Nagging about saving money for IVF
Replies
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I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
The important thing is that you understand budgets are this tight for a great many people in the US--and even tighter in some other parts of the world.
If you can spend more freely, by all means enjoy your good fortune (pun intended)--but keep compassion for those who can't.
There has been a social tendency in the US lately to "blame" people for their lack of "success" financially, attributing moral faults like "lazyness" etc. which really are not true. Whatever your situation, keep in mind that success means hard work and preparedness, but *also* requires luck.
As an explicit example of luck being required for "success", I once had opportunity to talk with a physician/professor who was on the admissions board of a major medical school. She told me that there are 5 times the number of qualified applicants each year than slots in US medical schools. This means that after they have winnowed down the pool to the group of all people who would be equally good doctors after training, they must still reject 4 out of 5 of them, and that sometimes it felt like their decisions were like throwing darts at a board or picking cards from a pile at random. This means, from the applicant's standpoint, that the applicant could do everything "right" in their academic career--and still have a 4 out of 5 chance of failing to get into any med school at all. These are certainly not lazy or stupid people, and their "failure" to enter that career boils down to sheer unfavorable luck.
So--if you have $100 to spend on a day at the spa, please enjoy the hell out of it for yourself and for all those who can't afford it. And be kind to those who can't afford it.
And if you are ever in a position to give a deserving person the luck element they need, I hope you will jump at the chance to empower them.
Um, no. Success does not require a bit of "luck". People are successful because they work HARD at it. They work 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week. They put all their time, effort and energy into making whatever it is they are doing work.
So much this. I hate it when people say "oh you're so lucky to have a good job"
What the hell ever. It came after working my *kitten* off for years, and I never, EVER have time to do anything, becuase I'm always at work. That's not luck. People that think it's luck are the people that think if they wait around, a good job will just come to them.
I feel lucky to have a good job.
Yes, I work hard at it, but there was a time when I was an over-qualified Wal-mart employee because good jobs are hard to get now-a-days.
Now I have my good job back, and I count my luck and blessings almost daily for it.
I've had rather large sums of money dropped in my lap because I was at the right place at the right time, and I've lost positions because of economic circumstances well beyond my control. I did very well in school because I worked my *kitten* off and continued to work my *kitten* off during my career so I have made plenty of my own luck, but I also think that luck is one of those things that is easy to overstate on either side of this argument. In short, I work hard but I do not pretend to be above being thankful for what I have. I also know it could all be taken away with an accident, a diagnosis, a false accusation, etc. I'm too old to act like I'm bullet proof.
I
you 0 -
I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
This is awful advice.0 -
Ahhh!!! Thanks! I know, I can't give in, i can't give in!!!!
I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
He's an adult that makes a decent amount of money. Trying to mother him and nag him into doing what you want when it's his money isn't going to end well. This is HIS money we are talking about and yes, I get the whole "our money thing" but really it's his. I've been married 10 years to a similar man and we've had many similar discussions. Trying to control him just doesn't work and it's not fair to you either. You shouldn't be made to feel like his mother or a nag. He's a grown up. Let him act like it. This is his money. It's also his future child. He has to make the commitment himself. You can't force him.0 -
Lol!Why not put hubby on the comp, let him read this thread, and get his side of the story?
He would agree with everything I said. Honestly. Why lie?
What, you mean he's not intentionally sabotaging your goals like people here seem to think? Weird...0 -
I like that idea, if you're committed to doing this 1 round of IVF.My suggestion would be to create a 2nd savings account and set up an automatic transfer. Have it automatically transfer over an agreed upon amount every payday (or every month, whatever works better) with a clear understanding that there is NO withdrawing from that account, come hell or high water. That way the money isn't technically spendable to begin with.
But ask your doctor how many people only have to do 1 round, how many get pregnant, keep the pregnancy, and end up with a baby?
How many rounds are you willing to pay for?
When will you draw the line and move on to adopting some of the children in foster care already waiting for parents?
(Or hiring a surrogate, or trying donor sperm, donor egg, etc.)
Do you want to be parents, or are you stuck on passing along your genes? (Which, if your bodies don't work together to have a pregnancy there's probably a reason & maybe you should consider not forcing it.)
I don't need to know the answers to any of these, but you & your husband do need to sit down with a counselor & have some serious discussions about your goals, your finances, etc.0 -
Our insurance will pay a one time $5,000.00 towards IVF. They do offer a third party loan. We dont really want to go that route as there will be interest (probably high) To be honest, I dont really want to go abroad for IVF though it may be cheaper. Congrats on your daughter! Babies truly are miracles! Thanks!Does your fertility clinic offer payment plans? Many of them do. They typically use a third party to manage these. I haven't read most suggestions but agree with pps that setting up an automatic deduction would be useful, or simply putting it on a credit card and paying it off over time. Explore cheaper options such as going abroad (seriously, many find it's worth it to go to Czechoslovakia--still cheaper even with plane tickets and hotels) or even moving to a state and/or job that covers it, even partially, through insurance.
We did IVF and I'm typing this while my baby daughter naps. It was worth every penny. We were lucky in that my insurance covered part of it and we had savings already to cover the rest. But it's a difficult financial burden nonetheless and I wish you all the luck in the world!
As I mentioned, I went that route but mine is cheaper because we're military. I would pay my CC about $200-500/month and only took me 1.5 yr to pay off. I have to say, if I'm ever going to pay interest on anything, this is the one thing in this world that's totally worth it.0 -
He is 100% on board with wanting to save for IVF. He wants a baby more than anything. We planned this budget together. He Wants to save but ends up spending more money than planned. It is like Losing weight. I want more than anything to tone up and lose weight, I just find it hard to do sometimes. TemptationsWhy not put hubby on the comp, let him read this thread, and get his side of the story?
He would agree with everything I said. Honestly. Why lie?
But if he were truly 100% on board with saving for the procedure he wouldn't be spending more than his "allowance" and he would be on board with saving every penny.0 -
Maybe put something up somewhere visible in the house, so you can see where your daily/weekly budget is? Sometimes people don't realize what they spend, and a visual reminder might help.0
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He is 100% on board with wanting to save for IVF. He wants a baby more than anything. We planned this budget together. He Wants to save but ends up spending more money than planned. It is like Losing weight. I want more than anything to tone up and lose weight, I just find it hard to do sometimes. TemptationsWhy not put hubby on the comp, let him read this thread, and get his side of the story?
He would agree with everything I said. Honestly. Why lie?
But if he were truly 100% on board with saving for the procedure he wouldn't be spending more than his "allowance" and he would be on board with saving every penny.
Some people find it very hard to keep to a budget. Even if he tries, he may not be able to deal with as strict of a personal budget as you.0 -
This is the last I'm going to say about the thread drift:
To all you folks doubting my statement about luck or thinking I believe that success should be simply handed to me.
I am a physician who dropped out of residency (and thus can't practice) as a result of health issues after being hit by a drunk driver. It took too long to recover to get back into a program and finish training.
So you can all go screw yourselves about how only hard work and not "luck" (good or bad) plays into success, or about how hard work always pays off. Sometimes it doesn't.
PS: prior to medicine I was an engineer in Silicon Valley. Did I mention my MBA? my bad...
You can always do a residency. I went to school with someone who was deaf and he did an internal medicine residency--got one of those fancy expensive stethoscopes that only he can understand. You may not be able to do surgery but I bet you could do psychiatry. Not all residencies require a healthy body. Hell, you may be able to back into the one you were in with some accommodations (depending on what the specialty was). How hard physically can a derm residency be? You can always have the MA do the biopsy, that is what my derm does.0 -
I personally would rather save for a year and pay cash than have to pay on a credit card/loan with interest and have it take even longer to pay off. If I was in more of a rush time wise, I would probably go that route but seeing I am 31 we'd like to save it up and pay cash.
Our insurance will pay a one time $5,000.00 towards IVF. They do offer a third party loan. We dont really want to go that route as there will be interest (probably high) To be honest, I dont really want to go abroad for IVF though it may be cheaper. Congrats on your daughter! Babies truly are miracles! Thanks!Does your fertility clinic offer payment plans? Many of them do. They typically use a third party to manage these. I haven't read most suggestions but agree with pps that setting up an automatic deduction would be useful, or simply putting it on a credit card and paying it off over time. Explore cheaper options such as going abroad (seriously, many find it's worth it to go to Czechoslovakia--still cheaper even with plane tickets and hotels) or even moving to a state and/or job that covers it, even partially, through insurance.
We did IVF and I'm typing this while my baby daughter naps. It was worth every penny. We were lucky in that my insurance covered part of it and we had savings already to cover the rest. But it's a difficult financial burden nonetheless and I wish you all the luck in the world!
As I mentioned, I went that route but mine is cheaper because we're military. I would pay my CC about $200-500/month and only took me 1.5 yr to pay off. I have to say, if I'm ever going to pay interest on anything, this is the one thing in this world that's totally worth it.0 -
We've been trying for 4.5 years. meds/shots 6 months, IUI 3 months. Yeah, I am suprised they never did a HSG.? Its not 100% that his chromosome deletion is causing the sperm count/ motility. They can't find a for sure definate reason for the poor quality of sperm. They are "guessing" its the chromosome issue
Thank you for this. He has had genetic testing. He has a micro deletion in his Y Chromosome which they are assuming is the cause for the low sperm count / motility. As far as we know, nothing wrong with me. I ovulate, grow follicles, ect. I haven't done an HSG or anything yet. THat will be required prior to IVF.Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Sadly, in many situations adoption is even more expensive than ivf, if you are looking to adopt an infant or toddler.
add: Have you had genetic counseling to know the reasons for your infertility issues?
if the infertility is due to you having antibodies that could cause spontaneous abortions so you are unlikely to carry to term, or if your issue is hereditary rather than acquired (acquired eg: tube-scarring caused by a past bacterial infection (some STD's can do this to women and to men)), then you may want to look into adopting even if it is more expensive.
The reasons are, if you have antibody problems, then every pregnancy, even ivf, is a risk to both your life and the baby's. And if you have a hereditary fertility problem, then you are just passing your fertility problem on to the next generation (because we don't yet have a way to 'discriminate' between genes to make sure the bad gene isn't hiding in the egg or sperm used in the ivf).
How in the world have you gone through 4.5 years of IF without an HSG?? Get your tubes blown out!
Are they sure the chromosome issue is causing the low count AND the motility? Could there be another cause for the poor motility?
Has he had a physical exam or testicular ultrasound, or just semen analyses?0 -
If I was you, I would stop talking/nagging about money issues and IVF , completely.
Actions speak louder than words.
If he brings either topic up, just answer with the least possible response.
He will figure it out.
Not knowing your financial situation, I am guessing that there are may other expenses you both have that could be reduced, that list is long but most can't "change" what they are comfortable with. Housing, cars, entertainment, travel, gadgets ,etc.
100 a week is $14 and change a day. That does not buy much ? coffee ? couple beers ? lunch ? whatever.
Good luck and hang in there....0 -
Maybe put something up somewhere visible in the house, so you can see where your daily/weekly budget is? Sometimes people don't realize what they spend, and a visual reminder might help.
I like this. A nice graphic with dollars saved and months til goal. Hang it on the fridge and never mention it again. He can make his decisions based on your progress.0 -
I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
The important thing is that you understand budgets are this tight for a great many people in the US--and even tighter in some other parts of the world.
If you can spend more freely, by all means enjoy your good fortune (pun intended)--but keep compassion for those who can't.
There has been a social tendency in the US lately to "blame" people for their lack of "success" financially, attributing moral faults like "lazyness" etc. which really are not true. Whatever your situation, keep in mind that success means hard work and preparedness, but *also* requires luck.
As an explicit example of luck being required for "success", I once had opportunity to talk with a physician/professor who was on the admissions board of a major medical school. She told me that there are 5 times the number of qualified applicants each year than slots in US medical schools. This means that after they have winnowed down the pool to the group of all people who would be equally good doctors after training, they must still reject 4 out of 5 of them, and that sometimes it felt like their decisions were like throwing darts at a board or picking cards from a pile at random. This means, from the applicant's standpoint, that the applicant could do everything "right" in their academic career--and still have a 4 out of 5 chance of failing to get into any med school at all. These are certainly not lazy or stupid people, and their "failure" to enter that career boils down to sheer unfavorable luck.
So--if you have $100 to spend on a day at the spa, please enjoy the hell out of it for yourself and for all those who can't afford it. And be kind to those who can't afford it.
And if you are ever in a position to give a deserving person the luck element they need, I hope you will jump at the chance to empower them.
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Why not put hubby on the comp, let him read this thread, and get his side of the story?
He would agree with everything I said. Honestly. Why lie?
But if he were truly 100% on board with saving for the procedure he wouldn't be spending more than his "allowance" and he would be on board with saving every penny.
Not everyone can manage their money as well as you might.0 -
Maybe put something up somewhere visible in the house, so you can see where your daily/weekly budget is? Sometimes people don't realize what they spend, and a visual reminder might help.
I like this. A nice graphic with dollars saved and months til goal. Hang it on the fridge and never mention it again. He can make his decisions based on your progress.
I like this idea also. Because he doesn't deal with the finances, maybe he isn't 100% sure of how much money he is spending on frivolous things. He may benefit from a visual display of your finances and realize how much money could be saved and put toward IVF if he stopped buying as much alcohol or chewing tobacco or playing golf frequently.0 -
You should probably work out your marital problems first.0
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If I was you, I would stop talking/nagging about money issues and IVF , completely.
Actions speak louder than words.
If he brings either topic up, just answer with the least possible response.
He will figure it out.
This is exactly the right thing to do.
If you want a divorce.
He's a bloke he won't "figure it out" and even if he understands the faint signals and hints he won't appreciate this childish way of dealing with issues.0 -
You should probably work out your marital problems first.
They don't have marital problems. They have a very wonderful marriage.0 -
Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Thats what I said. It got ignored by the OP
Because it's rude, and ignorant....Why should infertile people be chastised for wanting biological babies, and doing what they have to do to try and get them?
^SO MUCH THIS.
Cali, go back and read my response on page 7.
I quoted with the 'ignored' part.
My original suggestion of adoption was more tactful.
As I said previously, I'm not anti-IVF. I suggested adoption because not everyone thinks of it. And the OP addressed it, adoption is next if IVF doesn't work. Or they may adopt even if it does.
Yeah, regardless, unless you're their doctor or therapist, I think it's rude and tactless to suggest adoption to someone dealing with IF. It's not a big deal. I say rude sh1t all the time without thinking about it, and I know that most people who have never dealt with IF probably don't see why it's insensitive. Which is why I agreed when it was pointed out. But I don't want to debate it or anything. It's impolite, even if the OP is super gracious and wasn't bothered by it.
Exactly.0 -
I hope you have done research on IVF. There's no guarantee with this process, in fact most end in miscarriage or several before or if it actually works.
good luck0 -
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Maybe he's not actually on board as you are, but loves you so much he's afraid to lose you if he indicates otherwise. Slipping up on your diet once in a while isn't going to sabotage the long term results, yet in your opening post you said you feel he's doing it constantly. If he "wants a baby more than anything", you'd be on the same page...or at least the same chapter.
He is 100% on board with wanting to save for IVF. He wants a baby more than anything. We planned this budget together. He Wants to save but ends up spending more money than planned. It is like Losing weight. I want more than anything to tone up and lose weight, I just find it hard to do sometimes. TemptationsWhy not put hubby on the comp, let him read this thread, and get his side of the story?
He would agree with everything I said. Honestly. Why lie?
But if he were truly 100% on board with saving for the procedure he wouldn't be spending more than his "allowance" and he would be on board with saving every penny.0 -
I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
This is awful advice.
Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.0 -
I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
This is awful advice.
Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.
No, my advice wasn't awful.
There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.
Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.0 -
That last sentence sums up everything nicely.0
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I am trying to wrap my head around how $100/week is "a crazy amount" of money?:noway: I could blow through more than $100 in just one DAY.
And I am also with the "you're not ready for this" group.
This.
If you're scraping by where $100/week makes a significant difference in your savings, bringing a child into the mix isn't gonna help the situation.0 -
I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
This is awful advice.
Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.
No, my advice wasn't awful.
There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.
Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.
Well, I agree with your last sentence. The rest of it, we'll have to agree to disagree.0 -
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