Not interested in my husband anymore

vtmoon

Has he noticed your decline in sex drive?

He probably did (most guys do) but he is probably thinking it is the new baby and sucking it up so he doesn't come off as insensitive and all that.

I always feel bad for married his in those situations, you have steak at home but aren't allowed to eat out more are you allowed to go out for burgers. I kid I kid! :laugh:

hikezilla

It is not uncommon for a woman to go through this after having a child. You and your hubby, that you love and adore, should probably seek professional counseling. I sincerely hope you two can get everything worked out.

Briargrey

It can sometimes be hard to feel desire when you're neck deep in life. If we take you at face value, and for purposes of this post, I am doing so, then we can conclude that you love your husband, aren't cheating on him, are emotionally intimate with him, still consider him a friend, and still have sexual desire, but that you no longer have sexual desire for your husband, and that you want to fix this.

So - for me, the first part is for you to really, really soul search and be sure that that is an accurate assessment. If it's not, you have your starting point in digging into it. If it is accurate, it could come down to the fact that the two of you are in the good and the bad and the stressful together (as all marriages/relationships are) and that impacts your desire for him. Your body is all about 'yes, sex please, yum' and your brain is all 'ugh, not with him - we just had to clean up baby vomit together, and he pissed me off last week, and I just spent two hours snuggled on the couch with him, isn't that enough, and blah blah blah....' Whereas the person in your fantasy doesn't have to share any of the drudgery of life with you and doesn't get 'pulled down' by the day-to-day stuff, so he gets to stay in fantasy corner and make you all hot and bothered.

I think most couples at one point or another have these moments, but for it to carry on for so long and to the extremes that you appear to have is quite unusual to me. However, I'm not a therapist so goodness knows my insight is limited. I also could be completely wrong - just tossing one theory out there that might explain it.

You could also be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by dwelling on it too much so even when you could have slid into the 'in the mood' category, you didn't because you have been thinking about it.

I'm not sure if the best route is to go out and be all honest with your husband yet when you aren't quite sure why you feel this way. However, honesty in a relationship is essential. So do weigh that carefully. You may want to talk to your physician and explain these feelings and get some help. They may have some tips to help out.

Just FYI, however, fantasizing in and of itself isn't usually wrong. If you're fantasizing about having a *relationship* with someone else, I'd say that's a huge warning sign, or if your fantasy star is someone you see frequently and have interactions with (like a neighbour) that may be concerning. But a hot person that just 'does' it for you? That's not cheating. It's normal. My husband and I share our fantasies with one another, sometimes as foreplay, but sometimes just for kicks - just to share what gets us revved up. And we also share frequently (verbally and non-verbally ) what gets us revved up about each other, so that neither party ever has cause to be insecure or feel like the fantasy is the only thing going on. And while a lot of that part is about the physical attraction we have for each other, it is deepened by the emotional attraction and bond we have. So I know he thinks Miranda Kerr is hot, and he knows I would like to rip Vin Diesel's shirt off (and those are just the two most superficial and benign ones...they get way more fun <g>).

DebbieLyn63

I obviously don't know you .. I don't .. But I am gonna give you the advice you are asking for based on what you have said..

You probably spend to much time flirting with other men here on MFP...Which I bet some you may have gotten emotionally attached to in some form or fashion .. You are using up energy which should be for your Husband, on relationships here..

You say he is all great yadda yadda.. But what this boils down to, to me is that you just aren't attracted to him any more. Doesn't mean you don't love him etc etc.. You just lost attraction..

Some times us guys are blind to this.. and some times we aren't we are actually scared to death but do not know how to fix it..

I would 100% like to remind you .. You MADE a vowel to love this man through thick and thin... Instead of whining on here you need to figure out how you can save your marriage especially if he is all the great things you say he is..

I would honestly say you two need help... But if therapy is to expensive for you and him at the moment. Perhaps you should try this book .. Check out the site marriedmansexlife.com Buy the married man sex life primer book ( its 10 bucks from amazon ) Have you and YOUR hubby read it..

Maybe you can put down your stupid fantasies of how green the grass may be on the other side and actually put the work back into your relationship and your family.

You're an adult marriage has ups and downs but on the downs that doesn't mean you cut tail and run .You need to be the wife he fell in love with again but a better version .. I am sure its hard but fake it until you make it..

^^100% spot on. Read it. Read it again. Then do it.

randomtai

Poor hubby. :noway:

chunkydunk714

Your poor husband

tottie06

Uh ok, so he is overweight. Don't know your relationship, but I think you should talk to him about his weight. It's a touchy subject for some, I know. But that's a part of marriage. Being honest. Be tactful of course. (Not sure I would bring up the whole, "get turned on by everyone but you" thing. No need to do that.) I think he will understand. IDK. I sure as heck want to keep my hubby physically attracted to me! Love when I catch him eying me. And if he is 50lbs over, that's bad for his health. So losing would be a win win.

Chain_Ring

Your poor husband

RIGHT??

jessicameadsstephens

I went thru something kind of like that and found it to be a change in birth control pills effecting my hormone levels etc. Once I got that changed, everything went back to normal and I had no issues. I would check into things with your OBGYN it might not be something that your able to control because its happening internally. Good luck girl...

BinaryPulsar

I don't know what to say. Some options.

1) Go to individual counseling. Switch to a different one until you find one that is helpful to you.
2) Do fun activities with your husband outside of the bedroom. Stuff that is fun, exciting, brings you closer to him.
3) Explore sexual fantasies with him.
4) Do stuff to spice up your sex life.
5) get some books about different sexual positions or alternative ways of pleasuring each other. Something to make things different.
6) go to a sex store and get some outfits and toys.
7) watch erotic videos together.
8) Have a romantic date together, stay at a hotel, make the whole evening very sexually oriented. Buy lingerie, go to the sex shop, etc... Take off your wedding rings. Pretend this is a date at an earlier point in the relationship.
9) reminisce together about your past sexual adventures.
10) do sexy, naked dancing together.

jhc7324

I'll second the recommendation for the "Married Man Sex Life" book/blog. Even if you can't bring yourself to discuss the problem with him, or even better, after you do have the discussion, get the book and read it openly at home. Don't hide what it is, and at some point he'll ask you about it and it can further the discussion.

Basically the point of the book is that both parties in a relationship should work to make themselves a better mate. Whether that's by getting into better shape, improving your education, getting a higher paying job, or being more "interested" in the bedroom.

The author would probably suggest that your lack of interest in him means that you have a higher sex "rank" than he does (i.e. you're an 8 and he's a 5). In normal life, an 8 isn't interested in getting with a 5, so the 5 needs to get his stuff together and improve his sex rank.

A lot of the book is sort of uncomfortable to read because these aren't the feelings you'd like to have about your spouse, but at the end of the day, what's worse, a little uncomfortableness in the short term while you're fixing the problem or a heart breaking divorce because you wouldn't face up to it.

vtmoon

So you don't want to bang your husband, you don't want to cheat, you don't want to leave him, and you don't want to discuss this with him.

Way to be an adult. I guess the only way out is suicide then.

What is wrong with you...

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

tagging to respond when I get home

skinnybunny_x

rofl @ suicide ...

a less extreme way to say this is, **** or get off the pot.

delicious_cocktail

Have you considered asking him to dress up in fancy lingerie or high heels?

calibriintx

Did this start once you got in fitness?

yes

also is there someone else you are emotionally are invested in (talk a lot too about your personal life),

no

Oh man, I know exactly what you are going through then. I use to be very happy go lucky in my fat days loved everyone unconditionally. But ever since I got into fitness I noticed I became very nit-picky about the most trivial stuff with regards to others fitness levels, and when I catch myself doing it I get very upset about myself for being judgy.

Nothing changes around us most of the time but rather the way we view the world changes. I think you need to come to terms just because you are aiming high in the fitness department it is not fair to expect everyone around you to do it. I'm not saying don't encourage them to but don't make it the only way you judge them. Remember you aren't (none of us are) perfect either but others out there put up with our shlt. You have to retrain your mind to focus on the whole package again rather than zero in to the physical element.

Remember just cause you see all these people with amazing bodies it doesn't mean they have the rest of it figured out. It sounds to me that you have a good life going on and not worth ruining for a mental image you have based on your new found point of view.

I'm going to go ahead and agree with this. And the suggestion to talk to a therapist. I absolutely would not confront your husband about his weight (he's already losing weight). If you want to tell him that you're disinterested in sex and you're not sure why, cool. But I think it's a pretty horrible idea to say that you're not attracted to him anymore b/c of his weight. You're not attracted him anymore b/c of how you see his weight. He's always been overweight and it didn't bug you before. Maybe you got hot and you feel like you deserve better now? I think oversharing here could do a lot of damage. Talk to a therapist and see if you can get to the root of why you feel this way. Surely you're not the first person to lose weight and not be into your still overweight spouse. This sounds like a mental thing for you, that can probably be worked out without saying anything hurtful to him, or making him feel to blame.

Smeltzer2

Were you fat at one point and did he still love you. I am 70 and have had sex but very little love in my life. God hates divorce. I have been alone for 37 years sjnce age 33. There are two forces in this world good and evil. the shows you are watching are fantasy. Your husband loves you. He wabts sex and love. Do you just want sex fir a few hours a fantasy from someone who will end up disgarding you. Ask your husband to bear with you that you have changrd since losing weight but you are working on that. Than hug him and know tgat if ypu get cancer lose your hair fet fat again get wrinkles you will have a helpmate alsoa paryner for life. Rrad first Corinthians love bears all things ecen fatness. I was bever valued as a partner or woman. If you kick hom to yhe curb someone will be eaiting fot hom. There aee 25 woman to every nan. As you will age you will know that sex is sex but love is best. It is still a mans workd.Excuse typos this dam Android phones
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jillmarie125

Are you a stay at home mom? I am asking because being a stay at home mom is not only tough work it also takes an emotional toll on you. You may not even know it, but there could be some anger towards your husband because of it. I know when I get the feeling of "only being a mom," or like I have lost myself I can put the blame on other people, when it really is about me. I work. And I get that feeling.

I am sure your husbands knows how you feel. I would really go and talk to someone about this. If anything, it will be some alone time for you...when it's just about you. It's not about your child, husband, housework, cooking....

Feel free to PM if you want to talk about this...

arghbowl

Have you considered asking him to dress up in fancy lingerie or high heels?

Bro you said you wouldn't tell what I did on the weekend...

karllundy

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

Yep, this.