Single Moms, not worth dating? Do tell...

rml_16

Financial contribution TO HIS CHILDREN is his responsibility. If mom is living off that money, he has been ordered to pay too much. That is his business, as it is not his responsibility to support their mom. Only them.

Considering the cost of daycare, he'd pretty much be paying the same amount if he's contributing to that cost. So, pay Mom to stay home and raise them or pay a stranger to raise them while Mom goes to work.

*shrug*

JustSomeEm

I think the point was that just as many women as men get screwed by the system, and there are just as many trashy men as there are women gaming the system.

Sarahndipity30

What I've heard from some of my male friends is that they don't take women with kids seriously because they want a family all their own. It's personal preference.

This is what my husband said to me when we first started dating. It was a deal-breaker for him.

My boyfriend said the same thing..that If I had a child we never would have went out. He didn't want to raise someone elses kid. I wasn't (and still dont) know how I feel about it because I know there are some AMAZING single parents out there who did nothing to get that way (spouse left prior to birth, boyfriend/girlfriend ran out on them, spouse passed away etc). I have no kids..so it wasn't an issue but we defin disagree on the dating or not dating single rents. thing

I wouldn't label them as gold diggers and such..sure they are ou tthere..but it isn't very fair at all.

rml_16

I think the point was that just as many women as men get screwed by the system, and there are just as many trashy men as there are women gaming the system.

Thank you.

djeffreys10

She didn't have a job and lived entirely off of the child support from her exes. And the guys interested in her were pretty quality men, too.

To avoid going on a rage and posting what I think of a woman (and I use that term loosely as an accurate descriptor would just be blocked by the forum censors anyway) that will live of money supplied by her ex and meant for her kids, I will just some it up by saying SHE is what is wrong with the way child support is set up.

My jimmies status: rustled

In her defense, I will say that her kids were preschool aged at the time I was clsoe to her and she didn't have an education or real skills, so any job she got would have paid probably less than daycare would have cost. Part of supporting your kids is making sure they are well taken care of and sometimes the best way to do that is for Mom to be home with them, regardless of the circumstances.

There is no defence for a man having to support his ex wife. And laws vary by states, but in most states day care is in addition to child support. The state determines how much they expect the parents to be spending on the kids, given their combined incomes (which adds up to a crap ton more than it costs to raise the kids). Then they add up the salary of the man and woman. If the man makes 75% of that total (for example), he is ordered to pay 75% of the total amount the state calculated that they expect the parents to pay. Then AFTER that, day care is split up much the same way.

The end result is if the dad makes decent money at all, he pays a crap ton more than the kids cost and the mom gets a lifestyle boost at his expense. Luckily for me I have custody, so I am not a victim of this. But that is the way it works.

Child support does not work that way. I'm VERY familiar with it and through more than one state. I received child support and my fiance pays it.

And have you not heard of alimony?

I am very familiar with it as well. And yes, I have heard of alimony. It is a totally bullsh!t concept that should not exist. Luckily, in Alabama, it is VERY rarely ordered.

You seem bitter.

I am. I am one of the lucky few dads that did not get screwed over by the system. Simply because I was lucky enough to be able to get my ex wife convicted of a couple serious crimes she commited. But a system that is set up to screw me over makes me quite bitter. And those like your friend who game the system...well, I won't mention what they actually deserve.

The system isn't rigged to screw you over. I've had numerous guys ask me how they could get custody, but they screw it up every single time. First step is to not leave the family home and/or let mom walk all over you, no matter how "society" says custody/divorce/breakups are supposed to work. Not buying it, sorry.

And alimony can be legit - say you married someone who didn't speak English, or has a disability. Grow up.

The first thing any divorce attorney that is not blowing smoke up your *kitten* will tell you is that, as a man, it is an uphill climb. Family court is biased towards a woman. You can argue against that, but you will be wrong. Period. And the child support system is set up in such a way that a man earning any kind of decent money will be paying TONS more than what the kids cost in child support. That is a fact. Again, you can argue it. But you will be wrong. I know how much I WOULD be paying in child support. And, given that I am raising my kids (without recievin child support, mind you), I know how much they cost. And the two amounts are not even close.

And there are plenty of people who do not speak English, or who has a disability, that I am not reponsible for financially supporting. If I were once married to them, that shouldn't change it. When my marriage to a person ends, and and all responsibility I have towards that person should end. In my case, it did. That is one scenario that my state gets correct, even if it is just as screwed up as the rest concerning child support.

Then I would urge more people to investigate the law just in case things go bad. Can't say any of it is a secret, therefore, if you don't like it, either don't marry/make kids or be 100% sure you know what you are getting into with that person. I'd want to know the consequences of a legal contract that gets voided 53% of the time. And I got custody in Texas, a state that surpasses Alabama for retards.

Agreed, more people should. However, biased laws should still be changed.

DMZ_1

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

sillygoosie

Meh. Why let it bother you? I'm a single mom and I never wanted to date single dads. Mainly because I don't have my daughter on the weekends and that's when most single dads have their kids. The logistics of that makes it almost impossible to actually "date". I also don't want any more kids, whether I birth them or they belong to someone else. I don't think I'm an *kitten* because of this. I have every right to live the kind of lifestyle I want. By chance I found a child free man who loves me and my daughter and is content have us as his family.

There is someone for everyone.

BigSnicka

I am. I am one of the lucky few dads that did not get screwed over by the system. Simply because I was lucky enough to be able to get my ex wife convicted of a couple serious crimes she commited. But a system that is set up to screw me over makes me quite bitter. And those like your friend who game the system...well, I won't mention what they actually deserve.

I got pretty lucky myself. I hired a private eye to prove that my ex-wife was lying to the courts. The look on her face when she was busted was priceless!!! I received full custody with no visitation when my daughter was 1 years old. My ex-wife didn't pay one red cent of child support even though it was ordered, so I have a special place in my heart for any single parent period.

Now based on society these days with the tranny's and pre-ops out there, a single mother actually might be safer for the straight guy because at least you know the equipment was God given and not man made! :laugh:

summertime_girl

I know a lot of guys don't want to date a single mom. That's fine. My problem is only with the guy who made me fall for him, hard, knowing the whole time I had kids. Then then when things got serious, said he couldn't deal with them. That stung a lot. I wasn't looking for a father figure for them, I didn't need a meal ticket or a place to live. (Ironically, he did).

Every date I go on now I'm very up front about the fact that I have kids. If it's a deal breaker, tell me right away.

djeffreys10

I am. I am one of the lucky few dads that did not get screwed over by the system. Simply because I was lucky enough to be able to get my ex wife convicted of a couple serious crimes. But a system that is set up to screw me over makes me quite bitter. And those like your friend who game the system...well, I won't mention what they actually deserve.

My daughter's father did not pay a dime in child support the first EIGHT years of her life because the state "couldn't find him" to serve him with papers. Then he got out of arrears for the first two years of her life. THEN they didn't make him pay for a dime of child care or health costs and let him out of a couple thousand dollars of arrears when she turned 18 because it "wasn't an enforceable amount."

Meanwhile, I paid for everything, am making sure she gets an= education and he's going on vacation after vacation (Europe, Vegas and who knows where else?) while I couldn't afford a trip to Buffalo to see my dying grandmother.

But, yeah, men get screwed by the system and we mothers have it made. :flowerforyou:

Meanwhile, trash live off money meant for the child paid by the dad. Proving the dad is paying WAY too much. Yes, men get screwed by the system.

Frankly, it's none of dad's business where the money goes. It's his duty to do his part, which is financial contribution. This is precisely the reason I declined support from my ex, because she would critique every dime I spent - she can live with knowing how little she contributes. However, if I did receive support, I would use it in the interest of my kid and put the rest into a savings/trust. Kids aren't cheap. It's more than food and clothing.

Financial contribution TO HIS CHILDREN is his responsibility. If mom is living off that money, he has been ordered to pay too much. That is his business, as it is not his responsibility to support their mom. Only them.

So how are you going to make 100% certain that it is your money, unless you go into the bank account and meddle? You'll never be 100% certain, but you will look like a petty *kitten* eventually.

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

djeffreys10

Financial contribution TO HIS CHILDREN is his responsibility. If mom is living off that money, he has been ordered to pay too much. That is his business, as it is not his responsibility to support their mom. Only them.

Considering the cost of daycare, he'd pretty much be paying the same amount if he's contributing to that cost. So, pay Mom to stay home and raise them or pay a stranger to raise them while Mom goes to work.

*shrug*

I am raising my children. And it is not my ex wifes job to pay me to do it. If I am unable or unwilling to do it, I have no business having custody. And if I believe I should get paid to raise my kids, I DEFINITELY have no business having custody.

in_the_stars

This post makes me sad. No children but I will always take care of my self financially. I do have a few friends that are single moms, but don't see them often as they are looking for a man to take care of the $ and such.

Bry_Fitness70

Back in my dating days, I generally didn’t date single moms for only 1 reason: I don’t want whoever she had kids with to be involved in my life. If dad is a great guy, he’s going to be in your life a lot because of the kids, and I’m not that interested in acquiring a new buddy along with a girlfriend. If dad is a dirtbag, that can bring a whole new set of problems.

rml_16

Financial contribution TO HIS CHILDREN is his responsibility. If mom is living off that money, he has been ordered to pay too much. That is his business, as it is not his responsibility to support their mom. Only them.

Considering the cost of daycare, he'd pretty much be paying the same amount if he's contributing to that cost. So, pay Mom to stay home and raise them or pay a stranger to raise them while Mom goes to work.

*shrug*

I am raising my children. And it is not my ex wifes job to pay me to do it. If I am unable or unwilling to do it, I have no business having custody. And if I believe I should get paid to raise my kids, I DEFINITELY have no business having custody.

But it is both parents' responsibility to give the children a good life and a large part of that is financial. So, it kind of is the non-custodial parent's partial responsibility to "pay" the custodial parent to raise the children.

Are you aware that the custodial parent by law has to live in a house/apartment with a certain number of bedrooms based on the number and gender of the children while the non-custodial parents (even when custody is "shared evenly") can live anywhere and still have visitation? The custodial parent's expenses will always be a lot more because of laws like that. It doesn't break out 50/50.

WeepingAngel81

It works both ways. I wouldn't date a man that didn't have children. I am a single mom and I do just fine on my own, however I understand that men who don't have kids more than likely want to live a different lifestyle until they are ready to do so. In my past experience, men without kids don't always understand what an undertaking it can be to find a sitter and go out. I had a guy make snarky remarks once about how I have a "curfew" becuase my sitter had to be home at a certain time. After that I decided men without kids just aren't for me. I'm ok with being single until the right person comes along. I have been on dates, some good, some bad, but nothing serious as of yet. I'm in no hurry, but I do like to go out from time to time when I get the chance.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I wouldn't date a single mom.

Or maybe I would... :drinker:

wheird

Nothing wrong with a single mom. If anything I think that I could expect a reasonable amount of maturity from them.

I only ask that any drama with the father be handled prior.

Mr_Knight

I detest drama, hence the reason I don't have too many female friends and never have.

Oh my.

That's thread-worthy in its own right!

:laugh:

DymonNdaRgh40

I have to say that dating a single parent will have its issues for both people dating. It's really a personal preference. I personally don't have a preference either way for the guy to be a single parent or single without kids just as long as he is a good person. My tolerance for BS is very low. I'm not looking for any assistance as far as my daughter and I are concerned. She is an amazing teenager and we are both blessed. If a guy didn't want to date me because I'm a single parent, that's fine... NEXT!

odusgolp

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

I love it when children are referred to as "baggage."


Love.

:flowerforyou:

kellenas

I detest drama, hence the reason I don't have too many female friends and never have.

Oh my.

That's thread-worthy in its own right!

:laugh:

Isn't it, though? :bigsmile:

dirty_dirty_eater

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

All the paternal instincts of a boar hog.

If a kid has to be "your" kid for you to love and raise them, please don't reproduce. You don't understand the concept of parental love well enough to be trusted with little lives.

rml_16

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

All the paternal instincts of a boar hog.

If a kid has to be "your" kid for you to love and raise them, please don't reproduce. You don't understand the concept of parental love well enough to be trusted with little lives.

I don't think we really have to worry about that. He'd have to find a woman willing to reproduce with him first and I think even getting one to talk to him might be a serious challenge.

BinaryPulsar

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

I love it when children are referred to as "baggage."


Love.

:flowerforyou:

I was just thinking the same thing.

summertime_girl

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I totally disagree. I could have gotten up to 33% of my ex's gross income, though I ended up asking for less than 20%, because I just wanted the divorce done without arguing. However, even 33% of his paycheck wouldn't even come close to covering basic living expenses for our children. I have full custody. Between the fact that I have to maintain a house, rather than a small apartment, feed them, pay for sports, clothes, vehicles/transportation, birthday parties, vacations, whatever, I spend far, far more than I ever get from him.

Perhaps it would be more than the actual cost if I changed my children's standard of living after their father left, but they don't deserve that. They deserve to live as they always have. My ex makes good money. Kids just cost a ridiculous amount.

erickirb

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I totally disagree. I could have gotten up to 33% of my ex's gross income, though I ended up asking for less than 20%, because I just wanted the divorce done without arguing. However, even 33% of his paycheck wouldn't even come close to covering basic living expenses for our children. I have full custody. Between the fact that I have to maintain a house, rather than a small apartment, feed them, pay for sports, clothes, vehicles/transportation, birthday parties, vacations, whatever, I spend far, far more than I ever get from him.

Perhaps it would be more than the actual cost if I changed my children's standard of living after their father left, but they don't deserve that. They deserve to live as they always have. My ex makes good money. Kids just cost a ridiculous amount.

Depends what you call decent money, and expensive to raise. The guy you quoted is raising 2 kids on his own with no support, so he knows what he would have to pay her, and how much they actually cost.

I know my ex-gets more than the cost to raise my son, and sports, and other activities are extra and I would have to pay my share of those expenses too, above the child support, and daycare costs I already provide.

rml_16

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I totally disagree. I could have gotten up to 33% of my ex's gross income, though I ended up asking for less than 20%, because I just wanted the divorce done without arguing. However, even 33% of his paycheck wouldn't even come close to covering basic living expenses for our children. I have full custody. Between the fact that I have to maintain a house, rather than a small apartment, feed them, pay for sports, clothes, vehicles/transportation, birthday parties, vacations, whatever, I spend far, far more than I ever get from him.

Perhaps it would be more than the actual cost if I changed my children's standard of living after their father left, but they don't deserve that. They deserve to live as they always have. My ex makes good money. Kids just cost a ridiculous amount.

Depends what you call decent money, and expensive to raise. The guy you quoted is raising 2 kids on his own with no support, so he knows what he would have to pay her, and how much they actually cost.

I know my ex-gets more than the cost to raise my son, and sports, and other activities are extra and I would have to pay my share of those expenses too, above the child support, and daycare costs I already provide.

I doubt he's factoring in ALL the costs, though. I bet he isn't factoring in the cost of housing specifically or birthday presents for friends or myriad other "hidden" expenses.

He probably isn't considering the extra electricity and water usage, things like that. There is a lot more than just food and clothing involved in the expenses of raising children.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

http://money.cnn.com/2013/08/14/pf/cost-children/

According to this, it cost $1,116 a month to raise a child at a middle class lifestyle.

rocky503

I am more concerned about men who want to date single moms with kids in the home…. Not the other way around.

I have experienced many divorces, none of which were mine. Since I knew how difficult the step family situation can be I purposely avoided dating men with children.

Single parents really should put their kids first and sometimes that means setting aside your needs for awhile to focus on raising your kids who are at a disadvantage.

The longer I walk this earth the clearer it becomes that staying married has the biggest impact on our lives; more than anything else.

rml_16

I am more concerned about men who want to date single moms with kids in the home…. Not the other way around.

I have experienced many divorces, none of which were mine. Since I knew how difficult the step family situation can be I purposely avoided dating men with children.

Single parents really should put their kids first and sometimes that means setting aside your needs for awhile to focus on raising your kids who are at a disadvantage.

The longer I walk this earth the clearer it becomes that staying married has the biggest impact on our lives; more than anything else.

Dr. Laura? Is that you?