Why don't I get hit on?

some1toluv

do u wear makeup? do u wear stuff that is trendy? do u smile ?

AlSalzman

ETA - I was *not* fishing for compliments. I was simply curious. Also, I don't really want to be picked up, just noticed.

OK, that was my smart-*kitten* answer, now here's the real one... Bartender Al with ten years of observational psychology-type insight (worth what you pay for it):

A lot of my regular customers dramatically changed their appearance during my bartending career. They usually did so by changing a lot of their unhealthy mindsets/habits/environs... they threw the candy out of the pantry to lose weight, if you will. They had to remove the temptation until they had taught themselves to "think healthy first" when it came to dieting. And, it worked. These are challenging changes to make - not overwhelming, because they focus on a goal that is easy to quantify - number on a scale, size of a dress, time in a 5k, etc...

Many of them would come out in their new, toned body looking fantastic, with plenty of additional confidence due to their transformation and lots of energy from their new fitness... and just be completely crushed when they didn't land Mr. Handsome in, like, two weeks after getting their new self back into the singles scene. And they'd freak out and turn to me, their bartender, for support 'cuz they were really disappointed that they did all that work for nothing, and I'd swoop right in and nail'em while they were vulnerable. No, not really. Ok, maybe once or twice. But those chicks were really on the brink. They needed help.

Anyway, the point is - you don't shed 65lbs in two weeks (or even a year) - so why do you think you've suddenly mastered the complexities of being attractive in two weeks (or even a year)? It's more than having a fit body - that's a great start, but we all know less-than-fit ladies that attract a ton of attention. We know girls that can't dress but get phone numbers. I knew a girl with a lazy eye that... well, nevermind, she was a slut. Consider those finishing-school debutantes... they're being programmed with a set of behaviors for certain social situations. Same thing with lots of sorority girls... you get a big sis, she teaches you how to get into bars underage and get dolled up for the kegger. Programmed behavior. Attractiveness to strangers is a learned behavior. Remember I said changing negative eating habits was a challenging change, but made easier because you can benchmark progress? What a lot of my transformed regulars didn't realize was that they hadn't changed their other behaviors - shyness, awkwardness, self-loathings, etc... things that are the enemy of attractive... things that are much harder to benchmark the progress of than the numbers on the scale. You may need to un-program a few more negative behaviors and practice some new good ones.

So, evaluate yourself critically, just like you did before you started your weight loss path - do you have habits that make you less attractive to strangers? If they don't make you outright less attractive (say, flicking boogers), do they make you less approachable? Are you still not making eye contact? Still a wallflower? Does your laugh sound like the pigs in Angry Birds? Do you audibly pop gum when you chew it? Do you arm-wrestle dudes to settle disputes and completely wreck their ****? Not saying that you need to change - you be you, girrrlll - but you asked so I'm throwing some possibilities out there.

kapeluza

ETA - I was *not* fishing for compliments. I was simply curious. Also, I don't really want to be picked up, just noticed.

OK, that was my smart-*kitten* answer, now here's the real one... Bartender Al with ten years of observational psychology-type insight (worth what you pay for it):

A lot of my regular customers dramatically changed their appearance during my bartending career. They usually did so by changing a lot of their unhealthy mindsets/habits/environs... they threw the candy out of the pantry to lose weight, if you will. They had to remove the temptation until they had taught themselves to "think healthy first" when it came to dieting. And, it worked. These are challenging changes to make - not overwhelming, because they focus on a goal that is easy to quantify - number on a scale, size of a dress, time in a 5k, etc...

Many of them would come out in their new, toned body looking fantastic, with plenty of additional confidence due to their transformation and lots of energy from their new fitness... and just be completely crushed when they didn't land Mr. Handsome in, like, two weeks after getting their new self back into the singles scene. And they'd freak out and turn to me, their bartender, for support 'cuz they were really disappointed that they did all that work for nothing, and I'd swoop right in and nail'em while they were vulnerable. No, not really. Ok, maybe once or twice. But those chicks were really on the brink. They needed help.

Anyway, the point is - you don't shed 65lbs in two weeks (or even a year) - so why do you think you've suddenly mastered the complexities of being attractive in two weeks (or even a year)? It's more than having a fit body - that's a great start, but we all know less-than-fit ladies that attract a ton of attention. We know girls that can't dress but get phone numbers. I knew a girl with a lazy eye that... well, nevermind, she was a slut. Consider those finishing-school debutantes... they're being programmed with a set of behaviors for certain social situations. Same thing with lots of sorority girls... you get a big sis, she teaches you how to get into bars underage and get dolled up for the kegger. Programmed behavior. Attractiveness to strangers is a learned behavior. Remember I said changing negative eating habits was a challenging change, but made easier because you can benchmark progress? What a lot of my transformed regulars didn't realize was that they hadn't changed their other behaviors - shyness, awkwardness, self-loathings, etc... things that are the enemy of attractive... things that are much harder to benchmark the progress of than the numbers on the scale. You may need to un-program a few more negative behaviors and practice some new good ones.

So, evaluate yourself critically, just like you did before you started your weight loss path - do you have habits that make you less attractive to strangers? If they don't make you outright less attractive (say, flicking boogers), do they make you less approachable? Are you still not making eye contact? Still a wallflower? Does your laugh sound like the pigs in Angry Birds? Do you audibly pop gum when you chew it? Do you arm-wrestle dudes to settle disputes and completely wreck their ****? Not saying that you need to change - you be you, girrrlll - but you asked so I'm throwing some possibilities out there.

This,

Also, MFP is just that, MFP. Everyone throws out false compliments on this website, just take a look at the "compliment thread". It's easy to hit on people behind a screen.

woou

@AlS, nice post.

Elzecat

This is a semi-joke and semi-serious.

I'm working on my self-esteem, which has always been crappy but is improving.

The thing is, here on MFP I am quite fortunate that I have lots and lots of very supportive friends who give fabulous compliments.

They say that I am attractive, but in real life...

no one looks my way.

...snip...

Supportive friends? Uh, no... I have supportive friends... they post things like "good burn" and "hooray 155 days logged in!"

You? You've got a bus full of female admirers panting and drooling in every thread you post in. You ARE getting hit on, every day, constantly.. it's just not by dudes. You don't notice it because you're not looking for it or you've ruled it out as a possibility. And that's fine, to each their own. I'm just saying... you've got a free pass on the L-train pretty much anytime you want it from a good chunk of this board's population, so don't gimme that "I'm not getting hit on" stuff.

Hm...I'm hetero, so getting "hit on" by my female friends is not my thing. That would just make me feel awkward lol.

Musikelektronik

Hm...I'm hetero, so getting "hit on" by my female friends is not my thing. That would just make me feel awkward lol.

But aren't women receptive to that on some level? I mean, don't you guys get an ego boost when a woman tells you how pretty you look, and stuff like that? For guys, that's hugely taboo. But for women...somehow it seems different. Maybe I'm wrong.