Single Moms, not worth dating? Do tell...

kellenas

I detest drama, hence the reason I don't have too many female friends and never have.

Oh my.

That's thread-worthy in its own right!

:laugh:

Isn't it, though? :bigsmile:

dirty_dirty_eater

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

All the paternal instincts of a boar hog.

If a kid has to be "your" kid for you to love and raise them, please don't reproduce. You don't understand the concept of parental love well enough to be trusted with little lives.

rml_16

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

All the paternal instincts of a boar hog.

If a kid has to be "your" kid for you to love and raise them, please don't reproduce. You don't understand the concept of parental love well enough to be trusted with little lives.

I don't think we really have to worry about that. He'd have to find a woman willing to reproduce with him first and I think even getting one to talk to him might be a serious challenge.

BinaryPulsar

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

I love it when children are referred to as "baggage."


Love.

:flowerforyou:

I was just thinking the same thing.

summertime_girl

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I totally disagree. I could have gotten up to 33% of my ex's gross income, though I ended up asking for less than 20%, because I just wanted the divorce done without arguing. However, even 33% of his paycheck wouldn't even come close to covering basic living expenses for our children. I have full custody. Between the fact that I have to maintain a house, rather than a small apartment, feed them, pay for sports, clothes, vehicles/transportation, birthday parties, vacations, whatever, I spend far, far more than I ever get from him.

Perhaps it would be more than the actual cost if I changed my children's standard of living after their father left, but they don't deserve that. They deserve to live as they always have. My ex makes good money. Kids just cost a ridiculous amount.

erickirb

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I totally disagree. I could have gotten up to 33% of my ex's gross income, though I ended up asking for less than 20%, because I just wanted the divorce done without arguing. However, even 33% of his paycheck wouldn't even come close to covering basic living expenses for our children. I have full custody. Between the fact that I have to maintain a house, rather than a small apartment, feed them, pay for sports, clothes, vehicles/transportation, birthday parties, vacations, whatever, I spend far, far more than I ever get from him.

Perhaps it would be more than the actual cost if I changed my children's standard of living after their father left, but they don't deserve that. They deserve to live as they always have. My ex makes good money. Kids just cost a ridiculous amount.

Depends what you call decent money, and expensive to raise. The guy you quoted is raising 2 kids on his own with no support, so he knows what he would have to pay her, and how much they actually cost.

I know my ex-gets more than the cost to raise my son, and sports, and other activities are extra and I would have to pay my share of those expenses too, above the child support, and daycare costs I already provide.

rml_16

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I totally disagree. I could have gotten up to 33% of my ex's gross income, though I ended up asking for less than 20%, because I just wanted the divorce done without arguing. However, even 33% of his paycheck wouldn't even come close to covering basic living expenses for our children. I have full custody. Between the fact that I have to maintain a house, rather than a small apartment, feed them, pay for sports, clothes, vehicles/transportation, birthday parties, vacations, whatever, I spend far, far more than I ever get from him.

Perhaps it would be more than the actual cost if I changed my children's standard of living after their father left, but they don't deserve that. They deserve to live as they always have. My ex makes good money. Kids just cost a ridiculous amount.

Depends what you call decent money, and expensive to raise. The guy you quoted is raising 2 kids on his own with no support, so he knows what he would have to pay her, and how much they actually cost.

I know my ex-gets more than the cost to raise my son, and sports, and other activities are extra and I would have to pay my share of those expenses too, above the child support, and daycare costs I already provide.

I doubt he's factoring in ALL the costs, though. I bet he isn't factoring in the cost of housing specifically or birthday presents for friends or myriad other "hidden" expenses.

He probably isn't considering the extra electricity and water usage, things like that. There is a lot more than just food and clothing involved in the expenses of raising children.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

http://money.cnn.com/2013/08/14/pf/cost-children/

According to this, it cost $1,116 a month to raise a child at a middle class lifestyle.

rocky503

I am more concerned about men who want to date single moms with kids in the home…. Not the other way around.

I have experienced many divorces, none of which were mine. Since I knew how difficult the step family situation can be I purposely avoided dating men with children.

Single parents really should put their kids first and sometimes that means setting aside your needs for awhile to focus on raising your kids who are at a disadvantage.

The longer I walk this earth the clearer it becomes that staying married has the biggest impact on our lives; more than anything else.

rml_16

I am more concerned about men who want to date single moms with kids in the home…. Not the other way around.

I have experienced many divorces, none of which were mine. Since I knew how difficult the step family situation can be I purposely avoided dating men with children.

Single parents really should put their kids first and sometimes that means setting aside your needs for awhile to focus on raising your kids who are at a disadvantage.

The longer I walk this earth the clearer it becomes that staying married has the biggest impact on our lives; more than anything else.

Dr. Laura? Is that you?

randomtai

I am more concerned about men who want to date single moms with kids in the home…. Not the other way around.

I have experienced many divorces, none of which were mine. Since I knew how difficult the step family situation can be I purposely avoided dating men with children.

Single parents really should put their kids first and sometimes that means setting aside your needs for awhile to focus on raising your kids who are at a disadvantage.

The longer I walk this earth the clearer it becomes that staying married has the biggest impact on our lives; more than anything else.

Um. k. :huh:

Iron_Lotus

I am more concerned about men who want to date single moms with kids in the home…. Not the other way around.

I have experienced many divorces, none of which were mine. Since I knew how difficult the step family situation can be I purposely avoided dating men with children.

Single parents really should put their kids first and sometimes that means setting aside your needs for awhile to focus on raising your kids who are at a disadvantage.

The longer I walk this earth the clearer it becomes that staying married has the biggest impact on our lives; more than anything else.

.

GiGiBeans

I wouldn't date anyone with kids because I don't like or want kids, plain and simple. I've had the opportunity to date both single moms and single dads and the kids are a total deal breaker. And I feel zero guilt for that.

Ditto. Not everyone wants kids.Not sure why some people find this so offensive.

BinaryPulsar

I wouldn't date anyone with kids because I don't like or want kids, plain and simple. I've had the opportunity to date both single moms and single dads and the kids are a total deal breaker. And I feel zero guilt for that.

Ditto. Not everyone wants kids.Not sure why some people find this so offensive.

I don't find it offensive. It is reasonable.

Some people still might prefer that people talk about children and mothers in a respectful way (or they are just commenting on it in a forum because that's what people do in forums). But, ultimately it has no impact on me and I don't really care that much. Better for people to be upfront and honest.

fbmandy55

I do not date single moms. I do not have children. I believe that men who do not have children and women who have them are usually bad fits for a long term relationship.

Dating is already complicated enough without the baggage of kids. I like to start with a minimum of complications. I like the idea of both of us starting out with no kids.

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

All the paternal instincts of a boar hog.

If a kid has to be "your" kid for you to love and raise them, please don't reproduce. You don't understand the concept of parental love well enough to be trusted with little lives.

:drinker:

:noway:

LankyYankee

[
Some people still might prefer that people talk about children and mothers in a respectful way (or they are just commenting on it in a forum because that's what people do in forums).

This. So much this. Thanks for putting that in a far more concise manner than I did when I started this little debacle :flowerforyou:

BinaryPulsar

[
Some people still might prefer that people talk about children and mothers in a respectful way (or they are just commenting on it in a forum because that's what people do in forums).

This. So much this. Thanks for putting that in a far more concise manner than I did when I started this little debacle :flowerforyou:

:flowerforyou:

djeffreys10

But it is both parents' responsibility to give the children a good life and a large part of that is financial. So, it kind of is the non-custodial parent's partial responsibility to "pay" the custodial parent to raise the children.

Are you aware that the custodial parent by law has to live in a house/apartment with a certain number of bedrooms based on the number and gender of the children while the non-custodial parents (even when custody is "shared evenly") can live anywhere and still have visitation? The custodial parent's expenses will always be a lot more because of laws like that. It doesn't break out 50/50.

No, it isn't. Any custodial parent that thinks they should be paid to raise their own kids shouldn't be raising their kids. They should be grateful for the privilege of raising their kids. Not looking at it as something they should get paid to do.

And I am perfectly aware fo what is required of being a custodial parent vs. being a non custodial parent, considering I maintian a house with three bedrooms (myself, my son, and my daughter). While my ex, for a time, lived in a two bedroom apartment with my son and daughter sharing a bedroom so her boyfriend could sleep in her bedroom, with a female roommate who slept in the living room with her boyfriend. And the courts would not do anything about it because she wasn't violtaing any regulations. I assure you that you aren't going to "educate" me on anything regarding the costs of being a custodial parent vs. the cost of being a non custodial parent.

I totally disagree. I could have gotten up to 33% of my ex's gross income, though I ended up asking for less than 20%, because I just wanted the divorce done without arguing. However, even 33% of his paycheck wouldn't even come close to covering basic living expenses for our children. I have full custody. Between the fact that I have to maintain a house, rather than a small apartment, feed them, pay for sports, clothes, vehicles/transportation, birthday parties, vacations, whatever, I spend far, far more than I ever get from him.

Perhaps it would be more than the actual cost if I changed my children's standard of living after their father left, but they don't deserve that. They deserve to live as they always have. My ex makes good money. Kids just cost a ridiculous amount.

Depends what you call decent money, and expensive to raise. The guy you quoted is raising 2 kids on his own with no support, so he knows what he would have to pay her, and how much they actually cost.

I know my ex-gets more than the cost to raise my son, and sports, and other activities are extra and I would have to pay my share of those expenses too, above the child support, and daycare costs I already provide.

This. I am perfectly aware what it costs to raise children. I am doing it. And the child support you get should not cover the cost of raising the kids. it shouldn't cover more than 1/2 the cost of meeting the kids needs. You are 1/2 the parents, you should cover 1/2 the cost of their basic needs. If either parent wants to provide above and beyond their basic needs, that should be at that parents descretion. All that is required when parents are married is that they provide their basic needs. They should not be legally held to a higher finacial standard just because they are divorced.

I doubt he's factoring in ALL the costs, though. I bet he isn't factoring in the cost of housing specifically or birthday presents for friends or myriad other "hidden" expenses.

He probably isn't considering the extra electricity and water usage, things like that. There is a lot more than just food and clothing involved in the expenses of raising children.

And you would lose that bet.

WeepingAngel81

I am. I am one of the lucky few dads that did not get screwed over by the system. Simply because I was lucky enough to be able to get my ex wife convicted of a couple serious crimes. But a system that is set up to screw me over makes me quite bitter. And those like your friend who game the system...well, I won't mention what they actually deserve.

My daughter's father did not pay a dime in child support the first EIGHT years of her life because the state "couldn't find him" to serve him with papers. Then he got out of arrears for the first two years of her life. THEN they didn't make him pay for a dime of child care or health costs and let him out of a couple thousand dollars of arrears when she turned 18 because it "wasn't an enforceable amount."

Meanwhile, I paid for everything, am making sure she gets an= education and he's going on vacation after vacation (Europe, Vegas and who knows where else?) while I couldn't afford a trip to Buffalo to see my dying grandmother.

But, yeah, men get screwed by the system and we mothers have it made. :flowerforyou:

Meanwhile, trash live off money meant for the child paid by the dad. Proving the dad is paying WAY too much. Yes, men get screwed by the system.

Frankly, it's none of dad's business where the money goes. It's his duty to do his part, which is financial contribution. This is precisely the reason I declined support from my ex, because she would critique every dime I spent - she can live with knowing how little she contributes. However, if I did receive support, I would use it in the interest of my kid and put the rest into a savings/trust. Kids aren't cheap. It's more than food and clothing.

Financial contribution TO HIS CHILDREN is his responsibility. If mom is living off that money, he has been ordered to pay too much. That is his business, as it is not his responsibility to support their mom. Only them.

So how are you going to make 100% certain that it is your money, unless you go into the bank account and meddle? You'll never be 100% certain, but you will look like a petty *kitten* eventually.

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I have seen you post a few times on the discuss of child support. While I agree with you on many points as far as the system being more pro mom, I can also say that in some cases dad's have not really held each other accountable as far as supporting their children either. While I do know mother's who do use child support more for themselves, this isn't the case for all mother's and unfortunatly the laws are looking at the easiest way around this, which is by charging a high amount to the non custodial parents based on pay. I know this isn't the most fair way of doing it, but for some it is. It's a toss up for sure.

I was married to my daughter's dad and he and I settled out of court. We went to supper and wrote up our own parenting plan, and I never asked him for a dime of child support. We split everythign 50/50. He gets paid far more than I do, but I know she's being well cared for. My sons dad I were together for 5 years. We were not married. I did go after him for child support. We had seperate banking accounts when we were together and I had no idea how much debt he was in. There were many aspects of us falling apart and that was a small factor. He was not responsible for many reasons and I feared that unless the money was being garnished that he wouldn't do anything to contribute in terms of medical expenses or costs of anything school related. I asked for the minimum and when the judge ordered $400/ month I asked for that to be reduced. I wasn't out for his money to support me, I was wanting to make sure my son had an emergency fund if need. Turns out he isn't supporting anyway since he decided to move out of the country. At the time we split, I was a stay at home mom so I didn't have a job. Your argument that if somone can't support the kid they shouldn't have custody is also a little skewed. I still struggle a little, but I am doing just fine without his dad's help. I'm not being supported by the state and I have had my job since a month after the split. I work hard to make sure I can support my kids.

Again, I understand your frustrations, but this is not all the states fault, or all the mother's faults. The good dads need to hold the not so good ones accountable for being better than dead beats and then maybe the laws will change.

djeffreys10

I am. I am one of the lucky few dads that did not get screwed over by the system. Simply because I was lucky enough to be able to get my ex wife convicted of a couple serious crimes. But a system that is set up to screw me over makes me quite bitter. And those like your friend who game the system...well, I won't mention what they actually deserve.

My daughter's father did not pay a dime in child support the first EIGHT years of her life because the state "couldn't find him" to serve him with papers. Then he got out of arrears for the first two years of her life. THEN they didn't make him pay for a dime of child care or health costs and let him out of a couple thousand dollars of arrears when she turned 18 because it "wasn't an enforceable amount."

Meanwhile, I paid for everything, am making sure she gets an= education and he's going on vacation after vacation (Europe, Vegas and who knows where else?) while I couldn't afford a trip to Buffalo to see my dying grandmother.

But, yeah, men get screwed by the system and we mothers have it made. :flowerforyou:

Meanwhile, trash live off money meant for the child paid by the dad. Proving the dad is paying WAY too much. Yes, men get screwed by the system.

Frankly, it's none of dad's business where the money goes. It's his duty to do his part, which is financial contribution. This is precisely the reason I declined support from my ex, because she would critique every dime I spent - she can live with knowing how little she contributes. However, if I did receive support, I would use it in the interest of my kid and put the rest into a savings/trust. Kids aren't cheap. It's more than food and clothing.

Financial contribution TO HIS CHILDREN is his responsibility. If mom is living off that money, he has been ordered to pay too much. That is his business, as it is not his responsibility to support their mom. Only them.

So how are you going to make 100% certain that it is your money, unless you go into the bank account and meddle? You'll never be 100% certain, but you will look like a petty *kitten* eventually.

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I have seen you post a few times on the discuss of child support. While I agree with you on many points as far as the system being more pro mom, I can also say that in some cases dad's have not really held each other accountable as far as supporting their children either. While I do know mother's who do use child support more for themselves, this isn't the case for all mother's and unfortunatly the laws are looking at the easiest way around this, which is by charging a high amount to the non custodial parents based on pay. I know this isn't the most fair way of doing it, but for some it is. It's a toss up for sure.

I was married to my daughter's dad and he and I settled out of court. We went to supper and wrote up our own parenting plan, and I never asked him for a dime of child support. We split everythign 50/50. He gets paid far more than I do, but I know she's being well cared for. My sons dad I were together for 5 years. We were not married. I did go after him for child support. We had seperate banking accounts when we were together and I had no idea how much debt he was in. There were many aspects of us falling apart and that was a small factor. He was not responsible for many reasons and I feared that unless the money was being garnished that he wouldn't do anything to contribute in terms of medical expenses or costs of anything school related. I asked for the minimum and when the judge ordered $400/ month I asked for that to be reduced. I wasn't out for his money to support me, I was wanting to make sure my son had an emergency fund if need. Turns out he isn't supporting anyway since he decided to move out of the country. At the time we split, I was a stay at home mom so I didn't have a job. Your argument that if somone can't support the kid they shouldn't have custody is also a little skewed. I still struggle a little, but I am doing just fine without his dad's help. I'm not being supported by the state and I have had my job since a month after the split. I work hard to make sure I can support my kids.

Again, I understand your frustrations, but this is not all the states fault, or all the mother's faults. The good dads need to hold the not so good ones accountable for being better than dead beats and then maybe the laws will change.

Maybe you would have a lot less deadbeats if following the law wasn't the figurative equivalent of having the dad bend over and going in dry.