Touchy subject.......Regarding Physical Attraction

krawhitham

My ex-partner (of 6 years) and I split up because I lost ~35kg and he didn't find me attractive anymore.

EDIT: I now have a new boyfriend (4 years) who is a much better match for me so it all ended well :-)

I can kinda relate to this. I was obese, and my bf has always been encouraging me to exercise more, and so I have and have lost 13 lbs and I want to lose 37 more, but he's all "NOOOOO you'll lose your curves" and he LOVES my curves so... I guess we'll see where we are once I lose all the weight I want to lose.

I've dated an obese man and all his stuff worked great and the sex was great and I was very physically attracted to him, our personalities just didn't mesh. With current bf, he's skinny (he's a long distance runner) and I find him very sexy too... so I guess I don't really have a personal preference.

hilts1969

As a rule men are attracted to the physical so if a woman puts on weight he will find her less attractive, woman are also attracted to the physical and if a man puts on weight she will notice however if he wears a Rolex or drives a Ferrari he suddenly becomes Brad Pitt again

Just speaking for myself, money and status in the form of showy items has never been a factor in attraction. I find it perplexing how often I see men in mfp forums saying this.

I accept not every woman is the same thank god or else the wife would be long gone but if you are honest more woman will choose a relationship where the other half is wealthy than a man would, i see plenty of good looking woman with rich blokes who to be honest are arseholes to boot, the other way round happens a lot less, this is not a insult to all women, after all you could claim men choose women on looks are just as shallow although they have natural instincts on their side

Maybe more women are less picky about looks and more often allow a man to treat them badly, but you only notice it when you perceive that the man has money. Just another possibility.

Though I understand that you are not insulting all women (and I would also not insult all men). and of course all people have flaws and stuff, regardless of gender. No gender is perfect. None of us (men or women) should feel threatened as a person just because there are people of our gender that do "bad things" (for lack of a better phrase).

If you feel the need to defend your own sex no matter what fair enough, a raw nerve has been touched me thinks

What? You aren't so good with people. That is not what I was doing. I see people do that a lot on mfp, so was going out of my way to be clear on that, and clear that I would not do that to men. If you aren't interested in a conversation, that's cool. But, kind of odd to end it like that.

If you disagree with my first suggestion, just say so. I was open to a conversation.

Never seen an attractive woman with an ugly bad attitude bin man, he wins the lottery and suddenly he is attractive to certain women, as i said not all women but like many issues people feel the need to defend their own, if you posted a thread that said a lot of men are obsessed with looks i would have agreed rather than defend us blokes

I am a realist and don't feel the need to defend my sex

BinaryPulsar

As a rule men are attracted to the physical so if a woman puts on weight he will find her less attractive, woman are also attracted to the physical and if a man puts on weight she will notice however if he wears a Rolex or drives a Ferrari he suddenly becomes Brad Pitt again

Just speaking for myself, money and status in the form of showy items has never been a factor in attraction. I find it perplexing how often I see men in mfp forums saying this.

I accept not every woman is the same thank god or else the wife would be long gone but if you are honest more woman will choose a relationship where the other half is wealthy than a man would, i see plenty of good looking woman with rich blokes who to be honest are arseholes to boot, the other way round happens a lot less, this is not a insult to all women, after all you could claim men choose women on looks are just as shallow although they have natural instincts on their side

Maybe more women are less picky about looks and more often allow a man to treat them badly, but you only notice it when you perceive that the man has money. Just another possibility.

Though I understand that you are not insulting all women (and I would also not insult all men). and of course all people have flaws and stuff, regardless of gender. No gender is perfect. None of us (men or women) should feel threatened as a person just because there are people of our gender that do "bad things" (for lack of a better phrase).

If you feel the need to defend your own sex no matter what fair enough, a raw nerve has been touched me thinks

What? You aren't so good with people. That is not what I was doing. I see people do that a lot on mfp, so was going out of my way to be clear on that, and clear that I would not do that to men. If you aren't interested in a conversation, that's cool. But, kind of odd to end it like that.

If you disagree with my first suggestion, just say so. I was open to a conversation.

Never seen an attractive woman with an ugly bad attitude bin man, he wins the lottery and suddenly he is attractive to certain women, as i said not all women but like many issues people feel the need to defend their own, if you posted a thread that said a lot of men are obsessed with looks i would have agreed rather than defend us blokes

I am a realist and don't feel the need to defend my sex

There are plenty of women that are into money and gold digging.

I don't think men are obsessed with looks.

hilts1969

As a rule men are attracted to the physical so if a woman puts on weight he will find her less attractive, woman are also attracted to the physical and if a man puts on weight she will notice however if he wears a Rolex or drives a Ferrari he suddenly becomes Brad Pitt again

Just speaking for myself, money and status in the form of showy items has never been a factor in attraction. I find it perplexing how often I see men in mfp forums saying this.

I accept not every woman is the same thank god or else the wife would be long gone but if you are honest more woman will choose a relationship where the other half is wealthy than a man would, i see plenty of good looking woman with rich blokes who to be honest are arseholes to boot, the other way round happens a lot less, this is not a insult to all women, after all you could claim men choose women on looks are just as shallow although they have natural instincts on their side

Maybe more women are less picky about looks and more often allow a man to treat them badly, but you only notice it when you perceive that the man has money. Just another possibility.

Though I understand that you are not insulting all women (and I would also not insult all men). and of course all people have flaws and stuff, regardless of gender. No gender is perfect. None of us (men or women) should feel threatened as a person just because there are people of our gender that do "bad things" (for lack of a better phrase).

If you feel the need to defend your own sex no matter what fair enough, a raw nerve has been touched me thinks

What? You aren't so good with people. That is not what I was doing. I see people do that a lot on mfp, so was going out of my way to be clear on that, and clear that I would not do that to men. If you aren't interested in a conversation, that's cool. But, kind of odd to end it like that.

If you disagree with my first suggestion, just say so. I was open to a conversation.

Never seen an attractive woman with an ugly bad attitude bin man, he wins the lottery and suddenly he is attractive to certain women, as i said not all women but like many issues people feel the need to defend their own, if you posted a thread that said a lot of men are obsessed with looks i would have agreed rather than defend us blokes

I am a realist and don't feel the need to defend my sex

There are plenty of women that are into money and gold digging.

I don't think men are obsessed with looks.

You are struggling with the point i never said plenty weren't, hard work on here sometimes

BinaryPulsar

As a rule men are attracted to the physical so if a woman puts on weight he will find her less attractive, woman are also attracted to the physical and if a man puts on weight she will notice however if he wears a Rolex or drives a Ferrari he suddenly becomes Brad Pitt again

Just speaking for myself, money and status in the form of showy items has never been a factor in attraction. I find it perplexing how often I see men in mfp forums saying this.

I accept not every woman is the same thank god or else the wife would be long gone but if you are honest more woman will choose a relationship where the other half is wealthy than a man would, i see plenty of good looking woman with rich blokes who to be honest are arseholes to boot, the other way round happens a lot less, this is not a insult to all women, after all you could claim men choose women on looks are just as shallow although they have natural instincts on their side

Maybe more women are less picky about looks and more often allow a man to treat them badly, but you only notice it when you perceive that the man has money. Just another possibility.

Though I understand that you are not insulting all women (and I would also not insult all men). and of course all people have flaws and stuff, regardless of gender. No gender is perfect. None of us (men or women) should feel threatened as a person just because there are people of our gender that do "bad things" (for lack of a better phrase).

If you feel the need to defend your own sex no matter what fair enough, a raw nerve has been touched me thinks

What? You aren't so good with people. That is not what I was doing. I see people do that a lot on mfp, so was going out of my way to be clear on that, and clear that I would not do that to men. If you aren't interested in a conversation, that's cool. But, kind of odd to end it like that.

If you disagree with my first suggestion, just say so. I was open to a conversation.

Never seen an attractive woman with an ugly bad attitude bin man, he wins the lottery and suddenly he is attractive to certain women, as i said not all women but like many issues people feel the need to defend their own, if you posted a thread that said a lot of men are obsessed with looks i would have agreed rather than defend us blokes

I am a realist and don't feel the need to defend my sex

There are plenty of women that are into money and gold digging.

I don't think men are obsessed with looks.

You are struggling with the point i never said plenty weren't, hard work on here sometimes

Why are you trying to be in an argument. I don't want to hijack this thread. Enjoy your evening. I'm sorry for upsetting you.

hilts1969

As a rule men are attracted to the physical so if a woman puts on weight he will find her less attractive, woman are also attracted to the physical and if a man puts on weight she will notice however if he wears a Rolex or drives a Ferrari he suddenly becomes Brad Pitt again

Just speaking for myself, money and status in the form of showy items has never been a factor in attraction. I find it perplexing how often I see men in mfp forums saying this.

I accept not every woman is the same thank god or else the wife would be long gone but if you are honest more woman will choose a relationship where the other half is wealthy than a man would, i see plenty of good looking woman with rich blokes who to be honest are arseholes to boot, the other way round happens a lot less, this is not a insult to all women, after all you could claim men choose women on looks are just as shallow although they have natural instincts on their side

Maybe more women are less picky about looks and more often allow a man to treat them badly, but you only notice it when you perceive that the man has money. Just another possibility.

Though I understand that you are not insulting all women (and I would also not insult all men). and of course all people have flaws and stuff, regardless of gender. No gender is perfect. None of us (men or women) should feel threatened as a person just because there are people of our gender that do "bad things" (for lack of a better phrase).

If you feel the need to defend your own sex no matter what fair enough, a raw nerve has been touched me thinks

What? You aren't so good with people. That is not what I was doing. I see people do that a lot on mfp, so was going out of my way to be clear on that, and clear that I would not do that to men. If you aren't interested in a conversation, that's cool. But, kind of odd to end it like that.

If you disagree with my first suggestion, just say so. I was open to a conversation.

Never seen an attractive woman with an ugly bad attitude bin man, he wins the lottery and suddenly he is attractive to certain women, as i said not all women but like many issues people feel the need to defend their own, if you posted a thread that said a lot of men are obsessed with looks i would have agreed rather than defend us blokes

I am a realist and don't feel the need to defend my sex

There are plenty of women that are into money and gold digging.

I don't think men are obsessed with looks.

You are struggling with the point i never said plenty weren't, hard work on here sometimes

Why are you trying to be in an argument. I don't want to hijack this thread. Enjoy your evening. I'm sorry for upsetting you.

you haven't upset me no worries

emmanap91

It isn't a large amount of weight for us, but five years ago when we met we were both 18 years old. I was about 125-130ish lbs (I'm 5'3"), he was probably in the 150's (he's about 6 ft tall). My weight has gone up to about 130-135ish lbs due to birth control and probably just slowing metabolism. His weight has kind of shifted around a few times (he gained about 15-20lbs during freshman year through unhealthy eating) but it hovers around 165 now and I think it suits him perfectly. I do nag him about gaining weight, though, because 165 is rather low for his height.

I've realized over the years that his physical appearance is a fun aspect of him (I am proud of how attractive he is, I know others see it. He's a high school teacher now and his students say he looks like an H&M model haha). However, once I was truly, deeply in love with him and knew him for an extended period of time, his appearance became less and less significant to me.


*I still appreciate his lovely face, but I think the main reason I find him so lovely to look at isn't objective beauty, it's how much he means to me emotionally clouding my judgement.*

Last fall I went through a kind of unhealthy diet/exercise binge that resulted in me going from 130 lbs down to 115. When I gained it all back this past winter, I kept asking him if he found me less attractive at my heavier weight. He would always say no. When I kept pestering him, he said if anything he found me less attractive when I was thinner, not because I was thin, but because I wasn't fun to be around (I obsessed about calories to an unhealthy extent, I was miserable because I never allowed myself to cheat my diet or on the rare occasion that I did I felt guilty for a whole week afterward). In the end, it wasn't at all about my appearance, but my temporary personality change that made me less attractive to him.

Our relationship is still young (5 years), but I think physical appearance became far, far less important to us when we finally reached a point where we truly knew and loved each other.

Again, I know these aren't large weight changes, but they led to extremely significant epiphanies for me.

EDIT: grammar

Strokingdiction

My brother once confided in me that he didn't find his wife sexually attractive anymore. He'd never told her this and repeatedly told me that he still loved her after admitting this but her 280 pounds had finally become too much for his libido. She has since all of the weight she gained since they met and then some. So yes, I know it happens but the strength of the relationship determines exactly what effect it has on the couple.

mycupyourcake

Nothing is sexier than a man who does dishes.

not true

Nothing is sexier than a sexy man doing dishes shirtless. Meow!

StacyRenee77

When I started losing weight my partner at the time told me she was no longer attracted to me. It hurt. But she's gone now.

Here's the thing with physical attraction, yes it's important. But good luck making it last. No matter how hard we try, we all will get older. So if you're of the attitude that "unless I'm physically attracted to my partner I'm out" well.. I hope you have a thing for 60 years olds. We don't stay young forever. And it's nice to have a partner you love and care about enough to stick with and grow old together. Not just find someone you think is hot and have weekly weigh-ins until you move on to the next person.

Just how I choose to look at things. What's on the inside is so much more important.

I really like this and agree

_KitKat_

My brother once confided in me that he didn't find his wife sexually attractive anymore. He'd never told her this and repeatedly told me that he still loved her after admitting this but her 280 pounds had finally become too much for his libido. She has since all of the weight she gained since they met and then some. So yes, I know it happens but the strength of the relationship determines exactly what effect it has on the couple.

This^^^^ your brother is not at fault, but many would bash him for his feelings. If he could have broached the subject earlier with her, it may not have become so severe. I have always been told that you never tell someone they don't feel a certain way and you never tell them they are bad for how they feel. Feelings are complex and everyone has them. Partners my not like it but feelings must be respected. How you feel is also not a conscious decision, criticizing how someone feels will normally lead to them not sharing with you.


When my husband came home last night, I showed him this thread. He just said "please tell me point blank if anything ever is a turn-off to you, it would need fixed asap" I pretty much said "me too". We are a close couple and I do not want anything coming between us, if we deal with the issue early we as a team can solve it.

Aaron_K123

When I started losing weight my partner at the time told me she was no longer attracted to me. It hurt. But she's gone now.

Here's the thing with physical attraction, yes it's important. But good luck making it last. No matter how hard we try, we all will get older. So if you're of the attitude that "unless I'm physically attracted to my partner I'm out" well.. I hope you have a thing for 60 years olds. We don't stay young forever. And it's nice to have a partner you love and care about enough to stick with and grow old together. Not just find someone you think is hot and have weekly weigh-ins until you move on to the next person.

Just how I choose to look at things. What's on the inside is so much more important.

I really like this and agree

False dichotomy you can have both emotional and physical attraction. If your partner changes in such a way to detract from either it can harm the relationship. Although the idea that emotion trumps physicality is a nice romantic notion it is not a practical reality and a relationship in which you are not physically attracted to your partner may be tenable it is not a fully realized relationship which could of course be improved by tour partner becoming more physically attractive both to you and to themselves (improved self confidence).

Just because you value one above the other does not give you license to feel superior nor does it mean you can safely ignore the other side. Both are important for a fulfilled relationship.

thirteeninches

When I started losing weight my partner at the time told me she was no longer attracted to me. It hurt. But she's gone now.

Here's the thing with physical attraction, yes it's important. But good luck making it last. No matter how hard we try, we all will get older. So if you're of the attitude that "unless I'm physically attracted to my partner I'm out" well.. I hope you have a thing for 60 years olds. We don't stay young forever. And it's nice to have a partner you love and care about enough to stick with and grow old together. Not just find someone you think is hot and have weekly weigh-ins until you move on to the next person.

Just how I choose to look at things. What's on the inside is so much more important.

I really like this and agree

False dichotomy you can have both emotional and physical attraction. If your partner changes in such a way to detract from either it can harm the relationship. Although the idea that emotion trumps physicality is a nice romantic notion it is not a practical reality and a relationship in which you are not physically attracted to your partner may be tenable it is not a fully realized relationship which could of course be improved by tour partner becoming more physically attractive both to you and to themselves (improved self confidence).

Just because you value one above the other does not give you license to feel superior nor does it mean you can safely ignore the other side. Both are important for a fulfilled relationship.

It depends on the emotional strength of the relationship in question. Speaking personally, I was married to a multiply disabled man for 14 years. His disease ravaged his body, but I loved him just as much at the end as at the beginning. More even, I think, because I knew what I was losing. So yes, the emotional attachment we shared definitely trumped any lack of physical attraction and desire we suffered. But not all couples have that strong a relationship. My second marriage, my ex left me probably mostly based on my weight gain. but I knew from the beginning he was a mistake. I don't blame him anymore, and I wish he would have left me sooner, or I would have been strong enough to leave him when I knew what a jerk he actually was.

In the end, if it doesn't work out due to lack of physical attraction, both people are better off, and likely there were other problems in the relationship. imo

Left4Good

Personally i don't fall in love with someones looks, i fall in love with their personality. So unless if they gain weight or lose weight and their personality changes i would not care. And if i gained weight or lost weight and my partner stopped being attracted to me, i would stab him/her in the back and get a divorce in a split second because that means they only loved me for my looks. True love is emotional not physical. And people that love their partner just for looks is a complete worthless human being. Love someone for who they are and not what they look like.

Aaron_K123

Personally i don't fall in love with someones looks, i fall in love with their personality. So unless if they gain weight or lose weight and their personality changes i would not care. And if i gained weight or lost weight and my partner stopped being attracted to me, i would stab him/her in the back and get a divorce in a split second because that means they only loved me for my looks. True love is emotional not physical. And people that love their partner just for looks is a complete worthless human being. Love someone for who they are and not what they look like.

Again false dichotomy. It is not an either/or proposition. People who are physically attracted to their spouses are not by definition shallow people and of course if their spouse changes to a point where they are no longer physically attractive to their partner that will have an effect on the relationship. Again that isn't shameful its just the admission of the reality that any intimate relationship has or has the potential for physical attraction and that is a GOOD thing not a shameful thing.

You can be physically attracted to someone, its okay. I honestly don't get people who would brag about how their relationship lacks a physical component.

Left4Good

Personally i don't fall in love with someones looks, i fall in love with their personality. So unless if they gain weight or lose weight and their personality changes i would not care. And if i gained weight or lost weight and my partner stopped being attracted to me, i would stab him/her in the back and get a divorce in a split second because that means they only loved me for my looks. True love is emotional not physical. And people that love their partner just for looks is a complete worthless human being. Love someone for who they are and not what they look like.

Again false dichotomy. It is not an either/or proposition. People who are physically attracted to their spouses are not by definition shallow people and of course if their spouse changes to a point where they are no longer physically attractive to their partner that will have an effect on the relationship. Again that isn't shameful its just the admission of the reality that any int I mate relationship has or has the potential for physical attraction and that is a GOOD thing not a shameful thing.

You can be physically attracted to someone, its okay. I honestly don't get people who would brag about how their relationship lacks a physical component.

Everyone has their own opinion but if a relationship is just about sex or physical appearance is not love, it is lust.

Aaron_K123

Personally i don't fall in love with someones looks, i fall in love with their personality. So unless if they gain weight or lose weight and their personality changes i would not care. And if i gained weight or lost weight and my partner stopped being attracted to me, i would stab him/her in the back and get a divorce in a split second because that means they only loved me for my looks. True love is emotional not physical. And people that love their partner just for looks is a complete worthless human being. Love someone for who they are and not what they look like.

Again false dichotomy. It is not an either/or proposition. People who are physically attracted to their spouses are not by definition shallow people and of course if their spouse changes to a point where they are no longer physically attractive to their partner that will have an effect on the relationship. Again that isn't shameful its just the admission of the reality that any int I mate relationship has or has the potential for physical attraction and that is a GOOD thing not a shameful thing.

You can be physically attracted to someone, its okay. I honestly don't get people who would brag about how their relationship lacks a physical component.

Everyone has their own opinion but if a relationship is just about sex or physical appearance is not love, it is lust.

You realize you can have both right? That physical attraction on top of emotional connection adds rather than detracts and that having that but then losing it will hurt but the fact it hurts does not make you shallow or lustful.

Seriously you are acting like you either are in love or in lust which again is a false dichotomy.

I am sorry but the idea that a relationship built solely on a strong emotional connection that allows one to tolerate a lack of physical attraction is somehow a strong/better relationship to one where you have both strong emotional and physical attraction is bullsh@t. One does not somehow negate the other and yes if you have both then lose the physical attraction you will feel that negatively because you lost something you enhoyed. Never having it in the first place isn't better.

Noogynoogs

I think I like all looks except Quasimodos lol

ccf_trainer

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and everyone has something they're attracted to.

Aaron_K123

I am curious to those who consider physical attraction to be a negative in a relationship or a sign of weakness in a relationship where does that belief or feeling come from?