Free Therapy: Another Open Letter!
Replies
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Dear Local Bomb Squad,
Thank you for your dedication and hard work.
Thank you for detonating the "suspicious package" outside my office building today.
Thank you for doing this (by no choice of your own) at 5pm so I could stay on the clock for about a half hour watching and seeing the coolest thing ever from my bird's eye view on the 11th floor.
But mostly, thank you for putting yourself in harm's way for the good of the public.
:flowerforyou:
Love,
Your Local Citizen
i always wonder whats in these "suspicious packages" ,,, probably a giant box of cadbury cream eggs.... that would be a sad sad day:indifferent:0 -
The cow! I thought she had on a cow bell... How come her head is so big?0
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Dear Local Bomb Squad,
Thank you for your dedication and hard work.
Thank you for detonating the "suspicious package" outside my office building today.
Thank you for doing this (by no choice of your own) at 5pm so I could stay on the clock for about a half hour watching and seeing the coolest thing ever from my bird's eye view on the 11th floor.
But mostly, thank you for putting yourself in harm's way for the good of the public. :flowerforyou:
Love,
Your Local Citizen
i always wonder whats in these "suspicious packages" ,,, probably a giant box of cadbury cream eggs.... that would be a sad sad day:indifferent:
Dear Lauryn's Local Bomb Squad,
If it WAS Cadbury Cream Eggs, please send them to Ohio. I'll PM you my address. :bigsmile:
Thank you,
Chocolate Addict in OH0 -
The cow! I thought she had on a cow bell... How come her head is so big?
Hmm, it's a cow dancing with a stripper pole and you are worried about proportion...
0 -
The cow! I thought she had on a cow bell... How come her head is so big?
If you had udders like that you'd have a big head, too.
0 -
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Dear Lloyd the Cat,
I came home today and you were nowhere to be found. I know you didn't just disappear, and that you are hiding because you know you did something wrong. Otherwise, you would have heard the car door shut and would have been waiting for me at the door to cry for your dinner. I've looked around and still cannot figure out what the hell you did, but I suspect that you tried to attack the garbage can again and I just can't tell because, earlier this week, you already ripped up the tiny strip of the bag that can be seen poking out from under the lid.
I just want to know, how do you like my shiny, new, step-lid garbage can, you little s**t? Nice, huh? Four months and you still have not figured out why you can't knock it over! HAH. Welcome to the world of bungee cords, my little friend.
One day, I'm going to snap and go medieval on your a*s. I saved you from execution by not calling animal control and this is the thanks I get? Don't think I can't take off that collar and call them to come get you, jerk.
I hate cats. :explode:
Truly,
The Guy that Feeds You0 -
Dear Lloyd the Cat,
I came home today and you were nowhere to be found. I know you didn't just disappear, and that you are hiding because you know you did something wrong. Otherwise, you would have heard the car door shut and would have been waiting for me at the door to cry for your dinner. I've looked around and still cannot figure out what the hell you did, but I suspect that you tried to attack the garbage can again and I just can't tell because, earlier this week, you already ripped up the tiny strip of the bag that can be seen poking out from under the lid.
I just want to know, how do you like my shiny, new, step-lid garbage can, you little s**t? Nice, huh? Four months and you still have not figured out why you can't knock it over! HAH. Welcome to the world of bungee cords, my little friend.
One day, I'm going to snap and go medieval on your a*s. I saved you from execution by not calling animal control and this is the thanks I get? Don't think I can't take off that collar and call them to come get you, jerk.
I hate cats. :explode:
Truly,
The Guy that Feeds You
Maybe Heather stole your cat. Bwahahah!0 -
Dear Fellow Driver,
Could you please tell me where you've gotten your extra arm? I see two hands - one holding your cell phone to your ear and one holding your cigarette to your mouth. So please tell me, where'd you get the extra hand that must be holding onto your steering wheel? We were driving 68mph when I saw you. Please tell me you weren't letting the car drive itself?
I have 3 kids and a husband. Having an extra arm or two would be awesome!
Sincerely,
Scared for my life when driving on the same streets as you0 -
To those lovely people on the fifth floor,
Thanks for pulling the fire alarm last night at 1. At least it wasn't 3 and the night before midterms like last time. I'm so grateful that I got to spend 40 minutes outside in my pajama's in the cold.
Love,
The other 400 people in your building0 -
Wow! You witnessed this today?? Jeeze! Thank goodness no one was hurt!! :flowerforyou:Dear Local Bomb Squad,
Thank you for your dedication and hard work.
Thank you for detonating the "suspicious package" outside my office building today.
Thank you for doing this (by no choice of your own) at 5pm so I could stay on the clock for about a half hour watching and seeing the coolest thing ever from my bird's eye view on the 11th floor.
But mostly, thank you for putting yourself in harm's way for the good of the public. :flowerforyou:
Love,
Your Local Citizen
A friend of mine got his degree in checmical engineering and he is now a specialist on the Chicago Swat team hes in the "Bomb squad" I had to buy him a shirt last year for christmas that read on the front "Chicago Swat Bomb Squad" in big bold letters and then on the back it said "If you see me running, TRY to keep up!"
he wears it almost every weekend he loves that shirt! :laugh:
he has a sence of humor especially when it comes to that stuff, his wife doesnt appreciate it though she gets scared when he gets the call... :ohwell: I feel bad for her...
thank God for those guys! all of our civil servants who put their lives on teh line every day!
we should have a civil servant day here on MFP...0 -
To My Wonderful Dog, Kay:
I would like to thank you for helping me open all my mail today. It was really great to get home and find the pieces of my yoga mat all over the floor as well as the box and instructions for my brand-new heart rate monitor. I know that you are very excited about fitness, so excited that you just eat it right up.
I would also like to thank you for then returning the eaten pieces of my yoga mat to me by vomiting all over the floor. It was such a lovely shade of yellow and smelled like freshly mangled roadkill.
I really just don't know what I would do without you and your excitement over my new toys.
Signed- your loving mother (you know, the human who feeds you)
Did you hear about that woman whose dog ate like $400!??? She was finding the bills in pieces!!0 -
Did you hear about that woman whose dog ate like $400!??? She was finding the bills in pieces!!
LOL!
My dog prefers it when I use my money to buy shoes and purses...so that she can then eat those. I better not let her see this post, she may get ideas...0 -
Did you hear about that woman whose dog ate like $400!??? She was finding the bills in pieces!!
LOL!
My dog prefers it when I use my money to buy shoes and purses...so that she can then eat those. I better not let her see this post, she may get ideas...
My dog eats socks & underwear of all shapes & sizes. I think he has a fetish. :grumble:0 -
Did you hear about that woman whose dog ate like $400!??? She was finding the bills in pieces!!
LOL!
My dog prefers it when I use my money to buy shoes and purses...so that she can then eat those. I better not let her see this post, she may get ideas...
My dog eats socks & underwear of all shapes & sizes. I think he has a fetish. :grumble:
At least he doesn't wear the underwear--0 -
Did you hear about that woman whose dog ate like $400!??? She was finding the bills in pieces!!
LOL!
My dog prefers it when I use my money to buy shoes and purses...so that she can then eat those. I better not let her see this post, she may get ideas...
My dog eats socks & underwear of all shapes & sizes. I think he has a fetish. :grumble:
At least he doesn't wear the underwear--
I think he'd look pretty cute in the last pair of Bob The Builder that he ate. :bigsmile:0 -
Dear Lloyd the Cat,
I came home today and you were nowhere to be found. I know you didn't just disappear, and that you are hiding because you know you did something wrong. Otherwise, you would have heard the car door shut and would have been waiting for me at the door to cry for your dinner. I've looked around and still cannot figure out what the hell you did, but I suspect that you tried to attack the garbage can again and I just can't tell because, earlier this week, you already ripped up the tiny strip of the bag that can be seen poking out from under the lid.
I just want to know, how do you like my shiny, new, step-lid garbage can, you little s**t? Nice, huh? Four months and you still have not figured out why you can't knock it over! HAH. Welcome to the world of bungee cords, my little friend.
One day, I'm going to snap and go medieval on your a*s. I saved you from execution by not calling animal control and this is the thanks I get? Don't think I can't take off that collar and call them to come get you, jerk.
I hate cats. :explode:
Truly,
The Guy that Feeds You
Maybe Heather stole your cat. Bwahahah!
maybe i am GOING to! bwahhahahaha! :smokin:0 -
Dear Dave the @ss,
Thank you for being so inconsiderate of everyone in the office. For two days now, you have filled your coffee cup, emptying the pot by 8:30AM. Why don't you have the common sense to make another pot o joe?? You lazy, lazy man! Make more Damn coffee!! :explode: :mad:
Just as an FYI, I need :yawn: coffee past 9.... I'm WAY to much of a :devil: if I don't......
Your very frustrated co-worker,
Cyprianna0 -
Dear Clueless Parents of the Wandering Aimless Teen boys--
How sad it was this morning when this nearly 45 year old woman jogged past your lethargic teens wandering aimlessly on their bikes-- yes, BIKES-- I ran past your sons this day ON THEIR BICYCLES!!
At 11:00 on a beautiful Saturday morning, they had nothing better to do in their lovely long hair than to decide to ride over to the convenience store to (hopefully) buy (and not shoplift) some Coke and gum. Have these boys nothing productive to do on a beautiful day? No chores around the house? No sports-- no basketball they can bounce in their own driveway-- NOTHING? They have nothing to do but meander with no purpose? How very sad--
Know where my teens were last night? In my driveway playing basketball with their friends because it is where I wished them to be. They are not allowed to wander. They are not allowed to meander aimlessly. They're my kids. I'm supposed to be in charge of what they do, where they go, who they're with.
Know where they are now? Helping clean our home. Spring cleaning and all that jazz.
I blame not your knucklehead teens, for they need direction. They need purpose. They need guidance. They need a HAIRCUT. Please, for the sake of your children, know what they're doing, know who they're with, give them something to do, guide them. They're yours for only a short time. They deserve better.
Signed--
A 45 year old woman with a bad hip who just owned your lazy sons!0 -
Dear Clueless Parents of the Wandering Aimless Teen boys--
How sad it was this morning when this nearly 45 year old woman jogged past your lethargic teens wandering aimlessly on their bikes-- yes, BIKES-- I ran past your sons this day ON THEIR BICYCLES!!
At 11:00 on a beautiful Saturday morning, they had nothing better to do in their lovely long hair than to decide to ride over to the convenience store to (hopefully) buy (and not shoplift) some Coke and gum. Have these boys nothing productive to do on a beautiful day? No chores around the house? No sports-- no basketball they can bounce in their own driveway-- NOTHING? They have nothing to do but meander with no purpose? How very sad--
Know where my teens were last night? In my driveway playing basketball with their friends because it is where I wished them to be. They are not allowed to wander. They are not allowed to meander aimlessly. They're my kids. I'm supposed to be in charge of what they do, where they go, who they're with.
Know where they are now? Helping clean our home. Spring cleaning and all that jazz.
I blame not your knucklehead teens, for they need direction. They need purpose. They need guidance. They need a HAIRCUT. Please, for the sake of your children, know what they're doing, know who they're with, give them something to do, guide them. They're yours for only a short time. They deserve better.
Signed--
A 45 year old woman with a bad hip who just owned your lazy sons!
Marla,
This is why I'm glad you are the mom of multiple children, who will grow up to be good people.
This is why I'm glad other people only reproduce once or twice, if we are lucky.
Emphatically signed,
Lauryn0 -
Dear Self,
Let's be frank -- *kitten* is tough right now. Your homelife is all outta control, you can't put two thoughts together coherently, and your job might be axed next week.
But you need to look at what is GOOD right now and get your focus right. You have your health. Your daughter has her health, is beautiful and super smart. You have your family down the road, and if push comes to shove, you can move in with them at a moment's notice. If your job goes, then you will qualify for unemployment, and although those student loan people will harass you to no end, you can handle them (you were once a credit collector yourself, remember?).
The world will not stop turning. Life will not end. Gloom and doom will not take over. Life will still be good. (Getting a little religious, you will always have your eternal salvation, so what more do you truly need? But yes, we all feel we need more than that from 'life', so it's hard to feel happy banking solely on that, because we are small-minded, short-termed viewing, greedy, sinful humans by nature.)
SO. Thus said.
Quit eating like this. Quit trying to choke those emotions with food. Stop FOCUSING on food. Stop reverting to your old ways of self-destruction. While food is better than destroying yourself with sex, drugs, alcohol, or promiscuity, it is still NOT GOOD.
Focus. Refocus. Clean the lens. Get a new one, for Pete's sake.
Life is good. Tough times happen. In the grand scheme of things, this is barely a speed bump as far as "tough times" go.
Self, get your head on straight. You cannot keep doing this. You must learn to live life as it's meant to be lived, not in this horrible state that you bring upon yourself. And if you don't get outta this teenage, melodramatic BS that you are currently in, I'm gonna have to slap you outta it.
Signed,
Yourself0 -
Lauryn,
You are amazing! Look at you for recognizing old habits and taking charge, so good for you! I'm proud of you Lauryn!!!
Lynnie0 -
Dear Lady Who Ran Past Me Today,
The next time you see me riding my bike ALL the way to the store, and you KNOW you are going there too, could you just ask us what we need so I dont have to go ALL THE WAY there???
It is quite annoying when our elders pass us up, and then dont offer to pick up our stuff and pay for it.
Signed,
The Lazy Long Haired Boy On The Bike0 -
Did you hear about that woman whose dog ate like $400!??? She was finding the bills in pieces!!
LOL!
My dog prefers it when I use my money to buy shoes and purses...so that she can then eat those. I better not let her see this post, she may get ideas...
My dog eats socks & underwear of all shapes & sizes. I think he has a fetish. :grumble:
be careful about the socks and underwear! I had a dog die because of this when I was younger! they clog up in their intestines and can't make it through. yuck!0 -
Dear gym owner,
Clearly Alana is the best spinning instructor you have. Please do not disrespect her by not paying her when she does a second class out of the goodness of her own heart.
I could understand if there were only 2 people in the second class but there wasn't. It was full.
Go suck an egg gym owner.
Sincerely,
Mireille0 -
Did you hear about that woman whose dog ate like $400!??? She was finding the bills in pieces!!
LOL!
My dog prefers it when I use my money to buy shoes and purses...so that she can then eat those. I better not let her see this post, she may get ideas...
My dog eats socks & underwear of all shapes & sizes. I think he has a fetish. :grumble:
be careful about the socks and underwear! I had a dog die because of this when I was younger! they clog up in their intestines and can't make it through. yuck!
Oh, Beans knows all about that. How many times did Floyd have to have surgery? (PS... If you'd wipe your bum when you go... It's not as tasty to the dog! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: )0 -
Did you hear about that woman whose dog ate like $400!??? She was finding the bills in pieces!!
LOL!
My dog prefers it when I use my money to buy shoes and purses...so that she can then eat those. I better not let her see this post, she may get ideas...
My dog eats socks & underwear of all shapes & sizes. I think he has a fetish. :grumble:
be careful about the socks and underwear! I had a dog die because of this when I was younger! they clog up in their intestines and can't make it through. yuck!
Oh, Beans knows all about that. How many times did Floyd have to have surgery? (PS... If you'd wipe your bum when you go... It's not as tasty to the dog! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: )
okay TMI. :sick:0 -
Dear Lady Who Ran Past Me Today,
The next time you see me riding my bike ALL the way to the store, and you KNOW you are going there too, could you just ask us what we need so I dont have to go ALL THE WAY there???
It is quite annoying when our elders pass us up, and then dont offer to pick up our stuff and pay for it.
Signed,
The Lazy Long Haired Boy On The Bike
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
BTW - you did look awesome flying past us..
One of the Other Long Haired Boys..0 -
Dear Long-Hair Boys in the car when I was 19,
When I am riding my bike on a one lane road with no sidewalk, and you come by and smack my *kitten* and then I fall off my bike in terror - it is not funny. I could have been killed or seriously injured, and you just kept going. Which was probably smart. If I had gotten your license plate number you would have heard from my uncle the Personal-Injury-Attorney.
Signed,
Yeah, it's a cute *kitten*, but hands off!0 -
Dear awful boss,
I hope when this new company comes in they have the hourly employees take a survey of their bosses and you will be ousted! You have never treated your employees with respect and we do ALL and I mean ALL of your work while you sit on your EVER GROWING FAT *kitten*!!
Signed,
Can't wait until the day you are gone!0
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