Nagging about saving money for IVF
Replies
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Good gravy, the things I would do to that man.
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Oh hai. Just popping in.
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I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
This is awful advice.
Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.
No, my advice wasn't awful.
There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.
Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.
I think that is your youth and inexperience talking.0 -
I am going to agree with the posters who suggested a separate untouchable bank account with a direct debit for your saving for baby fund.
However...I am going to add this.
You DO need to budget for a little luxury - which may mean to budget for your husband to have his $100 a week. It is all well and good to be totally single minded focused on making a baby and having a baby BUT you also need to remember to live as well.
Saving with an end goal is great but you also need to enjoy now as well. Is a having a round of IVF 4 months earlier than you planned originally that may or may not be successful worth totally sucking the entire fun out of your current life? Could doing this HARDER than it has to be place more strain on your marriage? Do you think that perhaps your husband bears the weight of some issues due to not being able to impregnate you and this stringent budget is a little like a punishment?
I know (and trust me I certainly do know) the absolute longing to have a baby and the devastation of it not happening like everyone else, so it is with this wisdom and knowledge that I suggest you do this with one eye on the budget and the other eye on your relationship and marriage. Don't sacrifice one to gain the other.0 -
I won't address your money saving issues, as many others have shared good advice. I will say this about getting pregnant, via IVF or any other method.
If you continue to stress, and your body continues to stress, the body will respond to this stress naturally. IE., not getting pregnant. I've known many coworkers and friends who cried on my shoulder about not being able to get pregnant. Some used IVF, and the others got pregnant, all after a lengthy vacation (4-6weeks) and a good rest.
Good luck! It sounds like you'll be a good mum.0 -
I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
This is awful advice.
Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.
No, my advice wasn't awful.
There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.
Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.
100 a week on things like that isn't really much. I spend that much just on lunch for the week. Let's do the math. A 12 pack a week, which is roughly 2 beers per day (which a lot of people have, because it relaxes you after work) is about 14 dollars for. Chewing tobacco is an addiction, just quiting it sometimes isn't an option without some kind of nicotine relief. Let's say he goes down to one per week, that's let's say 5 dollars. Golfing once a week as his form of release, or something to have fun with? Why should that be cut out? You have to enjoy life too, so that's maybe 40 dollars. Say he wants to go out for lunch once per week, that can easily be 20 dollars if you want to have a good meal, if you're only dooing it once.
So we're sitting at 80 dollars now. The remaining 20 dollars can easily go away via bubblegum, chips at the convenience store, a sode here and there, tic tacs. various other things. 100 dollars doesn't get you far in this day and age.
And as a guy that works a lot, I can tell you that if I didn't have a few things every week just because I wanted them, I'd be a very unhappy person. All work and no play, it's just not good for you.
SO yea, I'm going to have to disagree with your advice.0 -
This one is pretty small potatoes, but I have a piggy bank that we put all our two pound coins in whenever we get them. Two pound coins aren't very common in the UK, but not terribly uncommon either. So whenever we get one by chance it goes into the piggy bank. It was surprising how much it built up. The piggy we have, is designed to hold two grand when it's full.
Maybe there is some similar thing you can do. Like everyday when you get home empty all shrapnel into a piggy bank. Might not work so well in USA as you have notes for much smaller denominations (i.e. for a dollar, whereas here minimum is £5). But anyway it's just a more subtle way of saving.
Also there exists a private place in England that will give a free IVF treatment if you donate your eggs at the same time. (This is not a NHS thing) maybe there is something similar in the USA. It's called egg sharing here.0 -
Thank you for your comment. I think communication is key in a relationship. Yes, I could stop nagging. And I may have to if it affects our relationship. But, I can't say I'll ever answer with the least possible response. During the week he makes his own lunches for work, brings coffee from home, pays gas with the credit card. To be honest, that 100 usually gets spent on the weekends.. Thanks again!If I was you, I would stop talking/nagging about money issues and IVF , completely.
Actions speak louder than words.
If he brings either topic up, just answer with the least possible response.
He will figure it out.
Not knowing your financial situation, I am guessing that there are may other expenses you both have that could be reduced, that list is long but most can't "change" what they are comfortable with. Housing, cars, entertainment, travel, gadgets ,etc.
100 a week is $14 and change a day. That does not buy much ? coffee ? couple beers ? lunch ? whatever.
Good luck and hang in there....0 -
Great Idea!!!!!Maybe put something up somewhere visible in the house, so you can see where your daily/weekly budget is? Sometimes people don't realize what they spend, and a visual reminder might help.
I like this. A nice graphic with dollars saved and months til goal. Hang it on the fridge and never mention it again. He can make his decisions based on your progress.0 -
LOL! Thanks but NO Marital problems!! LOL!!You should probably work out your marital problems first.0 -
Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Thats what I said. It got ignored by the OP
Maybe the OP wants to BEAR her own child, ever think of that? Geez, why don't you adopt some of the kids who need homes, oh holier than thou. :huh:0 -
We will be doing the warranty program. We have 3 tries. If we dont get pregnant we get 90% back. It's worth a try. Most do not end in miscarriage or before birth. I looked at their statistics.I hope you have done research on IVF. There's no guarantee with this process, in fact most end in miscarriage or several before or if it actually works.
good luck0 -
What is kind of funny is that financial issues are no different than fitness ones really. If your spending goes over what you have budgeted you will go into debt (or in this case not be able to save), just like you go over the calories you have budgeted you will gain weight. I find it very interesting that some people can be super disciplined in one area, but suck at the other. As far as money goes, I could go forever sticking to that budget and never go over... but I am not as successful with food.
Just like fitness though, you can't nag someone into getting into being financially fit. They will either want to change themselves and dig down and find the discipline to do it or they won't.
+1... Great point!0 -
I am going to talk to him this weekend. See if he can try 50 a week. Or if he wants to give it a try. And if there is a week he needs extra we can work that in.?
I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
This is awful advice.
Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.
No, my advice wasn't awful.
There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.
Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.0 -
We're not scraping by with giving him 100/week. The thing is, he is spending more than that. We aren't hurting for money. We are trying to save a big amount of money 21,000.00 in 12 months. That is 1750 a month in savings. Which we should be able to do if he didn't just blow money sometimes.I am trying to wrap my head around how $100/week is "a crazy amount" of money?:noway: I could blow through more than $100 in just one DAY.
And I am also with the "you're not ready for this" group.
This.
If you're scraping by where $100/week makes a significant difference in your savings, bringing a child into the mix isn't gonna help the situation.0 -
This is great advice. Thank you. Yes, I do need to remember we need to Live in the moment as well as save. I think at times I can get a little obsessive about it as well. Thank you so much for this post!! I need to remember to take a deep breath, save, and still enjoy life. Life is too short!! Thanks so much!I am going to agree with the posters who suggested a separate untouchable bank account with a direct debit for your saving for baby fund.
However...I am going to add this.
You DO need to budget for a little luxury - which may mean to budget for your husband to have his $100 a week. It is all well and good to be totally single minded focused on making a baby and having a baby BUT you also need to remember to live as well.
Saving with an end goal is great but you also need to enjoy now as well. Is a having a round of IVF 4 months earlier than you planned originally that may or may not be successful worth totally sucking the entire fun out of your current life? Could doing this HARDER than it has to be place more strain on your marriage? Do you think that perhaps your husband bears the weight of some issues due to not being able to impregnate you and this stringent budget is a little like a punishment?
I know (and trust me I certainly do know) the absolute longing to have a baby and the devastation of it not happening like everyone else, so it is with this wisdom and knowledge that I suggest you do this with one eye on the budget and the other eye on your relationship and marriage. Don't sacrifice one to gain the other.0 -
OP - I really feel for you! Planning for IVF can be so stressful and I really think you and hubby sound in the right place from what you have said.
Some people are just frivolous with cash. Whether its 100 bucks a week or 500 bucks a week, they manage to spend it on anything if they have it available! Honestly I spend a lot of money on stuff that would be better saved but we are in a position to be like that. I know if I had to save I could do it.
Some of the suggestions here have been good. The savings account that you cannot dip in to. I have a savings account that I have to give 1 months notice before making a withdrawal. Something like that might be good for you guys.
I liked the idea of the visual thing. Maybe make this his thing? Explain that you really want him to be on board with him saving for IVF so even if he continues with his $100 to spend, maybe he can throw the odd dollar and loose change in a jar. Maybe as he sees it adding up he will be encouraged to add more because he can physically see that the extra small parts are starting to add up.
And best of luck you! My sister went through an early menopause before she had any children and she would absolutely love a child. I am losing weight so that I can donate eggs to her IVF treatment.0 -
How have you saved money for other things? Cars, home, vacation? Is there something IVF specific that he is not making a priority?
The $100 a week isn't working. Time to sit down and ask him what his other ideas are. Ask him if he would like to put off saving for IVF for another year or two. Ask him if he'd like auto payments into a savings account for the IVF, something that is untouchable (except for emergencies). Ask him what the plan is for saving for things for the actual baby, if you do have one. College savings plans aside, just the base costs are enormous and very stressful if your spouse is not of the same mind as you, financially. Give him an out if he's not ready and see if he takes it.
We use personal capital's website to track our spending across all accounts, as well as investments, home, and all of that. Some people also use Mint.com, which is better if you don't own a ton of assets ( I think personal capital has a minimum net worth or something?). I like the online trackers because 1. Everything is in one place 2. We can see how little spending here and there really adds up in pie chart form (how did we spend $79 on Sunday?! Oh yeah, brunch. Dangit).0 -
Apologies if this has been asked before (I haven't read the whole thread) but why don't you get a loan for the IVF?
I get that saving for it is better financially as you don't have the added interest payments (depending on the loan of course) but I think it is very much human nature when you have a long term goal that short term desires can very much over ride that no matter how much you want the long term goal (not meaning to belittle your situation but like a dieter who desperately wants to lose weight but then gets confronted by a fully laden buffet table...)
At least with the loan you will be compelled to make the payments so it takes away the choice element.
It's a tale as old as time: when you are denied something be it food, money, sex or whatever you tend to crave it and then snap and binge...0 -
GEEZ, asking people on the internet anything shows a lack of maturity.
next off, he isn't ready to have a kid, ask him again.
The end.
Ha, I am mature! Actually, I've NEVER gotten SO many sincere and down to earth messages regarding infertility from someone than now. YOU have NO idea what someone with infertility goes through and how hard it is to talk to people about it. Internet is the best way for ME to express my feelings and get emotional support from others.0 -
Thank you for this infoThis one is pretty small potatoes, but I have a piggy bank that we put all our two pound coins in whenever we get them. Two pound coins aren't very common in the UK, but not terribly uncommon either. So whenever we get one by chance it goes into the piggy bank. It was surprising how much it built up. The piggy we have, is designed to hold two grand when it's full.
Maybe there is some similar thing you can do. Like everyday when you get home empty all shrapnel into a piggy bank. Might not work so well in USA as you have notes for much smaller denominations (i.e. for a dollar, whereas here minimum is £5). But anyway it's just a more subtle way of saving.
Also there exists a private place in England that will give a free IVF treatment if you donate your eggs at the same time. (This is not a NHS thing) maybe there is something similar in the USA. It's called egg sharing here.
I truly appreciate it 0 -
Tell him you will manage the savings if he can't stick to the plan.
PS - Adopting is cheaper and you will have a kid.0 -
Thank you for this! He gets 100 cash every week. I am going to ask him (and I know he will be into it) when he has any extra (if he does lol) to put it in his "change jar". That way he can see it build up which may encourage him as well. That is SO SO sweet of you to donate eggs to her IVF treatment.OP - I really feel for you! Planning for IVF can be so stressful and I really think you and hubby sound in the right place from what you have said.
Some people are just frivolous with cash. Whether its 100 bucks a week or 500 bucks a week, they manage to spend it on anything if they have it available! Honestly I spend a lot of money on stuff that would be better saved but we are in a position to be like that. I know if I had to save I could do it.
Some of the suggestions here have been good. The savings account that you cannot dip in to. I have a savings account that I have to give 1 months notice before making a withdrawal. Something like that might be good for you guys.
I liked the idea of the visual thing. Maybe make this his thing? Explain that you really want him to be on board with him saving for IVF so even if he continues with his $100 to spend, maybe he can throw the odd dollar and loose change in a jar. Maybe as he sees it adding up he will be encouraged to add more because he can physically see that the extra small parts are starting to add up.
And best of luck you! My sister went through an early menopause before she had any children and she would absolutely love a child. I am losing weight so that I can donate eggs to her IVF treatment. It's crazy how the world works. People that shouldn't have kids seam to just pop them out no problem but some that really want children and are ready have struggles. 0 -
He gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.0 -
No worries, I know it is a long threadApologies if this has been asked before (I haven't read the whole thread) but why don't you get a loan for the IVF?
I get that saving for it is better financially as you don't have the added interest payments (depending on the loan of course) but I think it is very much human nature when you have a long term goal that short term desires can very much over ride that no matter how much you want the long term goal (not meaning to belittle your situation but like a dieter who desperately wants to lose weight but then gets confronted by a fully laden buffet table...)
At least with the loan you will be compelled to make the payments so it takes away the choice element.
It's a tale as old as time: when you are denied something be it food, money, sex or whatever you tend to crave it and then snap and binge... We've talked about refinancing our house and maybe using that money for IVF. But, we dont want to get ourselves in a financial burden. (not saying it would) We could get a loan from the facility we will be doing this at but, like you said the interest. I may have to look into it though. We would really like to avoid taking out a loan. We just thought our best option would be to pay cash. But, if we don't start saving, we may have to look into the loan. I might just bring up the loan option to my husband, I'm pretty sure that will help motivate him to save.? 0 -
He gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.
^^^^ This0 -
He gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.
If you would have read my whole post, you would know that WE, HE and I decided to give him 100.00 a week to spend. I dont have to justify this at ALL! This is a decision WE made together. That is part of a marriage. You decide on things together. No, I dont treat him like a child. We make all of our decisions together. Thanks though lol0 -
.He gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.
^^^^ This
Not going to waste my time on you0 -
He gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.
If you would have read my whole post, you would know that WE, HE and I decided to give him 100.00 a week to spend. I dont have to justify this at ALL! This is a decision WE made together. That is part of a marriage. You decide on things together. No, I dont treat him like a child. We make all of our decisions together. Thanks though lol
Wait you have came on a public forum to look for advice about a personal situation and now claim when people don't agree that you don't have to "Justify" your decisions. logical
You're new to the internet aren't you?0 -
I came on a public forum to look for advice, correct. I dont need to "Justify" to you because you DID NOT read my post correctly. WE decided that my husband would get 100.00 a week. I think you just want to argue.He gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.
If you would have read my whole post, you would know that WE, HE and I decided to give him 100.00 a week to spend. I dont have to justify this at ALL! This is a decision WE made together. That is part of a marriage. You decide on things together. No, I dont treat him like a child. We make all of our decisions together. Thanks though lol
Wait you have came on a public forum to look for advice about a personal situation and now claim when people don't agree that you don't have to "Justify" your decisions. logical
You're new to the internet aren't you?0
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