Women in relationships aren't allowed to have male friends?

CorvusCorax77

Question for those that have had trust issues and no longer do, or jealousy issues - how do you get over them?

Date someone you trust.

I have never once in my life feared being cheated on because I have always dated men who had standards for how they wanted to be in the world. It wasn't "oh i'm so in love with corvus corax, I would never cheat!" It was "I am a man of my word and I would never treat any human being like that." This is how.

I've never had jealousy issues, even though I've been cheated on.

Mainly because I don't feel like having a man in my life is the be all and end all. Being single is OK. If a guy wants to be with someone else, he shouldn't let the door hit him on the way out. I'll be good alone or find someone else. So I guess my thing is, I don't get jealous because I don't want to have to be on the alert all the time. If another woman talks to my SO, he's either going to cheat or he's not. I assume he won't and if he does, then bye bye. It isn't worth the energy.

Why would you want to be like that? Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't feel you can trust? Why do you want to be in any relationship if you can't handle that men and women both live in the world and talk to each other? If he lies to you, you're going to know. Then you have a choice to make.

Be happy and secure with who you are and the life you have that is your own and it won't matter so much.

I don't know if this comment is in response to me or not, but I have also been in open relationships so the simple fact that I don't worry about being cheated on doesn't mean that I spend all my time worrying about who my man talks to. I also don't give my heart out easily so I would never have this attitude of "don't let the door hit you on your way out." I get attached I suppose. That's not to say I don't ever have "issues" but mine aren't about my man having women friends, or my man cheating on me.

rml_16

Question for those that have had trust issues and no longer do, or jealousy issues - how do you get over them?

Date someone you trust.

I have never once in my life feared being cheated on because I have always dated men who had standards for how they wanted to be in the world. It wasn't "oh i'm so in love with corvus corax, I would never cheat!" It was "I am a man of my word and I would never treat any human being like that." This is how.

I've never had jealousy issues, even though I've been cheated on.

Mainly because I don't feel like having a man in my life is the be all and end all. Being single is OK. If a guy wants to be with someone else, he shouldn't let the door hit him on the way out. I'll be good alone or find someone else. So I guess my thing is, I don't get jealous because I don't want to have to be on the alert all the time. If another woman talks to my SO, he's either going to cheat or he's not. I assume he won't and if he does, then bye bye. It isn't worth the energy.

Why would you want to be like that? Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't feel you can trust? Why do you want to be in any relationship if you can't handle that men and women both live in the world and talk to each other? If he lies to you, you're going to know. Then you have a choice to make.

Be happy and secure with who you are and the life you have that is your own and it won't matter so much.

I don't know if this comment is in response to me or not, but I have also been in open relationships so the simple fact that I don't worry about being cheated on doesn't mean that I spend all my time worrying about who my man talks to. I also don't give my heart out easily so I would never have this attitude of "don't let the door hit you on your way out." I get attached I suppose. That's not to say I don't ever have "issues" but mine aren't about my man having women friends, or my man cheating on me.

Nah. It was in response to the other post. I'm just too lazy to cut. Sorry!

Also, I do get attached and I'm not saying I wouldn't be sad about it. Just that I can't live my life worrying about that and I live assuming it isn't going to happen until it does. And then I need to move on, even if it takes a while to recover.

DSTMT

Hey, I might be crazy, but I just had a look back at the original thread and it seems as though all the posts by that rawfood troller have disappeared completely. I've never seen that happen before so I thought I'd mention it, seems odd.

BinaryPulsar

I know that. But it's also total crap, through and through. I found nothing redeeming about those books. At all.

Now, The Taking of Sleeping Beauty did shock me a bit. I had to stop reading at a very specific scene and will not pick it up again. However, at least Anne Rice can write!

that she can, I need to pick that up and check it out.

People here kept talking about it, so I got it from Amazon. The scene that got me was basically a guy raping another guy -- very brutally.

That kind of thing isn't really a turn-on to me, so yeah, I couldn't go any further. lol But if you can handle that, you might enjoy it.

I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy and it had some pretty brutal stuff in it too...the Dutch versions of the films were much more graphic than the American version of the first installment.

Aren't those about hunting a serial killer, though? I went into the Beauty book thinking it was just a bit of porn.

The first one has a serial killer in it, but the book is basically about Lisbeth's history and how she came to be how she is...and what she does to get even..if you have only seen the first one I recommend reading the whole series...very well written and you would never guess how it all ties together until the very end. I thought the same thing about the first book...How in the world did they get the title, because it didn't seem to be about her at all..but it lays the groundwork for the other two.

I was told the original title was "Men who hate women".... the #1 reason I have no interest in reading that book.

I think that is misinformation that you got. The man that wrote the trilogy did so for very personal reasons and traumatic experiences with the subject matter of women being raped. I read the books and saw the original movie series. It is very intense and triggering. But, it is very well done. And I liked it a lot. I can't say that for many movies (but I do like to read). It is about Lisbeth's life, and her experiences that have led her to where she is and how she is mistreated and takes matters into her own hands to protect herself (because she won't be able to get help from law enforcement). It's just a book/movie. I would never be ok with this in real life. But, I have to say that I really liked her strong character, and found it to be healing in a unique kind of way and empowering. And it has been a movie that RAINN has discussed and done viewings of. There is another plot line in which she is investigating a cold case murder, and uncovers what is at the root of all that occurred back then.

There are many kind and good men in the plot lines as well. In the Original version it is better.

I think whoever said the original title was that was missing the point.

Now, it is very controversial and not all survivors like it because it is very triggering. I did not like the American version of the movie. It lacked the strong female lead and was too emotionless for me and was kind of creepy when Lisbeth gets into a sexual relationship with the male lead (it was not creepy in the original versions and worked well with the plot). If I had only seen the American movie I would have strongly disliked it. It would not hold my interest and I could not watch the whole thing of the American movie. I loved Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth in the Original versions and she is also very muscular and strong. I hope I didn't give away the plot too much. I don't think I did.

CorvusCorax77

I know that. But it's also total crap, through and through. I found nothing redeeming about those books. At all.

Now, The Taking of Sleeping Beauty did shock me a bit. I had to stop reading at a very specific scene and will not pick it up again. However, at least Anne Rice can write!

that she can, I need to pick that up and check it out.

People here kept talking about it, so I got it from Amazon. The scene that got me was basically a guy raping another guy -- very brutally.

That kind of thing isn't really a turn-on to me, so yeah, I couldn't go any further. lol But if you can handle that, you might enjoy it.

I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy and it had some pretty brutal stuff in it too...the Dutch versions of the films were much more graphic than the American version of the first installment.

Aren't those about hunting a serial killer, though? I went into the Beauty book thinking it was just a bit of porn.

The first one has a serial killer in it, but the book is basically about Lisbeth's history and how she came to be how she is...and what she does to get even..if you have only seen the first one I recommend reading the whole series...very well written and you would never guess how it all ties together until the very end. I thought the same thing about the first book...How in the world did they get the title, because it didn't seem to be about her at all..but it lays the groundwork for the other two.

I was told the original title was "Men who hate women".... the #1 reason I have no interest in reading that book.

I think that is misinformation that you got. The man that wrote the trilogy did so for very personal reasons and traumatic experiences with the subject matter of women being raped. I read the books and saw the original movie series. It is very intense and triggering. But, it is very well done. And I liked it a lot. I can't say that for many movies (but I do like to read). It is about Lisbeth's life, and her experiences that have led her to where she is and how she is mistreated and takes matters into her own hands to protect herself (because she won't be able to get help from law enforcement). It's just a book/movie. I would never be ok with this in real life. But, I have to say that I really liked her strong character, and found it to be healing in a unique kind of way and empowering. And it has been a movie that RAINN has discussed and done viewings of. There is another plot line in which she is investigating a cold case murder, and uncovers what is at the root of all that occurred back then.

There are many kind and good men in the plot lines as well. In the Original version it is better.

I think whoever said the original title was that was missing the point.

Now, it is very controversial and not all survivors like it because it is very triggering. I did not like the American version of the movie. It lacked the strong female lead and was too emotionless for me and was kind of creepy when Lisbeth gets into a sexual relationship with the male lead (it was not creepy in the original versions and worked well with the plot). If I had only seen the American movie I would have strongly disliked it. It would not hold my interest and I could not watch the whole thing of the American movie. I loved Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth in the Original versions and she is also very muscular and strong. I hope I didn't give away the plot too much. I don't think I did.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Girl_with_the_Dragon_Tattoo

http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/2008/06/have-you-read-stieg-larsson-men-who.html

just sayin'.

BinaryPulsar

I know that. But it's also total crap, through and through. I found nothing redeeming about those books. At all.

Now, The Taking of Sleeping Beauty did shock me a bit. I had to stop reading at a very specific scene and will not pick it up again. However, at least Anne Rice can write!

that she can, I need to pick that up and check it out.

People here kept talking about it, so I got it from Amazon. The scene that got me was basically a guy raping another guy -- very brutally.

That kind of thing isn't really a turn-on to me, so yeah, I couldn't go any further. lol But if you can handle that, you might enjoy it.

I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy and it had some pretty brutal stuff in it too...the Dutch versions of the films were much more graphic than the American version of the first installment.

Aren't those about hunting a serial killer, though? I went into the Beauty book thinking it was just a bit of porn.

The first one has a serial killer in it, but the book is basically about Lisbeth's history and how she came to be how she is...and what she does to get even..if you have only seen the first one I recommend reading the whole series...very well written and you would never guess how it all ties together until the very end. I thought the same thing about the first book...How in the world did they get the title, because it didn't seem to be about her at all..but it lays the groundwork for the other two.

I was told the original title was "Men who hate women".... the #1 reason I have no interest in reading that book.

I think that is misinformation that you got. The man that wrote the trilogy did so for very personal reasons and traumatic experiences with the subject matter of women being raped. I read the books and saw the original movie series. It is very intense and triggering. But, it is very well done. And I liked it a lot. I can't say that for many movies (but I do like to read). It is about Lisbeth's life, and her experiences that have led her to where she is and how she is mistreated and takes matters into her own hands to protect herself (because she won't be able to get help from law enforcement). It's just a book/movie. I would never be ok with this in real life. But, I have to say that I really liked her strong character, and found it to be healing in a unique kind of way and empowering. And it has been a movie that RAINN has discussed and done viewings of. There is another plot line in which she is investigating a cold case murder, and uncovers what is at the root of all that occurred back then.

There are many kind and good men in the plot lines as well. In the Original version it is better.

I think whoever said the original title was that was missing the point.

Now, it is very controversial and not all survivors like it because it is very triggering. I did not like the American version of the movie. It lacked the strong female lead and was too emotionless for me and was kind of creepy when Lisbeth gets into a sexual relationship with the male lead (it was not creepy in the original versions and worked well with the plot). If I had only seen the American movie I would have strongly disliked it. It would not hold my interest and I could not watch the whole thing of the American movie. I loved Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth in the Original versions and she is also very muscular and strong. I hope I didn't give away the plot too much. I don't think I did.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Girl_with_the_Dragon_Tattoo

http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/2008/06/have-you-read-stieg-larsson-men-who.html

just sayin'.

Oh, I see. But, I still liked it. And the men that do what they do in the book, do hate women (misogynists and sadists)...so I guess that is part of what came from his own experience and trauma from his life experiences. There are men in the story that love women and do not hate women as well.

I know some survivors that only saw the American version and they felt re-traumatized by it. It is very difficult subject matter. But, it was helpful to me and other survivors that I know. Each person is different. And it may also depend on where a person is at in their lives and how it relates to things. There are other books on this subject matter that I will not read. I feel that these books are written to be from the women's perspective and experience.

CorvusCorax77

Oh, I see. But, I still liked it. And the men that do what they do in the book, do hate women (misogynists and sadists)...so I guess that is part of what came from his own experience and trauma from his life experiences. There are men in the story that love women and do not hate women as well.

of course. I actually just read about the author's experience today- sounds like he was working out some of his own trauma in it. I didn't mean to make my comment sound like a condemnation of the book. But for me, I think reading it would not be very much fun given how much sexual violence against women plays a role, even with a strong female character. It's possible I would like it, but having to read through those scenes would be painful.

BinaryPulsar

Oh, I see. But, I still liked it. And the men that do what they do in the book, do hate women (misogynists and sadists)...so I guess that is part of what came from his own experience and trauma from his life experiences. There are men in the story that love women and do not hate women as well.

of course. I actually just read about the author's experience today- sounds like he was working out some of his own trauma in it. I didn't mean to make my comment sound like a condemnation of the book. But for me, I think reading it would not be very much fun given how much sexual violence against women plays a role, even with a strong female character. It's possible I would like it, but having to read through those scenes would be painful.

Yeah, I understand.

rml_16

Oh, I see. But, I still liked it. And the men that do what they do in the book, do hate women (misogynists and sadists)...so I guess that is part of what came from his own experience and trauma from his life experiences. There are men in the story that love women and do not hate women as well.

of course. I actually just read about the author's experience today- sounds like he was working out some of his own trauma in it. I didn't mean to make my comment sound like a condemnation of the book. But for me, I think reading it would not be very much fun given how much sexual violence against women plays a role, even with a strong female character. It's possible I would like it, but having to read through those scenes would be painful.

I can understand that if you've been a victim or are very sensitive. A title like "men Who Hate Women" wouldn't turn me off to a book as long as it was done well and had a point and wasn't just a sadistic sexual fantasy or something like that. I think it's an interesting title and an interesting subject to explore.

I haven't read these books or seen the movie, so I can't comment on any of that, but I've heard good things from people whose opinions on literature I trust.

But I'm not a sexual violence victim. Still, I had a very, very strong and negative reaction to The Book Thief. Everyone else said they found it kind of funny and light (the way he presents it, anyway, if not the subject) but I actually had terrible nightmares every night for the entire week it took me to read it and I barely slept.

BinaryPulsar

Oh, I see. But, I still liked it. And the men that do what they do in the book, do hate women (misogynists and sadists)...so I guess that is part of what came from his own experience and trauma from his life experiences. There are men in the story that love women and do not hate women as well.

of course. I actually just read about the author's experience today- sounds like he was working out some of his own trauma in it. I didn't mean to make my comment sound like a condemnation of the book. But for me, I think reading it would not be very much fun given how much sexual violence against women plays a role, even with a strong female character. It's possible I would like it, but having to read through those scenes would be painful.

I can understand that if you've been a victim or are very sensitive. A title like "men Who Hate Women" wouldn't turn me off to a book as long as it was done well and had a point and wasn't just a sadistic sexual fantasy or something like that. I think it's an interesting title and an interesting subject to explore.

I haven't read these books or seen the movie, so I can't comment on any of that, but I've heard good things from people whose opinions on literature I trust.

But I'm not a sexual violence victim. Still, I had a very, very strong and negative reaction to The Book Thief. Everyone else said they found it kind of funny and light (the way he presents it, anyway, if not the subject) but I actually had terrible nightmares every night for the entire week it took me to read it and I barely slept.

Yeah, I agree, it needs to be well done and have a point and not just be a sadistic fantasy. In these books "the tables get turned", but it is for a purpose (not just merely revenge). That is different from other plot lines like this. It is very intense, though. And probably some people like it because they like it as a sadistic fantasy. I didn't like it that way.

I found the movie Monster to be much more disturbing and traumatic, and that is actually based on a true story.

It makes sense because fiction, no matter how intense the plot line is, it is still under control by the author. Real life is messier and more horrible (like in Monster). And the fact that you know it's true makes it more terrifying and tragic and you can't just say to yourself that it's just a story. You know that the characters were based on real people.

But, I still gravitate towards fiction that has elements in it that I can relate to on some level.

Funny how this conversation suddenly changed to this...

rml_16

Funny how this conversation suddenly changed to this...

Well, the original topic was kinda dumb and this is much more interesting. lol

I don't know what I gravitate to. I read and watch so many things. I think I relate to all of it in some way, even the fantasy stuff. I mean, in the end, it's all just about being human.

Collier78

Oh, I see. But, I still liked it. And the men that do what they do in the book, do hate women (misogynists and sadists)...so I guess that is part of what came from his own experience and trauma from his life experiences. There are men in the story that love women and do not hate women as well.

of course. I actually just read about the author's experience today- sounds like he was working out some of his own trauma in it. I didn't mean to make my comment sound like a condemnation of the book. But for me, I think reading it would not be very much fun given how much sexual violence against women plays a role, even with a strong female character. It's possible I would like it, but having to read through those scenes would be painful.

Yeah, I understand.

I wouldn't say it was a "fun" read, just very interesting and eye opening. I believe the author is deceased now, though I'm not positive. I'm with Binary, the original European films were much better than the American version, but it definitely isn't a book to just read for fun.

rml_16

@Collier: Yes, he died.

hannahlclrk

I aint allowed male friends, my boyfriend aint allowed girlfriends... I dont mind him talking to girls in social groups etc but I dont want him to be meeting up with them n stuff... i feel bad now ive seen everyone in these super trusting relationships...

Unknown

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shining_light

I have one close male friend. He's rather immature, and he's been like a brother to me since childhood. When I've joked about us getting together, he's always said, "eww. That's gross. You're basically my sister and... that's gross." I have no reason to doubt him on that. I've never had a boyfriend who likes him, which doesn't surprise me. He doesn't exactly play nice with other guys. My partner has nothing to do with him and because he doesn't like the guy prefers me to not have much to do with him; however, he admits that he would trust me to be alone with him. There's no other guy that he would trust to take me out for coffee or a meal or whatever. If he's having girl trouble, he always calls me for advice. He told me last night that there's this chick he's absolutely in love with, but she has a boyfriend. >.< *sigh* Some men really never learn.

I suspect this is more common in friendships made before puberty with a member of the opposite sex; they're less likely to be anything more than platonic. That's not true in every case; I've had a few male "friends" get kicked out of my life for this reason. I'm just saying it's a little more likely. I know his mother always hoped we'd get together, but he has made it pretty clear that that would never happen. Lol.

Seriously though, this situation is FAR from normal, and I am not the type of girl to "friend-zone" a guy, I don't think. If he had expressed interest at any time during our high school and early college years, I probably would have given it a shot(despite not ever being attracted to him in that way). He's also not my "type", though. He's sweet to me and other girls, but he's way too much of a wild "bad boy" to have ever been serious relationship material in my eyes.

My fiance told me that men don't want to be friends with women without wanting more, and I do truly believe him. I've been hurt enough to realize that he's right. I mean, look around the internet at men bellyaching about being "friend-zoned". I think that speaks volumes. To guys who say: "I'm a good friend because I want to get laid"? She'd be better off without your "friendship".

valandario

My best friend is male. He is a git to me. Takes the piss constantly, will poke fun at my achievements and s****** wickedly at my mistakes. I am more often than not the butt of jokes. He will taunt me with favourite foods when I'm dieting and all manner of wicked things. Why are we friends? Because although we all have a line that must not be crossed, somehow he has drawn himself a new line, a little further away than other people's. He doesn't cross that line, ever. No matter what. He will listen to me rant on about something that has annoyed or upset for me for hours and hours, not judging, not doing anything but REALLY listen, then take the piss at the end, granted, but by the end I can laugh at myself along with him. When it matters, really matters to me, he picks me up but he doesn't indulge my self pity at all. I need that. I know no matter wether we talk every day or once a year, he is there and it will be as if no time has passed. He was in my life when I met my husband, he gave me a bloody good talking to when I was afraid to get married. He took the indignity of being my maid of honour like a boss. All through the run up he was there with calming talks at 3am when I'd start to panic. He didn't take the piss over the dress, well, not much and not the dress itself, more that I had described it as from the period of pirate of the Caribbean. That led to pirate costumes, inappropriate music and all sorts of nightmare inducing things for a bride. He took the time out to get to know my husband to be, they didn't dislike each other, but were not friends. They ended up sharing a house together for a year before the wedding while my hubby worked away through the week! It was awful! I had to make them go separate ways! They each complained to me about the other. Drove me insane! He is like my brother, we know no matter what we are there for each other but we don't need to live in each others pockets.

Men and women can be genuine friends. It is rare, but it does happen. It's like love. When you meet the right one, there is no choice. It is right. Everything falls into place. It just IS. A true friendship is like that too. It just IS and gender isn't a factor.