Feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated...

veganbaum

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

When your partner consistently gets angry with you because you didn't wash their favorite shorts or aren't serving specifically what they want for dinner, that's abuse. If you are not participating in washing laundry or making dinner, you have no right to complain and you certainly have no right to get angry at the person who is doing it for you.

OP - everyone has said it all. I find it unfortunate you have a child with him, but it's very unlikely he is going to change and he is even less likely to want to help with children who are not his given his current behavior. Marrying him is only going to compound your problems. If you're still willing to try and work it out (though you said you have already tried numerous times) I hope that you postpone your marriage until you are certain you want to be legally tied to this person.

Cold_Steel

A little less projecting your complaints to the world wide web and a little bit more serious conversation with him might be in order.

Sorry, just find it amusing when people vent on the internet. I do not think people realize how impacting it can be to complain about a real life person on the internet.

KimmieBrie

For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.

Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.

The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.

1st would be to try to examine BOTH side's mistakes that got them into this. 2nd would be to see if they can come to some agreement to fix the problem. 3rd would be to see if it works out. 4th would be to consider other options if it doesn't. 5th would be to have a frank (aka realistic) discussion about how breaking up would work.

I see a lack of participation. I see laziness. Where is the battering / abusing coming from?

Both sides have been examined and we have both admitted problems. I've done alot to work on mine. He will start working on his then stop after 3. And we have had plenty of discussions numerous times. It always comes back to the same circle: we argue, we compromise, we come to a conclusion, it works for a week, then he goes back to the same ****. As for a "realistic" discussion on how breaking up would work, I've been there too. The way I see it, Ive been a single mom for the last 5 1/2 years with the two relationships I've been in and I can handle it if thats what it comes to.

I have been working my *kitten* off trying to make this relationship last because there is good in him, I've seen it. So Don't tell me there is a lack of participation or Im being lazy. Im not being lazy, Im losing my patience.

I'm sure you've talked and worked at it or this post wouldn't be here. People can improve themselves and make small permanent changes.... complete transformations rarely happen. What you have described - if this is a daily or even every other day occurrence it is a lifestyle and I'm afraid he won't change - you've tried, it hasn't stuck. People are all different. We can either accept those differences and love them anyway, or deem them unacceptable and move on. What is acceptable to one isn't to another. I find what you've described unacceptable but I am not in your shoes. Good luck to you. Whatever you decide I wish you love and happiness.

MelissaGraham7

You have to make the change. It comes from you - either in how you cope with things or what you are willing to cope with. You have to be the change. SO, do it.

KimmieBrie

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

Verbally bashing someone because they didn't wash your stupid shorts or make the right dinner and preventing them from sleeping on a regular basis for their own self satisfaction IS abuse.

Elizabeth_C34

I put up with an ex for years who did a lot of the same things to me because I "loved" him. I eventually left.

I'm now married to an amazing man who adores me, and I adore as well. It's not perfect, but our love is strong enough to help us work through whatever difficulties we have.

If he won't even consider changing, leave and find someone who will be a partner to you, a shoulder for you to lean on, and a true companion for your life.

Marriage is a partnership that requires incredible compromise and hard work but delivers incredible love and companionship.

Jeff92se

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

When your partner consistently gets angry with you because you didn't wash their favorite shorts or aren't serving specifically what they want for dinner, that's abuse. If you are not participating in washing laundry or making dinner, you have no right to complain and you certainly have no right to get angry at the person who is doing it for you.

OP - everyone has said it all. I find it unfortunate you have a child with him, but it's very unlikely he is going to change and he is even less likely to want to help with children who are not his given his current behavior. Marrying him is only going to compound your problems.

That's not abuse. That's complaining. I never said he didn't have a right to complain.

u2fergus

Is this really the message that you want your kids to learn? That it's ok for men to treat women like this? BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOUR KIDS ARE LEARNING. For your kids' sake and your own... you're better off alone than with somebody like that.

u2fergus

double post

veganbaum

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

When your partner consistently gets angry with you because you didn't wash their favorite shorts or aren't serving specifically what they want for dinner, that's abuse. If you are not participating in washing laundry or making dinner, you have no right to complain and you certainly have no right to get angry at the person who is doing it for you.

OP - everyone has said it all. I find it unfortunate you have a child with him, but it's very unlikely he is going to change and he is even less likely to want to help with children who are not his given his current behavior. Marrying him is only going to compound your problems.

That's not abuse. That's complaining. I never said he didn't have a right to complain.

There's complaining then there's abuse. If he "gives her hell" or whatever she said when she doesn't wash his favorite shorts and he says that she feeds him "the same damn thing all the time" - that's abuse if that's the kind of stuff that your partner says to you every day about small things like that, as is sleep deprivation as another poster mentioned.

Jeff92se

I never said the OP wasn't participating. Nor did I say the OP was lazy. I was referring to the guy. It was also a question to the "abuse" that someone tried to assume was happening

When your partner consistently gets angry with you because you didn't wash their favorite shorts or aren't serving specifically what they want for dinner, that's abuse. If you are not participating in washing laundry or making dinner, you have no right to complain and you certainly have no right to get angry at the person who is doing it for you.

OP - everyone has said it all. I find it unfortunate you have a child with him, but it's very unlikely he is going to change and he is even less likely to want to help with children who are not his given his current behavior. Marrying him is only going to compound your problems.

That's not abuse. That's complaining. I never said he didn't have a right to complain.

There's complaining then there's abuse. If he "gives her hell" or whatever she said when she doesn't wash his favorite shorts and he says that she feeds him "the same damn thing all the time" - that's abuse if that's the kind of stuff that your partner says to you every day about small things like that, as is sleep deprivation as another poster mentioned.

No. If he MAKES her do it after stating she will no longer do it, then it's abuse.

veganbaum

No. If he MAKES her do it after stating she will no longer do it, then it's abuse.

I guess you don't believe in mental or emotional abuse.

Jeff92se

No. If he MAKES her do it after stating she will no longer do it, then it's abuse.

I guess you don't believe in mental or emotional abuse.

i do belive in it. Just don't believe what you are describing is it.

veganbaum

No. If he MAKES her do it after stating she will no longer do it, then it's abuse.

I guess you don't believe in mental or emotional abuse.

i do belive in it. Just don't believe what you are describing is it.

You're the one who said it's only abuse if he makes her do it. Is it only mental/emotional abuse if he's cursing at her and calling her foul names? No. But as that wasn't the main point of her post, I don't want to continue to highjack her thread with it. Suffice it to say that his bashing her for not doing exactly what he wants her to do when he wants her to do it (sitting on the couch, laundry, dinner, giving him sex consistently whenever he wants it while sacrificing her sleep) is enough to warrant some drastic changes.

OP - you've already tried talking it out with him. He's displaying the typical pattern of many in these types of situations of saying he'll do something, doing it for a bit, then going back to the same behaviors. You are the only one who can make the decision to change your circumstances at this point, you just need to decide what steps you want to take - completely refusing to do some of these things anymore (and see how he reacts to that) or going so far as to leave.

Jeff92se

Did the OP specifically say he as cursing and using foul language? Is the OP NOT cursing and using foul language?

You're trying to assume your point here.

veganbaum

Did the OP specifically say he as cursing and using foul language? Is the OP NOT cursing and using foul language?

You're trying to assume your point here.

Oy, I did not say that's what she said AT ALL. I'm not assuming anything - I did NOT say that there has been foul language - I said it's not necessary for abuse (regardless of this specific situation). Let it go.

Jeff92se

Did the OP specifically say he as cursing and using foul language? Is the OP NOT cursing and using foul language?

You're trying to assume your point here.

Oy, I did not say that's what she said AT ALL. I'm not assuming anything - I did NOT say that there has been foul language - I said it's not necessary for abuse (regardless of this specific situation). Let it go.

I read the OP's first post again. I stand by the fact that's not abuse. I see her really trying to do everything and it's catching up to her.

brokenartist

My husband works a full time job and he still cooks, cleans, does the dishes, changes diapers, does laundry, folds laundry, vacuums, mops the floors. He doesn't do it all alone, all I have to do is ask for his help and he is there.

Sounds like an awesome dude....

And it seems people on here are all coming to the same conclusion...this "guy" is a douche...I am Starracer's husband and I know I do not initiate the cleaning as often as I should, I do tend to be a little lazy sometimes but at any point when she needs help or even if she just starts cleaning I feel like I need to also so I get up off my lazy *kitten* (reluctantly sometimes) and I do my share of being married and my part as a man.

...your dude needs to man up and be a father and partner.

cherigurl

For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.

Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.

The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.

1st would be to try to examine BOTH side's mistakes that got them into this. 2nd would be to see if they can come to some agreement to fix the problem. 3rd would be to see if it works out. 4th would be to consider other options if it doesn't. 5th would be to have a frank (aka realistic) discussion about how breaking up would work.

I see a lack of participation. I see laziness. Where is the battering / abusing coming from?

Both sides have been examined and we have both admitted problems. I've done alot to work on mine. He will start working on his then stop after 3. And we have had plenty of discussions numerous times. It always comes back to the same circle: we argue, we compromise, we come to a conclusion, it works for a week, then he goes back to the same ****. As for a "realistic" discussion on how breaking up would work, I've been there too. The way I see it, Ive been a single mom for the last 5 1/2 years with the two relationships I've been in and I can handle it if thats what it comes to.

I have been working my *kitten* off trying to make this relationship last because there is good in him, I've seen it. So Don't tell me there is a lack of participation or Im being lazy. Im not being lazy, Im losing my patience.

The only other thing I have to say and of course I am no body to you but someone who has been through a situation like your before, If you see or have seen good in him then why does his "goodness" only last for a short time? He either 1 does not respect you enough to change or 2 he veiws you as a "slave" in so many words. I was with a guy for 2 years , but he acted the same way I only had 2 girls at the time, but he would NEVER cook, clean do laundry or even bring the groceries up to our apratment. He always wanted me to spend tiem with him, so i would then the "home duties" would not get done, then he would complain that the house was a mess. If I did not make what he liked for dinner he would make me feel like i was doing something wrong and i would make him something different so a fight would not break out. It is you and you alone that can either make or break your situation, obviously you have tried but he does not want to. You can only be pushed so far as a PERSON, your kids and your relationship has nothing to do with how he makes you feel as a PERSON. All the best to you.

jenn_is_trouble

I undestand wanting a place to vent, but maybe topics like this are best saved for a blog/diary... just sayin'.