know weight is such a taboo subject. I agree with this poster that you can encourage him a little at a time. It took me 3 years of encouragement from my bf to finally get back on track
Despite what a lot of posters say, a huge weight gain does affect the physique and even though love penetrates past physical beauty, it does affect the physical attraction and emotional stress between both partners. 0 -
leave him, it's the only way
lol seriously? That's probably the most pathetic advice I've read on MFP.
Help him out, give him advice, let him know you want the best for him. Remember that it will take work and time before he's actually convinced.
Good luck 0 -
My advice is to go back to some old fashion family values when it comes to food. In the uk we have a saying "a family that eats together stays together". Making time to eat meals together with no distraction like TV, at a table gives time to put life in order. You will be closer and you can take control of when he eats and what he eats. It's hard in a busy would but I know getting up 15 minutes earlier and having breakfast together is a great start.0
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