Spare the rod and spoil the child?

foremant86

If hitting a child is oh so effective then why is it that parents who do so have to continue to hit their child day after day, a lot of times for the same exact thing they hit them for before?


You all say children behave better for people who aren't their parents but how does that make sense? You all say your children respect you more because you're not afraid to hit them. Yet my niece and nephew KNOW i won't hit them, no matter what they do, so wouldn't that mean they would actually act out more around me because they don't have to ever fear being hit?

My sister constantly complains about her 4 year old daughter being out of control and her having to hit her sometimes(though she swore up and down she would never hit her kids) yet when I have the kid(and let me tell you i have her kids A LOT, i've actually helped raised them) she doesn't act out and when she does do something bad all i have to do is give her a serious look, tell her to knock it off and she stops dead in her tracks and doesn't do that crap again.

there are so many better ways to raise a kid then Hitting them, it's a shame people are still stuck in their barbaric ways.

Big difference. You're their aunt, not their parent. Who said that parents who spank do so "day after day"? There was a recent study done (read Brene Brown's books on Shame vs. Guilt) and what she discovered was adults who were well disciplined as a child (including spanking) were proud of their parents. They sat around in small groups to discuss it. They would "one up" each other with, "Oh, yeah, well my dad would...." etc. The adults who did not speak up, and who were actually embarrassed were those raised by parents wo did not discipline, or who took the "Let's sit down and discuss why you shouldn't have done that" approach.

seriously? you think that's good that people sitting around high fiving and one upping each other with stories about how their parents hit them? good lord, yea if that doesn't bring happy childhood memories to my mind then i don't know what does!

You guys keep talking about how kids act better with people who aren't their parents and that just goes to prove my point. The children act out around the people who hit them, so what does that tell you?

I grew up getting spanked as well and I gotta tell you I don't sit around telling my friends about what a bang up job my dad did when he got out the belt and hit his 6 children. I don't sit around saying oh yea i totally respected my parents for hitting me, they were so great! As a matter of fact when those stories do come out between my friends they are always filled with hate and disdain for our parents for thinking that hitting us with a belt was a good punishment.

I guess lucky for me I had a mother who always told me the circle of abuse has to be stopped, she's no saint but at least she got that part right.

I sleep well at night knowing my niece and nephew are always happiest when they're with me and I also lose sleep at night knowing how unhappy they are when they talk about how their father hits them.

but i'm done with this debate

brittanyjeanxo

Pffft. I am believer in learning. I used to babysit my nephew and he would constantly whine and cry if I had food and didn't share. One day I had a very hot bowl of soup and was eating it on the couch. He kept trying to put his hand in it, and I told him no, that's hot. So finally, since he wasn't understanding me, I let him stick his little hand right on in. Guess what? He didn't try to touch my food again, and still doesn't with anyone to this day. Now obviously it wasn't hot enough to burn him, or that'd be cruel. Just enough to teach him a lesson. But sometimes there are things that are bad that they can't physically learn not to do, so yeah, spank 'em. I got spanked as a kid, and it certainly didn't make me violent. It taught me that I better clean up my act or I'd get spanked again! My grandma had a switch, which was worse than a belt. Yow! I say, spank them. However, there is one rule to spanking: never spank your child when you're mad. When I would have to spank my nephew (yes, I did have permission from his mother to do so) I would give him warnings first. If he still didn't stop after three, I would tell him to go wait in his room for a spanking. I would then take 2 minutes and calm down, and give him a chance to calm down. Then I would go into the room, explain why I was going to spank him, and if he didn't apologize, best believe he got his spanking. And if you're gonna come back at me with, "That's barbaric, that's child abuse, wah wah wah" save it, because quite frankly I don't care and it won't stop me from giving my kids a good spanking when they need it.

jbdowns35

I believe there are times for physical punishment but i mainly make my son do pushups, jumping jacks & run in place when he has issues.

That's great...I might have to try those I do believe in spanking but not for everything. I don't believe it makes for violent kids / adults. Those that have issues with violence, usually had some extreme abuse as a child...not a smack on the butt.

As a PE teacher I get rather upset with parents that do this for their punishment. You are teaching your kid that fitness is bad and something that do when they do something wrong. I am all for parents finding what works best to punish their kid. However, fitness should be something fun not a form of punishment. In my class if a kid does something wrong the have to sit out and watch everyone else play. It is way more effective than to make them do push ups (even if they aren't my kid).

To answer the question about spanking though...I do believe in spanking when it is needed but not as normal form of punishment. My son is 9 and I think I have spanked him 3 times. I always explain why the situation happened and he then has to explain back to me what was wrong about what he did. Normally time out or taking away video games/toys/tv works best in our house.

There's nothing fun about the way fitness is taught in schools. I am quite a naturally fit person, but I spent 15 years of school (from 3-18) absolutely HATING PE with every fibre of my being. I would come up with any excuse to avoid it, even though I was also rowing 6 days a week, and doing weight training, and was one of the fittest people in my year, of either sex.

I agree, I never met a teenager that didn't try to get out of gym. You're doing them a favor by letting them sit out of class. I'm a fit & active person too, my kids were taught that health & fitness were good things & they were physically active as a way to stay healthy & for fun & recreation, still are. Sometimes, when they got into trouble for minor stuff I'd make them run a few laps around the neighborhood or do pushups, usually they were mis-behavining due to pent up energy. If they got into more serious trouble, then other forms of punishment would come into play, I think the punishment should fit the crime as much as possible.

angryguy77

If hitting a child is oh so effective then why is it that parents who do so have to continue to hit their child day after day, a lot of times for the same exact thing they hit them for before?


You all say children behave better for people who aren't their parents but how does that make sense? You all say your children respect you more because you're not afraid to hit them. Yet my niece and nephew KNOW i won't hit them, no matter what they do, so wouldn't that mean they would actually act out more around me because they don't have to ever fear being hit?

My sister constantly complains about her 4 year old daughter being out of control and her having to hit her sometimes(though she swore up and down she would never hit her kids) yet when I have the kid(and let me tell you i have her kids A LOT, i've actually helped raised them) she doesn't act out and when she does do something bad all i have to do is give her a serious look, tell her to knock it off and she stops dead in her tracks and doesn't do that crap again.

there are so many better ways to raise a kid then Hitting them, it's a shame people are still stuck in their barbaric ways.

Big difference. You're their aunt, not their parent. Who said that parents who spank do so "day after day"? There was a recent study done (read Brene Brown's books on Shame vs. Guilt) and what she discovered was adults who were well disciplined as a child (including spanking) were proud of their parents. They sat around in small groups to discuss it. They would "one up" each other with, "Oh, yeah, well my dad would...." etc. The adults who did not speak up, and who were actually embarrassed were those raised by parents wo did not discipline, or who took the "Let's sit down and discuss why you shouldn't have done that" approach.

seriously? you think that's good that people sitting around high fiving and one upping each other with stories about how their parents hit them? good lord, yea if that doesn't bring happy childhood memories to my mind then i don't know what does!

You guys keep talking about how kids act better with people who aren't their parents and that just goes to prove my point. The children act out around the people who hit them, so what does that tell you?

I grew up getting spanked as well and I gotta tell you I don't sit around telling my friends about what a bang up job my dad did when he got out the belt and hit his 6 children. I don't sit around saying oh yea i totally respected my parents for hitting me, they were so great! As a matter of fact when those stories do come out between my friends they are always filled with hate and disdain for our parents for thinking that hitting us with a belt was a good punishment.

I guess lucky for me I had a mother who always told me the circle of abuse has to be stopped, she's no saint but at least she got that part right.

I sleep well at night knowing my niece and nephew are always happiest when they're with me and I also lose sleep at night knowing how unhappy they are when they talk about how their father hits them.

but i'm done with this debate

I'm going to guess that you are more of a friend to them than an adult. I'd like to know how much you let them get away with and how much you stick to your guns with whatever kind of discipline you use. Kids don't need friends, they need parents.

BrettPGH

If we're going to talk science and research (which we should, everything else in this thread is just anecdotal evidence and has little meaning) let's link to the actual studies and not just quote from memory.

Because if you do look at the research, from non-biased sources, you won't read anything like that. "People who were never spanked were embarrassed of their parents".. you should be embarrassed to have posted that.

http://www.parentingscience.com/spanking-children.html <-- link to actual studies by phd scientists studying the affects of spanking on children around the world.

I'm not embarrassed that I posted it. I attended a seminar with the lady who did the study. She traveled around the country and got the same results.

Since I don't know who the lady was or anything about her research methods or studies I can safely say I'll stick with the evidence found by scientists studying the matter. You can verify the findings and all the research by clicking the link I provided. All you're giving me is your opinion and a story about a "lady".

I am sure there are studies out there to back up the sky is green.

Point being, there are documented studies to back up every single opinion and idea, nothing is "un biased"

You're wrong and I never have a good opinion about people who disrespect science while they're on the internet.

boomboom011

im going to add 1 more comment and then im going to duck and cover. If you have a kid that is completely out of control it is not the kid. With that said I realize there are exceptions. But before you go saying your kid has something wrong with them or whatever take a look in the mirror first.

Also, in my home you dont get rewards for what you are supposed to do. You get rewarded for going above and beyond like when I dont actually have to ask you to do something and you just do it out of the kindness of your own heart.

You need to raise your kids to be able to go out and be productive members of society. They need to learn to deal with disappointment cause there is a lot of it.

I also dont owe my kids any explainations. They know the rules and the consequences. Thats the discussion. They know what they did when they did it to get what they got when they got it. Ask them. They will tell you and i have no doubt in my mind that my kids both know that i will go up to bat for them any time any where and if you mess with my babies I will deal with you accordingly. So make no mistake just because i spank my kids/discipline them that I dont love them you are sadly mistaken. But i will not tolerate disrespectful unruly minors. When you are out of MY house paying your own rent and bills do whatever you want. Oh and dont think for one minute that if YOUR kids were at my house acting like that something wont be said cause it aint happening. Kids in our neighborhood know they will get called out and sent their *kitten* home if they misbehave at my house. Kids normally are well behaved, not because of fear but because we dont tolerate it and they know it from jump street.

foremant86

If hitting a child is oh so effective then why is it that parents who do so have to continue to hit their child day after day, a lot of times for the same exact thing they hit them for before?


You all say children behave better for people who aren't their parents but how does that make sense? You all say your children respect you more because you're not afraid to hit them. Yet my niece and nephew KNOW i won't hit them, no matter what they do, so wouldn't that mean they would actually act out more around me because they don't have to ever fear being hit?

My sister constantly complains about her 4 year old daughter being out of control and her having to hit her sometimes(though she swore up and down she would never hit her kids) yet when I have the kid(and let me tell you i have her kids A LOT, i've actually helped raised them) she doesn't act out and when she does do something bad all i have to do is give her a serious look, tell her to knock it off and she stops dead in her tracks and doesn't do that crap again.

there are so many better ways to raise a kid then Hitting them, it's a shame people are still stuck in their barbaric ways.

Big difference. You're their aunt, not their parent. Who said that parents who spank do so "day after day"? There was a recent study done (read Brene Brown's books on Shame vs. Guilt) and what she discovered was adults who were well disciplined as a child (including spanking) were proud of their parents. They sat around in small groups to discuss it. They would "one up" each other with, "Oh, yeah, well my dad would...." etc. The adults who did not speak up, and who were actually embarrassed were those raised by parents wo did not discipline, or who took the "Let's sit down and discuss why you shouldn't have done that" approach.

seriously? you think that's good that people sitting around high fiving and one upping each other with stories about how their parents hit them? good lord, yea if that doesn't bring happy childhood memories to my mind then i don't know what does!

You guys keep talking about how kids act better with people who aren't their parents and that just goes to prove my point. The children act out around the people who hit them, so what does that tell you?

I grew up getting spanked as well and I gotta tell you I don't sit around telling my friends about what a bang up job my dad did when he got out the belt and hit his 6 children. I don't sit around saying oh yea i totally respected my parents for hitting me, they were so great! As a matter of fact when those stories do come out between my friends they are always filled with hate and disdain for our parents for thinking that hitting us with a belt was a good punishment.

I guess lucky for me I had a mother who always told me the circle of abuse has to be stopped, she's no saint but at least she got that part right.

I sleep well at night knowing my niece and nephew are always happiest when they're with me and I also lose sleep at night knowing how unhappy they are when they talk about how their father hits them.

but i'm done with this debate

I'm going to guess that you are more of a friend to them than an adult. I'd like to know how much you let them get away with and how much you stick to your guns with whatever kind of discipline you use. Kids don't need friends, they need parents.

You know what they say when you assume something...

They don't get away with a single thing around here, i'm very serious about teaching them respect.

They do however get away with everything under the sun around their parents until they get so mad then they hit them.

BerryH

My old dad was talking about this the other day. He spanked me once only and said "When I saw the red mark on the back of your little legs I knew I'd never do it again. Spanking only benefits the angry parent, not the child."

proctorgirl07

But, I was spanked as a child and it didn't make me violent or teach me it was ok to hit at all. That being said it was always a big deal to get spanked, it wasn't done on the fly. It was almost a ritual both proceeded and follow-uped with a "this is what you did, this why it was wrong, and there are consequences" type of speech.

amen

ItsCasey

Hilarious that there are non-parents on this thread claiming that because kids act perfectly for people who aren't their parents, they don't need to be discplined.

Please. My nephew (almost 2 years old) is an angel when he's around me or his grandparents. When he's around Momy and Daddy, he pushes the limits to see what they will and won't spank him for. This has been happening since the dawn of time.

macpatti

If we're going to talk science and research (which we should, everything else in this thread is just anecdotal evidence and has little meaning) let's link to the actual studies and not just quote from memory.

Because if you do look at the research, from non-biased sources, you won't read anything like that. "People who were never spanked were embarrassed of their parents".. you should be embarrassed to have posted that.

http://www.parentingscience.com/spanking-children.html <-- link to actual studies by phd scientists studying the affects of spanking on children around the world.

I'm not embarrassed that I posted it. I attended a seminar with the lady who did the study. She traveled around the country and got the same results.

Since I don't know who the lady was or anything about her research methods or studies I can safely say I'll stick with the evidence found by scientists studying the matter. You can verify the findings and all the research by clicking the link I provided. All you're giving me is your opinion and a story about a "lady".

I didn't just give a story about some "lady". I have her name and her books and offered them as a reading guide.

lildevil968

I wish my parents spanked me instead of using the forms of punishment like they did. I was pressure washed a few times, and punished with anything my parents had in their hands at the time. With that said, I do spank my children, but only when they really need it. The last time I spanked my daughter was 2 years ago when she ran out in front of a car in the parking lot. My son has yet to be spanked.

macpatti

My old dad was talking about this the other day. He spanked me once only and said "When I saw the red mark on the back of your little legs I knew I'd never do it again. Spanking only benefits the angry parent, not the child."

If he spanked you on the back of your legs and it left a red mark, he didn't do it properly. Spanking benefits the child if done correctly.

meggers123

I believe there are times for physical punishment but i mainly make my son do pushups, jumping jacks & run in place when he has issues.

Awesome idea, Ed!

boomboom011

Hilarious that there are non-parents on this thread claiming that because kids act perfectly for people who aren't their parents, they don't need to be discplined.

Please. My nephew (almost 2 years old) is an angel when he's around me or his grandparents. When he's around Momy and Daddy, he pushes the limits to see what they will and won't spank him for. This has been happening since the dawn of time.

:drinker:

BrettPGH

I didn't just give a story about some "lady". I have her name and her books and offered them as a reading guide.

Then I apologize Patti as I must have missed the post where you named her. Busy thread and all...

deeharley

No kids and frankly, I go back and forth on the whole thing. I see arguments both ways and guess I won't know how I really think unless I have kids.

But, I was spanked as a child and it didn't make me violent or teach me it was ok to hit at all. That being said it was always a big deal to get spanked, it wasn't done on the fly. It was almost a ritual both proceeded and follow-uped with a "this is what you did, this why it was wrong, and there are consequences" type of speech.

Your parents did it right. Spanking is a temporary consequence for wrongdoing until a child is out into the world enough that real consequences set in. If done correctly, the child knows exactly why they were spanked, it stings but does not leave bruises and the child still knows they are loved.

Incidently, that "Spare the rod spoil the child" is a misquote from the Bible, it's "spare the rod, hate the child." I'm sure as many pages as there are on this topic, somone has already pointed that out, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents.

angryguy77

If hitting a child is oh so effective then why is it that parents who do so have to continue to hit their child day after day, a lot of times for the same exact thing they hit them for before?


You all say children behave better for people who aren't their parents but how does that make sense? You all say your children respect you more because you're not afraid to hit them. Yet my niece and nephew KNOW i won't hit them, no matter what they do, so wouldn't that mean they would actually act out more around me because they don't have to ever fear being hit?

My sister constantly complains about her 4 year old daughter being out of control and her having to hit her sometimes(though she swore up and down she would never hit her kids) yet when I have the kid(and let me tell you i have her kids A LOT, i've actually helped raised them) she doesn't act out and when she does do something bad all i have to do is give her a serious look, tell her to knock it off and she stops dead in her tracks and doesn't do that crap again.

there are so many better ways to raise a kid then Hitting them, it's a shame people are still stuck in their barbaric ways.

Big difference. You're their aunt, not their parent. Who said that parents who spank do so "day after day"? There was a recent study done (read Brene Brown's books on Shame vs. Guilt) and what she discovered was adults who were well disciplined as a child (including spanking) were proud of their parents. They sat around in small groups to discuss it. They would "one up" each other with, "Oh, yeah, well my dad would...." etc. The adults who did not speak up, and who were actually embarrassed were those raised by parents wo did not discipline, or who took the "Let's sit down and discuss why you shouldn't have done that" approach.

seriously? you think that's good that people sitting around high fiving and one upping each other with stories about how their parents hit them? good lord, yea if that doesn't bring happy childhood memories to my mind then i don't know what does!

You guys keep talking about how kids act better with people who aren't their parents and that just goes to prove my point. The children act out around the people who hit them, so what does that tell you?

I grew up getting spanked as well and I gotta tell you I don't sit around telling my friends about what a bang up job my dad did when he got out the belt and hit his 6 children. I don't sit around saying oh yea i totally respected my parents for hitting me, they were so great! As a matter of fact when those stories do come out between my friends they are always filled with hate and disdain for our parents for thinking that hitting us with a belt was a good punishment.

I guess lucky for me I had a mother who always told me the circle of abuse has to be stopped, she's no saint but at least she got that part right.

I sleep well at night knowing my niece and nephew are always happiest when they're with me and I also lose sleep at night knowing how unhappy they are when they talk about how their father hits them.

but i'm done with this debate

I'm going to guess that you are more of a friend to them than an adult. I'd like to know how much you let them get away with and how much you stick to your guns with whatever kind of discipline you use. Kids don't need friends, they need parents.

You know what they say when you assume something...

They don't get away with a single thing around here, i'm very serious about teaching them respect.

They do however get away with everything under the sun around their parents until they get so mad then they hit them.

ahhhh thanks.

Reread your statement, it's very myopic to conclude that it's the spanking that is the problem with your nieces parents. It seems their whole method of discipline is screwed up. The problem is not the spanking, it's the fact there are really no parameters in the house. The issue is with their parents, not the spanking.

For the umpteeenth time, spanking is one of many tools a parent should use.

macpatti

I didn't just give a story about some "lady". I have her name and her books and offered them as a reading guide.

Then I apologize Patti as I must have missed the post where you named her. Busy thread and all...

Very busy thread! Apology accepted.

nerdyandilikeit

My mom spanked us when we needed it (as well as time outs, groundings, etc), and I use everything she did with us as a guide to babysitting my little cousins (who are like nephews and niece to me). Consistency is key, and my mom was a rock. My cousin and his wife (parents of said little cousins) act like 12 year olds and they're 8 years older than me! My brother, sister and I were always teased as the 'goody-goodies' of the family, but all three of us are more productive members of society than the rest of my cousins put together because my mom wasn't afraid to give us consequences to our actions.