Not interested in my husband anymore

mlrd2010

Hey, everyone, I'm a quite active member here on MFP, and really would prefer to not have my dirty laundry aired out for all my FL to see, as this is quite a sensitive subject, and I have several friends IRL and some family members on here as well. So for privacy's sake, you can call me MD.

I've been married to my husband for a couple years. I adore him to pieces, he is a hardworking, loving, hilarious, smart guy and he is my very best friend. We have a toddler together, who is the center of our worlds. We rarely fight, and when we do it's a petty squabble that is usually resolved in under an hour. We are 100% committed to each other. We have a great marriage.

But in the past three months or so, I have had no desire to be with him intimately. Like, NONE. He is more than adequate in that department, and we have never, ever had satisfaction issues. It's just recently.

Normally, I'd just chalk this up to a "dry spell", and not be too concerned about it. I know it happens to some people, and while it may be annoying for the unaffected party, it's not usually detrimental to the relationship.

MY problem is...I still want it. All the freaking time. Some days I'm climbing the walls. I just can't be bothered with HIM. Watching movies with a hot sex scene, I'll still get turned on, but the thought of getting with my husband immediately turns me off. I am very much still emotionally attracted to him, but physically not at ALL. I have highly-charged dreams about sex all the time, and I've taken to fantasizing, but they're never about him. Always someone else. He had his birthday a few months ago, and I knew he was really looking forward to some, so I gave the poor guy a break. To my absolute horror, the whole time I couldn't WAIT for it to be over. I was SO uncomfortable, it was awful. I wanted to cry afterwards for how I felt about it, I felt so guilty. A wife shouldn't ever feel that way about her husband!

While I hate to say it, the only thing I can think of is his weight. My husband was overweight (by about 50 lbs) when we got married. While I didn't love it, it didn't bother me excessively; I was more excited to be this awesome guy's wife more than I cared about anything else. But now it's starting to bother me a little more. And I know it's not fair to him. He IS losing weight, just very, very slowly. It's the only reason I can think of... but WHY am I caring NOW, all the sudden? I never did before?

A lot of you will razz me for publicly posting this here, and for not discussing this with my husband. But this will KILL him to hear. Absolutely break his heart. I'm not ready to do that to him. I'm hoping some on my FL will see this and post some good advice, since I can't ask them directly. (Love you guys!) I need to hear some input before I decide to take this to my husband, and how best to break it to him.

Has anyone in a committed relationship experienced this before? What is wrong with me? Can I hope for it to go away eventually? What can I do?

arghbowl

Mr. Rabbit, meet Ms. Vagina.

patrickblo13

2 words: Ashley Madison

mlrd2010

I'm quite an active member. "Has one post and no picture"

haha enjoy your dry spell troll.

Swear on my kid, not a troll.

I have another account, on which I am and have always been very active.

Sorry if I wasn't clear enough.

FatHuMan1

Send out a call to the MFP helpline.

ryans5050

baldzach

I'm quite an active member. "Has one post and no picture"

haha enjoy your dry spell troll.

I think she means she made this 1 post account to stay anonymous otherwise we'd all recognize her, and she wants to stay anonymous.

That said, in this case, fake it til you make it. Pretend he's the sexiest guy in the world. Close your eyes and picture whoever does it for you. Whatever you do, don't withhold unless you really want him to go somewhere else, and it sounds like that isn't the case. And if none of that works, talk to a professional.

GTAFrank

This has all the potential to turn into a classic!

SkinnyFatAlbert

In before "just break up." Also, just break up.

mister_universe

In before "just break up." Also, just break up.

Awww, I missed the deadline.

mlrd2010

2 words: Ashley Madison

I actually had to look that up, had no idea "who" Ashley Madison was.Thanks for that, but I'm not interested in sleeping around, no matter what my screwed up body is telling me. Not gonna happen.

hbrittingham

I know you think it will kill him to hear you say that you are having trouble finding yourself attracted to him, but wouldn't it kill him more if you were to leave him and he has no clue why? Not that you are necessarily saying you are going to leave him, but what else are you going to do if you are so unhappy?

Intimacy isn't just sexual. It's also emotional. It sounds like the emotional intimacy is missing, and so the physical side is missing for you. I really think that couples counseling is seriously needed, if you think you can't work through this on your own. I have to admit, I have a hard time fathoming being married to someone that I had absolutely no sexual attraction to.

shining_light

I'm quite an active member. "Has one post and no picture"

haha enjoy your dry spell troll.

I think she means she made this 1 post account to stay anonymous otherwise we'd all recognize her, and she wants to stay anonymous.

That said, in this case, fake it til you make it. Pretend he's the sexiest guy in the world. Close your eyes and picture whoever does it for you. Whatever you do, don't withhold unless you really want him to go somewhere else, and it sounds like that isn't the case. And if none of that works, talk to a professional.

^ This. I totally agree with this. Also, talking to him would probably help a lot. Or do something with him that you know you both enjoyed, something that reminds you of when you first started dating. Always works for me. For my man and I, it's the oh-so-classy nachos and movie nights. Haha.

Sovictorrious

Send out a call to the MFP helpline.

I have information for Help-Line. Please add me on your other account and I will post this question for all to respond. We don't judge.

TheGymGypsy

Maybe talk to him about spicing things up with some toys, or maybe even experimenting with other people? It's not uncommon for people to get bored in bed. Instead of calling him out, just suggest you guys try some new things to broaden your sexual horizons. It doesn't have to be permanent, just tell him you are interested in exploring other paths. It happens!

Mia_RagazzaTosta

I've been in this situation. I'm sorry to tell you that we are no longer married.

ItsCasey

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

mlrd2010

Send out a call to the MFP helpline.

I have information for Help-Line. Please add me on your other account and I will post this question for all to respond. We don't judge.

Thank you, but sorry, ain't ever gonna happen. I'd rather chew off my own arm than ever risk people who actually know me find this out. I'm young! So embarassing.

MG_Fit

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

^ Posts like these always make me smile.

SkinnyFatAlbert

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

Annnnnnnd end thread.

Monkey_Business

I know you think it will kill him to hear you say that you are having trouble finding yourself attracted to him, but wouldn't it kill him more if you were to leave him and he has no clue why? Not that you are necessarily saying you are going to leave him, but what else are you going to do if you are so unhappy?

Intimacy isn't just sexual. It's also emotional. It sounds like the emotional intimacy is missing, and so the physical side is missing for you. I really think that couples counseling is seriously needed, if you think you can't work through this on your own. I have to admit, I have a hard time fathoming being married to someone that I had absolutely no sexual attraction to.

I could not agree more with this....

gmthisfeller

While I hate to say it, the only thing I can think of is his weight. My husband was overweight (by about 50 lbs) when we got married. While I didn't love it, it didn't bother me excessively; I was more excited to be this awesome guy's wife more than I cared about anything else. But now it's starting to bother me a little more. And I know it's not fair to him. He IS losing weight, just very, very slowly. It's the only reason I can think of... but WHY am I caring NOW, all the sudden? I never did before?

Has anyone in a committed relationship experienced this before? What is wrong with me? Can I hope for it to go away eventually? What can I do?

You are not alone. However, it seems to me like it is time to get your hubby on track with weightloss. Some people just need the physical attraction to move to intimacy. That isn't abnormal. Time to get him to shed his pounds.

Time to start dating your hubby again, too. Couples who do not plan for time out on a regular basis can miss something in their relationship. How did you date before you were married? Keeping a marriage together is hard work, and as you may now have discovered requires creativity in unexpected areas.

Follow_me

You MUST discuss this with him if you want your marriage to work!

MTBrob

I obviously don't know you .. I don't .. But I am gonna give you the advice you are asking for based on what you have said..

You probably spend to much time flirting with other men here on MFP...Which I bet some you may have gotten emotionally attached to in some form or fashion .. You are using up energy which should be for your Husband, on relationships here..

You say he is all great yadda yadda.. But what this boils down to, to me is that you just aren't attracted to him any more. Doesn't mean you don't love him etc etc.. You just lost attraction..

Some times us guys are blind to this.. and some times we aren't we are actually scared to death but do not know how to fix it..

I would 100% like to remind you .. You MADE a vowel to love this man through thick and thin... Instead of whining on here you need to figure out how you can save your marriage especially if he is all the great things you say he is..

I would honestly say you two need help... But if therapy is to expensive for you and him at the moment. Perhaps you should try this book .. Check out the site marriedmansexlife.com Buy the married man sex life primer book ( its 10 bucks from amazon ) Have you and YOUR hubby read it..

Maybe you can put down your stupid fantasies of how green the grass may be on the other side and actually put the work back into your relationship and your family.

You're an adult marriage has ups and downs but on the downs that doesn't mean you cut tail and run .You need to be the wife he fell in love with again but a better version .. I am sure its hard but fake it until you make it..

mlrd2010

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

Don't assume I don't have respect for my husband because i am not going about a problem the same way you would, please. It's not fair. You yourself are not married, so how would you know you wouldn't respond the same way? Mile in someone else's shoes, you know?

Also, my OP clearly states I am still in love with him emotionally. Learn to read good-er.

DeltaZero

Maybe talk to him about spicing things up with some toys, or maybe even experimenting with other people? It's not uncommon for people to get bored in bed. Instead of calling him out, just suggest you guys try some new things to broaden your sexual horizons. It doesn't have to be permanent, just tell him you are interested in exploring other paths. It happens!

Never know what you can find when you go exploring other paths for lunch.

miss_jessiejane

It's been said before, but bears repeating, intimacy is more than physical attraction. If you have no interest in him physically, I'm willing to bet there's other issues. And since he's been that weight since the beginning, you can't honestly blame it on that. I'd suggest you figure out what's actually bothering you, and work on that.

jenifr818

This has all the potential to turn into a classic!

Maybe we'll get the bonus of her husband finding out about this (say, she forgets to log off or something) and he comes on here and blasts her out. Crazier things have happened :laugh: :laugh:

Thing is, lets say roles were reversed and HE made this initial thread. Can we say 'divorce lawyer' in less than 30 seconds? Yep.

patrickblo13

You probably spend to much time flirting with other men here on MFP...Which I bet some you may have gotten emotionally attached to in some form or fashion .. You are using up energy which should be for your Husband, on relationships here..

I would bet there is a lot of truth to this!

Mia_RagazzaTosta

I would 100% like to remind you .. You MADE a vowel to love this man through thick and thin...

When I buy a vowel I make sure it's 100% worth it too.

mlrd2010

I obviously don't know you .. I don't .. But I am gonna give you the advice you are asking for based on what you have said..

You probably spend to much time flirting with other men here on MFP...Which I bet some you may have gotten emotionally attached to in some form or fashion .. You are using up energy which should be for your Husband, on relationships here..

You say he is all great yadda yadda.. But what this boils down to, to me is that you just aren't attracted to him any more. Doesn't mean you don't love him etc etc.. You just lost attraction..

Some times us guys are blind to this.. and some times we aren't we are actually scared to death but do not know how to fix it..

I would 100% like to remind you .. You MADE a vowel to love this man through thick and thin... Instead of whining on here you need to figure out how you can save your marriage especially if he is all the great things you say he is..

I would honestly say you two need help... But if therapy is to expensive for you and him at the moment. Perhaps you should try this book .. Check out the site marriedmansexlife.com Buy the married man sex life primer book ( its 10 bucks from amazon ) Have you and YOUR hubby read it..

Maybe you can put down your stupid fantasies of how green the grass may be on the other side and actually put the work back into your relationship and your family.

You're an adult marriage has ups and downs but on the downs that doesn't mean you cut tail and run .You need to be the wife he fell in love with again but a better version .. I am sure its hard but fake it until you make it..

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I will check out that book.

I appreciate your tough love, and I really am listening.