Nagging about saving money for IVF
Replies
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This is the last I'm going to say about the thread drift:
To all you folks doubting my statement about luck or thinking I believe that success should be simply handed to me.
I am a physician who dropped out of residency (and thus can't practice) as a result of health issues after being hit by a drunk driver. It took too long to recover to get back into a program and finish training.
So you can all go screw yourselves about how only hard work and not "luck" (good or bad) plays into success, or about how hard work always pays off. Sometimes it doesn't.
PS: prior to medicine I was an engineer in Silicon Valley. Did I mention my MBA? my bad...
I'm sorry. Your point was what?
PS: Am I supposed to be impressed by your MBA? As long as you're throwing letters out, my husband is a PE.0 -
Wow. The thread crapping is mighty in this one.0
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This is the last I'm going to say about the thread drift:
To all you folks doubting my statement about luck or thinking I believe that success should be simply handed to me.
I am a physician who dropped out of residency (and thus can't practice) as a result of health issues after being hit by a drunk driver. It took too long to recover to get back into a program and finish training.
So you can all go screw yourselves about how only hard work and not "luck" (good or bad) plays into success, or about how hard work always pays off. Sometimes it doesn't.
PS: prior to medicine I was an engineer in Silicon Valley. Did I mention my MBA? my bad...
how come you can't be an engineer anymore? you said you took too long recovering to finish becoming a doctor, do health problems keep you from working now as well?0 -
This is the last I'm going to say about the thread drift:
To all you folks doubting my statement about luck or thinking I believe that success should be simply handed to me.
I am a physician who dropped out of residency (and thus can't practice) as a result of health issues after being hit by a drunk driver. It took too long to recover to get back into a program and finish training.
So you can all go screw yourselves about how only hard work and not "luck" (good or bad) plays into success, or about how hard work always pays off. Sometimes it doesn't.
PS: prior to medicine I was an engineer in Silicon Valley. Did I mention my MBA? my bad...
It sounds like you are kick-*kitten* with some real skills and will be able to pull yourself out of whatever situation you're in. And that will be the result of your hard work.0 -
OP, I hope you find a solution to your problem with your husband. I know a couple that had to go the IVF route and they supplemented it with therapy. The mother couldn't conceive and she continuously blamed herself, which ended up being a big part of the problem.
Five years later, they have beautiful fraternal twins and are enjoying their lives, together, as parents. You just need to find your groove and what works for you.
Your husband likely will not stop spending until you uncover the root cause of why he's prioritizing his spending money over saving for your potential baby. Again, counseling.
Good luck to you both on building your family. :flowerforyou:
Edited for word choice.0 -
This is the last I'm going to say about the thread drift:
To all you folks doubting my statement about luck or thinking I believe that success should be simply handed to me.
I am a physician who dropped out of residency (and thus can't practice) as a result of health issues after being hit by a drunk driver. It took too long to recover to get back into a program and finish training.
So you can all go screw yourselves about how only hard work and not "luck" (good or bad) plays into success, or about how hard work always pays off. Sometimes it doesn't.
PS: prior to medicine I was an engineer in Silicon Valley. Did I mention my MBA? my bad...
You know, I feel sorry for you. Your understanding of life must have been dimmed by your bitterness and inability to observe things as the way they are. Because a bottle of luck didn't get any one anywhere. Hard work did. You can take that MBA and stick it up the hole you've been spewing all this nonsense from.0 -
Have you looked into any medical financing companies? I'm in Canada, and I just used one to finance a surgery that wasn't covered. (Yes, not everything is covered under Canadian medicare.) With that, it's just another bill each month, and you're in control of that, correct?
Here's one: http://www.reliancemedicalfinance.com/0 -
OP, on page 7 someone mentioned a budgetting tool. Theres another called 'mint'. Its a website and a phone app.
You can check that one out as well0 -
This is the last I'm going to say about the thread drift:
To all you folks doubting my statement about luck or thinking I believe that success should be simply handed to me.
I am a physician who dropped out of residency (and thus can't practice) as a result of health issues after being hit by a drunk driver. It took too long to recover to get back into a program and finish training.
So you can all go screw yourselves about how only hard work and not "luck" (good or bad) plays into success, or about how hard work always pays off. Sometimes it doesn't.
PS: prior to medicine I was an engineer in Silicon Valley. Did I mention my MBA? my bad...
Why did you stop being an engineer? Can you tell us more about the health issues that you encountered? How long were you in a coma/incapacitated? What schools did you attend and what was your overall GPA? What science did you take for your gen ed?0 -
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^^^This makes me want to give you a present!I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
The important thing is that you understand budgets are this tight for a great many people in the US--and even tighter in some other parts of the world.
If you can spend more freely, by all means enjoy your good fortune (pun intended)--but keep compassion for those who can't.
There has been a social tendency in the US lately to "blame" people for their lack of "success" financially, attributing moral faults like "lazyness" etc. which really are not true. Whatever your situation, keep in mind that success means hard work and preparedness, but *also* requires luck.
As an explicit example of luck being required for "success", I once had opportunity to talk with a physician/professor who was on the admissions board of a major medical school. She told me that there are 5 times the number of qualified applicants each year than slots in US medical schools. This means that after they have winnowed down the pool to the group of all people who would be equally good doctors after training, they must still reject 4 out of 5 of them, and that sometimes it felt like their decisions were like throwing darts at a board or picking cards from a pile at random. This means, from the applicant's standpoint, that the applicant could do everything "right" in their academic career--and still have a 4 out of 5 chance of failing to get into any med school at all. These are certainly not lazy or stupid people, and their "failure" to enter that career boils down to sheer unfavorable luck.
So--if you have $100 to spend on a day at the spa, please enjoy the hell out of it for yourself and for all those who can't afford it. And be kind to those who can't afford it.
And if you are ever in a position to give a deserving person the luck element they need, I hope you will jump at the chance to empower them.
Since you're feeling very preachy today, let me throw it back your way...
Here are some really irritating openings:
"Please don't take this personally, but...."
"I don't expect you to understand..."
"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear..."
"Are you sure you're in the right place?"
"You probably won't know the answer to this, but..."
"I'm sure you're not the right person to ask, but..."
"Considering your age..."
"Are those real?"
There are many words for posts like yours. Some that come to mind are presumptuous, condescending, grandstanding, douchebaggery, lecturing, obtuse...
Luck is what you currently are that I'll stop talking to you now... not what I am for being able to spend my money as I see fit.
You know I'll take it
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He is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.
He goes through $100 a week in cash and isn't buying groceries/household items? Does he have a girlfriend?
Ha! No girlfriend. Lol. Alcohol, gas station stuff, golf, ect. He has NO problem spending that 100.00
wait... you said he gets $100 AND a gas card, so wouldn't that gas station stuff fall under the gas card??
And Beer/Alcohol should totally fall under groceries....
No.
Beer goes under "cultural celebrations" unless you're drinking alone.
It also can be re-filed under "Holiday spending", "religious spending" (yes, we drink in my religion) or "vacation" if drinking on vacation.
It's not groceries, though.0 -
Why is this so hard for people?
Sit down a draft a budget for the month. Decide how much you will fund each category, including pocket money for the both of you. Keep the first three to four months fairly loose until you get things dialed in and know how much you typically spend in each category
Include an emergency fund for incidentals.
Review the budget weekly to make sure you are on target and update and adjust as needed.
Some people prefer to spend more freely than others. This can be planned for.
#adultteachingadultshowtoadult0 -
Wait. What does you living in Silicon Valley have to do with anything? You live in a densely populated area and are therefore an expert in luck/finance/success?
I hate to break it to you, but it's not all luck. Some of us put in countless hours of overtime, spent entire meetings licking the boots of our superiors, giving up things in our personal lives, and became tethered to our careers for success.
You may understand what that's like, and yes there is "luck" involved in keeping your job. When my company laid off 200+ people out of the 400-some we had, it wasn't luck that kept me around. It wasn't fate. It was my hard work, willingness to learn, and ability to adapt.
Don't push luck in where it doesn't belong. It has nothing to do with luck.
Exactly! You suck it up when life craps out, keep going harder and make your own success no matter how long it takes. Or, you can get bitter and be the victim playing the blame game - God, fate, luck or whatever else happens to fit.0 -
He is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.
He goes through $100 a week in cash and isn't buying groceries/household items? Does he have a girlfriend?
Ha! No girlfriend. Lol. Alcohol, gas station stuff, golf, ect. He has NO problem spending that 100.00
wait... you said he gets $100 AND a gas card, so wouldn't that gas station stuff fall under the gas card??
And Beer/Alcohol should totally fall under groceries....
No.
Beer goes under "cultural celebrations" unless you're drinking alone.
It also can be re-filed under "Holiday spending", "religious spending" (yes, we drink in my religion) or "vacation" if drinking on vacation.
It's not groceries, though.
I buy it at the grocery store.....It's groceries.0 -
He is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.
He goes through $100 a week in cash and isn't buying groceries/household items? Does he have a girlfriend?
Ha! No girlfriend. Lol. Alcohol, gas station stuff, golf, ect. He has NO problem spending that 100.00
wait... you said he gets $100 AND a gas card, so wouldn't that gas station stuff fall under the gas card??
And Beer/Alcohol should totally fall under groceries....
No.
Beer goes under "cultural celebrations" unless you're drinking alone.
It also can be re-filed under "Holiday spending", "religious spending" (yes, we drink in my religion) or "vacation" if drinking on vacation.
It's not groceries, though.
I buy it at the grocery store.....It's groceries.
Solid logic there. I like it.0 -
Why is this so hard for people?
Sit down a draft a budget for the month. Decide how much you will fund each category, including pocket money for the both of you. Keep the first three to four months fairly loose until you get things dialed in and know how much you typically spend in each category
Include an emergency fund for incidentals.
Review the budget weekly to make sure you are on target and update and adjust as needed.
Some people prefer to spend more freely than others. This can be planned for.
#adultteachingadultshowtoadult
How dare you tell these people a ridiculously simple way to save money that they already should have known!0 -
Why is this so hard for people?
Sit down a draft a budget for the month. Decide how much you will fund each category, including pocket money for the both of you. Keep the first three to four months fairly loose until you get things dialed in and know how much you typically spend in each category
Include an emergency fund for incidentals.
Review the budget weekly to make sure you are on target and update and adjust as needed.
Some people prefer to spend more freely than others. This can be planned for.
#adultteachingadultshowtoadult
I think they did that and he's not living up to his end of the agreement.0 -
He is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.
He goes through $100 a week in cash and isn't buying groceries/household items? Does he have a girlfriend?
Ha! No girlfriend. Lol. Alcohol, gas station stuff, golf, ect. He has NO problem spending that 100.00
wait... you said he gets $100 AND a gas card, so wouldn't that gas station stuff fall under the gas card??
And Beer/Alcohol should totally fall under groceries....
No.
Beer goes under "cultural celebrations" unless you're drinking alone.
It also can be re-filed under "Holiday spending", "religious spending" (yes, we drink in my religion) or "vacation" if drinking on vacation.
It's not groceries, though.
I buy it at the grocery store.....It's groceries.
It's a MACRO.0 -
Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Thats what I said. It got ignored by the OP
Because it's rude, and ignorant....Why should infertile people be chastised for wanting biological babies, and doing what they have to do to try and get them?
^SO MUCH THIS.0 -
I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
The important thing is that you understand budgets are this tight for a great many people in the US--and even tighter in some other parts of the world.
If you can spend more freely, by all means enjoy your good fortune (pun intended)--but keep compassion for those who can't.
There has been a social tendency in the US lately to "blame" people for their lack of "success" financially, attributing moral faults like "lazyness" etc. which really are not true. Whatever your situation, keep in mind that success means hard work and preparedness, but *also* requires luck.
As an explicit example of luck being required for "success", I once had opportunity to talk with a physician/professor who was on the admissions board of a major medical school. She told me that there are 5 times the number of qualified applicants each year than slots in US medical schools. This means that after they have winnowed down the pool to the group of all people who would be equally good doctors after training, they must still reject 4 out of 5 of them, and that sometimes it felt like their decisions were like throwing darts at a board or picking cards from a pile at random. This means, from the applicant's standpoint, that the applicant could do everything "right" in their academic career--and still have a 4 out of 5 chance of failing to get into any med school at all. These are certainly not lazy or stupid people, and their "failure" to enter that career boils down to sheer unfavorable luck.
So--if you have $100 to spend on a day at the spa, please enjoy the hell out of it for yourself and for all those who can't afford it. And be kind to those who can't afford it.
And if you are ever in a position to give a deserving person the luck element they need, I hope you will jump at the chance to empower them.
Um, no. Success does not require a bit of "luck". People are successful because they work HARD at it. They work 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week. They put all their time, effort and energy into making whatever it is they are doing work.
So much this. I hate it when people say "oh you're so lucky to have a good job"
What the hell ever. It came after working my *kitten* off for years, and I never, EVER have time to do anything, becuase I'm always at work. That's not luck. People that think it's luck are the people that think if they wait around, a good job will just come to them.
I feel lucky to have a good job.
Yes, I work hard at it, but there was a time when I was an over-qualified Wal-mart employee because good jobs are hard to get now-a-days.
Now I have my good job back, and I count my luck and blessings almost daily for it.0 -
If he is always over spending then his pocket money isn't sufficient or they aren't doing a budget together.
I skipped most of the thread but it sounds like she deals with the finances.0 -
What is kind of funny is that financial issues are no different than fitness ones really. If your spending goes over what you have budgeted you will go into debt (or in this case not be able to save), just like you go over the calories you have budgeted you will gain weight. I find it very interesting that some people can be super disciplined in one area, but suck at the other. As far as money goes, I could go forever sticking to that budget and never go over... but I am not as successful with food.
Just like fitness though, you can't nag someone into getting into being financially fit. They will either want to change themselves and dig down and find the discipline to do it or they won't.
And this, big time. You have to want to do it. And not just say you want to, but want to enough that everyday, you wake up and make the choice to save your money. If you don't have a budgeting app, get one. Get it set up with info for the last few months and then show him the pie charts and graphs so you can both see where your money is going and what is preventing you from saving.0 -
OP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.0
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Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Thats what I said. It got ignored by the OP
Because it's rude, and ignorant....Why should infertile people be chastised for wanting biological babies, and doing what they have to do to try and get them?
^SO MUCH THIS.
Cali, go back and read my response on page 7.
I quoted with the 'ignored' part.
My original suggestion of adoption was more tactful.
As I said previously, I'm not anti-IVF. I suggested adoption because not everyone thinks of it. And the OP addressed it, adoption is next if IVF doesn't work. Or they may adopt even if it does.0 -
Thank you for this. He has had genetic testing. He has a micro deletion in his Y Chromosome which they are assuming is the cause for the low sperm count / motility. As far as we know, nothing wrong with me. I ovulate, grow follicles, ect. I haven't done an HSG or anything yet. THat will be required prior to IVF.Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Sadly, in many situations adoption is even more expensive than ivf, if you are looking to adopt an infant or toddler.
add: Have you had genetic counseling to know the reasons for your infertility issues?
if the infertility is due to you having antibodies that could cause spontaneous abortions so you are unlikely to carry to term, or if your issue is hereditary rather than acquired (acquired eg: tube-scarring caused by a past bacterial infection (some STD's can do this to women and to men)), then you may want to look into adopting even if it is more expensive.
The reasons are, if you have antibody problems, then every pregnancy, even ivf, is a risk to both your life and the baby's. And if you have a hereditary fertility problem, then you are just passing your fertility problem on to the next generation (because we don't yet have a way to 'discriminate' between genes to make sure the bad gene isn't hiding in the egg or sperm used in the ivf).
How in the world have you gone through 4.5 years of IF without an HSG?? Get your tubes blown out!
Are they sure the chromosome issue is causing the low count AND the motility? Could there be another cause for the poor motility?0 -
Make a thing on gofundme.com, if you have enough exposure I am sure it will help. There has to be a few people out there who are sympathetic towards your situation. Best of luck.0
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Thank you all VERY much! I truly appreciate all the helpful and sincere comments
You are right, I know he feels like it is "his fault" and I am sure he feels like a failure. I try to tell him it's not one person's fault. We are doing this together.
Your husband's seeming denial about the need to save money may arise from him having emotional issues about being 'defective', or concerns about passing on his problem. He may be thinking that IVF is pointless and won't work for him anyway, and be secretly in despair over this--spending the money could be a way to avoid failing by not having IVF work.
This is kind of what I was going to say. I believe this is the problem. Your husband isn't committing to the saving because he isn't committing to the IVF. You are still trying naturally.....He doesn't want to believe he can't do it on his own. Having to go IVF makes him weaker and less of a man. There have to be a lot of emotional issues tied up in that.
That's nice and sweet of you.....And I really do like your attitude. You seem like a nice girl. But nothing you can say is going to really make him feel better about it or accept it really. That is the thing that makes you a man. The very root of it......To not be able to use it the way it is designed.....It has to be hard. Perhaps he would at least consent to talk to a counselor about the emotional issues/scars tied up in it?
Jack, you are wise.
And OP, I truly do wish you the best of luck. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try and have a child of your own.0 -
If he is always over spending then his pocket money isn't sufficient or they aren't doing a budget together.
I skipped most of the thread but it sounds like she deals with the finances.
Correct.0 -
I just want to clarify that feeling lucky to have a job and attributing your success to luck are two entirely different matters.
This thread has completely drifted. I truly hope the OP finds a resolution and gets the opportunity to create the family she wants.0
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