Spare the rod and spoil the child?

rhodesar

I think I have to clarify one point, that spanking in the UK means taking the pants down and whacking on the bottom, not a smack on the hand.
I'm not defending other punishments either, just talking about spanking. We all can agree to disagree on this one and bring up our kids the way we see fit.
Perhaps kids are generally less respectful these days because quite often they don't have a parent at home full time to install some discipline (in whatever form that may be). Just a thought.

It's just what I believe, hey this parenting business is just guess work most of the time. I think that most children misbehave for a reason and usually for attention. Give kids some of your time and you'll be amazed at how well they behave (and how happy they are).

You're certainly right that there is a lot of guess-work, and trial and error involved. But you must have a reason to believe that spanking is "demeaning and humiliating" but other punishments are not. It's that perspective that I'm curious about.

I believe kids are more often humiliated and demeaned by parents who treat them as if they are unable to reason and make independent decisions. And I believe setting boundaries (which may include spanking) make children feel safe and comfortable in an environment. Yes, I just said that spankings can be a part of a 'safe' environment. I remember being spanked (very rarely) when I misbehaved. It was never a spur of the moment thing, and I always knew it was coming, yet pushed my parents anyway.

It certainly never humiliated or demeaned me. It taught me that my behaviors had consequences, and, looking back, I recognize how hard it is to give that kind of discipline as a parent, and I respect my parents for it.

ritajean3

Where I live smacking with anything but open hand is torture and you can go to jail for it. It is also not ok to smack anywhere but between the bum an knee. And only with open hand. To me this is a smack and my children are smacked when they are doing something very dangerous or when multiple other tactics don't work. I never used to smack but I do now. I actually think I am going to stop because the behavior we started smacking for is gone so it honestly isn't needed

i_love_vinegar

i believe in spanking, but...i don't think its really necessary

i don't have kids, don't plan on ever having kids (maybe will adopt since i love kids, just have no "instinct"). So...this is coming from someone who doesn't have kids. I only threw two temper tantrums as a kids though...and I was never hit.

For instance I threw a temper tantrum because i wanted a toy and my mom left the cart and dragged me out of the store...just saying, start from the get go with discipline like that is my advice from my mom ^.^

ps: i have volunteered 100's of hours with kids tho, and i think the best thing is setting incentives and KEEPING YOUR WORD.
I have a very STRONG vibe, but once kids get to know me, they tend to really like me, and the best thing was being a role model, while treating the kids as equals. Kinda hard to explain, but I think its also really important to let a kid know that their thoughts count, and to find ways to set middle ground from the get go.

veganbaum

im going to add 1 more comment and then im going to duck and cover. If you have a kid that is completely out of control it is not the kid. With that said I realize there are exceptions. But before you go saying your kid has something wrong with them or whatever take a look in the mirror first.

Also, in my home you dont get rewards for what you are supposed to do. You get rewarded for going above and beyond like when I dont actually have to ask you to do something and you just do it out of the kindness of your own heart.

You need to raise your kids to be able to go out and be productive members of society. They need to learn to deal with disappointment cause there is a lot of it.

I also dont owe my kids any explainations. They know the rules and the consequences. Thats the discussion. They know what they did when they did it to get what they got when they got it. Ask them. They will tell you and i have no doubt in my mind that my kids both know that i will go up to bat for them any time any where and if you mess with my babies I will deal with you accordingly. So make no mistake just because i spank my kids/discipline them that I dont love them you are sadly mistaken. But i will not tolerate disrespectful unruly minors. When you are out of MY house paying your own rent and bills do whatever you want. Oh and dont think for one minute that if YOUR kids were at my house acting like that something wont be said cause it aint happening. Kids in our neighborhood know they will get called out and sent their *kitten* home if they misbehave at my house. Kids normally are well behaved, not because of fear but because we dont tolerate it and they know it from jump street.

Umm, why aren't there more parents like you ? Given this and your earlier post, you should be teaching parenting classes to all those parent-friends with horrid children that seem to be everywhere these days.

Kalrez

I won't go so far as to say that I "believe" in spanking. I don't think it's a horrible things when used properly. I think the key is not spanking when you're angry, which is terribly difficult. Spanking when angry leads to more forceful spanks and holds the potential to lets things get out of control. I also think that the child sees the parent as being angry and solving a problem through violence.

The effectiveness and safety of spanking depends a lot on the parent-child relationship, the child's personality, and the family dynamic as a whole. My father only had to spank me ONCE in my life. I was informed of exactly what I had done and why it was wrong. He was not yelling and angry when I was spanked. It was controlled discipline. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that my father still loved me after the spanking.

With my brother, on the other hand, my step-dad yelled at him a lot growing up. He got spanked a lot, over spanked really. After a certain point, spanking is ineffective and serves to only sour the relationship between the parent & child. The whole house was tense when my brother would get spanked. It was so angry, so violent (not child abuse). It hurt me to see and hear him get spanked. It seemed so wrong and inappropriate. I really feel like our family suffered greatly.

I don't feel that ANY apparatus be used when spanking. Ever. It's so hard to judge the power of a spank when you're slinging a belt or switch. The accuracy of your spanks very greatly when using an item. It just seems safer and more personal when using your hand. You are better able to gauge the force with which you spank and are better able to place the spank where you want.

All that being said, I'm not sure if I'll spank my future child. I don't necessarily have a problem with spanking when it is used judiciously. I feel that there are many other effective forms of punishment available that do not involve violence. Spanking would be reserved for occasions when all other forms of punishment have been exhausted.