An open letter...
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Dear person who posted this...
Dear Mr. Really Freaking Amazing,
Please pick me. I'm going to go all Grey's Anatomy on you and give you the "Choose me, pick me, love me" speech pretty soon. Yes, I realize you've been with her for 2 1/2 years but if you could listen to yourself talk, you would realize how unhappy you sound. I think I'm pretty perfect for you and that you are for me. So grow a pair, and see what is GREAT right in front of you instead of what is familiar and safe!!!! I'll be waiting...
Love,
Falling for You Hard
Please find your own man. He is NOT that great. We have two kids and I have 8 freaking years invested in him. I am stick of seeing text messages from you. I am not going to let you break up our family, so stop trying. He might ***** about me, but he choose me for a reason. He does nothing around the house, and leaves cups full of sauce all over the house. REALLY?
On second thought, he is yours, take him. But I get our kids and 1/2 of all his money.
Cheers and best of luck,
Pissed off girlfriend of: I want to have my cake and to eat it 2 (she is just a friend)0 -
To my 120lb Great Dane, Mom really doesn't mind normally too much when you sneak into her bed at night. But when you start having dreams and running in your sleep and shaking the whole bed and keep her from sleeping when she is not sleeping well to begin with it is kind of bad.
To the flipping mail lady, I understand you have a large route and I understand you have to do your job but this one day at noon and then next at 5pm really really sucks when I am waiting for mail from a lying cheating dirtbag.
To said lying cheating dirtbag, I wish I could say i dont flipping care. But I do,
To the lady that the lying cheating dirtbag was cheating on me with, I wish I could hate you, but i can't you did none of this he did it. I am sorry you are hurting.0 -
Dear Road Dog,
We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid pictures that we recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use you as "Playgirl's Man of the Month Centerfold".
When rated by our panel of AAW (Average American Women) on a scale from 1 to 10, your body was rated minus 2. The AAW has determined by our scientific investigation is an unmarried or widowed female age 60 to 75 that has not been involved with sex five years or longer.
To further justify our rating, we submitted your photographs to a panel of women in the age bracket 25 to 35, but we couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to rate you.
Please be assured that should the taste of American women ever change so drastically that bodies of your stature are in demand for our centerfold, you will be notified. Meanwhile, don't call us, we'll call you.
Sincerely,
Editor Playgirl Magazine
P. S. Our staff and I wish to take this opportunity to express our deepest heartfelt sympathy to your female companions.0 -
Dear Hussy Who Feels She Could be a Better Mom/Girlfriend Than Me
First of all you're married...and you run a church camp. Second of all, you had your chance in highschool, but you decided you were holier than thou and he wasn't a christian. Now you inappropriatly proposition him at his sister's wedding, that I'M IN! I walked down the isle with him and OUR son, yet you wait until he's so drunk he doesn't know if he's on foot or horse back, to tell him you love him and that you are so much better that I am...right...morally? because your husband sure wasn't at the wedding...but you know what? if you want him that bad, good luck dealing with him. It takes a special person to deal with him, and his son is the EXACT same way. You will soon realize that he isn't the prince charming of your dreams, and there are things that p!ss you off about him...and you will soon realize the huge mistake you made in becoming a homewrecker. Meanwhile my bills just went down to almost nothing, i can cook what i want instead of hearing two men b!tch at me about my food choices, I can go to rock concerts without feeling guilty that he's home with the kid...and I bet you $100 he'll be having sleep overs in my apartment.:glasses:0 -
Dear Annoying Loud Guy At The Gym,
Please put that phone down. It's not necessary for you to make five or six phone calls while on the elliptical or treadmill. And if it is necessary, be respectful to the people on the other end of the line and go outside and give them your full attention.
If you're on the phone, you're not working out. Quit fooling yourself.
Signed,
Sick of hearing your conversations.0 -
Dear Road Dog,
We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid pictures that we recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use you as "Playgirl's Man of the Month Centerfold".
When rated by our panel of AAW (Average American Women) on a scale from 1 to 10, your body was rated minus 2. The AAW has determined by our scientific investigation is an unmarried or widowed female age 60 to 75 that has not been involved with sex five years or longer.
To further justify our rating, we submitted your photographs to a panel of women in the age bracket 25 to 35, but we couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to rate you.
Please be assured that should the taste of American women ever change so drastically that bodies of your stature are in demand for our centerfold, you will be notified. Meanwhile, don't call us, we'll call you.
Sincerely,
Editor Playgirl Magazine
P. S. Our staff and I wish to take this opportunity to express our deepest heartfelt sympathy to your female companions.
bwahahahahahahahahahaha....0 -
Dear Sweet Baby,
I hope you learn to speak whole sentences soon so you can tell me what you want instead of throwing yourself in the floor and screaming while I try to figure it out.
Love,
Mama
My son was like that until he was 4 he was speech delayed, it will come.0 -
Dear Sweet Husband,
I hate it that we are so far apart. I know you are worried that the kids will change or forget about you while you are overseas, but don't worry, that will never happen. I hope those that have their loved ones with them realize how lucky they are. I try not to think about your not being here when I go to bed at night, or I might never get up, and the world keeps turning surprisingly enough, and the kids gotta eat and the bills gotta get paid. I think about you all the time. Please, Please, Please be safe and know how much I love you.
Love,
Your Wife.0 -
Dear Lazy B*tch at Work,
We all see you take 20+ minute breaks which should be 15 minutes and it's no secret that you lunches take over an hour. You're not fooling anyone....Well, I guess you are. The one person who should notice is totally oblivious to your BS. BTW, I assigned you the report you were "working" on for 45 minutes before kicking it back into the pool and leaving for the day. And just so you know, you lazy assh*le, I will do everything in my power to make your life at work miserable. We are all sick of your crap.
Signed,
One of five people who can't stand you0 -
Dear Dog,
Yes, you are the cutest dog on the planet, but it does not mean I have to freeze my butt off while you sniff everything up and down the street while trying to find a good spot to take care of your "business". Please, in the future, choose quickly so that I can get to work on time. There will be an extra treat in your bowl if you do!! Regards
Your obedient Servant
that's so awesome! lol i love dogs, but i don't have one for this kind of reason! my cat can take care of her own business w/out me freezing my tookus off... although i do have some to spare.. hey you might be onto something here! :P0 -
Dear wii fit board,
I have no idea why you detest me so much. Seriously, I'm not killing you. when i step on you to get my weight, do you have to say "Ohhh" like i've done something wrong??? lol i mean, i'm working out with you daily, might want to be a little more supportive :P
Love,
the feet who step on you daily0 -
Dear Dog,
Yes, you are the cutest dog on the planet, but it does not mean I have to freeze my butt off while you sniff everything up and down the street while trying to find a good spot to take care of your "business". Please, in the future, choose quickly so that I can get to work on time. There will be an extra treat in your bowl if you do!! Regards
Your obedient Servant
Bahahahaha!!! Mine too! :laugh:0 -
Dear wii fit board,
I have no idea why you detest me so much. Seriously, I'm not killing you. when i step on you to get my weight, do you have to say "Ohhh" like i've done something wrong??? lol i mean, i'm working out with you daily, might want to be a little more supportive :P
Love,
the feet who step on you daily
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you SERIOUS!? You may have just talked me out of getting a Wii. I'm not sure I could handle digital criticism.0 -
Dear hubby...
I am so proud that you wash your own laundry! I brag to everybody! You are such a great husband!! Now, is it possible to actually get the clean clothes on hangers so I can use the basket to get my laundry to the washer? Or at least fold them neatly instead of piling them up in the closet? I'd like to be able to get to my sweaters!
All my love...
P.S. Can you pick up the socks I dropped on the way to the washer, since I can't have the basket?
____
Dear girls...
Thank you for learning to wash your own laundry, AND DISHES!! Wow!!! I'm impressed!! Now, can you get it done without arguing to the point of nearly killing each other? You're sending my blood pressure through the roof! I'm getting older now, so that's not good. Please don't give mommy a stroke! Love you!!
Mom
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Dear Cats...
*sigh* Your poop stinks. Sorry, there's just no nice way to say it. Please make sure your butt is INSIDE the litter box before letting loose. I know, it IS quite comical to see your butt hanging out, but it ain't fun cleaning up your mess. Also, the midnight games of chase and tag that you play, leaping over the refrigerator, knocking glass off the counter, and pouncing the Christmas tree to get the pretty lights and shiny balls... it's just gotta stop! Nothing good will come of it. I promise it's not filled with catnip!
____
Dearest dogs...
I love you! I love how you wag your little nubby tails when I come home! You are so sweet when you beg for treats! But one of you pees in the kitchen when you just can't wait one more minute for somebody to put shoes on and take you out. And the other of you is a bed hog! Please! I need my pillow! I know it's warm under there, but it's made for my head to lay ON it, not for your whole body to try to hide UNDER it! I think you gave me a flea! And must you bark at every little noise you hear? Yes, a mouse farted outside. It will be OK. The cats will sniff him out. Oh, and the *knock-knock* *Woof! Woof!!* game is getting old. You really have no door manners.
____
Lastly,
Dear TOM...
Just go away already. Nobody likes you... Period. Pun intended!0 -
Dear Weekend,
Thank you for coming. Please stay and take your time. I am not in a hurry for you to leave.
Love,
Tired of getting up at 5am for work0 -
Dear 2 year old Potty Trained Nephew,
I love you I really do, but waking auntie up at 4am when she went to bed at 12pm just because you have to pee is not very fun for me. I know that you are very proud of yourself for using the potty and Auntie is uber-proud of you but doing the Potty Dance is not gonna happen at 4 in the morning, Regardless of the amount of whining you do. Also i am not watching Toy Story 3 ever again. Watching it 6,841,531 times in the last week is more than enough for me. One last thing Don't tell your mommy that I gave you a lolly every time you asked. That's our secret.
Love
Dear Sister,
I was ready for your conference to be over the first day you left. Come get your child.
Thank You,
Sleepy Sister
PS I didn't give him a lollipop whenever he asked for one. Whoever told you that lied through their teeth.
:laugh: :laugh:0 -
Dear Customers Who Dine In My Restaurant,
Hello. I am your waitress, not your baby sitter. Do not come in with your other couple friends and thier children and let them run arond the entire restaurant while you catch up with each other. I am not going to keep track of them or find them or make sure they don't get too close to the kitchen where they can get hot food dropped on them because we can't see them. And to the parents who have children who say "please" and "thank you", THANK YOU! It's very refreshing, though very rare, to see children with such manners.
Also, Customers, "please" and "thank you" go a long way. Just because I am a "server", that doesn't mean I am a slave. You are still expected to have manners. Just because I am a waitress doesn't mean I don't work hard or I'm not educated. Chances are, your broke *kitten* is out of work, and I make more money than you.
To groups of women who come in and take up my table for hours and want a single check split up ten different ways and tip crappy like most women do, eff off. I'd rather be broke than wait on you...because even if I do, I'll still be broke!
Oh and one last thing, please tip accordingly. If you tell me I gave great service and everything was wonderful...please tip me accordingly. I can't tell my landlord "You're a great landlord, I love living in this apartment...here's just SOME of my rent. But hey, keep up the good work!" That doesn't work. If I give you great service, tip accordingly. If I give you bad service, tip accordingly. If you can't afford to tip, then you shouldn't be dining out. And believe me, we remember good tippers AND bad tippers...especially the bad ones. And don't think we don't tell the other servers "I waited on that chick last week...don't waste your time on her." We do that for good tippers too, telling other servers: "That guy tips well, take good care of him."
To the people who do tip accordingly, thank you. I do enjoy being a waitress, and I do truly enjoy waiting on people like you.
Love,
Your Happy Waitress0 -
Dear Customers Who Dine In My Restaurant,
Hello. I am your waitress, not your baby sitter. Do not come in with your other couple friends and thier children and let them run arond the entire restaurant while you catch up with each other. I am not going to keep track of them or find them or make sure they don't get too close to the kitchen where they can get hot food dropped on them because we can't see them. And to the parents who have children who say "please" and "thank you", THANK YOU! It's very refreshing, though very rare, to see children with such manners.
Also, Customers, "please" and "thank you" go a long way. Just because I am a "server", that doesn't mean I am a slave. You are still expected to have manners. Just because I am a waitress doesn't mean I don't work hard or I'm not educated. Chances are, your broke *kitten* is out of work, and I make more money than you.
To groups of women who come in and take up my table for hours and want a single check split up ten different ways and tip crappy like most women do, eff off. I'd rather be broke than wait on you...because even if I do, I'll still be broke!
Oh and one last thing, please tip accordingly. If you tell me I gave great service and everything was wonderful...please tip me accordingly. I can't tell my landlord "You're a great landlord, I love living in this apartment...here's just SOME of my rent. But hey, keep up the good work!" That doesn't work. If I give you great service, tip accordingly. If I give you bad service, tip accordingly. If you can't afford to tip, then you shouldn't be dining out. And believe me, we remember good tippers AND bad tippers...especially the bad ones. And don't think we don't tell the other servers "I waited on that chick last week...don't waste your time on her." We do that for good tippers too, telling other servers: "That guy tips well, take good care of him."
To the people who do tip accordingly, thank you. I do enjoy being a waitress, and I do truly enjoy waiting on people like you.
Love,
Your Happy Waitress
Dear Waitress,
Thank you for a job well done! I know that you were busy, I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to my son as he excitedly told you about his teacher giving him a gift certificate for his good school work. He was so happy to share his accomplishment and your "Good Job!" meant a lot to him and to me. His pride at your kind words made our date even more special!
Thank You,
Grateful Mommy0 -
Dear Boyfriend,
I appreciate and love you very much, but it is very irritating when you get angry while playing video games. You're a grown man, and they are games, which inherently means there will be winning AND losing. Sometimes 12 year olds in Korea cheat. Deal with it. It's kind of funny actually. What will you do when something happens that gives you legitimate reasons to be angry?
T0
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