Can cheaters change?

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  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
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    I'm sure they probably could; would i give a cheater that opportunity....Nah!

    I would have to agree with this to a certain extent. If my spouse cheated on me, I would most likely end the relationship then and there. That doesn't mean I believe that she couldn't start a new relationship and remain faithful.

    I think (only in theory) that if someone gets cheated on, it could be tempting to believe that person must have some moral permanant defect that couldn't have been saved or changed. Because if that person goes on to have a nice long monogamous relationship with another person, the scary thought is "Why couldn't they do that with me?"
  • ArroganceInStep
    ArroganceInStep Posts: 6,239 Member
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    I'm sure they probably could; would i give a cheater that opportunity....Nah!

    I would have to agree with this to a certain extent. If my spouse cheated on me, I would most likely end the relationship then and there. That doesn't mean I believe that she couldn't start a new relationship and remain faithful.

    I think (only in theory) that if someone gets cheated on, it could be tempting to believe that person must have some moral permanant defect that couldn't have been saved or changed. Because if that person goes on to have a nice long monogamous relationship with another person, the scary thought is "Why couldn't they do that with me?"

    It's not me, it's you.
  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
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    I'm sure they probably could; would i give a cheater that opportunity....Nah!

    I would have to agree with this to a certain extent. If my spouse cheated on me, I would most likely end the relationship then and there. That doesn't mean I believe that she couldn't start a new relationship and remain faithful.

    I think (only in theory) that if someone gets cheated on, it could be tempting to believe that person must have some moral permanant defect that couldn't have been saved or changed. Because if that person goes on to have a nice long monogamous relationship with another person, the scary thought is "Why couldn't they do that with me?"

    It's not me, it's you.

    There is always an exception to the rule. This one is morally depraved and beyond salvation.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    Behaviour good and bad has consequences. You can decide to change but you can't necessarily wipe out the consequences of your actions. Weight gained can usually be lost again. But trust broken due to cheating can rarely be re-gained.

    Thank you for this!….. Someone was trying to convey that since you can sign up on mfp and lose some lbs then you can also stop being unfaithful. Hence this thread… The consequences of a cheater are pain, distrust, hurt, trauma, etc..on his spouse and his children and the rest of family and friends…being overweight is not the same thing. :)

    That's not what was said. Signing up on MFP and losing weight was an example of how people can change for the better.
  • in_the_stars
    in_the_stars Posts: 1,395 Member
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    No, from my experience, they cannot. I love hearing when my ex cheats on the woman he cheated on me with!!

    wt? Nice, real nice.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    I believe stopping is not changing. We must live with the consequences of our actions. Nothing can change. Having the courage to stop is laudable and commendable. But the past hasn't changed.

    I had no idea we were talking about time travel here. :indifferent:
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    You all make me laugh talking about cheaters. Most of you flirt on here and I'm sure send naked pics too. So, for those of you thinking cheating is just physical, you're all wrong.

    Incoming!
  • ArroganceInStep
    ArroganceInStep Posts: 6,239 Member
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    There is always an exception to the rule. This one is morally depraved and beyond salvation.

    power-of-christ-compels-you-cat.jpg
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    Funny how you excuse one and not the other. :laugh:

    I am just being compassionate in a situation where a child (a child, not a full grown man) is coping with pain. Being compassionate sometimes generates laughter.

    Yes, but you're ignoring that the same situation that could lead some to drugs could also lead some to sex.


    Your argument is kinda bad.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    OK, so 6 pages later, let's recap. By your own admission, what you MEANT when you typed 'Can cheaters change' was actually 'Can cheaters change the past?'

    Undisclosed...words.

    2u6db41.jpg

    wbzd7c.jpg
  • juniperfox
    juniperfox Posts: 127 Member
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    Everyone has the capacity to change their habits. Few have the willpower to do it.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
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    The selfishness has been curbed, or is managed, that's all. The consequences of their licentiousness still lives. The fact that they changed does not erase the pain they inflicted on others.

    Luckily, they have only have to forgive themselves to move past it to change. I recommend you look into the same.

    Just because you label them a cheater for a mistake in the past doesn't make them a cheater today.
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
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    So, I would like to get in to with some of the people in this thread's EXs cause they sure messed them up for life by cheating on them. It would be interesting to see the other side of the story and how they moved on or are still living with the guilt.
  • greenhudler
    greenhudler Posts: 150
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    As a former cheater I will beg to differ with many opinions and say that people CAN change. People can grow up. People can do anything they set their minds to. Do most change? Absolutely not. However, they can and I am proof of that. I cheated on most of my significant others during highschool, I cheated in most of my adult relationships. The fact is, I was very unhappy with myself and I projected that onto other people and almost had a "I'll cheat on them before they can cheat on me" kind of mentality. As I grew up, I started to see things differently. When my husband and I first met I was a hormonal wreck, I was still mourning some things that had happened in my life. I never physically slept with someone else, but I had huge feelings for someone and held their hand. He and I separated for about 3 months. During that time I got to think even more about the person I wanted to be, and just as important...the person I wanted to be with. I was head over heels for my (at the time) boyfriend (now: husband) and I realized that I only cheated on him out of habit. I had been doing it my whole life because I never felt good about myself. I never felt "good enough" and after my relationship with my first husband ended (domestic violence) I had felt even more depressed and unworthy of love.

    During the three months we were separated, things changed. I realized that I deserved him, I was WORTH SOMETHING and so was he. I realized that just as much as being cheated on had hurt me, I had hurt all of these people in my life by doing that to them. I called him and cried my eyes out apologizing, and he apologized for his reaction at the time (long story) and we decided to go into counseling. Long story short, it has been quite a few years since this happened. We have been married for three years, and have a two year old son. He loves me, and he loves my children from my previous marriage as much as the one we have together. He has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself and everyone who had ever hurt me. I actually wrote to a few people from my past to apologize and make amends. I changed.

    Change can happen, it just takes some real motivation and willpower.


    EDIT:
    I see some people talking about whether or not trust can be regained. Yes, it can be...but it takes time. There are still times, this long after what I did, that my husband gets a little freaked out and worried. But instead of accusing me of anything, he sits me down and voices his concerns. We talk them over together and I spend the next month or so doing all I can to show that he has absolutely nothing to worry about. I realize that his distrust is my fault, and I take responsibility for that. That's what matters. Recognizing when you have messed up and doing everything in your power to rectify it. Sure I could tell him he's being "paranoid" but what good would that do? None, in fact it would likely make things worse. We just go over the thoughts he's having and we have a rational conversation. We love each other, so we have done and will continue to do whatever it takes to strengthen our relationship and show each other unconditional love on a daily basis.
  • redladywitch
    redladywitch Posts: 799 Member
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    :heart: the answers
  • 1dce
    1dce Posts: 238 Member
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    No, from my experience, they cannot. I love hearing when my ex cheats on the woman he cheated on me with!!
    hee hee hee
  • WannabeStressFree
    WannabeStressFree Posts: 340 Member
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    I personally feel that a cheater is a broken person, He/she can change but only if they want and when they are ready for it. Not everyone will, it takes life experience to spot one of these people.
  • greenhudler
    greenhudler Posts: 150
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    I personally feel that a cheater is a broken person, He/she can change but only if they want and when they are ready for it. Not everyone will, it takes life experience to spot one of these people.
    As an "ex-cheater" I agree with this whole heartedly.
  • redheaddee
    redheaddee Posts: 2,005 Member
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    Yes, but only if they want to.
  • KevinPsalm23v4
    KevinPsalm23v4 Posts: 208 Member
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    Not when they show no remorse for the behavior, refuse to apology for the agony, heartache, pain and misery it caused, they blame you why they cheated, say that because it ain't a law you-can't-tell-them-no-or-stop, also no they can't change when they use that threat to cheat again if they don't get what they want. The hardest part was that finding out it was NOT with a friend - but - someone they met at Ashley Madison.com.

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