Not interested in my husband anymore

jhc7324

I'll second the recommendation for the "Married Man Sex Life" book/blog. Even if you can't bring yourself to discuss the problem with him, or even better, after you do have the discussion, get the book and read it openly at home. Don't hide what it is, and at some point he'll ask you about it and it can further the discussion.

Basically the point of the book is that both parties in a relationship should work to make themselves a better mate. Whether that's by getting into better shape, improving your education, getting a higher paying job, or being more "interested" in the bedroom.

The author would probably suggest that your lack of interest in him means that you have a higher sex "rank" than he does (i.e. you're an 8 and he's a 5). In normal life, an 8 isn't interested in getting with a 5, so the 5 needs to get his stuff together and improve his sex rank.

A lot of the book is sort of uncomfortable to read because these aren't the feelings you'd like to have about your spouse, but at the end of the day, what's worse, a little uncomfortableness in the short term while you're fixing the problem or a heart breaking divorce because you wouldn't face up to it.

vtmoon

So you don't want to bang your husband, you don't want to cheat, you don't want to leave him, and you don't want to discuss this with him.

Way to be an adult. I guess the only way out is suicide then.

What is wrong with you...

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

tagging to respond when I get home

skinnybunny_x

rofl @ suicide ...

a less extreme way to say this is, **** or get off the pot.

delicious_cocktail

Have you considered asking him to dress up in fancy lingerie or high heels?

calibriintx

Did this start once you got in fitness?

yes

also is there someone else you are emotionally are invested in (talk a lot too about your personal life),

no

Oh man, I know exactly what you are going through then. I use to be very happy go lucky in my fat days loved everyone unconditionally. But ever since I got into fitness I noticed I became very nit-picky about the most trivial stuff with regards to others fitness levels, and when I catch myself doing it I get very upset about myself for being judgy.

Nothing changes around us most of the time but rather the way we view the world changes. I think you need to come to terms just because you are aiming high in the fitness department it is not fair to expect everyone around you to do it. I'm not saying don't encourage them to but don't make it the only way you judge them. Remember you aren't (none of us are) perfect either but others out there put up with our shlt. You have to retrain your mind to focus on the whole package again rather than zero in to the physical element.

Remember just cause you see all these people with amazing bodies it doesn't mean they have the rest of it figured out. It sounds to me that you have a good life going on and not worth ruining for a mental image you have based on your new found point of view.

I'm going to go ahead and agree with this. And the suggestion to talk to a therapist. I absolutely would not confront your husband about his weight (he's already losing weight). If you want to tell him that you're disinterested in sex and you're not sure why, cool. But I think it's a pretty horrible idea to say that you're not attracted to him anymore b/c of his weight. You're not attracted him anymore b/c of how you see his weight. He's always been overweight and it didn't bug you before. Maybe you got hot and you feel like you deserve better now? I think oversharing here could do a lot of damage. Talk to a therapist and see if you can get to the root of why you feel this way. Surely you're not the first person to lose weight and not be into your still overweight spouse. This sounds like a mental thing for you, that can probably be worked out without saying anything hurtful to him, or making him feel to blame.

Smeltzer2

Were you fat at one point and did he still love you. I am 70 and have had sex but very little love in my life. God hates divorce. I have been alone for 37 years sjnce age 33. There are two forces in this world good and evil. the shows you are watching are fantasy. Your husband loves you. He wabts sex and love. Do you just want sex fir a few hours a fantasy from someone who will end up disgarding you. Ask your husband to bear with you that you have changrd since losing weight but you are working on that. Than hug him and know tgat if ypu get cancer lose your hair fet fat again get wrinkles you will have a helpmate alsoa paryner for life. Rrad first Corinthians love bears all things ecen fatness. I was bever valued as a partner or woman. If you kick hom to yhe curb someone will be eaiting fot hom. There aee 25 woman to every nan. As you will age you will know that sex is sex but love is best. It is still a mans workd.Excuse typos this dam Android phones
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jillmarie125

Are you a stay at home mom? I am asking because being a stay at home mom is not only tough work it also takes an emotional toll on you. You may not even know it, but there could be some anger towards your husband because of it. I know when I get the feeling of "only being a mom," or like I have lost myself I can put the blame on other people, when it really is about me. I work. And I get that feeling.

I am sure your husbands knows how you feel. I would really go and talk to someone about this. If anything, it will be some alone time for you...when it's just about you. It's not about your child, husband, housework, cooking....

Feel free to PM if you want to talk about this...

arghbowl

Have you considered asking him to dress up in fancy lingerie or high heels?

Bro you said you wouldn't tell what I did on the weekend...

karllundy

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

Yep, this.

calibriintx

God hates divorce.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

wheird

So you don't want to bang your husband, you don't want to cheat, you don't want to leave him, and you don't want to discuss this with him.

Way to be an adult. I guess the only way out is suicide then.

What in the ever-loving fack made you think that suggesting she commit suicide is ok? You are a digusting person.

Some of the replies here have made me ashamed to have called some of you "friend" at various points.



OP, I suggest talking to a counselor or therapist about this issue and then possibly following up with couples counseling. Fuethermore, knowing how MFP can be, if you have closer-than-appropriate relationships with men (or women) on here, I would suggest ending them immediately.

You have a great relationship with your husband and a great life, if we are to take that part as true. This is something worth working on and fighting for.

paperpudding

your man wants you.

dont take that for granted.

But so many women do. And then they wonder why their husbands cheat on them.

It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, ladies.

so it is women's fault that men cheat?

yeah, right.

Anyway OP, some people have given good advice and others have given judgemental crap and am rather shocked at those who think this is a suitable thread to give flippant mocking answers - but really, I do not think you will find the answer on the internet.
I think you need to see a counselor or a marriage guidance professional - he/she will help you find the right way to approach this with your husband and maybe then ways to work on it together.

Myself I think it is probably part of hormone changes after having a baby - and I think maybe your body doesn't want sex but the fantasies and attractions to other men are safe ways of your mind thinking of sex without actually doing it IFYKWIM.

kayla554

I think it's healthy in a boring marriage to explore with other people in the bedroom I think you should talk to him about that and see if he's ok with it, or cheat if you know he won't be. Sounds bad yea but if you like the relationship you two have and just not the sex life than I think it's a good solution at least until you're satisfied.
If you don't want to do that than either continue being unsatisfied, get a divorce, or try new things in the bedroom.

paperpudding

rofl @ suicide ...

a less extreme way to say this is, **** or get off the pot.

Yes, ROFL - suicide is such a funny topic - NOT!!!!

What a dumb post.

kyleekay10

I think it's healthy in a boring marriage to explore with other people in the bedroom I think you should talk to him about that and see if he's ok with it, or cheat if you know he won't be. Sounds bad yea but if you like the relationship you two have and just not the sex life than I think it's a good solution at least until you're satisfied.
If you don't want to do that than either continue being unsatisfied, get a divorce, or try new things in the bedroom.

I do not see a long lasting marriage, or any relationship for that matter, anywhere in your future.

paperpudding

I think it's healthy in a boring marriage to explore with other people in the bedroom I think you should talk to him about that and see if he's ok with it, or cheat if you know he won't be. Sounds bad yea but if you like the relationship you two have and just not the sex life than I think it's a good solution at least until you're satisfied.
If you don't want to do that than either continue being unsatisfied, get a divorce, or try new things in the bedroom.

I think this is a terrible solution - not likely to help the marriage at all.

wheird

I think it's healthy in a boring marriage to explore with other people in the bedroom I think you should talk to him about that and see if he's ok with it, or cheat if you know he won't be. Sounds bad yea but if you like the relationship you two have and just not the sex life than I think it's a good solution at least until you're satisfied.
If you don't want to do that than either continue being unsatisfied, get a divorce, or try new things in the bedroom.

I dont even...

*sigh*

eric_sg61

I think it's healthy in a boring marriage to explore with other people in the bedroom I think you should talk to him about that and see if he's ok with it, or cheat if you know he won't be. Sounds bad yea but if you like the relationship you two have and just not the sex life than I think it's a good solution at least until you're satisfied.
If you don't want to do that than either continue being unsatisfied, get a divorce, or try new things in the bedroom.

I do not see a long lasting marriage, or any relationship for that matter, anywhere in your future.

This and STD's in their future

MireyGal76

A few points at random...

Emotional:
- stop right now and make a list of 50 things you love about your husband. Include things that are physical (his eyes, smile, scent).
- how is he with your child? make sure that you spend time as a couple, where the child is not part of the equation. Also get some alone time, if you find that you are always with your child, you may need time alone.
- I would recommend NOT fantasizing about someone else, real, movie, or imagined. Doing that, while being intimate with him, detracts from your moment with him and will destroy your connection with eachother. If you don't want to cheat on him in body, then don't allow yourself to cheat on him in your mind.
- start flirting with him, in person, in text
- don't say anythinig to another man on here, that you don't currently say to him. Before you tell anyone (male) on here how great they look, or how awesome they are... think about him, and send him a SINCERE compliment first.
- don't fall into the MFP Fake Compliment trap... a lot of people are highly supportive and kind, but a LOT blow sunshine up your *kitten* too.. take it all with a grain of salt


Practical:
- has he changed his deodorant, body wash, or shampoo lately... humans are naturally pheromone driven - if his base scent has changed, then maybe that has some sort of factor
- is it possible that maybe a new scent is in order? change your laundry detergent, or go shopping for a new cologne or body wash for the both of you.

(Before you laugh... I am incredibly scent driven... I LOVE the smell of my guy... just the smell on his shirt gets me in the mood... maybe a change in such a small area could make a difference.)

- take a shower right beforehand, spend extra time grooming and peparing yourself, get yourself aroused in the shower
- try some of the Lora Corn challenge books (101 romantic nights, 101 quickies, etc... suggestions to build anticipation and sexify your life)

ETA: maybe it wasn't random after all... and maybe you should also get some bloodwork done to check your nutrient levels... maybe things are out of sync in terms of body chemistry now that you are exercising.

DebbieLyn63

Did this start once you got in fitness?

yes

also is there someone else you are emotionally are invested in (talk a lot too about your personal life),

no

Oh man, I know exactly what you are going through then. I use to be very happy go lucky in my fat days loved everyone unconditionally. But ever since I got into fitness I noticed I became very nit-picky about the most trivial stuff with regards to others fitness levels, and when I catch myself doing it I get very upset about myself for being judgy.

Nothing changes around us most of the time but rather the way we view the world changes. I think you need to come to terms just because you are aiming high in the fitness department it is not fair to expect everyone around you to do it. I'm not saying don't encourage them to but don't make it the only way you judge them. Remember you aren't (none of us are) perfect either but others out there put up with our shlt. You have to retrain your mind to focus on the whole package again rather than zero in to the physical element.

Remember just cause you see all these people with amazing bodies it doesn't mean they have the rest of it figured out. It sounds to me that you have a good life going on and not worth ruining for a mental image you have based on your new found point of view.

^^Very wise advice!

calibriintx

I think it's healthy in a boring marriage to explore with other people in the bedroom I think you should talk to him about that and see if he's ok with it, or cheat if you know he won't be. Sounds bad yea but if you like the relationship you two have and just not the sex life than I think it's a good solution at least until you're satisfied.
If you don't want to do that than either continue being unsatisfied, get a divorce, or try new things in the bedroom.

msf74

This place really is 50 Shades of Stupid sometimes...

OP, I hope it works out for you and your family whatever you choose to do.

Good luck.

Lauren8239

Wacky as this may sound, it may be depression. I'd suggest seeing your family doctor and discussing this recent turn of events. Whether it's physical or psychological you should give it a shot. A demanding hectic life can affect us in many surprising ways.

bloominheck

". He had his birthday a few months ago, and I knew he was really looking forward to some, so I gave the poor guy a break." <

---

THAT'S F*CKED UP.

lol

gypsyrose64

I didn't have time to read through all the pages, but I'll just add my .02 cents. Years ago I was married and went through this. With that said, it was a physical response to an emotional change. In my case, the "ex" was passive aggressive and did some things that hurt me to the core. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, the trust eroded away. I couldn't be vulnerable with him anymore and I ended a 15 yr marriage.

In another relationship, I had this happen when my partner acted more like a child than an equal. He refused to grow up, take responsibility for what he brought to the table (or what was lacking). The more childish he became, the less interested I became. I think you have to respect someone to want them.

I don't know what you're problem is, but I can guarantee it's most likely a perception change affecting you. You are a new mother. Is your hubby helping out, or acting more like another child in the house?

Buried resentment will kill intimacy quicker than anything.

Seek counseling. If you can't talk to him about it, then sort it out with someone unbiased. It's not fair to remain silent and let it fester. Not fair to him or yourself. "Faking it" only catches up with you at some point.

jillmarie125

Wacky as this may sound, it may be depression. I'd suggest seeing your family doctor and discussing this recent turn of events. Whether it's physical or psychological you should give it a shot. A demanding hectic life can affect us in many surprising ways.

I don't think it sounds wacky at all.

Rottnme

I've been in his position and it led to divorce. You need to work it out together, ASAP or you might as well just stop wasting time and go for the split.

In my case, I noticed something was off and I figured she was working through something and needed space so I gave it. Kindness led to anger and hurt and me having no interest either. It was all over at that point though I hadn't seen it yet. Don't worry so much about hurting his feelings, worry about being open and letting him work through this with you. It's not going to be easy but it needs to be done now. If you can't communicate, it's not going to work.

ldrosophila

I think it's healthy in a boring marriage to explore with other people in the bedroom I think you should talk to him about that and see if he's ok with it, or cheat if you know he won't be. Sounds bad yea but if you like the relationship you two have and just not the sex life than I think it's a good solution at least until you're satisfied.
If you don't want to do that than either continue being unsatisfied, get a divorce, or try new things in the bedroom.

At first that was my thought, but both parties cant be jealous if entering an open relationship. OP would have to find it acceptable to see her husband being intimate with another woman/partner, and him her. I wouldnt discuss an open relationship until she or they have sought some counseling. If the parties arent willing or emotionally mature this type of relationship could be destructive.

mlrd2010

Don't worry so much about hurting his feelings, worry about being open and letting him work through this with you. It's not going to be easy but it needs to be done now. If you can't communicate, it's not going to work.

I agree with this. He's just so amazing to me all the time, it kills me to think of saying things that will hurt him, even though I know it can help. Like holding your toddler down for a shot, you know? It'll be for the best, but it hurts the heart to bring pain to those you love, no matter what the reason is.