Not interested in my husband anymore

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  • Colombianchick29
    Colombianchick29 Posts: 298 Member
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    From prior experiance you just have to be brutally honest. rather hurt his feeling a little now, than loose complete interest and break his heart if you end up cheating on him or break up with him. I can totally relate. feel free to friend me! There is nothing wrong with you!!
  • Ed98043
    Ed98043 Posts: 1,333 Member
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    It's been said before, but bears repeating, intimacy is more than physical attraction. If you have no interest in him physically, I'm willing to bet there's other issues. And since he's been that weight since the beginning, you can't honestly blame it on that. I'd suggest you figure out what's actually bothering you, and work on that.

    Yep. I can't imagine that 50 lbs (especially since it's always been there) could drive someone to be literally disgusted at the thought of having sex with their spouse. I mean, I've had sex with significant others when I wasn't particularly in the mood, but I didn't hate it. I still got enjoyment from the closeness and making him happy. I think there must be an underlying issue in your relationship, whether it's you pulling away emotionally or maybe some simmering resentment.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

    Don't assume I don't have respect for my husband because i am not going about a problem the same way you would, please. It's not fair. You yourself are not married, so how would you know you wouldn't respond the same way? Mile in someone else's shoes, you know?

    Also, my OP clearly states I am still in love with him emotionally. Learn to read good-er.

    But are you really? Besides sex, do you look forward to spending time with him? Do you laugh with him, flirt with him, have date-nights? You really do have to work to keep romance and passion in a marriage, especially after you have children. Maybe if you work on bringing the romance back the passion will follow. You can even incorporate fitness and health into dates, go hiking, biking, cook together, etc. And I agree that you should have sex anyway, even if you have to fantasize, but NOT because he'll find it elsewhere (WTF?) but because hopefully, it'll build interest in him. Watch sexy movies together, use toys, lingerie, etc.

    I do. We are BEST friends. I can't WAIT for him to get home after work. We cook together, laugh, joke around, snuggle on the couch after the baby is put to bed, and do everything we can, together.

    This could be completely psychological on your part. Or, as someone else pointed out, your hormones are out-of-whack.

    Go see a doctor.
  • mlrd2010
    mlrd2010 Posts: 33
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    Thank you, Celery. It's nice to see that for every formerly-fat miserable lonely person that unwarrantedly attacks me there are a few good people out there who actually read what I wrote. :heart:

    LOL Maybe I'll be more of a jerk after I lose another 20#... ;)

    But seriously, there's no harm in asking what you've asked. Why hurt HIS feelings if it's nothing HE did? He can't fix it. It's your issue, and you need to figure out what it is and why it's happening. No sense in causing emotional trauma for no reason. Dig deep. You said this happened after you became fit. It could possibly be that now that you're fit (or on your way, I'm not sure where you are in your journey), that you resent him for still being out of shape. Stranger things have happened. See if you can coax him into a more rigid weight loss program. It can be your little secret...secretly getting him all buff and hot, while also working on your own fitness. Then when you're both lean and mean, you can have hot, sexy sex :) Rarrr!

    This is true. I do need to talk to him about it, I just need to word it in a way that won't crush him. I'm brainstorming already.
  • CookNLift
    CookNLift Posts: 3,660 Member
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    go buy a magic 8 ball. at least that way you won't be coming into online forums to discuss your personal life with strangers.

    I just ordered the jerry springer channel. I await your appearance greatly
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
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    This has all the potential to turn into a classic!

    Dis_gon_b_gud.gif

    Heading out the door...

    ...but tagging this for later.
  • pawnstarNate
    pawnstarNate Posts: 1,728 Member
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    if it's been said once, it's been said a zillion times.....JUST BREAK UP

    Then remain friends and go get your stallion for your sexcapades
  • pspetralia
    pspetralia Posts: 963 Member
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    If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

    Don't assume I don't have respect for my husband because i am not going about a problem the same way you would, please. It's not fair. You yourself are not married, so how would you know you wouldn't respond the same way? Mile in someone else's shoes, you know?

    Also, my OP clearly states I am still in love with him emotionally. Learn to read good-er.

    How do I know I wouldn't betray my husband's trust by discussing our sex life with random strangers on the Internet? Because I'm not a liar. Because I would never stand before God and everyone who ever mattered to me and promise to LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH a man and then share very private, intimate details about our life with ANYONE, let alone strangers. That's how I know I wouldn't do what you did.

    And there is no such thing as being in love with someone "emotionally" but not physically. Being IN love is an all-encompassing thing. It's like being pregnant. You either are or you aren't.

    Come back after having been married for several years (not that anyone would want you, with a nasty attitude like that) and see if you'd feel the same way.

    No bearing or experience in the subject? Didn't think so. So shut up and take your judgments elsewhere. Idgaf what you think of me.

    I've been married for 17 years and totally agree with Casey. People don't seem to bat an eye at how much private info they share. In my opinion, it would be disrespectful to my husband and our marriage if I shared our personal info with others instead of working it out with him.
  • mlrd2010
    mlrd2010 Posts: 33
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    From prior experiance you just have to be brutally honest. rather hurt his feeling a little now, than loose complete interest and break his heart if you end up cheating on him or break up with him. I can totally relate. feel free to friend me! There is nothing wrong with you!!

    Thanks a lot. I'm not sure how to break it to him, but I will soon. It can't get better til it's out, I guess. :/
  • Chain_Ring
    Chain_Ring Posts: 753 Member
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    ". He had his birthday a few months ago, and I knew he was really looking forward to some, so I gave the poor guy a break." <
    THAT'S F*CKED UP.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
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    You've lost the intimacy in your relationship and I suspect much of this is emotional intimacy.

    It can happen, especially when you have kids.

    Work to get it back and your love life will change from cool back to red hot.
  • CookNLift
    CookNLift Posts: 3,660 Member
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    From prior experiance you just have to be brutally honest. rather hurt his feeling a little now, than loose complete interest and break his heart if you end up cheating on him or break up with him. I can totally relate. feel free to friend me! There is nothing wrong with you!!

    It can't get better til it's out, I guess. :/

    that's what she said
  • norcal_yogi
    norcal_yogi Posts: 675 Member
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    I've been in this situation. I'm sorry to tell you that we are no longer married.

    yes i have too.... and yep, we are no longer married. obviously there are a whole host of reasons other than sexual attraction (including emotional intimacy). hopefully you two will be able to work through this...
  • CeleryStalker
    CeleryStalker Posts: 665 Member
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    Has he noticed your decline in sex drive?
  • colin_mccomb
    colin_mccomb Posts: 6
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    It doesn't matter if you're posting anonymously or not: you are airing out your dirty laundry. How would you feel if your husband posted an anonymous blog saying that he doesn't find you attractive anymore? Good?

    This is utterly childish. What's wrong with your marriage is you.
  • mlrd2010
    mlrd2010 Posts: 33
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    ". He had his birthday a few months ago, and I knew he was really looking forward to some, so I gave the poor guy a break." <
    THAT'S F*CKED UP.

    Maybe. But I had NO IDEA I would hate it as much as I did. Usually if I let things happen even if I'm not in the mood, I GET in the mood really quick. But not this time.
  • skinnybunny_x
    skinnybunny_x Posts: 449
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    Speaking as a woman who has been married for several years - he is my King, I appreciate everything he does for me ... from taking out the trash, to cheering me up when I'm down, I never fantasize about other men, and I crave sex on a daily basis. I find your initial post pathetic, selfish, and reeking of insecurity. If your husband is as as great as he seems, and you still can't truly connect with him on an emotional or physical level, you need to seek professional help. Seriously, something is damaged within yourself.

    I realize I'm not the "norm", and before someone accuses me of any chauvinist way of thinking, I want to totally squash that. I'd definitely consider myself a feminist, and I'm an awesome wife/lover because I WANT to be. It's a choice I make every day. And mlrd, you are fully capable of making that same decision, you simply don't want to.

    I will tell you straight up girl ... you may not have to worry about this for too much longer, because chances are your husband is so unhappy he has already considered leaving you.

    P.S. - Your husband ceases to be your "BFF" when you go behind his back and post personal **** on the internet about your marriage.

    I also ponder if you have male friends on here that you're sharing more with than your husband?
  • WaterBunnie
    WaterBunnie Posts: 1,370 Member
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    A lot of posters seem to be being unnecessarily tough on your thread. Perhaps you're ringing bells they don't want to hear!

    Could this be nothing to do with his weight but more to do with a change in your roles? Seeing as yourselves as parents rather than just the two of you? Less carefree and spontaneous? Are you secretly afraid of getting pregnant again maybe? That could explain the wanting sex but not wanting to go through with it?

    Are you expressing anger you secretly feel about anything? Could you be depressed? Unless you're 100% sure it's his weight that's putting you off it isn't right to hurt him with that information but maybe instead you should set joint fitness goals which will help speed up his loss too? Then praise his success to encourage more?

    Just a few ideas, only you can know.
  • Ninkyou
    Ninkyou Posts: 6,666 Member
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    First, I would recommend reading this:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html

    Then, after you've read this, talk to your husband. Honesty is the best policy. Yes, it may hurt him. But perhaps he can help you get over this. You made a vow to him and it's up to you to keep your end of the bargain. If that means seeking counseling, or readjusting your life to include date nights without the kid (which is important, btw), or whatever, you have to do whatever it takes.
  • GTAFrank
    GTAFrank Posts: 730 Member
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    Wow... just WOW.

    This is getting crazy!

    On the surface, that may seem to be the case. But really, the OP has taken an important first step here and posted explicit details of her sex life to a forum of internet strangers. I'm sure we'll get this sorted for her quickly.
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