Is he hitting on me??

Hangnbang

He love you and he wants ya and he secretly hates you're husband

Soccermavrick

Sounds like the one night meant more to him. And now that you are talking, he is testing the waters. Honestly though, calling him, stopping by to watch a show, and get a drink of water, to me you are doing a little flirting yourself, whether intended or not. And sounds like he is trying to see if you are or not.

FatHuMan1

I'm going to keep this uncharacteristically brief. It does bother me a bit some of the assumptions being made.

From the op's words, he asked for a pic. Not necessarily a pic of her lady parts. Assumption! I think I family pic is a GREAT idea!
A true "burlesque" show does not automatically mean nudity. Yes, it's sexually suggestive, but it's not necessarily a strip show. Of course, it could be, or perhaps OP chose those words herself. Still...assumption!
OP went into his house, not the other way around. Just correcting one or two peoples interpretation of the original post.

yes, I think he's exploring the boundries. Yes, I think he'd like to get some. Perhaps (and this is mere speculation) the "hot blonde" comment was an attempt to illicit jealousy!?!

For all that, it's entirely possible he's genuinely a friend. Males are driven strongly to mate at the biochemical level. That doesn't lessen the sincerity of the friendship, but it may add an additional layer. I have female friends who I genuinely care about and have adult conversations with....this doesn't stop me from occasionally viewing them as potential mates. To say he ONLY wants to bed you is an...assumption! He may well ALSO want to bed you...but still be friends.

But until he makes an overt pass even that is speculation.

It's ridiculous to say you should cut him out of your life cold turkey. If you consider him a friend and he seems to consider you a friend and your husband gets along with him, there's a good chance you're friends. So TALK to him. True friends can talk about stuff! Ask him straight out! The only reason I see to cut him out of your life is because you either don't trust your ability to keep him at bay (or are unsure you can remain uninterested) or because who somehow determine that his friendly relationship is motivated not by friendship but by the hope of sex. So find out! A true friend will talk honestly about their feelings. And friendships are always worth maintaining.

And you may mean nothing by what you say or do, but try and see it from his point of view so as not to give him the opportunity to misread your intentions. Make it clear, both directly and indirectly that you are a committed wife and not interested in fooling around.

Once the question is out in the open you can grade his response. Until then everyone is speculating and making assumptions about someone we've never met. You know what happens when you make an assumption? You make an *kitten* out of "you" and "umption".

I agree, if I was your husband even if I trusted you I'd be at least keeping an eye on things, and not so "meh". But I've been burned.

tl; dr ver:

he's probably testing the waters
he may still be a genuine friend
friends should be able to talk to each other or they're not friends
so give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he's a friend, and talk to him about the vibe you're getting and that it makes you uncomfortable.
Only when there is reason to do so should you discontinue your friendship.

ps So much for being brief.

Well said. This ^

Submariner5

Sounds like the one night meant more to him. And now that you are talking, he is testing the waters. Honestly though, calling him, stopping by to watch a show, and get a drink of water, to me you are doing a little flirting yourself, whether intended or not. And sounds like he is trying to see if you are or not.

Absolutely^^

He's just following up on what he sees as a few clear signals of interest. If as you say, he "makes your skin crawl", then I'm really wondering why you stopped by at his house for a drink of water and to watch a show. That's certainly not a move that telegraphs "I think you are a creep."

I don't think he makes you feel as uncomfortable as you claim he does. Your actions toward him certainly don't show that.

leadslinger17

He may know that you are not interested and that you are faithful to your husband, but he is trying to put it to the test. You are for sure sending mixed signals (not intentionally I believe but that doesn't change the fact that you aren't exactly acting like a happily married woman), and it doesn't help that when he acts in a suggestive way (whether intentionally or not) rather than being completely clear you either discard it or seem to encourage it. I can guarantee laughing it off or ignoring it makes the guy think "hmm, she didn't send me that pic, but she didn't get mad either. She didn't lay down the law, I think she likes the attention but feels guilty. Maybe this just requires a little more work. If she were completely satisfied at home she wouldn't be coming to see me so much".

Your husband trusts you because he trusts you will enforce whatever boundaries you guys have agreed on. If you are not actually enforcing them with other men, just enjoying the attention, not telling them to stop, and hoping things won't go to far or that you'll be able to handle it when you do you're abusing your husband's trust. You are lucky your husband is so confident, he might be more hurt than you think and just playing it cool. How would you feel if the situations were reversed and a female friend of your husbands were acting this way? Or if your husband had asked towards another woman friend the way your guy friend did? How would you want that situation to play out?

Two things to consider. This guy, if he is trying to make something happen, is a scumbag. He doesn't respect your marriage or your husband. And if you think about it, he isn't really a friend that respects you. He either thinks you are so insecure about yourself that you will cheat or need his attention, or that your morals are so low that you would cheat. Do you really want a "friend" that views you that way? You can do better... the world is full of potential friends. Ditch him, raise your standards, and find someone who is a true friend with some character.

If he has no intentions of making something happen and just accidentally crossed a boundary or said something that was taken the wrong way, it is your job to set the record straight immediately. Even if it doesn't bother you if he asked you for a pic, his intentions need to be known, and you need to make it perfectly clear that any type of behavior like this isn't welcome and will never, ever be returned. Something like "I don't know what you mean, but I'm not sending you any pics ever. Don't ask again, friends don't do that." or "If you want a picture of me you can ask my husband for one. If you meant anything else, it's inappropriate and I don't like it." would be pretty clear that you are serious about it. Once that is done if it ever happens again you know for sure it is intentionally inappropriate (since now he explicitly knows the bounds), and it should be easy to cut him out of your life. He also needs to know that you share everything with your husband (and then you actually have to share everything with your husband, and not hide the stuff you think might make him upset). People tend to get a lot more bold when they believe their actions are in secret.

My general rule is that I should not say or do anything with a woman that I wouldn't say or do in front of my wife, and I expect the same from her. Would your husband be ok if this guy walked into your house and in front of him asked for pics or for you to go to this burlesque show? Or do you think your friend would behave differently? Because a true friend would treat you the same way in front of your husband as he does when you are alone or when he thinks your husband will never see the texts he sends you. If he acts all flirty alone or in texts, but then just acts formal or like a buddy in public or when your husband is around, then he is just behaving himself when he thinks he'll get caught.

dbmata

Never in a million years would I be down with my SO seeing somebody he ****ed as "friends". This whole thing is really bizarro to me. Just being real.

It is bizarro, there's a **** ton we're not getting. I'd put money on there being a some bang dates since, possibly even recently.

dbmata

And he knows I'm about to drop the hammer on this type of stuff if the friend continues. So he doesn't see anything to be mad about.

So who got hammered?



As for your previous post... I don't think you really understand the concepts of aggression or vitriol, I'd advise thicker skin.

AlongCame_Molly

If I was your husband, I'd be going round to have a chat with him by now.

This is what I thought, wtf kinda husband just says "meh" to all this....

Whipped?
Hitting strange on the side?
A quid pro quo type... "You did this, so I shall do this..."
Neutered?
Ign'ant?
Gay?

or he could have a swinger fantasy or at least a voyeur fantasy.

And of course youre an intelligent woman you know the answer from your friend. I'm sure he often fantasizes about you and that night.

Your two choices are you blow it off and tell him you love him like a brother but he needs to back the F off, or you let this relationship die

Wise words. Duly noted.

Of course because it patted you on the head instead of just laying things out there.

Listen, we all finally understand how awesome you are. Your husband lets you do what ever you want, because you're just so amazing and trustworthy... yet, you're basically dating another dude who you've already given the goods to.

Let's be honest here Mrs. Antoinette, who exactly in this story is the cake that shall be eaten?

Hmmm, now I'm really wondering who burned you in a past relationship to make you spew such aggressive vitriol at a complete stranger, who is not, as you claim "full on cake and eat it". I'm not sure where you got the idea that I am "dating" this friend, or that he is "fawning" over me.

I am ALL FOR things being "laid out" for me, as long as they are accurate. You're jumping to all sorts of wild conclusions, like

1. I enjoy the more-than-friendship attention I'm getting from the friend (untrue. It makes my skin crawl, to be perfectly honest)
2. my husband must be gay (hilarious)
3. I am purposely hiding things from my husband. (tell him every detail, the moment it happens)



I'm sorry she was such a b**** to you. I hope you get over her one day and learn to love again.

Hi. I posted a while back about getting rid of this friend. Is it safe to assume from your post above that you told your husband all the details, including the texts? What was his reaction? Does HE think your friend was hitting on you?

Yeah, husband knows everything. We don't do secrets from each other. He's not upset, he's just kind of wondering what is going on. Exact quote from him: "I'm just as puzzled by this recent behavior of his as you are. I want to know why he would choose a married woman over an eligible blond to go to a titty show." He's not mad, he's like wtf, just like me. He suspects he's hitting on me, but he trusts me enough to not let things go any further, and he knows he's" not my type".

And he knows I'm about to drop the hammer on this type of stuff if the friend continues. So he doesn't see anything to be mad about.

I see. I don't know but given that you all hang out together as a threesome I would've thought he'd be pissed at the disrespect shown to him. Another question.. Does the friend know that your husband knows about you sleeping together in the past?

Husband is really mellow. He doesn't get upset at things that he can't control, or don't threaten him. I think a small part of him might even be kinda proud that his wife and baby mama is still getting attention, and he know only HE'S taking me home.

That's a good question, though...I always assumed he knew, but now I'm not sure. I can't specifically remember telling him. Hmmmm, great insight.

AlongCame_Molly

Sounds like the one night meant more to him. And now that you are talking, he is testing the waters. Honestly though, calling him, stopping by to watch a show, and get a drink of water, to me you are doing a little flirting yourself, whether intended or not. And sounds like he is trying to see if you are or not.

Absolutely^^

He's just following up on what he sees as a few clear signals of interest. If as you say, he "makes your skin crawl", then I'm really wondering why you stopped by at his house for a drink of water and to watch a show. That's certainly not a move that telegraphs "I think you are a creep."

I don't think he makes you feel as uncomfortable as you claim he does. Your actions toward him certainly don't show that.

Sorry for not being clearer--the idea of getting with him makes my skin crawl. Not him in general. He's a nice guy and we've been friends for a really long time. It would be like getting it on with my brother. :sick:

AlongCame_Molly

Never in a million years would I be down with my SO seeing somebody he ****ed as "friends". This whole thing is really bizarro to me. Just being real.

It is bizarro, there's a **** ton we're not getting. I'd put money on there being a some bang dates since, possibly even recently.

You'd lose a lot of money. Stop projecting your crybaby hurtie-feelies on me. I wasn't the one who broke your heart. Though I'm starting to see why she would do anything she could to get away from you...

heylookitsval

Sounds like the one night meant more to him. And now that you are talking, he is testing the waters. Honestly though, calling him, stopping by to watch a show, and get a drink of water, to me you are doing a little flirting yourself, whether intended or not. And sounds like he is trying to see if you are or not.

Absolutely^^

He's just following up on what he sees as a few clear signals of interest. If as you say, he "makes your skin crawl", then I'm really wondering why you stopped by at his house for a drink of water and to watch a show. That's certainly not a move that telegraphs "I think you are a creep."

I don't think he makes you feel as uncomfortable as you claim he does. Your actions toward him certainly don't show that.

Sorry for not being clearer--the idea of getting with him makes my skin crawl. Not him in general. He's a nice guy and we've been friends for a really long time. It would be like getting it on with my brother. :sick:

Didn't you already bang him once? Eww.

AlongCame_Molly

And he knows I'm about to drop the hammer on this type of stuff if the friend continues. So he doesn't see anything to be mad about.

So who got hammered?



As for your previous post... I don't think you really understand the concepts of aggression or vitriol, I'd advise thicker skin.

And for you I'd advise some therapy and meds...maybe a puppy to snuggle?

coyoteo

I have a lot of guy friends and I guess this all sounds like typical guy stuff. He's your friend and wants to spend time with you so he asked you to the show first. As for the pic thing, I would have sent back an amazing pic of a toaster or me with my tongue out. But who knows. If you're uncomfortable with it, put some distance on your boundaries with him. Or put him in his place once or twice, it doesn't take much to get through to most dudes.

Still_Fluffy

If he send you anouther one I would not respond at all. The next time you go on a run (it should make it less acward) you tell him his text are getting into an area you are not comfortable with. Tell him to stop it because you love your husband.

Also tell your husband about it. He has every right to know about it.

AlongCame_Molly

Sounds like the one night meant more to him. And now that you are talking, he is testing the waters. Honestly though, calling him, stopping by to watch a show, and get a drink of water, to me you are doing a little flirting yourself, whether intended or not. And sounds like he is trying to see if you are or not.

Absolutely^^

He's just following up on what he sees as a few clear signals of interest. If as you say, he "makes your skin crawl", then I'm really wondering why you stopped by at his house for a drink of water and to watch a show. That's certainly not a move that telegraphs "I think you are a creep."

I don't think he makes you feel as uncomfortable as you claim he does. Your actions toward him certainly don't show that.

Sorry for not being clearer--the idea of getting with him makes my skin crawl. Not him in general. He's a nice guy and we've been friends for a really long time. It would be like getting it on with my brother. :sick:

Didn't you already bang him once? Eww.

In the very beginning of our friendship, yes. :embarassed: When I was plastered drunk. PLASTERED. P L A S T E R E R D .

Chieflrg

Ok., so I've been "out of the game" for a while, now and maybe I'm picking up things that aren't there, but I'm not sure. Can you guys weigh in?

I've got a friend I've known for about 7 years. We used to work together, he was my supervisor. We've always had a chill, laid back friendship. There's never been anything between us, except ONE time about 6 years ago I got trashy white girl-wasted and slept with him. We both agreed it was a stupid mistake and we decided to forget it and act as though it never happened. (I don't remember much of it, anyway-GAWD I was a skank :embarassed: ) It has never caused weirdness or awkwardness between us.

Now I've been married for three years, and he's still single. My husband knows everything about us, and is cool with it. He knows I never wanted it to happen in the first place, and knows there's no chance at all of anything ever happening again, especially since now I am a teetotaler for deeply religious reasons.

Occasionally the friend will come over to our house and have dinner with me and my husband, because he lives just down the street from us. They get along well. Sometimes the friend and I will go on neighborhood runs together, as we both like to stay in shape to do 5ks. So there's your back story.

About a month ago this friend texted me from a night out at a casino. We were messaging back and forth when when said

"Send me a pic, mamas? Miss you"

This is NOT how he usually speaks to me. He's never sent a text like that. We do not have pet names for each other, and I do not send him pics. I feel that to be super inappropriate and I save things like that for my husband. I didn't want to tell him off though, on the off chance that he didn't mean that text for me, and I sound like a crazy person. SO i just replied something like,

"Lol, how drunk are you? " and he said

"not drunk at all, I'm driving".

I ended up not answering that one, and it never came up in conversation. Whether he was forgot about it or was embarrassed, or it was meant for someone else, I couldn't say.

(I don't know if this is relevant, but also 2 nights ago I was out jogging alone and I finished my run right across the street from his apartment. I called to see if he was home, and I went in to his place and got some water and hung out with him and watched an episode of The Office then he gave me a ride home. My husband was aware of all of this.)

Flash forward to tonight, where he texts me:

"hey I got invited to a burlesque show with some coworkers tonight, you wanna go?"

I told him I couldn't as I have school early the next morning, and if I was tired my workout was going to suffer. His response:

"OK got a smoking hot blonde to go with me! Damn guess I have to stay up late lol"

:huh: :huh: :huh:

What....the hell? Did he just ask me out on a date? WHY would he ask a MARRIED, honest woman to go to a STRIP SHOW, b e f o r e asking a "smoking hot blonde" to go with him?

I have mentioned in passing before that I enjoy having the complete trust of my husband, and I'm glad he's so chill with who I hang out with...could the friend possibly take that to mean that my husband doesn't mind "sharing"? Cuz he is NOT down with that, lol.

What is going on?? Is he putting out feelers to make a pass at me, am I just being paranoid? Am I sending him mixed signals? I have been careful not to, I have zero feelings for him, NONE, but maybe I need to reel it in even more?? Wtf? He's never acted like this before. I'm totally confused.

Feedback would be welcome.

There. Highlighted the relevant parts. That should answer your question.

TRU DAT

Vincentsz

You are hot and he is a man! So YES YES YES! A man can only truly be friends with a woman that is NOT ATTRACTIVE! Otherwise genetics and basic instincts take over!

The male of every species on this planet has one primary purpose! Procreate his bloodline!

metaphoria

I think you have to decide whether your continued ego boost with your friend is worth upsetting your marriage, or if your marriage is worth ending your friendship.

i_sling_sticks

I think you already know the answer to this. Advice? Trust your gut.

AlongCame_Molly

I think you have to decide whether your continued ego boost with your friend is worth upsetting your marriage, or if your marriage is worth ending your friendship.

I understand what you're saying, and I agree, but you are completely missing the point of this thread. (See thread title)