Tell loved ones they are overweight this Christmas

capriciousmoon

My grandmother started telling me I was "getting chunky" when I was in middle school and telling both me and my mother that I needed to get more exercise. I thought all the over-sized clothing I got at Christmas was a way of telling me that I was fat. It's only fairly recently that I stopped to think about it and wonder if it was really that bad that I was a size 6 at 14. Maybe I wouldn't even have a weight problem if nobody bothered me about it.

calliope_music

hope my grandma doesn't see this!

"Merry Christmas, you're fat!"

"Thanks, Gram."

castadiva

People KNOW when they are fat. They don't need to be told. And I'm very sympathetic, as I needed to lose about 90 pounds when I started out.

That said, people don't seem to have a clue when their child is fat. Some gentle prodding may be worthwhile when it comes to kids, as I've seen so many, who truly have children who are overweight to obese, honestly think their child is "husky", "solid", but definitely, "not fat".

These kids are being set up for a lifetime of obesity, as studies show that children who are overweight have a much harder time losing weight in adulthood, than those who gained in adulthood.

It's a tricky call with kids, though - many children go through a stage of seeming big and then thin out as they grow. To be honest, I think the only person who should be 'prodding' kids or their parents is their GP or Paediatrician, who will know the child's history and will be best placed to judge whether it's puppy fat or a serious problem. Putting kids on diets can be problematic, both physically and psychologically, and telling a child to lose weight, especially at this time of year, could do horrendous things to their self-esteem - believe me, I speak from experience! They'll be getting enough grief from other kids about their weight - what they need from adults and family is unconditional support.

castadiva

She's had health problems (bone cancer), and lost a leg (above the knee) (she's 23), and exercise is just starting to be really possible again, because her prosthetic is good enough. However, as her brother, and as the only damn person who will say, "Hey, look, you've gained weight this year, I know we talked before about food and diet, but you need to take this **** seriously now", I feel it's a responsibility. I love her, and so I need to make sure she keeps her head out of the sand.

Can I make a suggestion? I know you think she won't take it badly, but as a woman, we're told all the time that our physical appearance is the most important thing. Your sister has clearly gone through a LOT, and dealing with both the physical and emotional challenges of losing part of her leg is likely to have her in a tailspin, even if she's not showing it. Her appearance has changed for good, in a way she can't change back, and that will be very hard to come to terms with.

I would assume that her weight has crept up because she's had very limited mobility. Instead of focusing on her weight, and the negatives that implies, can I suggest that you have a really upbeat, supportive and enthusiastic conversation about the physical activities she can recommence? Maybe you can do some of those things together. If she's able to be active again, it's entirely likely that some of the weight you're worried about will start to come off of its' own accord. If it doesn't, then maybe broach the weight issue, but give it a good chance first - at least three-six months if exercise is only just starting to be possible. If you can be positive about the things she can do, rather than adding to the negatives about her appearance she will almost certainly be experiencing, I think that would be more help, in the long run, and be the act of a really great brother.

harrydresden

Not once do I intend to tell her she's fat. But I do need to tell her her weight's creeping up--maybe she's not noticed, I think we all know that can happen--and she might want to start a healthier lifestyle in the new year.

I'm telling her because I care, and don't want to see her unhappy and unhealthy later in 2012.

You really, truly, honestly believe she hasn't noticed? Good grief. I'm glad you're not *my* brother.

Actually, yes, I do believe she won't quite have noticed that her weight has been CREEPING up. As in, slowly, sometimes hardly noticeable, until you go up a size. We've had a few discussions this year about diet and food and lifestyle and she's always been bloody grateful for the advice. She's been busy with studying, and incredibly busy with getting used to having her full mobility back, so I know she won't have switched back into "I am a normal person, despite the leg" mode, after having had trouble with her prosthetic this year. She's ready to learn to be normal and active again, and I intend to encourage this: she's grateful for the pushing, and has said so.

I love the assumption that I'm going to be telling her she's fat: in fact, she's got a bit of a tummy which she needs to lose, and besides that, if she adopts a healthy lifestyle, then she'll be great and healthy. She just lacks the education to really kick start her own healthier life, and lacks the confidence due to the rest of the family pressing her down a little regarding her disability.

I don't see why it's a problem to say "hey, we've started this discussion earlier in the year, let's finish it now and kick start a new you". She appreciates the care and attention--because nobody else gives it her. We have had conversations about diet and health, and she's not HUGE: just that the weight's been creeping on. HELL, if my weight had been creeping up and I'd been too distracted by life to notice (it happens; it did happen), then I would have loved for someone to give me a heads up.

But, it's always going to be a touchy subject for some, and people are always going to judge and think they know best.
Following previous conversations with my sister, I know she'll appreciate a quiet little word, where we simply talk about how she could benefit from MFP, and make some positive changes, for her health and how she'll feel. And I know she'll got for it, because she just needs a little encouragement and care.

trhjrh06

This is not a good idea. From my personal experience having someone say something is just very hurtful and should never be done. A person who is overweight, knows they are. And the only way they'll change is when they are ready to do it. it has to be their idea and they have to want it.
I had tried many times before to lose weight, well I was never successful. But I am now and will continue to be because I am ready and have realized it's a lifestyle change you have to adapt to and take in.

I can't believe someone would really suggest to tell a loved one they are overweight and especially on Christmas!

AJs_mommy09

Everyone I know who is overweight or obese know that they are. They don't need to be told. Maybe inviting them to join you as an exercise partner or something but to comment on anyone else's weight is just plain rude.

raw_sugar

Telling someone that they are overweight/fat/need to lose weight (no matter how gently) makes you the bad guy(or girl). It really does hurt a lot. Overweight people know that they are overweight, they don't need anybody else to remind them of the fact that they need to lose weight especially not during christmas.

THIS. Just THIS.

If they're not overweight enough to already know it, then they're probably not overweight enough that it's anybody else's damn business.

hjohns65

I love this!!!! I think if people actually hear the words they will be less likely to engorge in front of the family during a big gathering which is also going to help with a less gain over the holiday weekend! I may just like this because I'm a weird person that just needs to be told hey your FAT or chubby, or requests my bf to tell me I need to do an extra 10 or 20 on the treadmill because I'm feeling a little fluffy in the mid section again! I think before this is yelled, there should obviously be some kind of relationship with the person, and discretion should be used while saying it, but if it needs to be said out loud than say it!!!!!!

rmsrws

My hubby is FAT!!!!.......But I don't say you are fat to him. I tell him I am concerned about his health risks and I want to enjoy growing old with him, not me sitting thier watching him die slowly because of choices or lack of choices made now!

Since December 1, 2011 he has lost 14 lbs and started working out ths week!!!!!!

0RESET0

My daughter is seriously over weight. She has been removed from public school because she could not handle the bullying. I see a lot of comments that we overweight people know we have a problem. Trouble is that my Ex is morbidly obese and she has brainwashed my daughter into thinking that "beauty is on the inside" applies to unhealthy people too. I know I am fat. I am working on that. When I have tried talking to my ex about my daughter, all I get is yelled at. When I talk to my ex's mother, she tells me that my daughter is physically active and that she will grow out of it. Sorry, she is 11, "growing out of it" is going to get really hard soon. When I have her for weekends in the summer, I try to take her bike riding with me. I know this is hard on people that aren't used to it. I stopped two years ago when she still couldn't ride a bike without training wheels, at 9! She has no interest in learning. She says that she can walk where she wants to go. I don't get to see my daughter as often as I like and I don't like getting phone calls every time from my ex yelling at me about me talking to my daughter about her weight. I am not allowed to weigh her so I have no idea what her weight is anymore. I do know that when I bought her school clothes last year, I had to but her women's capri pants so that they would fit her waist without being too long. My ex is barely over 5 feet tall and I know my daughter isn't going to get much taller.

My point, there are three pages of responses saying "we already know" and it just hurts feelings. how about a little help for those that are trying to help that have been convinced by their loved ones that they are "fine the way they are". Or should I just suck it up and be supportive when my 11 year old daughter has to shoot up insulin every day?

rml_16

Not once do I intend to tell her she's fat. But I do need to tell her her weight's creeping up--maybe she's not noticed, I think we all know that can happen--and she might want to start a healthier lifestyle in the new year.

I'm telling her because I care, and don't want to see her unhappy and unhealthy later in 2012.

You really, truly, honestly believe she hasn't noticed? Good grief. I'm glad you're not *my* brother.

Actually, yes, I do believe she won't quite have noticed that her weight has been CREEPING up. As in, slowly, sometimes hardly noticeable, until you go up a size. We've had a few discussions this year about diet and food and lifestyle and she's always been bloody grateful for the advice. She's been busy with studying, and incredibly busy with getting used to having her full mobility back, so I know she won't have switched back into "I am a normal person, despite the leg" mode, after having had trouble with her prosthetic this year. She's ready to learn to be normal and active again, and I intend to encourage this: she's grateful for the pushing, and has said so.

I love the assumption that I'm going to be telling her she's fat: in fact, she's got a bit of a tummy which she needs to lose, and besides that, if she adopts a healthy lifestyle, then she'll be great and healthy. She just lacks the education to really kick start her own healthier life, and lacks the confidence due to the rest of the family pressing her down a little regarding her disability.

I don't see why it's a problem to say "hey, we've started this discussion earlier in the year, let's finish it now and kick start a new you". She appreciates the care and attention--because nobody else gives it her. We have had conversations about diet and health, and she's not HUGE: just that the weight's been creeping on. HELL, if my weight had been creeping up and I'd been too distracted by life to notice (it happens; it did happen), then I would have loved for someone to give me a heads up.

But, it's always going to be a touchy subject for some, and people are always going to judge and think they know best.
Following previous conversations with my sister, I know she'll appreciate a quiet little word, where we simply talk about how she could benefit from MFP, and make some positive changes, for her health and how she'll feel. And I know she'll got for it, because she just needs a little encouragement and care.

"You've gained some weight and need to lose it." no matter your intentions, is telling her she's fat.

No matter how slowly it creeps, when your clothes get tight, you notice. She knows she's gained. If she ASKS for your assistance and advice, by all means, give it. Otherwise, leave the poor girl alone! She has enough to deal with.

And you can "educate" her all you want. That won't make her do it.

iuew

i'm very dedicated to weight loss and lifelong maintenance, but it's not my place to comment on someone else's weight. i can't think of a more counterproductive way to help someone.

where i can help is that i have been on most of the different kinds of diets, and i know the positives and negatives of each of them. also, i know of a lot of good resources that i can recommend. but i would never think of giving that kind of advice unless asked first.

when i was heavy, a couple people mentioned my weight gain, and it mostly just put me on the defensive. the exception is a doctor making a comment during a visit; it's their job to do so. but for me, i find it better to only give advice when asked.

rml_16

My daughter is seriously over weight. She has been removed from public school because she could not handle the bullying. I see a lot of comments that we overweight people know we have a problem. Trouble is that my Ex is morbidly obese and she has brainwashed my daughter into thinking that "beauty is on the inside" applies to unhealthy people too. I know I am fat. I am working on that. When I have tried talking to my ex about my daughter, all I get is yelled at. When I talk to my ex's mother, she tells me that my daughter is physically active and that she will grow out of it. Sorry, she is 11, "growing out of it" is going to get really hard soon. When I have her for weekends in the summer, I try to take her bike riding with me. I know this is hard on people that aren't used to it. I stopped two years ago when she still couldn't ride a bike without training wheels, at 9! She has no interest in learning. She says that she can walk where she wants to go. I don't get to see my daughter as often as I like and I don't like getting phone calls every time from my ex yelling at me about me talking to my daughter about her weight. I am not allowed to weigh her so I have no idea what her weight is anymore. I do know that when I bought her school clothes last year, I had to but her women's capri pants so that they would fit her waist without being too long. My ex is barely over 5 feet tall and I know my daughter isn't going to get much taller.

My point, there are three pages of responses saying "we already know" and it just hurts feelings. how about a little help for those that are trying to help that have been convinced by their loved ones that they are "fine the way they are". Or should I just suck it up and be supportive when my 11 year old daughter has to shoot up insulin every day?

First, your 11-year-old child for whom you are responsible is not the same as your adult child/sibling/aunt/uncle/whatever. Apples and oranges.

Second, with an 11-year-old girl, you seriously need to tread carefully to avoid turning a too-fat child into an either morbidly obese child (and yes, I HAVE seen this happen where bugging the kid makes it worse) or create bulimia or anorexia because even her own father doesn't love her because of her weight (I know that's not true, but it's how she'll take it if you approach it wrong).

Marig0ld

I love this!!!! I think if people actually hear the words they will be less likely to engorge in front of the family during a big gathering which is also going to help with a less gain over the holiday weekend! I may just like this because I'm a weird person that just needs to be told hey your FAT or chubby, or requests my bf to tell me I need to do an extra 10 or 20 on the treadmill because I'm feeling a little fluffy in the mid section again! I think before this is yelled, there should obviously be some kind of relationship with the person, and discretion should be used while saying it, but if it needs to be said out loud than say it!!!!!!

Perfect! So that person can feel ostracized and munch on carrots sticks while everyone else gorges themselves on cakes, pies, and cookies!

Then next year when they are thinner they will be ostracized AGAIN for not eating the same crap everyone else is! It doesn't go away even with the weight loss. When I was fat, I had a few "helpful" family members make remarks implying that I needed to lose weight. So now when I turn down all that crap (50+ pounds later), I get more snide remarks because I "think I'm better than everyone else." BEFORE I lost the weight and told people I was trying to lose it, friends, family and coworkers made it a point to monitor everything that goes into my mouth. It's pretty sad when I have to keep my eating and exercise plan a secret from everyone.

I'm not even overweight anymore but it's left me with that permanent stigma. My weight was and still is open to everyone's interpretation. Sorry, this is a touchy subject with me, I should probably just go away now...

raw_sugar

I love this!!!! I think if people actually hear the words they will be less likely to engorge in front of the family during a big gathering which is also going to help with a less gain over the holiday weekend! I may just like this because I'm a weird person that just needs to be told hey your FAT or chubby, or requests my bf to tell me I need to do an extra 10 or 20 on the treadmill because I'm feeling a little fluffy in the mid section again! I think before this is yelled, there should obviously be some kind of relationship with the person, and discretion should be used while saying it, but if it needs to be said out loud than say it!!!!!!

Perfect! So that person can feel ostracized and munch on carrots sticks while everyone else gorges themselves on cakes, pies, and cookies!

Then next year when they are thinner they will be ostracized AGAIN for not eating the same crap everyone else is! It doesn't go away even with the weight loss. When I was fat, I had a few "helpful" family members make remarks implying that I needed to lose weight. So now when I turn down all that crap (50+ pounds later), I get more snide remarks because I "think I'm better than everyone else." BEFORE I lost the weight and told people I was trying to lose it, friends, family and coworkers made it a point to monitor everything that goes into my mouth. It's pretty sad when I have to keep my eating and exercise plan a secret from everyone.

I'm not even overweight anymore but it's left me with that permanent stigma. My weight was and still is open to everyone's interpretation. Sorry, this is a touchy subject with me, I should probably just go away now...

I thought you made an excellent point.

raw_sugar

When I have her for weekends in the summer, I try to take her bike riding with me. I know this is hard on people that aren't used to it. I stopped two years ago when she still couldn't ride a bike without training wheels, at 9! She has no interest in learning. She says that she can walk where she wants to go.

Just in regards to this, if she refuses to ride a bike because she can walk where she needs to go, maybe that's a time to say "Awesome, then. Let's go for a walk." If she's seriously overweight like you say, walking will be a good start to getting activity in, and can provide more bonding time than bike-riding because you can walk and talk at the same time.

galegetsthin

This is really a sore subject for me. I have a grandmother that absolutely cannot seem to have a conversation with me that does not include my weight. Every single time I have spoken to her since I was a child, she has told me that I am fat and that I should lose weight, and even that I would never find a good man looking like I do. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. I rarely even talk to her now for that very reason. I dont want to hear about it. And even when I tell her I have lost weight, her answer is always "well, you have a very long way to go. we will see if you can manage to keep losing weight" I hate it. It is the worst feeling. I told her one time that I do own a mirror and know that I need to lose weight, and dont need her to tell me every time we talk. I have a great job with the government and she suggested that I go an wait tables because the exercise would "do me good". Nevermind the fact that I am a single mother who makes a decent living now. She would rather me be in poverty than fat......

Katefab26

Seriously?? Fat people know they're fat. Just because they have extra around the middle doesn't mean that their brain stops functioning. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and lead by example. Telling someone they're overweight is just a great way to make them feel like crap about themselves.

I'm still working to reach my goals, but when I was in high school, I was told I was fat and no boys would ever like me, because "boys don't like fat girls". I still have major problems feeling like I'm remotely attractive because of that. I go on dates and guys tell me I'm gorgeous, beautiful, etc. and the relationship never works because I convince myself they're making fun of me. I'm working on it, but that s*** does damage to people...

tattooedtwiin

:grumble: Those of us that are overweight know it, I don't need anyone to tell me that. I don't have enough money this time of year to post bail.

castadiva

I love this!!!! I think if people actually hear the words they will be less likely to engorge in front of the family during a big gathering which is also going to help with a less gain over the holiday weekend!

Or maybe they will feel so judged that they start to eat in secret, or start eating for comfort after being shamed in front of their family, and then you have a real problem. This is the one time of the year when most people really like to let loose and relax - a little gorging this weekend is not the end of the world. More to the point, this is meant to be a happy, loving time of year. How happy would you be if someone called you out in front of everyone you cared about for soemthing that you're probably really self-conscious and ashamed about already. If you're really concerned, have a quiet, private chat early in the new year, or between Christmas and NY - public shaming is not a happy or helpful way to go.

MelanieAG05

My mother-in-law is the expert at commenting on people's weight! She is a nightmare. She is always asking - how is the diet/fitness regime? Have you lost any weight? She can talk lol! Myself and my husband know we are overweight - only me is doing something about it at the moment though!

raw_sugar

I have a great job with the government and she suggested that I go an wait tables because the exercise would "do me good". Nevermind the fact that I am a single mother who makes a decent living now. She would rather me be in poverty than fat......

That is so messed up. Gah. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

rml_16

When I have her for weekends in the summer, I try to take her bike riding with me. I know this is hard on people that aren't used to it. I stopped two years ago when she still couldn't ride a bike without training wheels, at 9! She has no interest in learning. She says that she can walk where she wants to go.

Just in regards to this, if she refuses to ride a bike because she can walk where she needs to go, maybe that's a time to say "Awesome, then. Let's go for a walk." If she's seriously overweight like you say, walking will be a good start to getting activity in, and can provide more bonding time than bike-riding because you can walk and talk at the same time.

I agree. Biking isn't the only exercise option. And long bike rides cause serious pain. Last time I was on a bike (first time in about 22 years), by bottom hurt for a week from the seat.

NicLiving

I'd do it any day EXCEPT Christmas! What a mean way to ruin someone's day. Wait til New Years when everyone is making resolutions and offer to help them achieve a weight loss goal.

0RESET0

When I have her for weekends in the summer, I try to take her bike riding with me. I know this is hard on people that aren't used to it. I stopped two years ago when she still couldn't ride a bike without training wheels, at 9! She has no interest in learning. She says that she can walk where she wants to go.

Just in regards to this, if she refuses to ride a bike because she can walk where she needs to go, maybe that's a time to say "Awesome, then. Let's go for a walk." If she's seriously overweight like you say, walking will be a good start to getting activity in, and can provide more bonding time than bike-riding because you can walk and talk at the same time.

Thank you for pointing this out. Sorry, I was kind of rambling there. We do other stuff now, I didn't just give up. A couple months ago we spent the whole day at the river collecting "prety rocks" I ran them thru my rock tumbler and will be giving them to her when I see her next week.

Just1forMe

I don't think telling people they are overweight is the best thing to do... ever.

You are better off setting an example for those around you, and hoping they decide for themselves to get on board.

EXACTLY!!!! Seriously, do they think overweight people don't KNOW they are overweight and unhealthy??? Until THEY are ready to do something about it, you will just make them feel worse about themselves which will cause many of them to overeat. Worst advice ever! And seriously....way to ruin the holidays!

dutchjacky

Totally agree with you orpheus, these kind of comments are what started my life long battle with food, I am now having to learn to eat more food after a year and a half of not being able to move and hardly eating at all but still gaining weight. This site has helped tremendously but i found it on my own and am doing it for myself.

Jacquibennett

Please don't single anyone out over this. If you are spending Christmas with a group of loved ones let them indulge as they will and enjoy themselves and perhaps when everyone is feeling bloated in front of the telly maybe say something like "Well I'm going to have to work this lot off in the new year, who's with me?" opens it up for them to join in or not, because ultimately the decision is theirs.

I don't think there is actually a nice way of telling someone they are over weight.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

0RESET0

First, your 11-year-old child for whom you are responsible is not the same as your adult child/sibling/aunt/uncle/whatever. Apples and oranges.

Second, with an 11-year-old girl, you seriously need to tread carefully to avoid turning a too-fat child into an either morbidly obese child (and yes, I HAVE seen this happen where bugging the kid makes it worse) or create bulimia or anorexia because even her own father doesn't love her because of her weight (I know that's not true, but it's how she'll take it if you approach it wrong).

Thanks. I am tiptoeing around this very carefully. I don't try to ruin every visit with her. I think I would make more progress if I didn't have here full time caregiver, my ex, reinforcing the bad habits and convincing her that I am just being mean.