Single Moms, not worth dating? Do tell...

WeepingAngel81

I am. I am one of the lucky few dads that did not get screwed over by the system. Simply because I was lucky enough to be able to get my ex wife convicted of a couple serious crimes. But a system that is set up to screw me over makes me quite bitter. And those like your friend who game the system...well, I won't mention what they actually deserve.

My daughter's father did not pay a dime in child support the first EIGHT years of her life because the state "couldn't find him" to serve him with papers. Then he got out of arrears for the first two years of her life. THEN they didn't make him pay for a dime of child care or health costs and let him out of a couple thousand dollars of arrears when she turned 18 because it "wasn't an enforceable amount."

Meanwhile, I paid for everything, am making sure she gets an= education and he's going on vacation after vacation (Europe, Vegas and who knows where else?) while I couldn't afford a trip to Buffalo to see my dying grandmother.

But, yeah, men get screwed by the system and we mothers have it made. :flowerforyou:

Meanwhile, trash live off money meant for the child paid by the dad. Proving the dad is paying WAY too much. Yes, men get screwed by the system.

Frankly, it's none of dad's business where the money goes. It's his duty to do his part, which is financial contribution. This is precisely the reason I declined support from my ex, because she would critique every dime I spent - she can live with knowing how little she contributes. However, if I did receive support, I would use it in the interest of my kid and put the rest into a savings/trust. Kids aren't cheap. It's more than food and clothing.

Financial contribution TO HIS CHILDREN is his responsibility. If mom is living off that money, he has been ordered to pay too much. That is his business, as it is not his responsibility to support their mom. Only them.

So how are you going to make 100% certain that it is your money, unless you go into the bank account and meddle? You'll never be 100% certain, but you will look like a petty *kitten* eventually.

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

I have seen you post a few times on the discuss of child support. While I agree with you on many points as far as the system being more pro mom, I can also say that in some cases dad's have not really held each other accountable as far as supporting their children either. While I do know mother's who do use child support more for themselves, this isn't the case for all mother's and unfortunatly the laws are looking at the easiest way around this, which is by charging a high amount to the non custodial parents based on pay. I know this isn't the most fair way of doing it, but for some it is. It's a toss up for sure.

I was married to my daughter's dad and he and I settled out of court. We went to supper and wrote up our own parenting plan, and I never asked him for a dime of child support. We split everythign 50/50. He gets paid far more than I do, but I know she's being well cared for. My sons dad I were together for 5 years. We were not married. I did go after him for child support. We had seperate banking accounts when we were together and I had no idea how much debt he was in. There were many aspects of us falling apart and that was a small factor. He was not responsible for many reasons and I feared that unless the money was being garnished that he wouldn't do anything to contribute in terms of medical expenses or costs of anything school related. I asked for the minimum and when the judge ordered $400/ month I asked for that to be reduced. I wasn't out for his money to support me, I was wanting to make sure my son had an emergency fund if need. Turns out he isn't supporting anyway since he decided to move out of the country. At the time we split, I was a stay at home mom so I didn't have a job. Your argument that if somone can't support the kid they shouldn't have custody is also a little skewed. I still struggle a little, but I am doing just fine without his dad's help. I'm not being supported by the state and I have had my job since a month after the split. I work hard to make sure I can support my kids.

Again, I understand your frustrations, but this is not all the states fault, or all the mother's faults. The good dads need to hold the not so good ones accountable for being better than dead beats and then maybe the laws will change.

Maybe you would have a lot less deadbeats if following the law wasn't the figurative equivalent of having the dad bend over and going in dry.

That sounds like an excuse to not fight to change the laws. As I mentioned. I agree with a lot of what you have said here and in the past. Rolling over and giving up seems to be the easier option than fighting. I was not the mom who was going to bleed anyone dry, I have seen this happen and it effects the relationship between child and father. That's not fair to either. However, using the law as an excuse to be a deadbeat isn't a good answer either.

AnaVerasGettingFit

"I detest drama, hence the reason I don't have too many female friends and never have."

I really dislike when women talk like this. You'd be surprised how much drama men can get into, as well. I think when women say these types of comments, it's more of an internal issue than anything else. Most likely been hurt too many times in the past and need to build that trust up again. Or maybe they just let society push them into that mentality. It really doesn't mean you're sooooo much cooler and level-headed than the majority of other women, sweetie. Be an ally to other women. Don't let society pit us against one another.

/rant

sillygoosie

djeffreys10- Pat on the back for raising your kids but we get it. You're bitter. Move on.

The_Enginerd

I don't like the idea of raising another man's babies. If I'm going to be raising kids, the kids better have been ones I created or adopted on a mutual decision within the confines of an established relationship, a phenomenon I think that is more likely to occur far later in life than where I am at today.

You gotta go in there like a lion taking over a pride and kill the previous young. That's how an alpha male gets it done.

dgraboski

Divored and remarried here.....during the single mom time frame I never had trouble dating. I actually met my husband 7 months after my ex and I split. We have been married almost 11 years and have had two more kids together since then. I will say there have been some guys that to say the least were not interested what so ever in being around my child. With that being said they did not last very long as I said see ya. My kids will and always have come first. It takes a special person to accept anothers child.

djeffreys10

djeffreys10- Pat on the back for raising your kids but we get it. You're bitter. Move on.

If you don't like what I say, you are free to put me on ignore. And as such, I will give your suggestion all the consideration it derserves. Which is precisely none.

sillygoosie

djeffreys10- Pat on the back for raising your kids but we get it. You're bitter. Move on.

If you don't like what I say, you are free to put me on ignore. And as such, I will give your suggestion all the consideration it derserves. Which is precisely none.

Fabulous idea. I forgot I had that option. :drinker:

asimmons221

"I detest drama, hence the reason I don't have too many female friends and never have."

I really dislike when women talk like this. You'd be surprised how much drama men can get into, as well. I think when women say these types of comments, it's more of an internal issue than anything else. Most likely been hurt too many times in the past and need to build that trust up again. Or maybe they just let society push them into that mentality. It really doesn't mean you're sooooo much cooler and level-headed than the majority of other women, sweetie. Be an ally to other women. Don't let society pit us against one another.

/rant

All the woman that I know that have no woman friends are usually the ones with the issues. They always usually hate every woman in the room off the bat.

SonicDeathMonkey80

I am. I am one of the lucky few dads that did not get screwed over by the system. Simply because I was lucky enough to be able to get my ex wife convicted of a couple serious crimes. But a system that is set up to screw me over makes me quite bitter. And those like your friend who game the system...well, I won't mention what they actually deserve.

My daughter's father did not pay a dime in child support the first EIGHT years of her life because the state "couldn't find him" to serve him with papers. Then he got out of arrears for the first two years of her life. THEN they didn't make him pay for a dime of child care or health costs and let him out of a couple thousand dollars of arrears when she turned 18 because it "wasn't an enforceable amount."

Meanwhile, I paid for everything, am making sure she gets an= education and he's going on vacation after vacation (Europe, Vegas and who knows where else?) while I couldn't afford a trip to Buffalo to see my dying grandmother.

But, yeah, men get screwed by the system and we mothers have it made. :flowerforyou:

Meanwhile, trash live off money meant for the child paid by the dad. Proving the dad is paying WAY too much. Yes, men get screwed by the system.

Frankly, it's none of dad's business where the money goes. It's his duty to do his part, which is financial contribution. This is precisely the reason I declined support from my ex, because she would critique every dime I spent - she can live with knowing how little she contributes. However, if I did receive support, I would use it in the interest of my kid and put the rest into a savings/trust. Kids aren't cheap. It's more than food and clothing.

Financial contribution TO HIS CHILDREN is his responsibility. If mom is living off that money, he has been ordered to pay too much. That is his business, as it is not his responsibility to support their mom. Only them.

So how are you going to make 100% certain that it is your money, unless you go into the bank account and meddle? You'll never be 100% certain, but you will look like a petty *kitten* eventually.

Given current child support laws, if a man makes decent money he is pretty much always paying more than the actual cost of raising the kids. And as such, the laws should be changed.

It's more than that. The other parent should of course up the quality of life for the child (nicer home, school district, day care, etc), and also have more to sock away for the future.Should that parent hoard their "opportunity" and pay that bare minimum to give their child only the basics and nothing more?

Give me a good reason why the child should not benefit from a parent who makes a considerable amount of money - and don't say "because the other parent will mismanage it," because it's not about *you* being satisfied.

TamTastic

Ehhhh it is what it is. If people judge or say rude things then I don't want that person in our lives anyway.

I'm hard-working and take care of myself. I don't need a meal ticket. Just an awesome companion who wants to be a part of this package deal and make it something amazing without over-thinking or stressing or making it harder. :flowerforyou:

kellenas

"I detest drama, hence the reason I don't have too many female friends and never have."

I really dislike when women talk like this. You'd be surprised how much drama men can get into, as well. I think when women say these types of comments, it's more of an internal issue than anything else. Most likely been hurt too many times in the past and need to build that trust up again. Or maybe they just let society push them into that mentality. It really doesn't mean you're sooooo much cooler and level-headed than the majority of other women, sweetie. Be an ally to other women. Don't let society pit us against one another.

/rant

Well, "sweetie," I've been hurt by men way more than I've been hurt by women. Perhaps MY experience with women is different than yours. Don't get all upset by something I feel. Society has nothing to do with why I feel the way I do. I'm to the point and I don't play games. The women that I get along with best are the ones that can tell me how they feel and I can tell them how I feel and then we're over it. No grudges held, no whispering behind each other's back about the other one. That's the way I like for it to be with the women that I'm friends with. In MY experience, I've known a lot of women who play head games with men and are catty with other women and that bothers me.

I'm not upset with you because you dislike my statement. I call things as I see them. I just expect everyone else to be the same.

kellenas

"I detest drama, hence the reason I don't have too many female friends and never have."

I really dislike when women talk like this. You'd be surprised how much drama men can get into, as well. I think when women say these types of comments, it's more of an internal issue than anything else. Most likely been hurt too many times in the past and need to build that trust up again. Or maybe they just let society push them into that mentality. It really doesn't mean you're sooooo much cooler and level-headed than the majority of other women, sweetie. Be an ally to other women. Don't let society pit us against one another.

/rant

All the woman that I know that have no woman friends are usually the ones with the issues. They always usually hate every woman in the room off the bat.

I don't hate every woman :laugh: I also have women friends, just very few. Of course I have issues. I'm human. Everyone has issues of some kind

Myhaloslipped

"I detest drama, hence the reason I don't have too many female friends and never have."

I really dislike when women talk like this. You'd be surprised how much drama men can get into, as well. I think when women say these types of comments, it's more of an internal issue than anything else. Most likely been hurt too many times in the past and need to build that trust up again. Or maybe they just let society push them into that mentality. It really doesn't mean you're sooooo much cooler and level-headed than the majority of other women, sweetie. Be an ally to other women. Don't let society pit us against one another.

/rant

All the woman that I know that have no woman friends are usually the ones with the issues. They always usually hate every woman in the room off the bat.

Not true! I love all b*****s! Lol, kidding. I get along with women just fine, but I do find guys a little easier to be comfortable around initially when it's someone I don't know that well. :laugh:

djeffreys10

It's more than that. The other parent should of course up the quality of life for the child (nicer home, school district, day care, etc), and also have more to sock away for the future.Should that parent hoard their "opportunity" and pay that bare minimum to give their child only the basics and nothing more?

Give me a good reason why the child should not benefit from a parent who makes a considerable amount of money - and don't say "because the other parent will mismanage it," because it's not about *you* being satisfied.

It should be at the parents descretion how much the children benefit from their "considerable" income. Just as it is when both parents are married. I live in a rather poor part of the country. And despite the fact that I earn probably four times the average pay for my area (and honestly, I doubt that average pay is THAT high, so it is probably more than four times), you wouldn't know by looking at my kids or it. We live in a very modest house (about 1400 sq ft 3 br), I drive a very modest vehicle (3 year old ford focus), we wear very modest clothing (i.e. no name brands). They do not get spoiled by me buying them tons of junk. They really only get new toys and such for their birthday and Christmas.

My kids needs are met. They do have extras. But nothing overboard, and nothing matching what you would assume based on my salary. That is my choice, as I feel it is the best way to raise kids. And it works. I can't count the number of times I have had people comment to me about how well behaved and polite my kids are. They are not spoiled, like they would be if I spend the amount on them that the child support laws assume I would. There is no law dictating what standard of living I will provide them while I am raising them. Yet, if my ex wife were raising them, the law would dictate that because I make so much money, I am required to spend a certain amount on them, that goes WAY above and beyond what it actually costs to raise them. If I were not raising them, I should be required to pay 1/2 the cost of meeting their needs in this local. But anything above and beyond, i.e. lifestyle costs, should be at my descretion. The same as it is while they live with me.

And also, because there is nothing requiring that money to go to the children in the first place. Which has nothing to do with *me* being satisfied. While I would be required to pay a crap ton, there is NO law that would require her to do any more than meet their needs. So I would be required to pay enough for her to do more, but she would not be required to do more. And as such, could pocket the extra money.

summertime_girl

Is it safe to assume that your kids would have had the same standard of living had you been with their mother or not? They would have still be raised with the same lifestyle, home, toys, etc?

My gripe is more the expectation that kids should have to be lowered in their standard of living due to a divorce. That doesn't seem fair to them. My kids had a huge shock when their dad walked out. Should it have been compounded by making them move to an apartment, or changing schools, wearing different clothes, or having to stop playing the sports they do?

djeffreys10

Is it safe to assume that your kids would have had the same standard of living had you been with their mother or not? They would have still be raised with the same lifestyle, home, toys, etc?

My gripe is more the expectation that kids should have to be lowered in their standard of living due to a divorce. That doesn't seem fair to them. My kids had a huge shock when their dad walked out. Should it have been compounded by making them move to an apartment, or changing schools, wearing different clothes, or having to stop playing the sports they do?

No, it is not. My ex wife loved to spoil the kids. And herself. She kept me broke buying crap for herself and the kids. The kids litterally had clothes they never wore before they outgrew them, becaues they had so many clothes. They had multiples of several toys, because they were never told no by her. And they had so much, they forgot what they had. So they would ask for something while out with her, she would buy it, only to later find out that they now had more than one of that item.

We lived in the same house, because that was all I could afford. Not due to my salary, but due to her spending. And we both drove really old cars, hers with over 150k miles and mine with over 250k, for the same reason (not that the really impact the kids standard of living). But it is definitly not the same standard of living for them, even if it is in the same house.

QuietBloom

The system isn't rigged to screw you over. I've had numerous guys ask me how they could get custody, but they screw it up every single time. First step is to not leave the family home and/or let mom walk all over you, no matter how "society" says custody/divorce/breakups are supposed to work. Not buying it, sorry.

And alimony can be legit - say you married someone who didn't speak English, or has a disability. Grow up.

The first thing any divorce attorney that is not blowing smoke up your *kitten* will tell you is that, as a man, it is an uphill climb. Family court is biased towards a woman. You can argue against that, but you will be wrong. Period. And the child support system is set up in such a way that a man earning any kind of decent money will be paying TONS more than what the kids cost in child support. That is a fact. Again, you can argue it. But you will be wrong. I know how much I WOULD be paying in child support. And, given that I am raising my kids (without recievin child support, mind you), I know how much they cost. And the two amounts are not even close.

And there are plenty of people who do not speak English, or who has a disability, that I am not reponsible for financially supporting. If I were once married to them, that shouldn't change it. When my marriage to a person ends, any and all responsibility I have towards that person should end. In my case, it did. That is one scenario that my state gets correct, even if it is just as screwed up as the rest concerning child support.

No, it isn't rigged to screw you over. I had to my ex to court because while I had primary custody, he suddenly decided one day that I shouldn't, and took my daughter, stipulating that I could see her Wednesdays and every other weekend. Police were called out once, but it was very traumatic for my daughter. Got a lawyer, lawyer said 'Go ahead and let him act like an idiot, you will get her back.' Court delays and 1.5 years later, I did not. Because I was a single mother who had moved around a lot (bad economy, and he had remarried and step mom could stay home with her. Court decided she was better off with him after all.) It stung, especially since I had moved us out to Cali so she could be near her dad, and he nabbed her during the upheaval of moving and my finding work out here. Plus the word 'custody' is never mentioned in Colorado parenting laws, so that's how he managed to take her and keep her during the year and half while we wrangled in court.

SO - no, the courts are not 'rigged' in Mom's favor in my experience. In fact, the pendulum might be swinging the other way.

QuietBloom

I am more concerned about men who want to date single moms with kids in the home…. Not the other way around.

I have experienced many divorces, none of which were mine. Since I knew how difficult the step family situation can be I purposely avoided dating men with children.

Single parents really should put their kids first and sometimes that means setting aside your needs for awhile to focus on raising your kids who are at a disadvantage.

The longer I walk this earth the clearer it becomes that staying married has the biggest impact on our lives; more than anything else.

Dr. Laura? Is that you?

I agree with PP.

summertime_girl

Is it safe to assume that your kids would have had the same standard of living had you been with their mother or not? They would have still be raised with the same lifestyle, home, toys, etc?

My gripe is more the expectation that kids should have to be lowered in their standard of living due to a divorce. That doesn't seem fair to them. My kids had a huge shock when their dad walked out. Should it have been compounded by making them move to an apartment, or changing schools, wearing different clothes, or having to stop playing the sports they do?

No, it is not. My ex wife loved to spoil the kids. And herself. She kept me broke buying crap for herself and the kids. The kids litterally had clothes they never wore before they outgrew them, becaues they had so many clothes. They had multiples of several toys, because they were never told no by her. And they had so much, they forgot what they had. So they would ask for something while out with her, she would buy it, only to later find out that they now had more than one of that item.

We lived in the same house, because that was all I could afford. Not due to my salary, but due to her spending. And we both drove really old cars, hers with over 150k miles and mine with over 250k, for the same reason (not that the really impact the kids standard of living). But it is definitly not the same standard of living for them, even if it is in the same house.

It's obvious you're a good dad. And it sounds like you're the only parent your kiddos have. Being a full time single parent is tough, and you've got my understanding there. Not every mom is out to screw over the father though. I just want what's best for my kids. Sounds like that's what you want too, we just have differing opinions on what best is.

djeffreys10

Is it safe to assume that your kids would have had the same standard of living had you been with their mother or not? They would have still be raised with the same lifestyle, home, toys, etc?

My gripe is more the expectation that kids should have to be lowered in their standard of living due to a divorce. That doesn't seem fair to them. My kids had a huge shock when their dad walked out. Should it have been compounded by making them move to an apartment, or changing schools, wearing different clothes, or having to stop playing the sports they do?

No, it is not. My ex wife loved to spoil the kids. And herself. She kept me broke buying crap for herself and the kids. The kids litterally had clothes they never wore before they outgrew them, becaues they had so many clothes. They had multiples of several toys, because they were never told no by her. And they had so much, they forgot what they had. So they would ask for something while out with her, she would buy it, only to later find out that they now had more than one of that item.

We lived in the same house, because that was all I could afford. Not due to my salary, but due to her spending. And we both drove really old cars, hers with over 150k miles and mine with over 250k, for the same reason (not that the really impact the kids standard of living). But it is definitly not the same standard of living for them, even if it is in the same house.

It's obvious you're a good dad. And it sounds like you're the only parent your kiddos have. Being a full time single parent is tough, and you've got my understanding there. Not every mom is out to screw over the father though. I just want what's best for my kids. Sounds like that's what you want too, we just have differing opinions on what best is.

I never claimed every mom is out to. Just that the system is set up in such a way to do so. When ANY woman is able to live off her children's child support, that is a broken system.