Not interested in my husband anymore

mlrd2010

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

That's so far off base and judgmental, I don't even know what to do with it. What a rotten thing to say, and horrible assumptions to make. She very clearly DOES love the guy...loves him enough to not cheat on him, to not crush him emotionally, to WANT to fix the problem without making him feel like crap about himself in the process. Which shows she has nothing but love and respect for him. Disrespect would be screwing around on him, or talking about this with her friends and family behind his back. Asking, anonymously, for help with personal issues, is not disrespectful.

OP, have you done any soul searching to see if maybe your lack of drive with him is a reflection of something internal, related to you? I know that when I have desire issues, it's usually some deep-seeded issue of my own, not something anyone else caused or could resolve. Sometimes inner reflection is the best road to recovery :flowerforyou:

Thank you, Celery. It's nice to see that for every formerly-fat miserable lonely person that unwarrantedly attacks me there are a few good people out there who actually read what I wrote.

ItsCasey

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

Don't assume I don't have respect for my husband because i am not going about a problem the same way you would, please. It's not fair. You yourself are not married, so how would you know you wouldn't respond the same way? Mile in someone else's shoes, you know?

Also, my OP clearly states I am still in love with him emotionally. Learn to read good-er.

How do I know I wouldn't betray my husband's trust by discussing our sex life with random strangers on the Internet? Because I'm not a liar. Because I would never stand before God and everyone who ever mattered to me and promise to LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH a man and then share very private, intimate details about our life with ANYONE, let alone strangers. That's how I know I wouldn't do what you did.

And there is no such thing as being in love with someone "emotionally" but not physically. Being IN love is an all-encompassing thing. It's like being pregnant. You either are or you aren't.

FJDodd

And since he's been that weight since the beginning, you can't honestly blame it on that.

I disagree with this completely. She has taken the time and effort to change who she is, and she can 100% blame it on his not changing with her. She has changed, and it is only natural for her desires and attractions to change with her. What she shouldn't do is blame him for it, but talk to him about it.

That being said: I agree with the second half of the statement this poster made. Something is turning you off about your husband that is not turning you off to others. Find out what this is, if it is the fact that he does not share the same need to improve that you do, then you need to work through that with him.

I am all for anonymous advice in most situations, and I realize that you aren't me, but I find myself thinking that perhaps while you still love your husband and respect him on one level, another level does not and maybe that is why you are uncomfortable discussing this with him. You say that it would hurt him to know that you are not attracted to him - I am not a guy, but I don't think many guys would disagree with me when I say that by NOT telling him, and giving him the chance to work towards fixing this problem, you are still hurting him. And by hiding it from him, you may end up hurting him more.

Mitzki5

Does he show interest in you and your activities? Try getting him into fitness with you. That will help him lose a few pounds and maybe it will bring you closer together. It might even create a spark in you for him.

mlrd2010

You wouldn't happen to have just started a birth control or something along those lines per chance?

When I was on birth control I didn't want anyone to touch me. It was awful and I felt bad for my husband. After a little research in how it can screw with your emotions and hormones I went off of it, and eventually over about 2 months of recovery, I wanted my husband again.

The only difference between you and I is that I didn't want sex at all. BC affects people differently so if you are on it, and there are no other emotional issues like other commenters have stated then it is worth looking into.

very good insight, but unfortunately, no. Same BC for 2 years.

ILoveTheBrowns

i being a man of average endowment and never having been married have no sound advice for you.

emmietoby

hi . are you on any new meds that makes you feel this way? before my ex and i broke up we haven't slept together in years. that was because of all the meds that i'm on. like i said he's gone and i still haven't had those feelings. talk to your doctor. '
let us know how you make out.

MTBrob

I obviously don't know you .. I don't .. But I am gonna give you the advice you are asking for based on what you have said..

You probably spend to much time flirting with other men here on MFP...Which I bet some you may have gotten emotionally attached to in some form or fashion .. You are using up energy which should be for your Husband, on relationships here..

You say he is all great yadda yadda.. But what this boils down to, to me is that you just aren't attracted to him any more. Doesn't mean you don't love him etc etc.. You just lost attraction..

Some times us guys are blind to this.. and some times we aren't we are actually scared to death but do not know how to fix it..

I would 100% like to remind you .. You MADE a vowel to love this man through thick and thin... Instead of whining on here you need to figure out how you can save your marriage especially if he is all the great things you say he is..

I would honestly say you two need help... But if therapy is to expensive for you and him at the moment. Perhaps you should try this book .. Check out the site marriedmansexlife.com Buy the married man sex life primer book ( its 10 bucks from amazon ) Have you and YOUR hubby read it..

Maybe you can put down your stupid fantasies of how green the grass may be on the other side and actually put the work back into your relationship and your family.

You're an adult marriage has ups and downs but on the downs that doesn't mean you cut tail and run .You need to be the wife he fell in love with again but a better version .. I am sure its hard but fake it until you make it..

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I will check out that book.

I appreciate your tough love, and I really am listening.

You're welcome.. Marriage isn't all sunshine, rainbows and white picket fences.. ****s tough lady ... You married because you wanted that dream of building a life together, creating a life together, growing old together, and seeing your kids do the same. But anything worth doing be it weight loss, or your marriage isn't always going to be easy. Nothing totally worth it is realized unless you work hard at it..

UsedToBeHusky

You know... and I am so not trying to be harsh... but did you ever consider that it's not him, it's you?

I would talk to your doctor about it, and maybe talk to a therapist too, especially if you had a difficult childhood.

Then, if nothing else seems wrong, maybe you should make more effort to support him in his weight loss. Recommend some activities you can do as a couple like cycling together or hiking together. Make some little changes to the meals you prepare for him to help reduce the calories. Honestly, if he is already trying to lose weight, then he will appreciate your extra effort to help him.

kellenas

OP, how often do you and your husband touch in a non sexual manner? Hold hands? Rub each other as you pass by? Lean in and kiss each other "just because"? All of those are intimate acts, but not necessarily sexual. They are ways to stay connected to each other emotionally and physically, which in turn builds the desire to be together.

This is so important

NikkiSixGuns

Read the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It addresses situations like what you're describing (and worse). I feel that everyone, regardless of whether they're in a committed relationship and/or their relationship has problems, should read it. You'll understand things about yourself and your man that you maybe kinda sorta already knew but never understood.

mlrd2010

I agree with talking with your husband, which is needed. I wonder what will happen when he gets old, his hair falls out or turns grey. What about wrinkles? I know this is crazy but step away from the computer and stop looking at the super fit 20 year olds. How would you feel if your husband compared you to the very attractive women on here? How would you stack up?

Reconnect with you husband. Maybe work out with him. If you tell him how proud you are of his weight loss it may motivate him to work harder at it. My wife married me at my heaviest, through her love and respect I was motivated to work hard to get in better shape. Yes there were other motivations too, but she stuck by and supported me.

pretty dang well, since you asked. I don't really compare my husband to guys on here, though...

wolverine66

It's been said before, but bears repeating, intimacy is more than physical attraction. If you have no interest in him physically, I'm willing to bet there's other issues. And since he's been that weight since the beginning, you can't honestly blame it on that. I'd suggest you figure out what's actually bothering you, and work on that.

There really AREN'T any other issues, at all. That's what's frustrating me so much about it. If there was a reason I could pin this down to, I'd really feel so much better, because then I'd know where to start to fix it.

I see in another post where you have a baby. If the baby's really young, hormones may be to blame. I had issues after my second. If you'd like to pm me, I'll happily discuss it with you further.

probably not hormones since she said she wants sex, just not from him.

I feel sorry for this guy. Apparently he's doing everything he can. His wife has no desire for him. He doesn't know this, and doesn't know why, so he can't take any steps to help the situation. And the longer he doesn't know, the less attracted she's going to get, and maybe even resenting him for not doing things that he doesn't know he should be trying to do.

besaro

maybe youre spending TOO much time together, all that cooking, snuggling, laughing together. Get some space my friend.

mlrd2010

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

Don't assume I don't have respect for my husband because i am not going about a problem the same way you would, please. It's not fair. You yourself are not married, so how would you know you wouldn't respond the same way? Mile in someone else's shoes, you know?

Also, my OP clearly states I am still in love with him emotionally. Learn to read good-er.

How do I know I wouldn't betray my husband's trust by discussing our sex life with random strangers on the Internet? Because I'm not a liar. Because I would never stand before God and everyone who ever mattered to me and promise to LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH a man and then share very private, intimate details about our life with ANYONE, let alone strangers. That's how I know I wouldn't do what you did.

And there is no such thing as being in love with someone "emotionally" but not physically. Being IN love is an all-encompassing thing. It's like being pregnant. You either are or you aren't.

Come back after having been married for several years (not that anyone would want you, with a nasty attitude like that) and see if you'd feel the same way.

No bearing or experience in the subject? Didn't think so. So shut up and take your judgments elsewhere. Idgaf what you think of me.

Mitzki5

One other thing. Does he do stuff without you? Any hobbies? Maybe you are just together way to much and need some space in you daily lives.

eric_sg61

I possibly see a future filled with regret.

CeleryStalker

Thank you, Celery. It's nice to see that for every formerly-fat miserable lonely person that unwarrantedly attacks me there are a few good people out there who actually read what I wrote.

LOL Maybe I'll be more of a jerk after I lose another 20#...

But seriously, there's no harm in asking what you've asked. Why hurt HIS feelings if it's nothing HE did? He can't fix it. It's your issue, and you need to figure out what it is and why it's happening. No sense in causing emotional trauma for no reason. Dig deep. You said this happened after you became fit. It could possibly be that now that you're fit (or on your way, I'm not sure where you are in your journey), that you resent him for still being out of shape. Stranger things have happened. See if you can coax him into a more rigid weight loss program. It can be your little secret...secretly getting him all buff and hot, while also working on your own fitness. Then when you're both lean and mean, you can have hot, sexy sex Rarrr!

Follow_me

Wow... just WOW.

This is getting crazy!

ldrosophila

2 words: Ashley Madison

I actually had to look that up, had no idea "who" Ashley Madison was.Thanks for that, but I'm not interested in sleeping around, no matter what my screwed up body is telling me. Not gonna happen.

that was going to be my advice, but not a paid site. Sometimes it's always nice to have a little slice of cake...kidding of course. I think if youre willing to work on the relationship get a counselor.

Colombianchick29

From prior experiance you just have to be brutally honest. rather hurt his feeling a little now, than loose complete interest and break his heart if you end up cheating on him or break up with him. I can totally relate. feel free to friend me! There is nothing wrong with you!!

Ed98043

It's been said before, but bears repeating, intimacy is more than physical attraction. If you have no interest in him physically, I'm willing to bet there's other issues. And since he's been that weight since the beginning, you can't honestly blame it on that. I'd suggest you figure out what's actually bothering you, and work on that.

Yep. I can't imagine that 50 lbs (especially since it's always been there) could drive someone to be literally disgusted at the thought of having sex with their spouse. I mean, I've had sex with significant others when I wasn't particularly in the mood, but I didn't hate it. I still got enjoyment from the closeness and making him happy. I think there must be an underlying issue in your relationship, whether it's you pulling away emotionally or maybe some simmering resentment.

UsedToBeHusky

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

Don't assume I don't have respect for my husband because i am not going about a problem the same way you would, please. It's not fair. You yourself are not married, so how would you know you wouldn't respond the same way? Mile in someone else's shoes, you know?

Also, my OP clearly states I am still in love with him emotionally. Learn to read good-er.

But are you really? Besides sex, do you look forward to spending time with him? Do you laugh with him, flirt with him, have date-nights? You really do have to work to keep romance and passion in a marriage, especially after you have children. Maybe if you work on bringing the romance back the passion will follow. You can even incorporate fitness and health into dates, go hiking, biking, cook together, etc. And I agree that you should have sex anyway, even if you have to fantasize, but NOT because he'll find it elsewhere (WTF?) but because hopefully, it'll build interest in him. Watch sexy movies together, use toys, lingerie, etc.

I do. We are BEST friends. I can't WAIT for him to get home after work. We cook together, laugh, joke around, snuggle on the couch after the baby is put to bed, and do everything we can, together.

This could be completely psychological on your part. Or, as someone else pointed out, your hormones are out-of-whack.

Go see a doctor.

mlrd2010

Thank you, Celery. It's nice to see that for every formerly-fat miserable lonely person that unwarrantedly attacks me there are a few good people out there who actually read what I wrote.

LOL Maybe I'll be more of a jerk after I lose another 20#...

But seriously, there's no harm in asking what you've asked. Why hurt HIS feelings if it's nothing HE did? He can't fix it. It's your issue, and you need to figure out what it is and why it's happening. No sense in causing emotional trauma for no reason. Dig deep. You said this happened after you became fit. It could possibly be that now that you're fit (or on your way, I'm not sure where you are in your journey), that you resent him for still being out of shape. Stranger things have happened. See if you can coax him into a more rigid weight loss program. It can be your little secret...secretly getting him all buff and hot, while also working on your own fitness. Then when you're both lean and mean, you can have hot, sexy sex Rarrr!

This is true. I do need to talk to him about it, I just need to word it in a way that won't crush him. I'm brainstorming already.

CookNLift

go buy a magic 8 ball. at least that way you won't be coming into online forums to discuss your personal life with strangers.

I just ordered the jerry springer channel. I await your appearance greatly

jofjltncb6

This has all the potential to turn into a classic!

Heading out the door...

...but tagging this for later.

pawnstarNate

if it's been said once, it's been said a zillion times.....JUST BREAK UP

Then remain friends and go get your stallion for your sexcapades

pspetralia

If only you could've shown your husband the respect of discussing this with him privately rather than telling everyone on the Internet how you still get turned on, just not for him, and that you have to resort to fantasizing about other men in order to have sex with him ... I would've said maybe a good old-fashioned adult conversation could help. But you clearly don't respect your husband and are very clearly not in love with him anymore, so yeah, I've got nothing.

Don't assume I don't have respect for my husband because i am not going about a problem the same way you would, please. It's not fair. You yourself are not married, so how would you know you wouldn't respond the same way? Mile in someone else's shoes, you know?

Also, my OP clearly states I am still in love with him emotionally. Learn to read good-er.

How do I know I wouldn't betray my husband's trust by discussing our sex life with random strangers on the Internet? Because I'm not a liar. Because I would never stand before God and everyone who ever mattered to me and promise to LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH a man and then share very private, intimate details about our life with ANYONE, let alone strangers. That's how I know I wouldn't do what you did.

And there is no such thing as being in love with someone "emotionally" but not physically. Being IN love is an all-encompassing thing. It's like being pregnant. You either are or you aren't.

Come back after having been married for several years (not that anyone would want you, with a nasty attitude like that) and see if you'd feel the same way.

No bearing or experience in the subject? Didn't think so. So shut up and take your judgments elsewhere. Idgaf what you think of me.

I've been married for 17 years and totally agree with Casey. People don't seem to bat an eye at how much private info they share. In my opinion, it would be disrespectful to my husband and our marriage if I shared our personal info with others instead of working it out with him.

mlrd2010

From prior experiance you just have to be brutally honest. rather hurt his feeling a little now, than loose complete interest and break his heart if you end up cheating on him or break up with him. I can totally relate. feel free to friend me! There is nothing wrong with you!!

Thanks a lot. I'm not sure how to break it to him, but I will soon. It can't get better til it's out, I guess.

Chain_Ring

". He had his birthday a few months ago, and I knew he was really looking forward to some, so I gave the poor guy a break." <

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THAT'S F*CKED UP.