What's the purpose of marriage?

aschroeder2749

Well, it means a lot of things to different people - so it's hard for me to answer your question "factually", like you seem to want. But my personal thoughts: It's absolutely more difficult to leave a marriage than to leave a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's absolutely not an easy out. It's a huge leap of faith and public declaration you can make. If you don't trust someone not to take off with your possessions if the marriage fell through in a short time, you shouldn't be with them period. And if you DO trust them and things go south after 15 years of marriage, perhaps that partner contributed to half the marriage as well, and as such, deserves to walk away with some of what they contributed? How many times do we see people in court who aren't married bickering over possessions after the relationship falls through anyway? You aren't avoiding a fight by not getting married. And there's always prenups, if you're really concerned.

I guess for the same reasons people say "why get married", I'd say "Why not, if you KNOW this is the person you want to spend your life with?" And that's EXACTLY why you won't find an answer you find acceptable in people's opinions here. You've already made up your mind. And it's perfectly ok to never want to get married. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

19TaraLynn84

I am the product of a healthy, loving marriage. My parents have been married for 38 years. My older sisters have been married for 10+ years, and my husband and I have been married for 9. I never even questioned why I should get married. I wasn't looking for advantages. I found a man I knew I couldn't live without. He obviously felt the same way. We got married. I've never looked back. Obviously there are advantages. But only when both people are working together. It's a give and take relationship. As long as one person isn't doing more taking than giving, I can't see any reason why marriage can't be the best choice a person could make.

aschroeder2749

I look at my parents, who have been married 35 years. It's a true marriage, and it's a happy one. Those examples really burn people who are anti-marriage. But no matter what they say, I've seen what a beautiful thing they have. And I've also seen some horrible divorces. Failures don't make the good marriages any less...real or good.

The_Aly_Wei

It is different for every person. Like everything else associated with personal value and sustained happiness, it stems from a mindset.

If you cant define it positively for yourself dont get married:)

Marcia315

For the life of me, I can't find any advantages of being married. I understand the religious aspect of it (even though I'm about as non-religious as they come), but that doesn't outweigh the cons.

My good friend recently got divorced from his wife of 4 years and he had to pay alimony. He agreed to pays $2,000/month for 1 year. Thankfully, they had no kids together. It always seems that a well educated man (or woman) who makes a decent amount of money always has a lot to lose if the marriage goes south.

So what's the real purpose of being married? Before the age of modern religion, men and women existed in harmony for tens of thousands of years. Can someone red pill me on the advantages, besides joint filing on your taxes?

And where did this silly idea of buying a woman a diamond ring ever come from?

Spouses have inheritance rights, social security benefits, and real property rights (ability to hold property as tenants in common so a partition action is not possible). Those benefits are not available to a domestic partner.

The ring thing goes back to when women were property. but they're sparkly and pretty, so I like them.

Athena53

"By the authority vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I pronounce you…" is a phrase still used in many weddings across the state, though it’s no longer required. Nevertheless, Peter Gomes points out, "I am allowed to marry people not because I am a minister, but because I am an officer of the state. It is the state that regulates marriage and permits the clergy to do it. The fundamental definition of marriage in this country is as a civil institution, and that point can’t be made too often." As professor of law Janet Halley frequently reminds her family-law students, in the words of the Supreme Court landmark marriage case of 1888, Maynard v. Hill, "There are, in effect, three parties to every marriage: the man, the woman, and the state."

Wow, is that ever true. (And Peter Gomes is a well-respected theologian from my denomination.) DH asked our priest that if he had to say that stuff about "by the power vested in me.." could he please mutter them softly while facing the wall!

We're religious and would love to have been able to marry in the church without the entanglements the state attaches to marriage. Last year we paid $7,000 on DH's Social Security because of my income. A lot of perks DH could get because he's 75 and has only SS plus some minimal freelance business income aren't available to him because we're married. I could collect SS on my late ex-husband's record (we were married over 10 years) but can't because I remarried. In my first marriage, a local hospital tried to attach my wages because of unpaid medical expenses of my then-husband. My attorney was able to fight them off only because we were in the process of divorcing and they were going to get paid out of his share of the equity in the house (and they did get paid). If DH had to enter a nursing home (and he's 15 year older) and Medicaid were to pay for it, I'd get to keep less than 5% of our assets for my own retirement. Fortunately, we've saved enough that we can fund our own nursing home care but that's not typical.

When my widowed grandfather remarried, he asked the priest if he could marry them and not report it to the state so that his new wife would continue to collect her late husband's SS. The priest said he could lose his license to marry in the state if he did that. You can argue that many of the nasty implications (taxes on SS income, not being eligible for senior tax breaks, losing the widow's portion of SS) are in place because marriage to a high-earning partner changes your financial situation, but the truth is still that living with that partner without marriage allows you to keep/claim those benefits.

We honestly did want the commitment of marriage. Neither of us wanted the burdens the state attaches to it.

19TaraLynn84

And, OP, my husband never bought me a diamond ring. The first ring he put on my finger was a plain gold wedding band. The diamond ring is nice, I guess, but I kinda see it as a waste of money. That's strictly my opinion, though. Please, no one jump down my throat over it!

19TaraLynn84

I look at my parents, who have been married 35 years. It's a true marriage, and it's a happy one. Those examples really burn people who are anti-marriage. But no matter what they say, I've seen what a beautiful thing they have. And I've also seen some horrible divorces. Failures don't make the good marriages any less...real or good.

Yes!! Thank you!

DMZ_1

This is a deep and thoughtful topic, and I'm not sure that a simple post here will do it justice.

There seems to be an incongruity between late 20th Century/early 21st Century secular society and the institution of marriage. The high divorce rate is a big problem. I believe that divorce is a traumatic, soul crushing experience that should be avoided at all costs. It creates a lot of new problems. Divorces are rarely favorable to men. I'd say that there's more benefit in a divorce for women, but even women suffer consequences in a divorce. I think a big problem with marriage is that people are entering into it for the wrong reasons, as well as people not taking their vows seriously and working every single day to build a relationship that is meaningful on a multitude of levels.

In short, I don't think marriage is the problem. Individually and collectively, I believe we are the problem.

In essence, I believe marriage is supposed to bring some stability, and I think it can, but it's not automatic as I think it once was.

Athena53

And, OP, my husband never bought me a diamond ring. The first ring he put on my finger was a plain gold wedding band. The diamond ring is nice, I guess, but I kinda see it as a waste of money. That's strictly my opinion, though. Please, no one jump down my throat over it!

No jumping here, and I love jewelry! The center stone in my ring is a pink topaz. A diamond of similar size would have cost about $12,000 at the time and DH was making about $60K/year. If I'd wanted a decent-sized diamond I would have happily forked over some of my own money rather than insisting DH go into debt to prove his love for me, but decided to get out of the "how big is your engagement diamond" rat race completely. I've met plenty of women who just aren't into jewelry and can't see committing a chunk of money that big to something that doesn't excite them very much. Makes sense to me.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

Sorry, but I have to say if you are asking these questions you are not with or met the right person yet.

Maybe you're right. I haven't found someone I like more than half of all my possessions!

you and that other guy that always posts on all of your misogynistic threads seem to hit it off ... perhaps you should pursue a relationship with him. i'm guessing you share more than just a mutual contempt for women.

DamePiglet

For the life of me, I can't find any advantages of being married. I understand the religious aspect of it (even though I'm about as non-religious as they come), but that doesn't outweigh the cons.

My good friend recently got divorced from his wife of 4 years and he had to pay alimony. He agreed to pays $2,000/month for 1 year. Thankfully, they had no kids together. It always seems that a well educated man (or woman) who makes a decent amount of money always has a lot to lose if the marriage goes south.

So what's the real purpose of being married? Before the age of modern religion, men and women existed in harmony for tens of thousands of years. Can someone red pill me on the advantages, besides joint filing on your taxes?

And where did this silly idea of buying a woman a diamond ring ever come from?

Spouses have inheritance rights, social security benefits, and real property rights (ability to hold property as tenants in common so a partition action is not possible). Those benefits are not available to a domestic partner.

This.

All of the smart people I know who have been in domestic partnerships for long periods have drawn up legal papers that essentially grant them the same rights that marriage would have granted them.
Some laws/ benefits are also dependent on where you live.

Frankly, anyone who has to ask this question has clearly either not reached the maturity level or lacks the life experience to form an opinion one way or another about marriage.

aschroeder2749

In short, I don't think marriage is the problem. Individually and collectively, I believe we are the problem.

In essence, I believe marriage is supposed to bring some stability, and I think it can, but it's not automatic as I think it once was.

Totally agree. Also, part of what's so crushing financially when marriages fall through is the RIDICULOUS amount of money spent on weddings. My husband I went to Hocking Hills and had a beautiful ceremony, just the two of us, in one of the caves. Then we honeymooned for the week there. I think it cost $1000 for the whole thing. Then you see people spending upwards of $20,000+ dollars and starting their marriages out in a ton of debt. I also think that people often live beyond their means financially, and then cannot support themselves or their debt if a marriage were to end.

When we bought our house, I first questioned why my husband bought such a modest one compared to his peers in the industry he works in. It wasn't that I needed more, I was just curious. He explained to me that should he pass away (he's a lineman for Edison - very dangerous job), that he wanted me to be able to keep up the house payments and keep up our lifestyle on my OWN income. It made total sense and seems very wise to me. Whether my husband were to pass away or if a divorce were to happen, neither of us would be financially crushed. Child support would be paid either way - whether we ever married or didn't (though we'd probably do a joint custody situation in which case there likely wouldn't be support).

vjohn04

you're such a waste of space, OP.

CharityGC

Marriage isn't for anyone. Neither is having kids. Or going to college. Or a long list of other things that some people think everyone should do. Seems that if you aren't in a serious relationship at this point, but you are already concerned about divorce, then marriage shouldn't be on your plate at any time.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

For the life of me, I can't find any advantages of being married. I understand the religious aspect of it (even though I'm about as non-religious as they come), but that doesn't outweigh the cons.

My good friend recently got divorced from his wife of 4 years and he had to pay alimony. He agreed to pays $2,000/month for 1 year. Thankfully, they had no kids together. It always seems that a well educated man (or woman) who makes a decent amount of money always has a lot to lose if the marriage goes south.

So what's the real purpose of being married? Before the age of modern religion, men and women existed in harmony for tens of thousands of years. Can someone red pill me on the advantages, besides joint filing on your taxes?

And where did this silly idea of buying a woman a diamond ring ever come from?

Spouses have inheritance rights, social security benefits, and real property rights (ability to hold property as tenants in common so a partition action is not possible). Those benefits are not available to a domestic partner.

The ring thing goes back to when women were property. but they're sparkly and pretty, so I like them.

This, plus my husband is Navy so I can't even live with him unless we're married.

hbrittingham

I've been married twice. The first time I was 18 years old and really had no idea what I was getting into. We were married for 4 years and the divorce was easy because we didn't have any real marital property. I didn't even like him after the first year, much less love him.

The second time I was 26 years old and had lived with my husband to be for 18 months before we married. The biggest difference was that he and I were and are best friends. We've been together for 23 years, married for 21. It hasn't always been easy, but we've made it through the tough times even stronger and more in love than we were before we hit those hard times. I love having someone to share even the most mundane passing thoughts with. Someone to go to the grocery store with. Someone to snuggle on the couch with to watch TV. We enjoy each other's company because we ARE best friends.

just_Jennie1

My husband had been there done that and was a bit gun shy to get married again. We were together for 6 years before he proposed and it was another 3 or 4 years before we got married. If you ask ME why we got married it was because I love him. Ask HIM and he'll tell you it was for tax purposes :laugh: (which really it wasn't because there is no benefit to us being married when it comes to taxes). Although I will say that part of the reason we got married was because if something happened to either one of us legally it is easier for the estate and all that if we're married. If we weren't then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I also signed a prenup and I knew before he even asked that he would want me to sign one and I had (and have) zero problem with it. I didn't get married in a church either so to say that religion plays a big role in it isn't necessarily true.

Honestly though like someone else said if you are asking then you haven't met the right person. My husband is my best friend. We get along extremely well and there is no one else that I would rather spend my time with. We never have had a fight in the 16 years we've been together. EVER. We disagree, we have our own opinions but that's what is so great about it and why we don't argue: Because we're our own person and we respect each others opinions and we are mature enough to say "Okay. That's cool," and that's the end of it. IMO arguing is NOT a part of marriage but the result of a serious lack of communication. We communicate with each other so there's nothing that grows and festers between us and then ultimately explodes into a screaming, name calling, hurt match.

murphy612

"Spousal privilege" He doesn't have to testify against me in court

wolfsbayne

Can someone red pill me on the advantages, besides joint filing on your taxes?

And where did this silly idea of buying a woman a diamond ring ever come from?

1. My husband and I are together because we want to be. We went for the piece of paper specifically for tax/insurance purposes.

2. IDK...Our wedding rings are silver with semi-precious gemstones: tiger's eye for strength, and malachite for prosperity.

My engagement ring is silver with a white topaz. I love it. It cost about 50 bucks. I'm a non traditional kind of gal, anyway. I'm marrying him because he is the first man that I've wanted to make it work with, no matter what.