Skinny girl and her obese boyfriend

septemberrr

Hi all,

Thanks for all the constructive (and the not so constructive feedback). I really appreciate it. I decided to chill the *kitten* out and let it all slide, and took him out for a nice shabu-shabu dinner where we had plenty of beef and pork in dunked in soup! I admit there was an unpleasant moment this morning which caused me to start this thread - we decided to have a go on the weighing scales for fun and i was shocked by his weight gain.

I have to the best of my ability, suggested for healthier dates such as long walks in the countryside and cross-country cycling whenever possible but it's tough since he works retail hours and i, a 9-5 job. I must say that he is a competent cyclist, and he easily covers 30-40 km every cycling trip, which is twice or thrice a month.

That said, I'd like to clear a misconception that his weight isn't "overweight". It doesn't sound like much, but in relation to his body, to the untrained eye he really has quite a fair bit of excess baggage. I don't know why but i feel like i have to justify my concern. Again, asian physiques differ vastly from caucasians, and I definitely will not go around accusing my loved one of being fat just for fun.

I can't possibly post his photo here so i trawled through the net to seek similar physiques, haha

http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/youtube/images/26666452/title/fat-actor-genzer-photo (something like the black haired dude).

Anyhow, I feel like i've gained so much perception from you all. Thank you all so much. I have promised myself to never broach the topic again (okay fine, I will step in things get out of hand, i.e him hitting 300lbs. That is okay, right?!) and will make an effort to make him healthy meals and to try out sports with him.

As for the drinking, don't worry guys! We're social drinkers and some weekends we don't even drink at all.

MireyGal76

Hi all,

Thanks for all the constructive (and the not so constructive feedback). I really appreciate it. I decided to chill the *kitten* out and let it all slide, and took him out for a nice shabu-shabu dinner where we had plenty of beef and pork in dunked in soup! I admit there was an unpleasant moment this morning which caused me to start this thread - we decided to have a go on the weighing scales for fun and i was shocked by his weight gain.

I have to the best of my ability, suggested for healthier dates such as long walks in the countryside and cross-country cycling whenever possible but it's tough since he works retail hours and i, a 9-5 job. I must say that he is a competent cyclist, and he easily covers 30-40 km every cycling trip, which is twice or thrice a month.

That said, I'd like to clear a misconception that his weight isn't "overweight". It doesn't sound like much, but in relation to his body, to the untrained eye he really has quite a fair bit of excess baggage. I don't know why but i feel like i have to justify my concern. Again, asian physiques differ vastly from caucasians, and I definitely will not go around accusing my loved one of being fat just for fun.

I can't possibly post his photo here so i trawled through the net to seek similar physiques, haha

http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/youtube/images/26666452/title/fat-actor-genzer-photo (something like the black haired dude).

Anyhow, I feel like i've gained so much perception from you all. Thank you all so much. I have promised myself to never broach the topic again (okay fine, I will step in things get out of hand, i.e him hitting 300lbs. That is okay, right?!) and will make an effort to make him healthy meals and to try out sports with him.

As for the drinking, don't worry guys! We're social drinkers and some weekends we don't even drink at all.

thank you for the update...

you know, if he is drinking a lot a beer - a lot of that belly volume could be from beer bloat. see if he will experiment with a different type of liquor.

slimmer1972

BMI is BS. Can't tell if someone is overweight just from height and weight. (I'm nearly obese apparently at 10% BF)

^^^This. In college I was 196lbs and 5' 10" with 11% BF. I was a Brick Shi(r)t House, but I was not obese.

Gee_24

I never knew it hurt that much to be told that one needs to re-think one's diet. In fact I thought he'd be glad that someone is showing him that much concern.

No, but it hurts when you say harsh words about someone's looks, which you said you have.


My ex was model material, I'm not. He noticed every lb gained on me and told me. This made me eat more. Sometimes for comfort, sometimes to SPITE him and show him I do what I want my body is my concern and being 9 stone is not the end of the world. And not obese for my height.

Every time he mentioned it, I liked him a little less. ( Of course, I still LOVED him ) And it made me distance myself from him until when we broke up, I was completely relieved, after 5 years. As he was never happy with me and felt we were mismatched. He was gorgeous, I was short and fat. And going to die young.

My partner was most likely more harsh than you are, I get that. But with every comment, harsh or not, I felt less attracted to him and less like a team. And that he didnt love me for who I was, but how I looked or healthy I was.

It's completely normal to worry about your partner. My boyfriend was 16.5 stone at one point this year, and a smoker, and I have lost sleep worrying. The solution? I started MFP and he saw great results and joined me. He is now 2.7 stone down and doing well. Soft encouragement...

kyleekay10

Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.

This. If you're worried about his health....I'd be worried about his liver. I like to put a few back, but damn. Get the alcohol thing figured out and I think the rest will take care of itself.

Drinking problems are a separate issue. I don't see that being addressed here, but I would definitely be more concerned about the drinking problem.

OP, I suggest you address the drinking problem FOR YOURSELF and get into some type of Al-anon program in your area. That will help you take the focus off him and put it on yourself.

I and a few others talked about the drinking. He's a 28 year old dude, 6 feet tall and 196 lbs. 12 beers and ~8 oz of whiskey spread over 2 days is not THAT much, and it certainly doesn't set off alcoholism bells. He's a young guy and he drinks on the weekends.

I feel like everyone is reading that he drinks that much EVERY day, when OP states it's only on the weekends.

TKRV

My boyfriend and I are very similar. Here is what I suggest.

Don't mention his weight

Don't mention his healthy

Don't mention his lifespan

Don't mention his gut

Instead, invite him to join you in some physical activity. Perhaps he is also like my boyfriend in that gyms and solo workouts just don't do it for him. Try something new, like rock climbing or hiking through a state park. I find it works best if I am already committed to doing something. Say I go rock climbing. I invite him along but he says no. So, I go on my own. A few days later, I decide to go again. This time he comes with because he knows that I am going no matter what and it could be a fun way to spend time together. And we just keep going.

Then, when you notice something positive about his health or weight, feel free to comment on it. Tell him he looks like he's lost weight or that you're impressed with how much he has improved in said physical activity.

For you, it may not be rock climbing, but the 'let's go have fun' method works better for me than the 'don't you want to be healthy' method.

FlaxMilk

My ex was model material, I'm not. He noticed every lb gained on me and told me. This made me eat more. Sometimes for comfort, sometimes to SPITE him and show him I do what I want my body is my concern and being 9 stone is not the end of the world. And not obese for my height.

Every time he mentioned it, I liked him a little less. ( Of course, I still LOVED him ) And it made me distance myself from him until when we broke up, I was completely relieved, after 5 years. As he was never happy with me and felt we were mismatched. He was gorgeous, I was short and fat. And going to die young.

My partner was most likely more harsh than you are, I get that. But with every comment, harsh or not, I felt less attracted to him and less like a team. And that he didnt love me for who I was, but how I looked or healthy I was.

It's completely normal to worry about your partner. My boyfriend was 16.5 stone at one point this year, and a smoker, and I have lost sleep worrying. The solution? I started MFP and he saw great results and joined me. He is now 2.7 stone down and doing well. Soft encouragement...

Sorry you had that relationship and felt that way. Your picture caught my eye because your tummy looks awesome, and it was such a contrast to how your boyfriend perceived you. Looking at your other pictures, you're quite striking and pretty. Love the red hair. It's nice for him that he was so good looking, but your pictures weren't what I was expecting from the above post.

Bigjuicyhog

BMI is a load of crap everyone is assuming that because this guy is getting good BMI figures based on height and weight that he isnt really overweight and that septemberrr is wrong for thinking so.

the guy might be a really tall featherweight so when he packs on the weight it doesnt look so bad on the BMI scale i have a friend like that he is quite tall but a naturally small boned wispy sort of guy. he is actually quite muscular although he doesnt look it and his BMI has him being massively underweight but if you knew him you would know that isnt true its just the way he is built.

Me on the other hand, even when i was at my prime and had a body fat percentage of 4% my BMI had me at being overweight but im just a stocky little fella short and nuggety even without excess weight.

i dont put too much stock in something like BMI calculated on height and weight. too many variables.

im sure if she thinks he is overweight and she is going to this much trouble then there is probably something to what she is saying.

Things that never happened... you at 4 percent bodyfat unless you were a professional bodybuilder on competition day and close to dying.

TheSlorax

I can't believe that save for a few replies. EVERYONE missed the fact that the OP is from japan. for ****'s sake, who woulda thunk that a culture has different values on health than what we hold true in the US. she's not being shallow, being overweight is not very common in her country and she's genuinely scared for his health.


OP, your new approach sounds much better. i would add to make sure you reassure him that it is not an aesthetic concern whatsoever so he doesn't feel bad about himself. I know that is a small part of why you are concerned but he doesn't need to know that. also, good job on taking everyone's advice to heart and not going on the defense.

conniemaxwell5

Sorry, but it's not up to you to make decisions about his weight or health. You control you, he controls himself. I understand your concern for him but how do you react when someone tells you what to do, especially when you don't want to do it? If you love him, you love him unconditionally, meaning whether he's overweight or not. 6' and 196 lbs is not obese.

mistertug

Do him a favor and dump him

BUMPSTEAD

Empty threats never work. You either except him and his behavior or you don't. I'm on the flip side of this coin I'm heavy and he's got the skinny genes he never bothers me about my weight . He has to realize that his weight does effect you. All that weight laying on you during intimacy. You deserve to apprieciate the look of your partner. He probably would not except you at his weight. Men somethime have double standard. One thing that I find different between men and women is..... Men always have a preference and we always settle. My husband does prefer a larger women. Do you prefer a larger man?

astartig

can i just add this Keto diet sounds absolutely unhealthy. it might burn fat but what about your cholesterol. if you truly claim it isnt about the weight and its about his health i dont think you would be considering this Keto diet.

just make healthy tasty meals it really isnt that hard. i live with a vegan and i was surprised to find that a lot of the meals she cooks taste better than the stuff i eat. delicious stir fry's and curries, fried rice, cous cous there really is a lot of options if you look.

morrocan chicken and soups. they can be delicous they just take a little extra work to prepare

good Cholesterol is actually improved with the keto diet. It is NOT unhealthy.

newmanel

I can relate to the original post. It really is distressing when you see your partner gain weight with abandon, all the more so when you are trying hard to be conscientious about what you eat. In a way, it's not so much about the weight itself but the differing attitudes about how to treat your own body. When those values aren't shared, it is a legitimate source of tension. I've been there with my ex, and there was nothing I could do. While I think it's healthy for you to chill out, it's not like this is totally outside your purview, either, when you have made a commitment to each other.

WDEvy

6" 198 lbs is like perfect weigh for a guy. It's perfectly healthy and nowhere near overweight or obese. If you're not attracted to him don't concern troll him. That's just sad, honey.

grentea

Why don't you just dump him if he is so fat? If I was him, I would be absolutely mortified by your words. Accept him for who he is or dump him.

reneeisnowhere

its sweet you care, but either love him for who he is, where he is, or move on.

This is truly important, take care of yourself, you are not his mother.

silken555

My ex was model material, I'm not. He noticed every lb gained on me and told me. This made me eat more. Sometimes for comfort, sometimes to SPITE him and show him I do what I want my body is my concern and being 9 stone is not the end of the world. And not obese for my height.

Every time he mentioned it, I liked him a little less. ( Of course, I still LOVED him ) And it made me distance myself from him until when we broke up, I was completely relieved, after 5 years. As he was never happy with me and felt we were mismatched. He was gorgeous, I was short and fat. And going to die young.

My partner was most likely more harsh than you are, I get that. But with every comment, harsh or not, I felt less attracted to him and less like a team. And that he didnt love me for who I was, but how I looked or healthy I was.

It's completely normal to worry about your partner. My boyfriend was 16.5 stone at one point this year, and a smoker, and I have lost sleep worrying. The solution? I started MFP and he saw great results and joined me. He is now 2.7 stone down and doing well. Soft encouragement...

Sorry you had that relationship and felt that way. Your picture caught my eye because your tummy looks awesome, and it was such a contrast to how your boyfriend perceived you. Looking at your other pictures, you're quite striking and pretty. Love the red hair. It's nice for him that he was so good looking, but your pictures weren't what I was expecting from the above post.

QFT!

meltedsno

I have experienced the same situation as the OP...except in reverse... my ex husband could eat anything and everything and not gain an ounce. It seemed all I had to do was look at what he was eating and I would gain a ton....

After listening to his demeaning comments on a daily basis, I finally got the message and lost weight -- I managed to dump 180 lbs in one day -- 22 years of his nagging finally took its toll and I got rid of of him and have never been happier. I have been with someone for the past 3 years who has looked beyond my few extra pounds to love me for who I really am... and guess what??? The pounds have been miraculously dropping...

The "skinny girl" needs to worry about her own health rather than that of her boyfriend. Skinny is not any healthier.... in fact if she were to get sick, she'd have no weight to fight with.

Just lay off the poor guy.... Either you love him the way he is, or save you both a lifetime of misery and get out. As for the OP's concern about his health/dying young -- he could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die -- and that would have nothing to do with his weight. If you truly love this man, enjoy the days, the moments you have with him because that bus could be right around the corner.