An open letter...
Replies
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Dear Dog,
Yes, you are the cutest dog on the planet, but it does not mean I have to freeze my butt off while you sniff everything up and down the street while trying to find a good spot to take care of your "business". Please, in the future, choose quickly so that I can get to work on time. There will be an extra treat in your bowl if you do!! Regards
Your obedient Servant
that's so awesome! lol i love dogs, but i don't have one for this kind of reason! my cat can take care of her own business w/out me freezing my tookus off... although i do have some to spare.. hey you might be onto something here! :P0 -
Dear wii fit board,
I have no idea why you detest me so much. Seriously, I'm not killing you. when i step on you to get my weight, do you have to say "Ohhh" like i've done something wrong??? lol i mean, i'm working out with you daily, might want to be a little more supportive :P
Love,
the feet who step on you daily0 -
Dear Dog,
Yes, you are the cutest dog on the planet, but it does not mean I have to freeze my butt off while you sniff everything up and down the street while trying to find a good spot to take care of your "business". Please, in the future, choose quickly so that I can get to work on time. There will be an extra treat in your bowl if you do!! Regards
Your obedient Servant
Bahahahaha!!! Mine too! :laugh:0 -
Dear wii fit board,
I have no idea why you detest me so much. Seriously, I'm not killing you. when i step on you to get my weight, do you have to say "Ohhh" like i've done something wrong??? lol i mean, i'm working out with you daily, might want to be a little more supportive :P
Love,
the feet who step on you daily
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you SERIOUS!? You may have just talked me out of getting a Wii. I'm not sure I could handle digital criticism.0 -
Dear hubby...
I am so proud that you wash your own laundry! I brag to everybody! You are such a great husband!! Now, is it possible to actually get the clean clothes on hangers so I can use the basket to get my laundry to the washer? Or at least fold them neatly instead of piling them up in the closet? I'd like to be able to get to my sweaters!
All my love...
P.S. Can you pick up the socks I dropped on the way to the washer, since I can't have the basket?
____
Dear girls...
Thank you for learning to wash your own laundry, AND DISHES!! Wow!!! I'm impressed!! Now, can you get it done without arguing to the point of nearly killing each other? You're sending my blood pressure through the roof! I'm getting older now, so that's not good. Please don't give mommy a stroke! Love you!!
Mom
____
Dear Cats...
*sigh* Your poop stinks. Sorry, there's just no nice way to say it. Please make sure your butt is INSIDE the litter box before letting loose. I know, it IS quite comical to see your butt hanging out, but it ain't fun cleaning up your mess. Also, the midnight games of chase and tag that you play, leaping over the refrigerator, knocking glass off the counter, and pouncing the Christmas tree to get the pretty lights and shiny balls... it's just gotta stop! Nothing good will come of it. I promise it's not filled with catnip!
____
Dearest dogs...
I love you! I love how you wag your little nubby tails when I come home! You are so sweet when you beg for treats! But one of you pees in the kitchen when you just can't wait one more minute for somebody to put shoes on and take you out. And the other of you is a bed hog! Please! I need my pillow! I know it's warm under there, but it's made for my head to lay ON it, not for your whole body to try to hide UNDER it! I think you gave me a flea! And must you bark at every little noise you hear? Yes, a mouse farted outside. It will be OK. The cats will sniff him out. Oh, and the *knock-knock* *Woof! Woof!!* game is getting old. You really have no door manners.
____
Lastly,
Dear TOM...
Just go away already. Nobody likes you... Period. Pun intended!0 -
Dear Weekend,
Thank you for coming. Please stay and take your time. I am not in a hurry for you to leave.
Love,
Tired of getting up at 5am for work0 -
Dear 2 year old Potty Trained Nephew,
I love you I really do, but waking auntie up at 4am when she went to bed at 12pm just because you have to pee is not very fun for me. I know that you are very proud of yourself for using the potty and Auntie is uber-proud of you but doing the Potty Dance is not gonna happen at 4 in the morning, Regardless of the amount of whining you do. Also i am not watching Toy Story 3 ever again. Watching it 6,841,531 times in the last week is more than enough for me. One last thing Don't tell your mommy that I gave you a lolly every time you asked. That's our secret.
Love
Dear Sister,
I was ready for your conference to be over the first day you left. Come get your child.
Thank You,
Sleepy Sister
PS I didn't give him a lollipop whenever he asked for one. Whoever told you that lied through their teeth.
:laugh: :laugh:0 -
Dear Customers Who Dine In My Restaurant,
Hello. I am your waitress, not your baby sitter. Do not come in with your other couple friends and thier children and let them run arond the entire restaurant while you catch up with each other. I am not going to keep track of them or find them or make sure they don't get too close to the kitchen where they can get hot food dropped on them because we can't see them. And to the parents who have children who say "please" and "thank you", THANK YOU! It's very refreshing, though very rare, to see children with such manners.
Also, Customers, "please" and "thank you" go a long way. Just because I am a "server", that doesn't mean I am a slave. You are still expected to have manners. Just because I am a waitress doesn't mean I don't work hard or I'm not educated. Chances are, your broke *kitten* is out of work, and I make more money than you.
To groups of women who come in and take up my table for hours and want a single check split up ten different ways and tip crappy like most women do, eff off. I'd rather be broke than wait on you...because even if I do, I'll still be broke!
Oh and one last thing, please tip accordingly. If you tell me I gave great service and everything was wonderful...please tip me accordingly. I can't tell my landlord "You're a great landlord, I love living in this apartment...here's just SOME of my rent. But hey, keep up the good work!" That doesn't work. If I give you great service, tip accordingly. If I give you bad service, tip accordingly. If you can't afford to tip, then you shouldn't be dining out. And believe me, we remember good tippers AND bad tippers...especially the bad ones. And don't think we don't tell the other servers "I waited on that chick last week...don't waste your time on her." We do that for good tippers too, telling other servers: "That guy tips well, take good care of him."
To the people who do tip accordingly, thank you. I do enjoy being a waitress, and I do truly enjoy waiting on people like you.
Love,
Your Happy Waitress0 -
Dear Customers Who Dine In My Restaurant,
Hello. I am your waitress, not your baby sitter. Do not come in with your other couple friends and thier children and let them run arond the entire restaurant while you catch up with each other. I am not going to keep track of them or find them or make sure they don't get too close to the kitchen where they can get hot food dropped on them because we can't see them. And to the parents who have children who say "please" and "thank you", THANK YOU! It's very refreshing, though very rare, to see children with such manners.
Also, Customers, "please" and "thank you" go a long way. Just because I am a "server", that doesn't mean I am a slave. You are still expected to have manners. Just because I am a waitress doesn't mean I don't work hard or I'm not educated. Chances are, your broke *kitten* is out of work, and I make more money than you.
To groups of women who come in and take up my table for hours and want a single check split up ten different ways and tip crappy like most women do, eff off. I'd rather be broke than wait on you...because even if I do, I'll still be broke!
Oh and one last thing, please tip accordingly. If you tell me I gave great service and everything was wonderful...please tip me accordingly. I can't tell my landlord "You're a great landlord, I love living in this apartment...here's just SOME of my rent. But hey, keep up the good work!" That doesn't work. If I give you great service, tip accordingly. If I give you bad service, tip accordingly. If you can't afford to tip, then you shouldn't be dining out. And believe me, we remember good tippers AND bad tippers...especially the bad ones. And don't think we don't tell the other servers "I waited on that chick last week...don't waste your time on her." We do that for good tippers too, telling other servers: "That guy tips well, take good care of him."
To the people who do tip accordingly, thank you. I do enjoy being a waitress, and I do truly enjoy waiting on people like you.
Love,
Your Happy Waitress
Dear Waitress,
Thank you for a job well done! I know that you were busy, I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to my son as he excitedly told you about his teacher giving him a gift certificate for his good school work. He was so happy to share his accomplishment and your "Good Job!" meant a lot to him and to me. His pride at your kind words made our date even more special!
Thank You,
Grateful Mommy0 -
Dear Boyfriend,
I appreciate and love you very much, but it is very irritating when you get angry while playing video games. You're a grown man, and they are games, which inherently means there will be winning AND losing. Sometimes 12 year olds in Korea cheat. Deal with it. It's kind of funny actually. What will you do when something happens that gives you legitimate reasons to be angry?
T0 -
Dear Boyfriend,
I appreciate and love you very much, but it is very irritating when you get angry while playing video games. You're a grown man, and they are games, which inherently means there will be winning AND losing. Sometimes 12 year olds in Korea cheat. Deal with it. It's kind of funny actually. What will you do when something happens that gives you legitimate reasons to be angry?
T
Hahahaha I love this....My husband does the same thing. I always tell him your are supposed to die, that's kinda the whole point of the game now SHUT UP cuz I can't hear my movie in the other room over your loud mouth!! :laugh:0 -
Dear Customers Who Dine In My Restaurant,
Hello. I am your waitress, not your baby sitter. Do not come in with your other couple friends and thier children and let them run arond the entire restaurant while you catch up with each other. I am not going to keep track of them or find them or make sure they don't get too close to the kitchen where they can get hot food dropped on them because we can't see them. And to the parents who have children who say "please" and "thank you", THANK YOU! It's very refreshing, though very rare, to see children with such manners.
Also, Customers, "please" and "thank you" go a long way. Just because I am a "server", that doesn't mean I am a slave. You are still expected to have manners. Just because I am a waitress doesn't mean I don't work hard or I'm not educated. Chances are, your broke *kitten* is out of work, and I make more money than you.
To groups of women who come in and take up my table for hours and want a single check split up ten different ways and tip crappy like most women do, eff off. I'd rather be broke than wait on you...because even if I do, I'll still be broke!
Oh and one last thing, please tip accordingly. If you tell me I gave great service and everything was wonderful...please tip me accordingly. I can't tell my landlord "You're a great landlord, I love living in this apartment...here's just SOME of my rent. But hey, keep up the good work!" That doesn't work. If I give you great service, tip accordingly. If I give you bad service, tip accordingly. If you can't afford to tip, then you shouldn't be dining out. And believe me, we remember good tippers AND bad tippers...especially the bad ones. And don't think we don't tell the other servers "I waited on that chick last week...don't waste your time on her." We do that for good tippers too, telling other servers: "That guy tips well, take good care of him."
To the people who do tip accordingly, thank you. I do enjoy being a waitress, and I do truly enjoy waiting on people like you.
Love,
Your Happy Waitress
Dear Waitress,
Thank you for a job well done! I know that you were busy, I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to my son as he excitedly told you about his teacher giving him a gift certificate for his good school work. He was so happy to share his accomplishment and your "Good Job!" meant a lot to him and to me. His pride at your kind words made our date even more special!
Thank You,
Grateful Mommy
Dear Grateful Mommy,
Good job on raising what sounds like a fun, smart son! :flowerforyou:
Happy Waitress0 -
Dear Friday,
Thank you for getting here. I know I complained a few days ago that you were taking forever to arrive. Now that you're here, hang around a while. We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Love,
Thankful0 -
Dear Boyfriend,
I appreciate and love you very much, but it is very irritating when you get angry while playing video games. You're a grown man, and they are games, which inherently means there will be winning AND losing. Sometimes 12 year olds in Korea cheat. Deal with it. It's kind of funny actually. What will you do when something happens that gives you legitimate reasons to be angry?
T
This is EVERY guy I know! I don't think they should be allowed to play these games!0 -
Dear Cranky Husband,
I know we have had a very alcohol heavy sleepless week. However, that does not mean you can be short and rude with me as if IIIIII am the reason you are in a bad mood. I drank just as much and slept just as little as you. So since you are behaving as if I am the reason, I am going to help alleviate the problem. I will drop you off at the sports bar where we had planned to have lunch and let you watch the football game with your guy friends and I am going to go to startbucks to enjoy a pumpkin spice latte and play on facebook and MFP....
Love
your prayerful wife
P.S
I say prayerful bc i am PRAYING the Saints win so that maybe that will improve your mood.0 -
Dear Woman At The Gym Who Wears Light Grey Leggings and Does Deep Stretches,
Can you please either A) wear underwear or
wear a shirt longer than your butt? No one needs or wants to see all of your lady business that's going on, especially when you're sweating. That's just gross.
Signed,
Nauseous0 -
Dear Co-worker:
Please walk your lazy butt across the office to have a conversation with your friend, rather than yell over the top of the cubicles. Also, when you come to talk to our coworker the cubicle next to mine, please keep your conversation at a reasonable level (like I tell my grandchildren - use your inside voice!).
Furthermore, if you must talk about the problems you are having with your spouse, please do it only with someone who cares (in other words, talk to your spouse about it, not all your coworkers). I don't need to know that your husband missed the commode this morning, or that the two of you haven't been intimate for 6 months, or anything of that sort. If you're miserable at home, please stay there and work it out - don't bring the misery into the office for the rest of us to share. By the way, I noticed that ever since you've been having trouble at home, you've been coming in to the office dressed much differently. Please save the revealing clothes for when you are with your husband, and stop advertising here at the office. Although you are attractive, none of us are interested, not even the single guys, because they have heard how your treat your husband.
Finally, if you are going to have a teleconference, take it to a conference room, or at least don't use the speakerphone. You have two arms - certainly one of them can hold the phone to your ear.
I'm not sure I can control my urge to strangle you much longer.
Signed,
The guy at work that tries to do his job without bothering anyone else.0 -
Dear body,
Thanks for dealing with me for all these years, wanting you to change, wanting you to cooperate, wishing you looked a different way. Thanks for being patient throughout high school, when I thought having three enormous cookies with lunch every day was the best thing ever and when I simultaneously hated you for not being what the boys wanted. Thanks for slowly but surely dropping the extra weight over a longer period of time and keeping it off. I knew you could do it, and I suppose changing my mindset helped... you are strong, you are my temple, and I can feel you changing from fat into more muscle. I feel wonderful and healthy in you now that I'm maintaining healthier habits for the most part. I know the past few days haven't been as great food-wise, but today is a new day and I'm back on the horse. Beware of Thanksgiving... you'll enjoy it though. It will be worth it. Pie is always worth it.
Thank you for now being in the best shape you've ever been in, thank you for being healthy. I hope you enjoyed our workout this morning as well as the ensuing the pumpkin oatmeal and apple for breakfast. More to come in a few hours... :P
Much love,
- Absie0 -
Dear Baby,
It is wonderful that you are an enthusiastic eater, however, can you please turn the suction down a notch or three? Mommies nippies feel like they are going to fall off.
Love,
Mommy0 -
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Dear person on the other end of my phone right now:
Did you get your degree or whatever out of a Cracker Jack box? I can only explain things to you so many more times before I'm going to :explode: - if you repeat back what I say incorrectly one more time I'm going to hop on the next plane to Portland and hunt you down to slap some sense in to you. If we didn't work for the same company, I would have insulted the crap out of you right now when you said "one of my co-workers usually helps me out" cause you obviously need it.
Sincerely
very stressed out person trying to fix screw ups made by other coworkers
That is funny only because I once had a problem with a medical company who kept sending the bill to my insurance company with my name mispelled. Every time I called them, they would repeat what I said back to me with the correct spelling, but would still send it through spelled wrong.The sad thing is that they would be mispelling different every time. On about the 5th call the girl on the other end said, "Well, how do you think it is spelled?" My name is Katherine, not that difficult.0 -
Dear body,
Thanks for dealing with me for all these years, wanting you to change, wanting you to cooperate, wishing you looked a different way. Thanks for being patient throughout high school, when I thought having three enormous cookies with lunch every day was the best thing ever and when I simultaneously hated you for not being what the boys wanted. Thanks for slowly but surely dropping the extra weight over a longer period of time and keeping it off. I knew you could do it, and I suppose changing my mindset helped... you are strong, you are my temple, and I can feel you changing from fat into more muscle. I feel wonderful and healthy in you now that I'm maintaining healthier habits for the most part. I know the past few days haven't been as great food-wise, but today is a new day and I'm back on the horse. Beware of Thanksgiving... you'll enjoy it though. It will be worth it. Pie is always worth it.
Thank you for now being in the best shape you've ever been in, thank you for being healthy. I hope you enjoyed our workout this morning as well as the ensuing the pumpkin oatmeal and apple for breakfast. More to come in a few hours... :P
Much love,
- Absie
Love THIS!0 -
Dear U of U fan,
I realize that what Max Hall said was incredibly stupid and classless. I really appreciate you going out of your way day in and day out to prove his point!
Sincerely,
Sick of It!0 -
Dear Fellow Washingtonians,
I realize that we don't get a lot of snow or cold weather in the Puget Sound. When we do, TRUST ME ON THIS, it's not a freaking natural disaster! You can go about your daily business, the world doesn't have to stand still. A word to those who do choose to go about their business: have a little sense when you get behind the wheel. Trying to go the speed limit and weaving in and out fo traffic when it's clearly slick as hell (especially on the bridges and over passes) and everyone else has reduced their speed makes you DANGEROUS. Have you considered that there may be a REASON we all slowed down? Leave a little space and take your time. Slamming on your brakes on the over pass because you were speeding is the reason you're spinning in circles... There was a reason I left that much space between me and the guy you just nearly hit.
To the guy in the four wheel drive that spent half the drive home up my tailpipe (despite watching the asshat in the mazda spin out)- I'm not speeding up and tailgating the guy in front of me. You are not invincible because you have control of all four wheels. You're just bigger than my little car which means it's going to take you longer to slow down than it will me and you're more likely to cause my death when you run me down because you can't stop.
~Skipping the gym because you people are CRAZY.
p.s. Your four wheel drive won't keep you on the road it will just effectively remove your stupid *kitten* from the ditch- provided you don't land in it upside down. I really really really hope you end up upside down.0 -
Dear Fellow Washingtonians,
I realize that we don't get a lot of snow or cold weather in the Puget Sound. When we do, TRUST ME ON THIS, it's not a freaking natural disaster! You can go about your daily business, the world doesn't have to stand still. A word to those who do choose to go about their business: have a little sense when you get behind the wheel. Trying to go the speed limit and weaving in and out fo traffic when it's clearly slick as hell (especially on the bridges and over passes) and everyone else has reduced their speed makes you DANGEROUS. Have you considered that there may be a REASON we all slowed down? Leave a little space and take your time. Slamming on your brakes on the over pass because you were speeding is the reason you're spinning in circles... There was a reason I left that much space between me and the guy you just nearly hit.
To the guy in the four wheel drive that spent half the drive home up my tailpipe (despite watching the asshat in the mazda spin out)- I'm not speeding up and tailgating the guy in front of me. You are not invincible because you have control of all four wheels. You're just bigger than my little car which means it's going to take you longer to slow down than it will me and you're more likely to cause my death when you run me down because you can't stop.
~Skipping the gym because you people are CRAZY.
p.s. Your four wheel drive won't keep you on the road it will just effectively remove your stupid *kitten* from the ditch- provided you don't land in it upside down. I really really really hope you end up upside down.
4 wheel drive doesn't mean 4 wheel stop!0 -
Dear employer,
(cough, cough, cough)
I'm really feeling under the weather today, and won't be coming to work
(cough, cough, cough)
What's that?
You don't believe me? Why would you say that?
Because it's going to be sunny and warm....perfect golf weather?
Why would you think that beatiful weather had anyting to do with me being sick today?
Oh, alright, I'll drag myself into the office, but if I have a coughing fit after the sun comes up and have to go home....it's purely coincidental.
Sincerely,
Your faithful employee
((with apologies to thoe of you in Washington or the frigid north, where golfing in November is unheard of))0 -
Dear Legs.
Stop aching after my 4km run/fast walk yesterday. I need to do 5km in two weeks time, BEHAVE YOURSELVES.
Thanks.
Me0 -
Dear Randy Couple in Hotel Bar,
I assume you had a room - it was a hotel !!! No I really didn't care that you could manage to ram your tongue's down each others throat every 2 minutes - it wasn't needed.
:mad: :sick:
Next time use the god damn room you paid for !!!!!!!:explode:
Yours truly
Completely turned off Hotel Guest0 -
Dear throat, nostrils & ears,
I am tired TIRED TIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRED of coughing. You are going to bring the end of me. And nose, enough with the drainage. Ears, please please please stop ringing.
ugh
Love,
Sicky Sickerson0 -
Dear wii fit board,
I have no idea why you detest me so much. Seriously, I'm not killing you. when i step on you to get my weight, do you have to say "Ohhh" like i've done something wrong??? lol i mean, i'm working out with you daily, might want to be a little more supportive :P
Love,
the feet who step on you daily
I KNOW!!!! That "oohh" makes me feel so fat! You are supposed to be encouraging me! Not making me feel worse!0
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