Nagging about saving money for IVF
Replies
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Okay... so first things first, you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about this. You need to tell him that his actions aren't reflecting his desires. You need to ask him if he really wants to have a baby, and be absolutely sure that his response is completely honest. Next, IVF is sort of a last ditch effort. Have you talked to your doctor about your options to treat your infertility? Has he or she told you that this is the only way you will ever have a child? Third, have you explored the possibilities of adoption because there are many, many children in this world that could use a loving home and do not have one?
Lastly, if after all that, you come back to IVF, then you need to make a budget, set up a separate account, determine how much will be deposited in the account weekly/monthly, and agree that neither of you will withdraw from the account until the goal is reached. Make certain that the bank is not the same as your checking, and I would recommend choosing a small bank, like a credit union, that does not have many branches. This would make it harder to withdraw the money.
I realize that most of this has already been suggested to you, but I really needed to emphasize that communication is absolutely key here, and that you need to have covered all your bases.0 -
Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Thats what I said. It got ignored by the OP
Adopting is just as expensive. We would like to try to conceive our own child. If that does not work through IVF we will MOST definately look into adoption. Nothing against adopting a child, I would like to try for my own first.0 -
Thank you for this. He has had genetic testing. He has a micro deletion in his Y Chromosome which they are assuming is the cause for the low sperm count / motility. As far as we know, nothing wrong with me. I ovulate, grow follicles, ect. I haven't done an HSG or anything yet. THat will be required prior to IVF.Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Sadly, in many situations adoption is even more expensive than ivf, if you are looking to adopt an infant or toddler.
add: Have you had genetic counseling to know the reasons for your infertility issues?
if the infertility is due to you having antibodies that could cause spontaneous abortions so you are unlikely to carry to term, or if your issue is hereditary rather than acquired (acquired eg: tube-scarring caused by a past bacterial infection (some STD's can do this to women and to men)), then you may want to look into adopting even if it is more expensive.
The reasons are, if you have antibody problems, then every pregnancy, even ivf, is a risk to both your life and the baby's. And if you have a hereditary fertility problem, then you are just passing your fertility problem on to the next generation (because we don't yet have a way to 'discriminate' between genes to make sure the bad gene isn't hiding in the egg or sperm used in the ivf).0 -
The other thing is, if he can't save money now for the IVF, how is he going to handle not being able to play with money because it has been or must be spent on the kid's needs?
Depending on your situation you may be able to finance IVF with a loan. You may also be able to work out a payment plan with the doc's office.
Have you tried artificial insemination? If he has issues with his vas deferens or with sperm motility (that is, the little buggers are present but can't get from balls to egg), maybe a simple AI procedure would get you pregnant at lower cost than full-out ivf?0 -
Thank you for this. He has had genetic testing. He has a micro deletion in his Y Chromosome which they are assuming is the cause for the low sperm count / motility. As far as we know, nothing wrong with me. I ovulate, grow follicles, ect. I haven't done an HSG or anything yet. THat will be required prior to IVF.Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Sadly, in many situations adoption is even more expensive than ivf, if you are looking to adopt an infant or toddler.
add: Have you had genetic counseling to know the reasons for your infertility issues?
if the infertility is due to you having antibodies that could cause spontaneous abortions so you are unlikely to carry to term, or if your issue is hereditary rather than acquired (acquired eg: tube-scarring caused by a past bacterial infection (some STD's can do this to women and to men)), then you may want to look into adopting even if it is more expensive.
The reasons are, if you have antibody problems, then every pregnancy, even ivf, is a risk to both your life and the baby's. And if you have a hereditary fertility problem, then you are just passing your fertility problem on to the next generation (because we don't yet have a way to 'discriminate' between genes to make sure the bad gene isn't hiding in the egg or sperm used in the ivf).
Is he terribly opposed to a sperm bank, then? It's significantly cheaper than IVF.0 -
Talk to him.
If you can't trust him on stuff like this, your future, a family, your finances, do you really want to keep moving forward with him?
Oh, I trust him 100%. He just likes to spend money. He wants to save (which is why he gave himself an allowance) but he also likes to spend. I will Never Leave him.0 -
Break up0
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Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Thats what I said. It got ignored by the OP
Adopting is just as expensive. We would like to try to conceive our own child. If that does not work through IVF we will MOST definately look into adoption. Nothing against adopting a child, I would like to try for my own first.
How many times are you willing to try and how much money are you willing to spend? I had neighbors who spent over 40K on IVF before they finally conceived. How are you going to pay for repeated procedures and the if that doesn't work for adoption when he's not willing to save money?
Wait a second. Shouldn't this be covered under Obamacare? I mean if old ladies have to have insurance that includes prenatal care then surely IVF is covered too!0 -
Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Sadly, in many situations adoption is even more expensive than ivf, if you are looking to adopt an infant or toddler.
I am fairly certain the average cost for adoption is higher than the average cost for IVF. On the other hand, you are probably less likely to spend all of that money and come away empty-handed.
We wont leave empty handed after IVF. We will either have a child (or hopefully 2) or we get 90% of our money back if it doesn't happen after three times. This is a one time 21,000.00 and we get three tries. Actually pretty good warranty program0 -
Talk to him.
If you can't trust him on stuff like this, your future, a family, your finances, do you really want to keep moving forward with him?
Oh, I trust him 100%. He just likes to spend money. He wants to save (which is why he gave himself an allowance) but he also likes to spend. I will Never Leave him.
My only other suggestion is Spenders Anonymous.
http://www.spenders.org/0 -
or or or or maybe just don't have kids and enjoy the extra money and freedom0
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Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Sadly, in many situations adoption is even more expensive than ivf, if you are looking to adopt an infant or toddler.
I am fairly certain the average cost for adoption is higher than the average cost for IVF. On the other hand, you are probably less likely to spend all of that money and come away empty-handed.
We wont leave empty handed after IVF. We will either have a child (or hopefully 2) or we get 90% of our money back if it doesn't happen after three times. This is a one time 21,000.00 and we get three tries. Actually pretty good warranty program
That is a great program. Our clinic offered nothing like it. I think they offered a multi-attempt program, but with no money back if it failed. Although, even the multi-attempt program wouldn't have been allowed for us due to the medical issue that was involved.0 -
or or or or maybe just don't have kids and enjoy the extra money and freedom
OP states theyve been trying for 4.5 years. Seems like they're pretty determined so I dont think they'll walk away without a child - either IVF or adoption (she confirmed above btw)0 -
I have ING Direct accounts with an automatic transfer for special purposes like vacations and a new car. I can transfer the money at any time but it's an extra step and takes a couple of days to land in my account so it psychologically harder to spend.
^^^I do this too! My husband doesn't want to be involved in our finances. When I mention his spending habits, he get very defensive (married 38 years). He panics and says he needs to find a job, but never looks. Daughters number two is just like him. She gets good deals on clothes, but she has two closets filled.0 -
Thank you for this. He has had genetic testing. He has a micro deletion in his Y Chromosome which they are assuming is the cause for the low sperm count / motility. As far as we know, nothing wrong with me. I ovulate, grow follicles, ect. I haven't done an HSG or anything yet. THat will be required prior to IVF.Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Sadly, in many situations adoption is even more expensive than ivf, if you are looking to adopt an infant or toddler.
add: Have you had genetic counseling to know the reasons for your infertility issues?
if the infertility is due to you having antibodies that could cause spontaneous abortions so you are unlikely to carry to term, or if your issue is hereditary rather than acquired (acquired eg: tube-scarring caused by a past bacterial infection (some STD's can do this to women and to men)), then you may want to look into adopting even if it is more expensive.
The reasons are, if you have antibody problems, then every pregnancy, even ivf, is a risk to both your life and the baby's. And if you have a hereditary fertility problem, then you are just passing your fertility problem on to the next generation (because we don't yet have a way to 'discriminate' between genes to make sure the bad gene isn't hiding in the egg or sperm used in the ivf).
Ok. This means if you have a male child then he will suffer the same issues as your husband when he grows up, unless technology for fertility issues improves before then.
Since you are okay, you could ask your doc whether AI would work in your case, to save money.
Your husband's seeming denial about the need to save money may arise from him having emotional issues about being 'defective', or concerns about passing on his problem. He may be thinking that IVF is pointless and won't work for him anyway, and be secretly in despair over this--spending the money could be a way to avoid failing by not having IVF work.
It is generally assumed to be ethically wrong to select ivf fertilized eggs based on gender. I don't know what laws exist on this topic. But if the technology exists to do so, this would be an ethically valid situation where choosing a female egg (which in the normal case won't have a Y chromosome, so won't carry the defect) is the right thing to do. Gender selection is another thing you can discuss with your docs if you do have a full IVF procedure.
There may also be studies going on about this gender selection, and participation in a study might lower your costs. You'd have to find out what the study risks are before you decide--most likely just that you'd get a boy, but you never know if there would be any other risks to joining a study of that sort.0 -
I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
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divorce is cheaperHe is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.
He goes through $100 a week in cash and isn't buying groceries/household items? Does he have a girlfriend?
My husband goes through WAY more than $100 per week spending money on random crap. In fact, my husband is notoriously $200+ a week spender. Me: like $0. It's ridiculous. Anyone need a husband? I could use an extra $800 a month. :laugh:0 -
I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
This, but without the guilt0 -
I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
Tsk tsk shame on you.0 -
If he's buying chew, you'll probably need that money to treat his throat cancer and rotting gums/teeth0
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I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
Tsk tsk shame on you.
This gif also makes me want to cut bangs again... (In for a $60 haircut).0 -
divorce is cheaperHe is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.
He goes through $100 a week in cash and isn't buying groceries/household items? Does he have a girlfriend?
My husband goes through WAY more than $100 per week spending money on random crap. In fact, my husband is notoriously $200+ a week spender. Me: like $0. It's ridiculous. Anyone need a husband? I could use an extra $800 a month. :laugh:
Mine was only $200 :-P0 -
Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?
Sadly, in many situations adoption is even more expensive than ivf
foster: they pay you0 -
What is kind of funny is that financial issues are no different than fitness ones really. If your spending goes over what you have budgeted you will go into debt (or in this case not be able to save), just like you go over the calories you have budgeted you will gain weight. I find it very interesting that some people can be super disciplined in one area, but suck at the other. As far as money goes, I could go forever sticking to that budget and never go over... but I am not as successful with food.
Just like fitness though, you can't nag someone into getting into being financially fit. They will either want to change themselves and dig down and find the discipline to do it or they won't.
This is a great point! I may have to just stop "nagging" and pay our bills. If he spends more one week, less into savings. I can't stress about it anymore. Our bills will always be paid, just trying to get 21,000 in savings in a year0 -
I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
0 -
What is kind of funny is that financial issues are no different than fitness ones really. If your spending goes over what you have budgeted you will go into debt (or in this case not be able to save), just like you go over the calories you have budgeted you will gain weight. I find it very interesting that some people can be super disciplined in one area, but suck at the other. As far as money goes, I could go forever sticking to that budget and never go over... but I am not as successful with food.
Just like fitness though, you can't nag someone into getting into being financially fit. They will either want to change themselves and dig down and find the discipline to do it or they won't.
This is a great point! I may have to just stop "nagging" and pay our bills. If he spends more one week, less into savings. I can't stress about it anymore. Our bills will always be paid, just trying to get 21,000 in savings in a year
I would also suggest making him taking on the responsibility of paying a bill or two. It's easy to spend when you don't have to concern yourself with the responsibilities of being a grown-up.0 -
divorce is cheaperHe is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.
He goes through $100 a week in cash and isn't buying groceries/household items? Does he have a girlfriend?
My husband goes through WAY more than $100 per week spending money on random crap. In fact, my husband is notoriously $200+ a week spender. Me: like $0. It's ridiculous. Anyone need a husband? I could use an extra $800 a month. :laugh:
Mine was only $200 :-P
Mine was $3500... but I got my kid and 100% of my pension
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So in summary, your husband spends money on beer, golf, chewing tobacco, and playstation games instead of saving up for a child.
Question, does he work?0 -
Sounds good. Thank You! I have had good quality follicles when we did IUI. It's male infertility. Though it could be me too?? But we do know he has issues.
Could be you too??? Have you not had the necessary testing to find out?? I have fertility issues. One of the steps was multiple test on me before my husband was tested.0 -
divorce is cheaperHe is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.
He goes through $100 a week in cash and isn't buying groceries/household items? Does he have a girlfriend?
My husband goes through WAY more than $100 per week spending money on random crap. In fact, my husband is notoriously $200+ a week spender. Me: like $0. It's ridiculous. Anyone need a husband? I could use an extra $800 a month. :laugh:
Mine was only $200 :-P
Your divorce was only $200?!? Wow...0
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